I Play Story Games for the Porn // 03.10.2011


Fable III

( Right now, there is somebody on Earth who is fucking pissed at me for titling blog such as this.) Hopefully, there are even more than that, if I did my job correctly. But I had to make that title! Why? Well, partially because I wanted to fuck with Psycosis, but also because that's really one of the main reasons why I played Fable III. The fact that it's a cool game was merely an a-wait, I've already used that joke. It's good. (The game, not necessarily the joke. But the joke is s-LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THE DAMN BLOG ALREADY!)
 
So, back to what I was talking about before I distracted myself (fuck me): Fable III. Turns out there's another reason I had to play this: I can teach you how to King properly. It all began with Fable II, a game I didn't like. Then things happened, and then Fable III began. Those things included "forgetting about Fable II, except for a few instances" and "the Industrial Revolution." Also, chickens. TONS OF FUCKING CHICKENS. (Take note of how this game forces you to become Chickenhead. Peter Molyneux is a man to be feared, only barely because he's a dogman with magical testicles.) But that's not what the game's about; it's actually about building support (and ripping off the Thundercats anime a couple of times, all the while hoping that the NPCs just fucking shut up) to rebel against your asshole brother for being a shit King. Oh, and those are the only character traits he gets: asshole and shit King. Also, sexist, given that one of his first acts is to say that "the war room is no place for a 'gina". (That's an actual quote.) Granted, he tries to have some amount of humanity near the end, but (for reasons you'll see later on) there's no way it could ever work. But you know what could work? The "support" thing from earlier. Turns out that one thing that Fable III's really good at is making you feel like you're gaining the support of the people. I'd say that it's limited to seeing a bunch of ghosts in the Road to Rule (imagine The Spirit's boss fight, only without the terrifying connotations), but it isn't. (So why would I say it?) Just walk around any town, and you'll see how much your people love you...or how much they'd like to see your guts hanging from the rooftops. Depends on how much of an asshole you are. 
 
 This is about as dirty as things get.
Speaking of which, there's a lot of ways to fuck around with the people of Albion. Unfortunately, you have to unlock a lot of them (I guess you have to be trained in the secret art of belching loudly), but once you do, the options are endless. Of course, you'll probably only choose one: the fucking. It won't be easy, though. You'll actually have to build up a relation with somebody before they're willing to fuck you. Somehow, this involves questing and holding hands for a few seconds.(While I'm on hand-holding, I might as well mention that it's not too refined. Somehow, I've been able to drag people without touching them. I must be a Jedi.) But is it all worth it? No, not at all. This is it. Enjoy. That's all the reward you'll get for turning the local tailor into your on-demand sex slave. (This was a thing that I did. It is not a joke.) Actually, there's more to relationships than that. You can have houses and children and all that other stuff. I'm sure that it's pretty cool, but it's not sex, so it doesn't make for an interesting blog, does it? And now that I think about it, you don't play this game for the porn.
 
So what do you play it for? Exploration? I hope you mean "quests", because if you meant "exploration", you're clearly not ashamed of being really, really stupid. To be fair, Fable III is pretty conducive to exploration. The environments seem to be large and open, and there's a lot of stuff hidden away in the dungeons and towns and whatevers. Combine that with the fact that there are a lot of such whatevers, a...w....what's that? Is that the dog? Oh hell. This little nutsucker destroys any hope of exploration. If there's a secret within 200 yards of your character, the dog's gonna find that and force you to spawn a shovel from the nether-realm (I was playing as a female character wearing goddamn nothing, so don't think about it too much). Just let me find things on my own, dog. I don't want you pointing me toward every secret there is. (I'd have similar complaints against the glowing trail, but since it sucks, it doesn't do as much damage as the dog.) I don't even want you. You have absolutely no use outside pointing me to things I should have found on my own (or did, in some cases). What's that? Combat? When? When does the dog serve any combat purposes? I don't remember his growls ever doing anything for the combat. Let's see, what other uses could he have?.....Socialization? I can't fuck the dog, so it's a useless endeavor. Speaking of fucking, FUCK YOU, MOLYNEUX! FUCK YOU AND YOUR MAGICAL DOG PRANKS!
 
