By Video_Game_King 27 Comments
LSD( In case you're wondering, yes, that is an actual game.) Sort of; it's hard to call this thing a game, since it doesn't meet a lot of standards for what you'd call a game. OK, so you press buttons and that results in things happening, but keep in mind (hard, I know, since this game will destroy your mind) that there are no goals, no way to lose, no way to die, really, no ending (I had to come up with the custom (and oddly apt) 100 days thing to beat it), and nothing to do.
Shit, I just remembered something: this game has no story. Whatever, I'll make up for it by replicating the LSD experience in this very blog. How, you ask? By linking random phrases to even more random shit I found! Anyway, LSD was marketed as a dream emulator (you'd think dream simulator (build up for backward LSD), but it covers the LSD acronym part A LOT), which already brings up a few issues. First, I'm sure NiGHTS into Dreams covered the whole dream emulation thing about two years prior. Second, I was emulating this apparently-rare-as-hell game, meaning I was emulating an emulation. I'm not sure how that works, and that's not even factoring in that I'm emulating dreams. Is that illegal? Do I live in an Orwellian state or some type of corporate oligarchy, where even my most personal thoughts are ultimately the rightful products of some faceless being, using me only for their own selfish ends?
The weird thing, though, is that I called this a dream emulator. There's no way that it works like that. Instead, you wander around random areas, ranging from a lonely and incredibly depressing city (in my visit, I saw two dead bodies, an outline, and a trash can full of used limbs) to a spiral staircase that leads absolutely nowhere. You can't get stuck, however, as by touching any random object nearby, you'll be flashed away to a random location by a color with some type of hidden meaning. Hell, it doesn't even have to be an object, it just has to be something you can touch. Now repeat this until your dream is over next decade, and you get a graph corresponding to your experience. Here's mine from the final day. Notice how all the days seemed to gravitate toward the center. That's because these stats don't mean shit. That dream I mentioned earlier, where the only other people I found were dead? Turns out the game considers that an upper dream, since we all know the greatest cure for depression is a dead body. The only constant I found was that the man in black is a major bummer. You can't do anything with him, as he flashes away when you approach. Just who the hell is this mystery man?
Of course, the game had me asking a lot more questions than that. Why is everything coated in Japanese? Why do some dreams consist merely of weird-ass videos? What the hell is the flashback option, and why does it go away when I jump off cliffs in my dreams? Most importantly, why the hell isn't anything happening? Once you get used to the weird nature of this game, you slowly start to realize just how much nothing there is in this game. You can only interact with things by walking straight into them, so your first instinct in each area will be to run face first into the nearest object, which, now that I think about it, is my approach to dating. The only difference is the amount of success here, in that there's a little bit. Some objects unlock neat little movies, others warp you to places, but the only way you can find out is through trial, error, and more error. Error results in being warped to a random location, although things get less random when you realize that levels repeat A LOT. It'll try to hid this by covering the levels in Japanese or using other weird textures, but you'll catch on quick. There was this one area the game repeated a lot: it was a large square with two exits and a giant hole. My first instinct upon seeing this area was to run into the nearest object just to get the hell out of there. Of course, the game gets weird with the warping, sometimes sending you to the same place where you just were, or launching you into the sky, but I needed ANYTHING to get away from that damn square room! GRR!!! Why couldn't you have more variety, LSD? I expected more from a game named after a drug. That's why I'm giving you the Cough Drop Overdose Award for Being Crap in Terms of Druggery.
- Weird as shit, impossible to lose.
- Runs out of steam pretty damn fast.
As long as we're on the subject of dreams and things that are as confusing as shit...
Mario Party 3( Come on, I just had to do this game.) Look at that number I've been awkwardly inserting into my headers for the past 18 blogs: 64. How could I not do an N64 game? That'd be like blogging about parody films without mentioning how shit they are. Besides, it's a decent game, and isn't that enough reason to blog about it? No, it isn't? Well, how about this: it has a dildo joke buried in there at some point. Happy now?
Anyway, Mario Party 3: every 1000 years, a Millennium Star is born with a full mustache and bushy eyebrows. Like just about everything in the Mario Party universe, it grants a wish...under certain circumstances, of course. Before he'll do anything for you, you need to fill out a stamp card, like you're doing some weird Disneyland family activity or some shit. After you fill out each stamp, you'll see Bowser come onto the scene for the Douche Dance before everybody walks away out of some deep sense of shame. This may not sound like much, since the story's so formulaic that it's taught in calculus classes across the world, but unlike the other Mario Party games, there's a good reason for the story: it has a story mode. You know, for the poor bastards who want to party alone before drowning their sorrows in lukewarm beer and salty tears. Wow, your sadness is poetic.
Of course, for those of us who...OK, I wasn't playing this game multiplayer, but only because I gave the multiplayer love to Melee. I could at least transfer that easily into beating up the computers in the new duel mode, what's your excuse? Oh, you don't know what duel mode is? That's not even not an excuse; that's, like, the opposite of an excuse, whatever that is! I think it's duel mode, maybe, since I can't think of anything opposite "excuse." Anyway, duel mode's pretty much like a downgraded version of the regular game (no items, only 2 players, about 3 space types, etc.), but with one redeeming feature: combat. You and your opponent each get one partner (and another one later) who will beat the shit out of the opposition until the game ends. It sounds simple, and while it definitely is, and while it isn't the most balanced thing out there (land on a reverse space, and your opponent is SCREWED), I always found something satisfying about pairing Piranha Plants with Snipits to get Super Mega Death Team. That probably explains why nobody would play multiplayer with me: nobody else ever loved that mode as much as I did. "Screw them", I would say, shaking my fist at them, "I can still get it in single player!"
Meanwhile, they'd be playing some random mini-game, not even aware that I was shaking my fist. We all know how it works: collect stars, play some mini-games, collect more stars, somehow don't get the prediction to win (I guess you can buy more stars with half a coin) and at the end of it all, the Millenium Star furiously vibrates like a rampaging dildo in a ceremony to announce the winner. That hasn't really changed, as should be obvious to anybody not stuck on the picture of Cockzilla. What isn't obvious is that Cockzilla is on his way to your house. Also, the gameplay's been pretty damn refined, like how Bowser now gives out coins to those in last place (apparently the Bowser Revolution didn't piss off Republicans enough), or how you can carry multiple items. Yes, multiple items. You're still limited to one per turn, but that means you can begin one turn with a genie lamp, another with a Boo bell, and the third with a boot up your ass. That's what strategy gets you.
Oh, wait, that's the one thing Nintendo forgot to improve when making this game: the balance issues. Baby Bowser stars are gone, but that's about it, and it isn't even much when you consider what they've added. Specifically, that asshole Shy Guy, who steals your money, forces you into his casino, screwing you up the ass harder than that boot from the last paragraph. I guess in order to balance this out, Nintendo made computer AI so stupid that it'll call Bowser on itself. (The lesson to take away from that sentence is that communists are stupid.) I guess to balance that out, they added a shitton of games (good) that usually tend to favor one side (bad). OK, I'm probably exaggerating on that, especially since the game's still pretty damn fun as it is, but it's still hard to keep a controller out of somebody's throat when you find yourself paired up with the computer in the two vs two mini-games. That certainly explains why I gave this game the Melee Award for Most Violent Game with No Actual Violence.
- Finally, Nintendo threw a bone to those without friends! And another, in the form of duel mode!
- Mostly the same, but that's not a bad thing.
- No, that comes up when you lose all your coins to that damn Shy Guy, only to watch the computer waste a magic lamp you would've stolen from them had you landed a few spaces further.