Not a happy blog. Not a happy blog at all.

DuckTales 2

(This is the third time I've had to type this blog.) The first time I tried typing this, I hit backspace while not in the text box, which apparently translates into "DELETE ALL." The second time, Firefox exploded on me and then oh so coincidentally asked if it could install some updates. Yea, I'm not buying it, either. So here's to hoping the third time doesn't end with the police breaking into my house and confiscating my laptop for some reason. Now then, DuckTales 2.

Lacking any sort of transition, let's start with the most obvious place for a reviewer to start: the story. Scrooge McDuck has just found out that there is a some treasure somewhere that he has not yet stolen. Why hasn't he plundered it yet? He hasn't found the map to the treasure, which, for some reason, has been split into seven pieces. Pissed that there is treasure not stored away in his vault, Scrooge decides to travel the world, stealing money from foreigners and bashing their skulls in with a golf club (I am not kidding, he actually uses a golf club this time around).

In enters Main Gameplay Feature One: the cane bouncing thing. In any given level, there's a plethora of enemies and secret things to bounce on. It's a really fun feature, and the fact that the game encourages it only makes that better. However, there is one major problem with it: this is your only form of defense. That's right, the only way to kill your enemies is by bashing their heads in haphazardly. In situations where jumping would be a very stupid idea, this problem becomes evident quickly. There aren't even any power-ups or anything you can buy to circumvent this problem.

Wait, what was that about buying things? Oh, right, there's a little shop in this game, where you can buy life, extra lives, pieces of the map, etc. How do you get the money? The treasure you're collecting, obviously. Instead of increasing some arbitrary score at the top of the screen, the items you collect go towards your money amount. Automatic plus in favor of this game, since it means that the score actually has some meaning in this game. In fact, the entire treasure-hunting aspect nets this game an automatic plus.

There are no major flaws that I could find with it. Sure, the secret paths sometimes overlap the main path in a slightly confusing way, but the fact that it encourages you to explore the levels more than makes up for that flaw. I guess that was meant to make you feel like an actual treasure hunter rather than just Mario tripping over priceless artifacts, but I also guess that the feature was put in the game to stretch out the length. And it fails in that regard. The game is so short, you could probably complete faster than it takes to read this sentence. I wouldn't mind the shortness, either, if not for the bad ending. It's so bad, it earns the Shame on You, Capcom Award for Double Fooling.
Joke's on you; this never appears in the game.

"What's so bad about the ending", you might be asking. Well, let me explain: after taking down the T-1000 (why is there a Terminator parody in a Disney game?), Scrooge runs off the ship and watches it sink from a distance. He lost all his treasure, but he discovers that the greatest treasure of all is friendship. Fine, it sucks, but that's not the worst part; that goes to the total lack of the Duck Tales vault anywhere in the game. WHY DO NONE OF THESE GAMES HAVE THE VAULT!? One of the best parts of the show was seeing Scrooge swim in the vault, and you don't see that anywhere in the game. The main feature of this is treasure collecting, so wouldn't it make sense to see the vault fill up with treasure, then Scrooge diving in for a swim? But no, that's not here, nor in the original DuckTales. Why, Capcom? You didn't do this for other games. You had Monty Jack satiating his drug habit in Rescue Rangers, so where's my damn vault? I know it's petty to pester a company about a game made 16 years ago, but I can't help it, OK?



Review Synopsis

  • It's really fun to pogo-kill your enemies and the treasure you find along the way.
  • What an incredibly short game.
  • WHERE'S MY DAMN VAULT!?!?!?



Unforunately, I can't actually post the video directly into this blog post, so I had to resort to linking it. Fans of Sonic 3 & Knuckles will no doubt be interested.

Clockwork Knight

(Remember how I said Duck Tales 2 was the better game of this blog?) Well, here's where you get to find out why. But first, I'm sure you would like to know what the hell a Clockwork Knight is. Back in 1995, the industry was going through some major changes. The big three consoles each tried to prove that they were doing 3D best, so all of them tried it in their own various ways. Sony launched with that rabbit platformer whose name escapes me; Nintendo had Mario; and Sega launched with...well, Panzer Dragoon, a much better game. For those still not ready to make the big 3D leap, there was Clockwork Knight, a simple little platformer.

Tasked with the....task of rescuing the princess, you take the role of a cuckoo clock figurine modelled after a French knight (the French part striking me as a bit odd). But for whatever reason, the clock's in a children's room and the princess is in the attic, and rather than going straight to the attic (which he is capable of from the beginning), he embarks on a circuitous journey through the entire damn house.