 Is Fable a British term meaning "Gears of War"?
Wait, didn't I say that the quests were pretty cool? Yes, me, they are pretty cool. They do a decent job of making you familiar with all the gameplay concepts that I spent a billion words explaining, just like Portal. And there are some pretty funny moments (Donkey Kong 64: The RPG? And it's a hot cliché!?), just like Portal. And the achievement descriptions are far better than the actual achievements, just l....wait, that was El Shaddai. That doesn't change the fact that I'm a fan of the quests in this game. I'd say why I like them, but I just did. Pay attention, good sir. The only major problem I have is getting to the quests. I might as well tell you here because it's not well explained in-game. First, you go to the pause screen stolen right from Terranigma. Then, you have to look at your map, press Y, and then choose which quest you want to do. Not sure why I couldn't just hit a button to bring up my quests (especially since it can get kinda load-screeny this way), but whatever. At least I'm still questing and stuff.
 
I wish I could say the same about the battle system. I also wish I could say that I hate it, since that would make for a better blog. But alas, I am doomed to kinda sorta like it, somewhat. So, the battle system: you get your choice of magic, melee, or guns. Each one feels a bit button-mashy, but two things about that: first, it's like Kingdom Hearts, so I can't really complain. Second, you can choose not to mash a single button repeatedly like a terrible Smashing Pumpkins song. There's some actual strategy to be had in blocking attacks or manually aiming or charging your lightning for twelve minutes. Of course, it's also very easy to stick to one weapon or spell the entire game, but the point I'm failing to make is that the option's there. Speaking of options, though, the weapon customization kinda sucks. Remember way back in....i can't even remember the year, but remember how in Fable II, weapons and spells upgraded based on how often you used them? Somehow, that was the one thing that Molyneux removed from the game. Not the dog (egotist prick), but the cool weapon system. And what do you get in return? Opening chests to upgrade your weapons. I know that part of the idea behind sequels is to introduce creative new ideas, but it's usually understood that those ideas have to be good ideas.
 
In some alternate universe, there exists Lady Sexyface.
Hell, just look at the customization system. That managed to be creative, but without the caveat of being worse than before. If anything, it's the best character customization I've seen in a game yet. Why? Well, again, remember Fable II and how each piece of clothing/hair/whatever came with some stupid moral dimension attached? Guess what they got rid of? It's just as awesome as it sounds. No longer am I limited by Peter Molyneux's troubling sense of morality! I am now free to let my imagination roam as I wish...which obviously meant that I immediately made a Lady Sexyface with lobster claws. Yes, the game allows you to go that far, but it goes even farther than that. How, you ask? Changing your appearance based on your actions. I know, but it's not like that shit Fable II system; this time, it actually makes sense. For example, if you die a lot (not that you will, given that this is an easy game, partly due to death not doing jack shit to you), your character begins adopting an odd skeletal look. I think. I don't remember it building up, but that's what it has to be, right? A less scary option, however, is seeing battle wounds on your character. It's like the developers finally managed to create the persistent world (minus trees growing in real time...maybe) they've been promising since....2004? It's been that long? Fuck! Oh, and it doesn't hurt that this is a good looking game (if a bit...off), either.  

Hold on, I forgot to mention the one reason this blog is going to be awesome: the Kinging feature. Remember that part about you overthrowing your asshole brother? You know, from twenty chapters ago? Guess what? The game doesn't end there. Now you have to rule the Kingdom in his place. Don't expect anything too complex, though; it's mostly just a few decisions you can take at your leisure. But that's OK, and you know why? You still get the feeling that it's not so easy to rule a Kingdom and be beloved by your citizens. And I do mean you. I, on the other hand, found it to be really fucking easy. (Like the rest of the game, but that's not important right now.) It's just about managing numbers while not giving in to local asshole (that's pretty much his only job; the game even says so when he enters your court) Reaver. But fret not, dear peasants! I will not keep my amazing Kinging secrets...well, secret. I'm going to share with you the best way to rule a Kingdom.
 
