By Video_Game_King 16 Comments
Donkey Kong( Holy shit, we're entering Final Fantasy territory!) You probably don't know what that means, so let me explain: after this, I can only play songs relating to the Final Fantasy of that game's position. Why, you ask? I don't know. However, because this is the last song before that time, I need a song that'll pump the shit out of me. Ignoring the grossness of that sentence, there are two other reasons I need a song to pump me up: this game isn't too good, and I have to type THIS ENTIRE EFFING THING AGAIN after Firefox didn't know how to handle an audio file. Thanks, Firefox.
I can already sense you storming my castle with pitchforks, so hear me out on two things: first, I have invested in the most advanced anti-pitchfork technology, so you have absolutely no chance. Second, I only speak of the Atari 2600 version. I know that this confuses you, since you think that they're the same exact thing, and I will admit that they share a lot. The Atari 2600 version's still about Jumpman making poor pet decisions, Donkey Kong showing him how wrong he was in telling Mother Nature that she can suck a fat one, and Jumpman scaling terribly built buildings to rescue his girlfriend. On that note, let me say that the building of the Donkey Kong mythos has to be the least stable thing ever built, since a carpenter is destroying all the rivets every four levels. Wait, did I say four? I meant two. Turns out that the Atari version cut out two levels for no reason. Don't tell me that the Atari 2600 couldn't handle it; if people can hack Halo and Mega Man onto this, then Donkey Kong could probably be presented in its full glory. As it stands, though, you only get the two levels that everybody can blast through in the time it takes to go to the bathroom.
But wait, there's less! Act now, and your hammer won't get the classic music. I know that it's an extremely petty thing to riff on, in so many ways, but it really does make the game worse. Without the music, you realize how useless the damn thing actually is. You can't jump or climb ladders with it, and since half the levels in the game feature non-regenerating enemies, you're often stuck walking around like an asshole, searching for targets to kill. After about two uses with the damn thing, I never touched it again; the game did not get any harder because of it. Hell, the game didn't get harder . I was able to blast through the levels rather easily, and the game didn't exactly make any attempts to become more difficult. Barrels and fires certainly don't get more difficult, and because I didn't exactly care about a high score in a game without any type of battery backup, that score at the top that slowly clicks down never really matters. Because of all this, I was able to beat the game nine times in the span of three seconds, meaning none of you can fault me for not playing the game enough.
I feel like the guys who ported this knew that, though, and, for whatever reason, need you dead. In come those fire things from before. Remember how I said that it was so easy to jump over them? Well, it still is, but let's say that you're running away from one, and it gets really close to you. Maybe you just suck at Donkey Kong; who knows? Anyway, you clearly jump away from the fire, over a peg, and onto a safety platform. And die. Because apparently, the hit boxes on these things extend halfway across Russia. So what could you possibly get from this version that no other has? It's not like it came cheap, either; turns out that Atari 2600 games sold for $20-30, meaning that you could play 80-120 games of the good version of Donkey Kong for the exact same price. So, yea....the Atari 2600 version of this game just sucks. No way around that. I'd give it the Suck Award, but I feel like I may have already done that, so I'll just give it the Giant Monkey Arms of Death Award. It doesn't even deserve an original joke from me, despite the fact that I gave it just that several times by now.
- How do you make a four level game shorter? The oddly simple answer is "cut the fucker in half."
- Man, the difference between arcade and 2600 really shows.
- And by that, I may mean "they didn't spend any time polishing the game."
You know, you learn something new everyday. For example, this video taught me that President Taft secreted enough sweat to lube all the planes in the upcoming World War.
Mr. Nutz( This game's on-ness, however, is not Donkey Kong.) Then again, this game has a perfectly valid excuse for its on-ness not being Donkey Kong: it's not Donkey Kong. Actually, now that I think about it, the last game's on-ness wasn't very Donkey Kong, and that game was Donkey Kong. My whole world is turned upside down when Mr. Nutz's on-ness is more Donkey Kong than that of Donkey Kong. OK, enough about how a given game's on-ness is Donkey Kong, which I don't even think is a thing; let's talk about the actual game.
Let me get this out of the way right now: I am not going to do any testicle jokes in this blog, as hard as that's going to be for a game like this. If you want jokes like that, either click the link I hypocritically provided or wait for me to do a Spanky's Quest blog in the future. That said, Mr. Nutz dresses like a fag. Let's look at how he dresses: a trucker cap, an open vest without a shirt, short shorts, and sneakers. That may not sound like terrible fashion choice, but after you look at an artist's representation of Mr. Nutz, you'll see how much of an affront to fashion he really is. I realize that this has nothing to do with the story, but it's certainly more interesting than the more relevant things I could say about the game. The story's about some yeti who does things or something; it's never explained well, but if I remember correctly, it's something to do with the weather. Maybe. Keep in mind that I'm remembering from the Game Boy Color version that I originally played, whose only difference is that it maybe explains the story? I may be remembering something else, like a manual or FAQ I read at the time; the point is that I focused on the gay jokes for a reason.
That reason being that there's nothing to mention about this game. It's a typical platformer wherein you jump through levels and on enemies. Jumping on enemies is oddly satisfying, especially when you build up combos of bounces, but it doesn't pay off in any significant way. Oh, you can also shoot enemies with a limited number of acorns, and swipe your tail in case they get close and you can't jump, but that's about it. Unfortunately, though, this only works on normal-sized enemies, and there's an oddly high number of tiny ones in the game that are slightly harder to combat; you can't swipe or shoot at the bastards, and you can't always jump on them, meaning there will be some instances where you'll have to sacrifice your manhood to move on. It's OK, though, as you have five manhoods to spare, judging by that disapproving picture of Mr. Nutz up there. Do you understand how hard it is to come up with original things to say about the game itself? It barely does anything original. Sure, it introduces new concepts level by level, but there are a few flaws with that: first, it never builds on them in the way you want. Second, these aren't really unique concepts. It's just crap like pushing, swinging, and running. I know that last one sound odd, but for the longest time, I could not figure out how to run. Unless you know that you're running, the game isn't very good at telling you that you're running. But you better learn, because it's necessary if you want to finish the game.
Well, that was a boring way to end the paragraph. How about we kinda-start this next paragraph with the following statement: this game is terrifying. Not at first, though; the fear begins with minor things like being lost in non-linear levels and a spider that looks like it was ripped from Song of the South. Speaking of obscure Disney references, remember this? Wait, you do? Then it's not obscure, is it? Anyway, things don't get scary until after you beat the underground volcano level, when you get to the cloud level. Doesn't sound scary until you get to the boss: a giant reminiscent of Eggman from the end of Sonic & Knuckles, if he shot out a billion goddamn eyes, and killed you with his tongue. You are expected to kill this thing. Somehow, you do, though, and follow it up by wandering through a circus populated only by birds and scary mice. Oh, and a clown that's somehow less horrifying when you play the second part of Dancing Mad over it. How do you follow that up? Why, with Eskimos who have the weirdest form of multiple personality disorder in the history of psychology, of course! Immediately after giving you a helpful hint, the head Eskimo and all his friends proceed to spear you to death. But you remain undeterred. Do you remember what you just saw? You saw a clown remove his fucking head and use it as a killing device; human weapons don't affect you anymore. Sucks that the final boss is a Yeti, then, right? Actually, no.