By Video_Game_King 22 Comments
Dudes with Attitude( Here's some advice: don't play this game.) I'm aware that I should've begun this blog with something like, "Hey, I found a bunch of games with "dude" in the title", but this game fucked up that introduction. I guess I should thank it, given that it would've been a pretty poor way to start a blog, but I don't plan on doing this game any favors. It certainly hasn't done me any favors. In fact, what's the opposite of a favor? Thwart? Fuck you, thesaurus.com. And fuck you, any dudes reading this who may have something resembling attitude.
Hell, it decides to get some attitude as soon as the game begins by not giving me any type of story. None. There's a couple of island, some dudes, and that's about it. Somehow, this raises a lot of questions the game doesn't directly answer. Why are the graphics so washed out? Why is there no music? And why do some levels have fake credits? Actually, that one has an answer: this game is so bad that nobody wants their name attached to this piece of shit. Instead, they used pseudonyms like Black Widow, Weird Al, and Slimer. I'd punch Weird Al in the face, but....no, I'll still do it, even though he had nothing to do with the game. Somebody must be punished. Why? Listen to this idea: you must collect a certain number of jewels in each level. However, you must match the color of the jewel in order to collect it. You do this by passing through corresponding barrels and then bashing the jewels a couple of times. When you've collected them all, you pass through a door. Sounds fun? Of course it doesn't! That would be a very boring fucking game! It's like somebody played Clu Clu Land and thought they enjoyed it too much.
And then they proceeded to fuck up the game even more, if that's even possible. First, you can't move as much as you want; you're constantly moving in one direction, and you can only adjust the other direction or speed the fuck up. Because of this, you tend to move only in rigid, diagonal lines, something you'd hate if you were a dude. With attitude. A lot of the levels require pretty precise movement that either you can't make or the game will think you can't make, meaning you're gonna die a lot. Granted, you have a lot of lives (infinity is a lot, right?), but it doesn't make it any less frustrating. It's like they designed the game to be this bad, and at times, it confuses me. Some levels have invisible walls for no reason, others require reflexes within half a frame of animation, and wait for it.....this game has a password system! You know, in case you ever want to play this game again. No, game; nobody wants to play you again. You're fucking awful. You're not even the type of bad game that's fun to blog about, like Captain Novolin or Persona 1; you just suck. Bad. Hell, I can't even beat you alone; there are only three circumstances under which I can beat this game: with two people, schizophrenia, or (like me) some other type of crazy. Guess which one I chose? I can't even remember. I rigged some weird control scheme and hoped for the best. Futile, I know, but at least I got an ending. In lieu of any type of award (it doesn't deserve one), I'll just try to explain why the ending is what it is. Through dialogue!
Boilà! In biew, a humble baudebillian beteran cast bicariously as both bictim and billain by the bicissitudes of Fate. This bisage, no mere beneer of banity, is a bestige of the box populi, now bacant, banished. Howeber, this balorous bisitation of a bygone bexation stands bibified and has bowed to banquish these benal and birulent bermin banguarding bice and bouchsafing the biolently bicious and boracious biolation of bolition! The only berdict is bengeance; a bendetta held as a botibe, not in bain, for the balue and beracity of such shall one day bindicate the bigilant and the birtuous. Berily, this bichyssoise of berbiage beers most berbose, so let me simply add that it's my bery good honour to meet you and you may call me "B."
It's the holidays, and while we're talking about things that cause people immeasurable pain, here's the Nostalgia Chick. I only post this because like the Nostalgia Critic thing I posted way back, I've actually seen this movie. This is gonna be a painful blog.
Bad Dudes( Wait, why is this game called Bad Dudes?) I know that it's describing the dudes in the game, not the game itself, but they're both actually kinda decent. If anything, this should be called Dudes with Attitude and the other game should be called Shit. In fact, I believe I did call it shit. But let us not dwell on the past, no matter how much it sucks; we must focus on the future, or the present, or whenever the hell this g-AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Did you hear that? Or was it a demon only I can see? I heard this garbled words from a realm that no longer is. Although they were spoken in a tongue not meant for mortal ears, I could make out the phrase, "I'm bad." It's as loud as a jumbo jet taking off in whatever the opposite of space is; it's so loud that it makes you forget what the story is. Something about ninjas capturing the president, as told by a very horny Gabbo. Wait, I forgot that? That's an awesome story! Granted, the president is Reagan, or Bush, but he's (?) the president, damn it! And if that's not enough, fuck you. Reagan, or Bush, will laugh in your face, you fucking terrorist. No burgers for you. Only ninjas. Holy hell, will there be a bunch of ninjas. Midget ninjas, flaming ninjas, Zelda-II-hop-on-your-head-with-a-sword ninjas, and many other breeds of ninja will try to kick your ass. It's easy to see why the president was kidnapped by ninjas; when the Secret Service saw flaming midget ninjas, they killed themselves, knowing that they could never be that awesome.
But you can be that awesome. In fact, you are that awesome. And by you, I mean me. Anyway, much of the game is made up of walking right and punching dudes. Sure, you'll get some weapons along the way, but you know what you're gonna do with those? Fucking punch your foes! You don't care if you have a knife in your hand; you'll just knife punch your enemies to death. You don't give a shit. I give a shit, however. (I realize how confusing this is; shut up.) If you make your weapons behave exactly like your regular attack, things are gonna get repetitive, especially when your regular attack is just "hammer the A button until all ninjas are dead." Oh, and don't think the bosses are any better; if anything, they reverse the entire logic of boss battles, but still obey it. You know how I mentioned the large number of ninjas you face at one time? Except for one boss, all you face is one boss at a time, usually with some extremely predictable pattern. Easily predictable, if you're unlucky. But most of them fall into the extreme category, spending most of their time jumping over you and into your fists. Fast forward a minute, and you've won.
Then you find out that the levels are just as repetitive. Kind of an odd order, since you had to play at least two levels to get to the previous thing, but whatever; we'll ignore that glaring flaw for now. Or ever. Anyway, almost all levels consist of two levels: an upper level, and a lower level. You can jump between these levels at will, but since ninjas can jump at will, too, you will never need to jump between these levels. All you need to do is walk right. Sure, some levels require you to jump a couple of times, some require you to stand in a very specific spot to advance, for no good reason, but let's face it: you're just gonna walk right until the president refers to you as dude, because he's apparently a frat boy. Then the game ends. I'd mention some other things, like the Coke or the music, but I can sum up all my other points with two simple words: repetitiously repetitive. Don't get me wrong, it's competent, and it can be an interesting game if you just run with the weird concept, but the first level contains everything you need. Except presidential burgers. That would actually be a cool name for a band. So would Bad Dudes. Therefore, I give the game the Shadaloo Award for Cool Band Names.
- All these weird ninjas have captured the president! Rescue his ass, like, now!
- To do so, you'll need to hold the turbo A button until he's (?) rescued.
- It's not like the game tries not to be repetitive, either; it knows how many notes it has: one.