  1. Abandon your dignity and become a dirty hippy. Sorry, but you gotta start somewhere, and why not make pies for homeless children and play your dirty hippy guitar? These are all great ways to make money (although I'm confused as to why homeless children are spending their money on pies instead of homes), which leads right into step two:
  2. Buy every business and house in Albion. This step was specifically designed to piss off both hippies and Republicans. OK, in actuality, that's just a great side-effect of this step. It was really there to allow me to...
  3. Jack up the prices like crazy. What are they gonna do? Buy from some other business? Live in the streets? I OWN ALL OF ALBION, FOOLS! That's the key to being a good ruler: make the people think that they want what I'm forcing them into. That way, they'll hand over all t-oops, that's the fourth step.
  4. Let the money flow forth. No, seriously, just let it flow forth. You'll be raking in enough money to recreate the intro to DuckTales, if you put on your chicken suit. (Or perhaps your very being will be consumed by Chickenhead, leading to the end of Albion. Only one way to find out). Of course, there's no way you're going to do something so brazen and irresponsible; instead, you go through with step five:
  5. Dump it all into the treasury. That way, you can tell Reaver to go eat a dick without bankrupting your entire Kingdom. That's the part mots people seem to forget.
Just remember this: you can question my methods (and possibly even Lady Sexyface's puffed up face at the end), but not my results. So don't question my methods.
 

Review Synopsis

  • I don't have much to say about the story, but A LOT to say about how it's presented, at least in theory.
  • There are just so many cool ways to interact with the world of Albion.
  • I would put Molyneux on a leash and harness his power for myself, but he has the power to turn himself into exactly twenty-seven snakes whenever he wants. I'm not touching that.
 
 
 
 
This is why you don't let the Cookie Monster write your episodes of Sesame Street:
  
  

Super Valis IV

( Wait, didn't I JUST do a Valis game?) Actually, yes, I did. In fact, it was of so much justness that I'm not going to bother linking you to the blog in question. So why am I tackling Valis again? Well, it's all about the title. Unfortunately, I still have dignity, so I couldn't cover those hentai games. So here's the next best thing: Super Valis IV. And I really do mean t...no, I don't. I don't mean that this is the next step up from those games. That would be Syd of Valis, the pathetically easy, chibified Valis II. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right: Valis III is still the best Valis game ever.
 
However, there is one thing it beats the other Valis games in: less Yuko. You know, the girl who was confused by rain (probably because she's several species of alien)? Turns out that she's a god now or something. How's that working out? Not too well, apparently. Apparently, some dickhead named Gallagher (man, the creativity of the villain names has been dropping quite a bit over these games, hasn't it?) has decided to be evil and stuff. While that's a strong enough motivation for a game, it isn't for Yuko, so she's sitting this one out. Who steps up in her place? Lena/Rena/ Starfire. She's some random girl. That's all the characterization you're getting, and that's pretty much all the story you're getting. Kind of disappointing for a Valis game, especially one that seems to be accepting that it's an anime. But all you get are a couple of anime stills with sloppily translated text (I guess the more Japanese the name of the console, the more willing people are to confirm stereotypes of them) every now and then. The worst part, though, is that this game could really use the story. I need only point to one level to illustrate my point: Valhalla. Yes, somehow, the Norse afterlife makes its way into Dreamland. But it's not Valhalla; it's Oz. Only instead of falling asleep among the flowers, you go to church. Why? How should I know? I'm still trying to figure out how a Valis game became Teen Titans eleven years before the cartoon became big.
 
