By Video_Game_King 12 Comments
( I put the word Christmas in quotations because this has little, if anything, to do with Christmas.) Instead, it's about the ten year old holiday of the Night of the Sexyface. Here's a recap: long ago, Bushwald Sexyface decided to beat the hell out of Satan Claus. He also met Burt Reynolds. Or maybe it was Tom Selleck. It's a confusing holiday, to say the least. That's why I'm writing this blog: to show all the confused people of the world how to celebrate a proper Night of the Sexyface.
It was close to midnight on the Moon; I don't know what the equates to on Earth, but I'll pretend that it was also midnight on Earth, somewhere. Stoners know a lot about time, right? Anyway, I was playing Samurai Shodown II whilst sitting on my thrown, kicking major ass as Nakoruru. However, I eventually heard strange sounds from the roof. I realize how weird it was for me to hear noises from the roof while the throne room is on the first of five floors, but trust me, it was coming from the roof. I went to the top of my castle to check, and saw Bushwald Sexyface, alone on the roof. I shouldn't have been weirded out, since he lives in the castle as a Lunarian hero, but something definitely felt off. Maybe it was how he greeted me: before I got within sight of him, he said, "What are you doing up here, King bloke?" Confused, I asked him how he knew that it was me coming up the stairs. His response: "You're the only guy in the entire castle who plays that music wherever ya go. Shouldn't you be on Earth hunting down that Satan Claus fellow and whatnot?" I replied with a simple, "I killed him last year, don't you remember?"
Finally, Bushwald was forced to break the silence, just like I was forced to break the alliterative paragraphs. "So, uh, King bloke", he asked me, "you still doing that blog thing?" My response: "Damn straight I am! Hell, I'm nearing the big 1000. Any day now." "Eh? 1000 games? But what about that huge room fu-" I cut him off there because that's a secret no human can handle. "Oh, I almost forgot: I used my blog to advertise this glorious h-" Right then, I noticed a shopping cart barely outside my field of vision. It wasn't there when I came up, and I knew for a fact that Bushwald did not bring it up. How the hell did it get there, damn it? However, it being the Night of the Sexyface, I peaked into cart and found some oddly specific items. In it were the traditional clothes of filler, but I also encountered games like Epic Mickey, Donkey Kong Country Returns, Sonic Colors (the fuck?), Goldeneye 007, Castlevania: Lords of Shadow, and Epic Yarn. But I also found some non-game crap that was oddly specific, like Japanese lessons, a calendar of hotties, Earth: The Book, and...food? The hell? I looked toward Bushwald Sexyface and plainly stated, "You do realize that we're far more advanced than Earth, and you could've gotten me some new Lunar games, right? And I'm not talking about the series that tanked after Dragon Song; I mean games from around here." He quickly responded with, "Really? We're more advanced? This place looks like King Arthur got it up with that Star Wars lass." (I have no idea whom he was referring to when he said "Star Wars lass.") My rage grew to proportions so great that they, once again, summoned music. I yelled, "Did you just insult the Moon? That's it! Battle!" We rushed at each other, jumping into the air for a glorious fight. At the peak of our leap, I whispered to him, "Happy Night of the Sexyface." And then I realized that I probably should have thought this feature out a bit more. How about I make this worthwhile? I might as well end with a rave while you imagine how the fight went.: