Drugs, Jesus, and Chickenhead. What have I gotten myself into?
By Video_Game_King 14 Comments
Bullet Candy 3D or Bullet Candy Perfect or whatever the hell they're calling it now.
( You know, if this game was actually called "Bullet Candy 3D or Bullet Candy Perfect or whatever the hell they're calling it now", I'd totally believe it.) There are about three or four versions of this game floating around the Internet aether, but after playing this game, I don't see a lot of reason for this. Are four versions really necessary for people to get this game? Apparently, yes, they are. I can't find any sales numbers, so I'm going to assume that I'm the only person who has played this game. Combine this with the fact that I got it in a free giveaway a while back, and that means this game made no money. Shame on you, gaming community. This game is awesome. 
So why do I love this game? Just look at it. No, look at it. Look at all those colors! I'm pretty sure that it covers parts of the visible spectrum of light that science hasn't discovered yet. It's like my eyes are getting gangbanged by every known color...in a good way, mind you. Did you get all that? Now put it all in motion. I'm not sure human eyes could handle such greatness, which probably explains the sales numbers, maybe. That said, here's a video that will (hopefully) blind you. However, there is one thing that the video will not show you, at least in detail: the explosions. At the end of each wave, every shot explodes into purple goodness. I know it sounds like a minor point to bring up, but it's so awesome seeing the screen fill up with so many explosions. Now you see why there are so many bullets on screen at once: to populate the screen with even more explosions. It's a shame that it doesn't offer any type of score bonus. Then again, there are already waves dedicated to collecting a bunch of points, so I guess that makes up for it. In fact, go out and get this game now. Right now. Finish reading this, read the thing on JESUS or whatever, comment, then go back in time and get this game for free. Not sure why you're so hypocritically cheap, but whatever's necessary to get this game, I suppose.
Review Synopsis
- Simple shouldn't mean easy, but somehow, it still does. Simple still triumphs, but still...
- It's like LSD for your eyes (not the oddly tame LSD; the actual LSD).
- Wait, am I oscillating between long blogs and short ones? How?
U...uh......o.......w...w......WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS!? WHAT IS THIS HORRIFYING MONSTROSITY!? MY EYES WILL NEVER BE CLEAN AGAIN!!!
JESUS: Kyoufu no Bio-Monster
( I don't think any of us will be the same after witnessing the horror.) Am I referring to Chickenhead's head? Somewhat. But that doesn't change the fact that we need to do something about...that. Hey, I know: religion! Maybe the proud traditions of peer pressure and insanity will help us forget terrifying furry robo-pedophilia. Actually, I've already played this game (that much should be obvious, given that I've already written this entire blog), and it won't help me forget the terrible things we've witnessed. There's barely any Jesus in it at all, so how will it help me forget demon chicken sex? 
Wait, what type of game is this, again? I forgot in the middle of all that bitching about how the cast is only large because they need that many characters to kill. Oh, now I remember: it's an adventure game. For those of you thinking of Snatcher or Policenauts or Famicom Tantei Club: Part II (not sure why), cast those thoughts aside, because Jesus isn't nearly as good as any of those. Remember how the puzzles in those games were actually pretty decent and solvable? (I know you don't, but can't you pretend for once?) Not so with Jesus; instead, prepare to wander around a lot, clicking every single option you have in the vain hope that you'll progress through the game. In fact, a few of the puzzles actually require that you bullshit around, probably because Enix needed to pad out the only three areas in the game. Not sure why, though. After all, the game's already long enough with the utter lack of direction. What, you solved a puzzle? That doesn't mean you'll get any hints as to where to go next. Again, just bullshit around and hope that it helps. I imagine part of the problem is that all of your options aren't immediately clear, mostly because the game hides irrelevant options in what I imagine is streamlining gone ironically wrong. Perfect example: the first puzzle of the game is to give everybody their ID cards before you can board one of the ships. You don't know how many characters there are, or the number of cards you have, so your only hope is bullshit. In fact, you only unlock one of the rooms necessary to complete the puzzle after you've spoken with the doctor twice, because she knows where they are, despite not giving any hints that she would know where they are. Did I mention that this is the first puzzle in the game? Or that the one-speed text moves so slow that I just hit the fast forward button on my emulator like crazy so I wouldn't have to put up with the mediocre translation for as long as I would have otherwise? Fuck this game.
Review Synopsis
- I think Jesus saw that this was a sub-par rip-off of Alien and decided that he wanted none of that.
- Your main weapon against the beast is "wandering around until plot happens."
- If you haven't caught on, yet, this game sucks.