 OK, how the hell did French Engrish get in here?
OK, so the story isn't that good, probably because Nintendo thought Philips was a better investment than Sony. But what about the gameplay? Is that any good? Not particularly. It's a platformer. You jump....sometimes. The levels can be a bit flat and dull, at times, like some sexist joke or something. In fact, they're so flat and dull that I mistook them for Yuko. Wait, I meant to say "I don't have much else to say about them." So what am I going to talk about for two more paragraphs? Well, the combat's pretty cool. For example, remember how in just my last blog, I didn't like how Cham was the only one who didn't have to charge her attacks? Good news: that shit's gone. Now you can just press Y and expect things to drop dead the first time. The only problem is that sometimes, the screen will pause to let you know how awesome that kill was. In fact, it seems to do it with regularity. It seems to be an experience system of some type. Don't get excited, though, and for two reasons. First, Syd of Valis had a "leveling system", and look at how well that turned out. Then again, that improved attacks, which brings me to my second point: this one doesn't do a whole lot. Your life improves, and that's about it. No new attacks or anything. Oh, but speaking about attacks, there are decent special weapons, I guess. Like dragon heads and armor with the magical power of being armor. Again, story would have helped immensely.
 
So is there anything that I genuinely and unapathetically like about this game? Not really, although boss fights take a unique twist. Super Valis IV is not a game that is willing to put up with your bullshit. Grind around too much, and bad things start to happen. Bad things like the boss gaining power. Better haul ass through these flat levels, Starfire. There's not a lot of time to grind or have interesting levels or anything. Not that I'm complaining or anything....about the grinding. It provides a decent balance and stuff. Besides, even if you don't like it, you still get some pretty cool bosses, like a Gradius boss combined with a regular boss, or something that would feel comfortable in its confusing Antisemitism, or....Death? The one from Castlevania? Did Telenet Japan read that one comment somewhere about Valis being like Castlevania, and then give up on refuting it? How's that the one theme that remains consistent between these blogs? Oh, and speaking of death, guess what happens when you die? If you said "you go back to the beginning of the level and lose all your EXP and HP bonuses", then you fucking scare me. Why not write the rest of this blog, Mr. Psychic?....That's what I thought. Odd that you didn't predict the most predictable part: it's not an especially long game. At this point, I'm just parroting myself from previous blogs, so let's end this one before I fall into a wormhole or something.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Not a lot of story in a game series that's kinda big on story.
  • I wouldn't call the levels bad by any measure of the word; just really boring.
  • Combat's cool, though, I guess.

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Posted by Video_Game_King

Fable III

( Right now, there is somebody on Earth who is fucking pissed at me for titling blog such as this.) Hopefully, there are even more than that, if I did my job correctly. But I had to make that title! Why? Well, partially because I wanted to fuck with Psycosis, but also because that's really one of the main reasons why I played Fable III. The fact that it's a cool game was merely an a-wait, I've already used that joke. It's good. (The game, not necessarily the joke. But the joke is s-LET'S JUST GET ON WITH THE DAMN BLOG ALREADY!)
 
So, back to what I was talking about before I distracted myself (fuck me): Fable III. Turns out there's another reason I had to play this: I can teach you how to King properly. It all began with Fable II, a game I didn't like. Then things happened, and then Fable III began. Those things included "forgetting about Fable II, except for a few instances" and "the Industrial Revolution." Also, chickens. TONS OF FUCKING CHICKENS. (Take note of how this game forces you to become Chickenhead. Peter Molyneux is a man to be feared, only barely because he's a dogman with magical testicles.) But that's not what the game's about; it's actually about building support (and ripping off the Thundercats anime a couple of times, all the while hoping that the NPCs just fucking shut up) to rebel against your asshole brother for being a shit King. Oh, and those are the only character traits he gets: asshole and shit King. Also, sexist, given that one of his first acts is to say that "the war room is no place for a 'gina". (That's an actual quote.) Granted, he tries to have some amount of humanity near the end, but (for reasons you'll see later on) there's no way it could ever work. But you know what could work? The "support" thing from earlier. Turns out that one thing that Fable III's really good at is making you feel like you're gaining the support of the people. I'd say that it's limited to seeing a bunch of ghosts in the Road to Rule (imagine The Spirit's boss fight, only without the terrifying connotations), but it isn't. (So why would I say it?) Just walk around any town, and you'll see how much your people love you...or how much they'd like to see your guts hanging from the rooftops. Depends on how much of an asshole you are. 
 
