By Video_Game_King 9 Comments
Nintendo Repair Services( Well, I'm going to answer that in this blog, quite obviously.) After all, I feel as though I've been bitching about it for the past few weeks, so it would only be fair that I wrap things up in a creative way. Besides, while I do have games for another blog currently in my line up *cough* DarkStalkers *cough, hack*, I just want to spend some more time with Final Fantasy Tactics. Trust me, sending a team of mediators to talk goblins to death is fun enough to delay a vampire fighter.
For those of you who don't know, the Wii is Nintendo's latest home console, r....I guess my regular reviewing tactics aren't applicable here, are they? But I have to give you guys some sort of back story! All right, here's what happened: I got my Wii at launch, and didn't encounter a problem with it until a few months ago. I stuck Super Mario Sunshine in, but it wouldn't play. I found it weird, especially since the GameCube I locked in my attic without food or love played it with great enthusiasm, but whatever, I was playing a game where you could command dinosaur-esque creatures to vomit on nearby foes. Besides, it was a used copy and Okami worked just fine (aside from the occasional graphical overload), so I didn't think much of it.
Fast forward to September: I have just finished Assault on Butcher Bay, and, wanting to make my own ass as superb as Vin Diesel's, I pop in some Wii Sports Resort after about 20 minutes of struggling to put my Wii-mote into the Nintendo Wii-Mote Condom. But something was wrong: clicking noises and disc read errors. To make sure it was the Wii, I tried some Fire Emblem, and sure enough, it was the Wii. I tried everything to get my games to work, from stabbing it into a strip tease and sacrificing virgin BIC pens to the gaming gods, to covering a blank DVD in rabbit pubes and shoving a Q-tip in there because fuck it, somebody said dust was the problem. Obviously, none of these worked, so I had to place my Wii in a cardboard coffin and send it to Nintendo, which appropriately translates to " Leave Luck to Heaven."
Unfortunately, if I were to judge by the early stages of repair, that probably would have been a very bad idea, as getting repairs set up isn't exactly an easy process. I tried calling them to see if somebody would direct me through it (you know, like Microsoft does *HINT HINT*), but it seems their customer service line is dedicated mainly to online problems; after all, if you have a working connection, why the hell would you call their line? Wait, that didn't come out nearly as bad as I thought it would. Anyway, after about 20 online forms, I was finally given all that I needed to deliver my Wii: where to ship it, where to ship it from, and a price of $85. Holy shit! I know I wasn't within the warranty, but that's quite a lot to charge for what I suspect is dusting my Wii's innards.
But whatever, the money was already paid. Next came the shipping, which turned out surprisingly well, with emphasis on "surprising." I shipped it on Saturday, and according to their updates, they got it Wednesday. You're probably thinking, "Why didn't you renounce your faith in Wiisus after such a horrible sin?" While it's true that I could have driven my Wii to their offices faster, you guys are forgetting business day bullshit. Here's the thing: FedEx shipped it on Monday, meaning it got to Nintendo in 2 days. That's actually good time, and the only thing I can complain about there is the aforementioned bullshit of business days. If FedEx won't ship on the weekends, why the hell are they open on those days? That's misleading, isn't it? Again, whatever, at least my Wii was repaired. And in two days, as the following picture shows:
However, all of this is for naught if they send my a plastic white brick, right? Well, that's the finale of this blog, but with a twist: I shall do it all live. Or as live as text can be; I'll just write about the Wii as it happens, with music to punctuate any emotions (like I did before). OK, are we clear? We are? Then let's get it on: I just noticed something: isn't it weird that I had to pay $10 for FedEx, yet Nintendo just dumped my Wii into UPS and expected it to be delivered whenever? Hypocritical, no?...The time is 6:27 PM EST. I have received the package. Let us hope they didn't accidentally ship me a four-pound block of coke.
What the hell? I got an invoice telling me what they did, that's normal, but I also got some safety/maintenance tips. Thanks for treating me like an idiot, Nintendo. I thought my not sending you the controller told you that I didn't punt it into the TV during a session of Madden. The lack of a Madden save should have told you that, as well...The box is a lot harder to open than I thought...6:34 PM: I find out that UPS has a severe hatred for their customers and will make their packaging as unintuitive as possible....Oddly enough, the date and time are still intact, despite stories against this. Weird.... Two seconds within Wii Shop, and already I'm prompted to update it. Faster connection than before, though, if that counts for anything...Scratch that, it's still slower than a group of retarded snails...Update's up, back to Wii Shop!...Wow, Final Fantasy is up on Wii Shop? You know what that means!...Yay, all my Wii points are still there!
Now then, the moment of truth! I open up Radiant Dawn, let the Wii gobble it up... IT WORKS!!! Oh, glorious day! I'm feeling...a bit disappointed, actually. I had so much material for if Nintendo fucked it all up, and now that they've proven themselves competent, it all goes to waste. Whatever, at least I get my Fire Emblem. Huzzah! Overall, I give the entire process an 8.0/10, along with the Hank Hill Award for All of that Crap I've Been Spewing Before.....*sigh*......I Tell You What.
- Microsoft clearly has the upper hand in customer service.
- However, Nintendo seems to handle their affairs in a timely fashion. Points for that.
- My Wii works. That's all that matters in the end.
But wait, I'm not done, oh not yet! Because I haven't beaten any of the three games I've had for my Wii for a month, I have this odd desire to review them. So another little experiment:
Phantom Brave: We Meet Again( But with a twist!) Keep in mind that I haven't actually played the game in any form whatsoever. "So then what shall you review", you ask in an angry, confused manner. Ever hear the phrase "don't judge a book by its cover"? Yea, I'm gonna do just that. This is...
For those who would like a reference, go do a Google search or something. I'm not your f'ing nanny. For those who actually have an imagination, read on. Because I have a collector's edition or whatever, my copy of Phantom Brave came in one of those crappy sleeve things. However, unlike just about every other game I've seen doing this, the sleeve's art is completely different from the actual box for absolutely no reason whatsoever. The sleeve thing depicts a calm ocean background featuring a modest hero, his two girlfriends (I think; I haven't played the game, REMEMBER!?), and a large, square-ish dragon behind it all; open it up and HOLY CRAP, WHAT HAPPENED!? Everything is so cluttered, it looks like what happened after anime was gangbanged by a bunch of pastels! The worst part is that this is the same art used on the instruction manual, meaning Nippon-Ichi probably thought it was good enough to be official!
Which is really weird, because the actual game disc is far more similar to the cardboard sleeve than the clusterfuck of colors I mentioned earlier. Oddly conflicting images, hmm.....Anyway, let's move to the back. Well, what a refreshing change: rather than the stark contrast of before, the back of the box is mostly the same between the two; in fact, the only difference I could find was this stamp that says "Includes digital art disc." It may not seem like much, and while it isn't much, it does cut off the protagonist's figure, which I-wait, what have we here? There's French on the back of the box? A touch of multiculturalism, made moot by the lack of people around here who speak French and a translation above it that takes the fun out of doing th-hold on, what have we here? Look at the menus I have found. Notice any similarities? Yep, Final Fantasy Tactics. I think I'm going to love this game, which is why I give the box art....hold on...*changes to Calculator class, dicks around with numbers*....a 7.3/10. And the Clusterfuck of Colors Award.
- A Jekyll/Hyde relationship between the two box arts.
- Je ne sais pas porquoi les mots sont en français.
- It is related to Final Fantasy Tactics; that makes it awesome.