By Video_Game_King 4 Comments
( And, once again, I continue my search for the Temple of Elemental Evil.) Last time I tried searching for it...you know what? Let's just dive right in. It's more fun that way.
Anyway, last time, Clearly Out of their Elemental Evil finally conquered Moathouse and emerged to find me...and ArbitraryWater...and the rest of Mento's team. That was certainly a surprising turn of events. The first response of everybody, naturally, is to socialize and mingle and stuff. Neutralio chats it up with ahoodedfigure, asking him if he's capable of healing his pain (I imagine ahoodedfigure's response cannot possibly be faggier than "No, but we can talk our feelings out"); ArbitraryWater just stares in fear of Banthor, thinking that she'll rob him blind (or maybe he's just trying to figure out the specific ways in which I've screwed her the hell up); Claude...I don't know what he does, mainly because I don't think anybody can no what the fuck he's doing at any point in time, but Sexyface hits on Issril by calling himself "The Freshmaker" (and Mento is furious at him for stealing his pick-up line). But what about me? I take out my crown and decide to kick some Falior ass. "Turn on the Romancing Saga 3, Bard-Guy", I yell to the Bard-Guy (I never learned his name). He starts singing... this...(huh?), and I handle things the best way I know how:
With some Romancing Saga...
A touch of Phantom Brave...
And Fire Emblem! But I know that I'm eating up precious time, so I transform into the Prince of Persia, rewind time, and tell Mento to steer clear of Moathouse. Good thing, too, because it turns out there's a lot more to Moathouse than throwing banana peels at bandits. Like bugbears, for example. Naturally, I order them all killed because of that one quest about RPG monsters. Finally, justice is served...ironically. Also, everybody except Sexyface levels up. Apparently, this game doesn't give out EXP for trying to get some bugbear love. I assume that Troika is full of racists. Falior uses this opportunity to become a tank, while Neutralio finally gets those decent spells that Mento's been talking about.
That out of the way, Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil sells their excess inventory in town before rushing into Moathouse and kills everything in sight. And I mean EVERYTHING: goblins, ghouls, possibly some ghosts, a giant lobster (I guess the DND definition of "monster" is "some creature made bigger"), gnolls, and so much more. Hell, I think the gnolls were actually willing to leave, but Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil does not care; they just wish to murder and loot everything in sight. This strategy doesn't work too well when they discover a small army's worth of bandits hiding deep within Moathouse. They must adapt their tactics. Neutralio lubes up the floor, ready to show those fuckers the wiz biz, and Issril summons the Celestial Owl just to get it killed mid-combat. She will never pay for her hubris. But after much fighting, all the bandits are dead, and the game is over. Somewhere, in all that, Sexyface finally levels up. And good times were had.
Wait, one of those sentences was a lie. Hint: it was the one about the bandits being dead and the game being over. Turns out that the leader (known as The Master) still needs to be killed. Clearly Out of their Elemental Evil breaks into his room (presumably while he's changing clothes or something) and whacks the hell out of him. Neutralio even gets in on the fun and spills motor oil all over his good rugs. Horrified, The Master (known as Lareth) begs forgiveness of Falior, of all people. He promises a gold chain and entry into the Temple of Elemental Evil in exchange for not being killed. Falior takes the gold chain, accepts the offer...and takes to killing him anyway. That out of the way, Issril suddenly confuses herself for Banthor and robs the poor fool of all his possessions, including his diary. Might as well go back to town and sell these precious memories. But wait! A group of warriors waits outside Moathouse to confront the group (whom they've met before...somehow). Not only do they pinpoint what everybody is thinking about this ragtag group of impulsive toddlers, but also threaten to kill them for making the world a better place. Wait, what? Fuck that! The group runs for their life into the Moathouse, works their way to the top, and tries to exit to the safety of the tower. Yet in the courtyard, they meet none other than the same group from before.
Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil proceeds to walk straight past them and into the tower to rest for a week or two. Those other warriors must have forgotten why they came, because if I remember correctly, Sexyface speaks to one of them and finds out that the warriors want to join Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil. I force him to decline, since that many warriors would be hell on my computer. But I do allow them to collect that thieving kit they missed before. Sexyface spots a trap rigged around it and falls for it anyway. Why? I guess because it's a lady-targeting trap, since Issril and Banthor are the only ones affected. I send the group to rest it off and forget the lesson they should have learned from this exercise. Of course, this ordeal has left them with more inventory items than they know what to do with (I mean that quite literally; most of them are either over-encumbered, out of space, or both), so I force them to pawn off a lot of it. Yet Falior has that gold chain from before draped around his neck like a trophy of sorts, and Issril puts ten rings on one hand. (Is it sinking in yet?)
While the group trades in all their crap, the Blacksmith offers the group a simple challenge, probably out of pity: open a chest and they can have what's inside. Banthor finally steps up to the plate and...is unable to open the chest. Stricken with grief, she runs off to the mayor's place, hoping to find consolation in the fact that she looted his place rather efficiently. Naturally, everybody warps to her position inside the house. Neutralio then informs the mayor (I should stop calling him a mayor, since he's technically an elder) of their success at Moathouse. "That was five months ago", he replies. "I knew I shouldn't have hired the first group of assholes to walk into town." He then banishes them to the shitty little backwater hamlet of Nulb. What adventures await them there? I probably know by now, but you sure as hell don't! Unless you're Mento or ArbitraryWater, which is highly likely. Anyway, next time: Nulb adventures!