 This is about as dirty as things get.
Speaking of which, there's a lot of ways to fuck around with the people of Albion. Unfortunately, you have to unlock a lot of them (I guess you have to be trained in the secret art of belching loudly), but once you do, the options are endless. Of course, you'll probably only choose one: the fucking. It won't be easy, though. You'll actually have to build up a relation with somebody before they're willing to fuck you. Somehow, this involves questing and holding hands for a few seconds.(While I'm on hand-holding, I might as well mention that it's not too refined. Somehow, I've been able to drag people without touching them. I must be a Jedi.) But is it all worth it? No, not at all. This is it. Enjoy. That's all the reward you'll get for turning the local tailor into your on-demand sex slave. (This was a thing that I did. It is not a joke.) Actually, there's more to relationships than that. You can have houses and children and all that other stuff. I'm sure that it's pretty cool, but it's not sex, so it doesn't make for an interesting blog, does it? And now that I think about it, you don't play this game for the porn.
 
So what do you play it for? Exploration? I hope you mean "quests", because if you meant "exploration", you're clearly not ashamed of being really, really stupid. To be fair, Fable III is pretty conducive to exploration. The environments seem to be large and open, and there's a lot of stuff hidden away in the dungeons and towns and whatevers. Combine that with the fact that there are a lot of such whatevers, a...w....what's that? Is that the dog? Oh hell. This little nutsucker destroys any hope of exploration. If there's a secret within 200 yards of your character, the dog's gonna find that and force you to spawn a shovel from the nether-realm (I was playing as a female character wearing goddamn nothing, so don't think about it too much). Just let me find things on my own, dog. I don't want you pointing me toward every secret there is. (I'd have similar complaints against the glowing trail, but since it sucks, it doesn't do as much damage as the dog.) I don't even want you. You have absolutely no use outside pointing me to things I should have found on my own (or did, in some cases). What's that? Combat? When? When does the dog serve any combat purposes? I don't remember his growls ever doing anything for the combat. Let's see, what other uses could he have?.....Socialization? I can't fuck the dog, so it's a useless endeavor. Speaking of fucking, FUCK YOU, MOLYNEUX! FUCK YOU AND YOUR MAGICAL DOG PRANKS!
 
 Is Fable a British term meaning "Gears of War"?
Wait, didn't I say that the quests were pretty cool? Yes, me, they are pretty cool. They do a decent job of making you familiar with all the gameplay concepts that I spent a billion words explaining, just like Portal. And there are some pretty funny moments (Donkey Kong 64: The RPG? And it's a hot cliché!?), just like Portal. And the achievement descriptions are far better than the actual achievements, just l....wait, that was El Shaddai. That doesn't change the fact that I'm a fan of the quests in this game. I'd say why I like them, but I just did. Pay attention, good sir. The only major problem I have is getting to the quests. I might as well tell you here because it's not well explained in-game. First, you go to the pause screen stolen right from Terranigma. Then, you have to look at your map, press Y, and then choose which quest you want to do. Not sure why I couldn't just hit a button to bring up my quests (especially since it can get kinda load-screeny this way), but whatever. At least I'm still questing and stuff.
 
I wish I could say the same about the battle system. I also wish I could say that I hate it, since that would make for a better blog. But alas, I am doomed to kinda sorta like it, somewhat. So, the battle system: you get your choice of magic, melee, or guns. Each one feels a bit button-mashy, but two things about that: first, it's like Kingdom Hearts, so I can't really complain. Second, you can choose not to mash a single button repeatedly like a terrible Smashing Pumpkins song. There's some actual strategy to be had in blocking attacks or manually aiming or charging your lightning for twelve minutes. Of course, it's also very easy to stick to one weapon or spell the entire game, but the point I'm failing to make is that the option's there. Speaking of options, though, the weapon customization kinda sucks. Remember way back in....i can't even remember the year, but remember how in Fable II, weapons and spells upgraded based on how often you used them? Somehow, that was the one thing that Molyneux removed from the game. Not the dog (egotist prick), but the cool weapon system. And what do you get in return? Opening chests to upgrade your weapons. I know that part of the idea behind sequels is to introduce creative new ideas, but it's usually understood that those ideas have to be good ideas.
 
In some alternate universe, there exists Lady Sexyface.
Hell, just look at the customization system. That managed to be creative, but without the caveat of being worse than before. If anything, it's the best character customization I've seen in a game yet. Why? Well, again, remember Fable II and how each piece of clothing/hair/whatever came with some stupid moral dimension attached? Guess what they got rid of? It's just as awesome as it sounds. No longer am I limited by Peter Molyneux's troubling sense of morality! I am now free to let my imagination roam as I wish...which obviously meant that I immediately made a Lady Sexyface with lobster claws. Yes, the game allows you to go that far, but it goes even farther than that. How, you ask? Changing your appearance based on your actions. I know, but it's not like that shit Fable II system; this time, it actually makes sense. For example, if you die a lot (not that you will, given that this is an easy game, partly due to death not doing jack shit to you), your character begins adopting an odd skeletal look. I think. I don't remember it building up, but that's what it has to be, right? A less scary option, however, is seeing battle wounds on your character. It's like the developers finally managed to create the persistent world (minus trees growing in real time...maybe) they've been promising since....2004? It's been that long? Fuck! Oh, and it doesn't hurt that this is a good looking game (if a bit...off), either.  

Hold on, I forgot to mention the one reason this blog is going to be awesome: the Kinging feature. Remember that part about you overthrowing your asshole brother? You know, from twenty chapters ago? Guess what? The game doesn't end there. Now you have to rule the Kingdom in his place. Don't expect anything too complex, though; it's mostly just a few decisions you can take at your leisure. But that's OK, and you know why? You still get the feeling that it's not so easy to rule a Kingdom and be beloved by your citizens. And I do mean you. I, on the other hand, found it to be really fucking easy. (Like the rest of the game, but that's not important right now.) It's just about managing numbers while not giving in to local asshole (that's pretty much his only job; the game even says so when he enters your court) Reaver. But fret not, dear peasants! I will not keep my amazing Kinging secrets...well, secret. I'm going to share with you the best way to rule a Kingdom.
 
  1. Abandon your dignity and become a dirty hippy. Sorry, but you gotta start somewhere, and why not make pies for homeless children and play your dirty hippy guitar? These are all great ways to make money (although I'm confused as to why homeless children are spending their money on pies instead of homes), which leads right into step two:
  2. Buy every business and house in Albion. This step was specifically designed to piss off both hippies and Republicans. OK, in actuality, that's just a great side-effect of this step. It was really there to allow me to...
  3. Jack up the prices like crazy. What are they gonna do? Buy from some other business? Live in the streets? I OWN ALL OF ALBION, FOOLS! That's the key to being a good ruler: make the people think that they want what I'm forcing them into. That way, they'll hand over all t-oops, that's the fourth step.
  4. Let the money flow forth. No, seriously, just let it flow forth. You'll be raking in enough money to recreate the intro to DuckTales, if you put on your chicken suit. (Or perhaps your very being will be consumed by Chickenhead, leading to the end of Albion. Only one way to find out). Of course, there's no way you're going to do something so brazen and irresponsible; instead, you go through with step five:
  5. Dump it all into the treasury. That way, you can tell Reaver to go eat a dick without bankrupting your entire Kingdom. That's the part mots people seem to forget.
Just remember this: you can question my methods (and possibly even Lady Sexyface's puffed up face at the end), but not my results. So don't question my methods.
 

Review Synopsis

  • I don't have much to say about the story, but A LOT to say about how it's presented, at least in theory.
  • There are just so many cool ways to interact with the world of Albion.
  • I would put Molyneux on a leash and harness his power for myself, but he has the power to turn himself into exactly twenty-seven snakes whenever he wants. I'm not touching that.
 
 
 
 
This is why you don't let the Cookie Monster write your episodes of Sesame Street:
  
  

Super Valis IV

( Wait, didn't I JUST do a Valis game?) Actually, yes, I did. In fact, it was of so much justness that I'm not going to bother linking you to the blog in question. So why am I tackling Valis again? Well, it's all about the title. Unfortunately, I still have dignity, so I couldn't cover those hentai games. So here's the next best thing: Super Valis IV. And I really do mean t...no, I don't. I don't mean that this is the next step up from those games. That would be Syd of Valis, the pathetically easy, chibified Valis II. Wait, where was I going with this? Oh, right: Valis III is still the best Valis game ever.
 
However, there is one thing it beats the other Valis games in: less Yuko. You know, the girl who was confused by rain (probably because she's several species of alien)? Turns out that she's a god now or something. How's that working out? Not too well, apparently. Apparently, some dickhead named Gallagher (man, the creativity of the villain names has been dropping quite a bit over these games, hasn't it?) has decided to be evil and stuff. While that's a strong enough motivation for a game, it isn't for Yuko, so she's sitting this one out. Who steps up in her place? Lena/Rena/ Starfire. She's some random girl. That's all the characterization you're getting, and that's pretty much all the story you're getting. Kind of disappointing for a Valis game, especially one that seems to be accepting that it's an anime. But all you get are a couple of anime stills with sloppily translated text (I guess the more Japanese the name of the console, the more willing people are to confirm stereotypes of them) every now and then. The worst part, though, is that this game could really use the story. I need only point to one level to illustrate my point: Valhalla. Yes, somehow, the Norse afterlife makes its way into Dreamland. But it's not Valhalla; it's Oz. Only instead of falling asleep among the flowers, you go to church. Why? How should I know? I'm still trying to figure out how a Valis game became Teen Titans eleven years before the cartoon became big.
 
 OK, how the hell did French Engrish get in here?
OK, so the story isn't that good, probably because Nintendo thought Philips was a better investment than Sony. But what about the gameplay? Is that any good? Not particularly. It's a platformer. You jump....sometimes. The levels can be a bit flat and dull, at times, like some sexist joke or something. In fact, they're so flat and dull that I mistook them for Yuko. Wait, I meant to say "I don't have much else to say about them." So what am I going to talk about for two more paragraphs? Well, the combat's pretty cool. For example, remember how in just my last blog, I didn't like how Cham was the only one who didn't have to charge her attacks? Good news: that shit's gone. Now you can just press Y and expect things to drop dead the first time. The only problem is that sometimes, the screen will pause to let you know how awesome that kill was. In fact, it seems to do it with regularity. It seems to be an experience system of some type. Don't get excited, though, and for two reasons. First, Syd of Valis had a "leveling system", and look at how well that turned out. Then again, that improved attacks, which brings me to my second point: this one doesn't do a whole lot. Your life improves, and that's about it. No new attacks or anything. Oh, but speaking about attacks, there are decent special weapons, I guess. Like dragon heads and armor with the magical power of being armor. Again, story would have helped immensely.
 
So is there anything that I genuinely and unapathetically like about this game? Not really, although boss fights take a unique twist. Super Valis IV is not a game that is willing to put up with your bullshit. Grind around too much, and bad things start to happen. Bad things like the boss gaining power. Better haul ass through these flat levels, Starfire. There's not a lot of time to grind or have interesting levels or anything. Not that I'm complaining or anything....about the grinding. It provides a decent balance and stuff. Besides, even if you don't like it, you still get some pretty cool bosses, like a Gradius boss combined with a regular boss, or something that would feel comfortable in its confusing Antisemitism, or....Death? The one from Castlevania? Did Telenet Japan read that one comment somewhere about Valis being like Castlevania, and then give up on refuting it? How's that the one theme that remains consistent between these blogs? Oh, and speaking of death, guess what happens when you die? If you said "you go back to the beginning of the level and lose all your EXP and HP bonuses", then you fucking scare me. Why not write the rest of this blog, Mr. Psychic?....That's what I thought. Odd that you didn't predict the most predictable part: it's not an especially long game. At this point, I'm just parroting myself from previous blogs, so let's end this one before I fall into a wormhole or something.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Not a lot of story in a game series that's kinda big on story.
  • I wouldn't call the levels bad by any measure of the word; just really boring.
  • Combat's cool, though, I guess.

Posted by Still_I_Cry

I actually never had sex in Fable III.

:(

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Still_I_Cry
 
I'd pop your Fable III cherry in co-op, but Lady Sexyface has her standards. Also, I don't have a Gold account.
Posted by Pop

I stopped playing Fable 3 when i realized I have to keep my computer turned on for 12 hours to have all the money to get the perfectly good ending, which is not worth it.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Pop
 
Nobody ever said that being King was particularly entertaining in all areas. Besides, you could still do some quests and stuff. There was always that.
Posted by ArbitraryWater

So, if you play story games for the porn, then does that mean you played Heavy Rain just for that one awkward as hell sex scene between two European robots pretending to be Americans?

Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater
 
Keep in mind that I don't own a PS3. However, I did play Snatcher for the awkward shower scene.
Posted by Hizang

I never really enjoyed Fable II, so I never got the third one.

Posted by Mento

@Video_Game_King: There's a couple in Fahrenheit/Indigo Prophecy too if you want to go further back and still be in the land of David Cage's European-as-American Erotic Automatons.

Also I gone done did my TOEE blog for this week. Ball's in your court, Kingy.

Moderator Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Hizang
 
Get it. It's better than Fable II ever was. No stupid prison section or anything.
Posted by Guided_By_Tigers
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Unknown_Pleasures
 
Not shitty; just very average. Isn't that how memory works? You remember the more extreme stuff, not the mundane stuff?
Posted by Guided_By_Tigers

The only thing I remember is that the chick looks like one of the fighters from Evil Zone....and I'm pretty sure while I played it that's all I was thinking.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Unknown_Pleasures
 
Huh? Which girl? Setsuna? That's as close as I can remember. All I remember of Evil Zone was that it was all the right kinds of fucking weird.
Posted by Guided_By_Tigers

Yeah Setsuna.....and I fucking loved Evil Zone.....I played it to death years ago.

Posted by AlexW00d

Holy fuck you're a premium member now. They have dollars on the moon?

Posted by Video_Game_King
@AlexW00d
 
It was actually part of the Pay it Forward thing. And fuck you; the Lunar economy is fantastic.
Posted by Guided_By_Tigers
It was actually part of the Pay it Forward thing. And fuck you; the Lunar economy is fantastic.

I was wondering when you would finally get that.....my guess is you were the first person to get it after they collected enough funds.

Posted by kingzetta
Posted by Psycosis

YOU SON OF A BITCH.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@kingzetta
 
Didn't I play as a lady? Also, this would have made more sense about two blogs ago (that was when I did Mirror's Edge, right?).
 
@Psycosis said:

YOU SON OF A BITCH.