Also, for whatever reason, the French knight uses a key as a weapon, as he's a very illogical character. He's the complete antithesis to the gameplay, which is incredibly standard. There's really nothing here in terms of gameplay that other games haven't done before. Platforming is standard, you only get one attack that I can describe as adequate, and each world follows a very strict pattern: two levels and a boss. Copy and paste a few times, throw in a final boss, and you're done with the game.

That's most of what I have to say about the game, honestly. Nothing really stuck out for me, and I can't remember much about it (although waiting a day or two to type up this review probably didn't help). The only points I actually have about the game are either vague or incredibly simplistic. However, they're all I have, so let's list them off, one by one! First, there's the incredible brevity of the situation. It's a challenging game, don't get me wrong; you're going to die quite a bit in this game, but you can still complete the game in the course of a day. As I mentioned, there are only about 12 levels in the entire game, and the time limit on each one is five minutes long. Not counting the final boss and assuming you never lose a life, that's an hour of gameplay. Come on.

And as I've mentioned, this isn't a particularly memorable hour. The only thing I could remember about it was slippery controls and some OK CGI (compared to Panzer Dragoon's simplistic cinemas), but that's not really enough to flesh out this review. Neither are the crappy attract mode or the gambling mini-game. I really don't want to end this review ridiculously early, but I really have no choice in the matter. I'm gonna give it the Why Did This Have a Sequel Award, and apologize for the high concentrations of crap found within this latter half of the blog. Just ignore it, as you will inevitably ignore this blog :P.

Review Synopsis

  • One of the most average games I've ever played.
  • One of the shortest games I've ever played.
  • One of the third bullets I've ever made.
19 Comments
20 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King

DuckTales 2

(This is the third time I've had to type this blog.) The first time I tried typing this, I hit backspace while not in the text box, which apparently translates into "DELETE ALL." The second time, Firefox exploded on me and then oh so coincidentally asked if it could install some updates. Yea, I'm not buying it, either. So here's to hoping the third time doesn't end with the police breaking into my house and confiscating my laptop for some reason. Now then, DuckTales 2.

Lacking any sort of transition, let's start with the most obvious place for a reviewer to start: the story. Scrooge McDuck has just found out that there is a some treasure somewhere that he has not yet stolen. Why hasn't he plundered it yet? He hasn't found the map to the treasure, which, for some reason, has been split into seven pieces. Pissed that there is treasure not stored away in his vault, Scrooge decides to travel the world, stealing money from foreigners and bashing their skulls in with a golf club (I am not kidding, he actually uses a golf club this time around).

In enters Main Gameplay Feature One: the cane bouncing thing. In any given level, there's a plethora of enemies and secret things to bounce on. It's a really fun feature, and the fact that the game encourages it only makes that better. However, there is one major problem with it: this is your only form of defense. That's right, the only way to kill your enemies is by bashing their heads in haphazardly. In situations where jumping would be a very stupid idea, this problem becomes evident quickly. There aren't even any power-ups or anything you can buy to circumvent this problem.

Wait, what was that about buying things? Oh, right, there's a little shop in this game, where you can buy life, extra lives, pieces of the map, etc. How do you get the money? The treasure you're collecting, obviously. Instead of increasing some arbitrary score at the top of the screen, the items you collect go towards your money amount. Automatic plus in favor of this game, since it means that the score actually has some meaning in this game. In fact, the entire treasure-hunting aspect nets this game an automatic plus.

There are no major flaws that I could find with it. Sure, the secret paths sometimes overlap the main path in a slightly confusing way, but the fact that it encourages you to explore the levels more than makes up for that flaw. I guess that was meant to make you feel like an actual treasure hunter rather than just Mario tripping over priceless artifacts, but I also guess that the feature was put in the game to stretch out the length. And it fails in that regard. The game is so short, you could probably complete faster than it takes to read this sentence. I wouldn't mind the shortness, either, if not for the bad ending. It's so bad, it earns the Shame on You, Capcom Award for Double Fooling.
Joke's on you; this never appears in the game.

"What's so bad about the ending", you might be asking. Well, let me explain: after taking down the T-1000 (why is there a Terminator parody in a Disney game?), Scrooge runs off the ship and watches it sink from a distance. He lost all his treasure, but he discovers that the greatest treasure of all is friendship. Fine, it sucks, but that's not the worst part; that goes to the total lack of the Duck Tales vault anywhere in the game. WHY DO NONE OF THESE GAMES HAVE THE VAULT!? One of the best parts of the show was seeing Scrooge swim in the vault, and you don't see that anywhere in the game. The main feature of this is treasure collecting, so wouldn't it make sense to see the vault fill up with treasure, then Scrooge diving in for a swim? But no, that's not here, nor in the original DuckTales. Why, Capcom? You didn't do this for other games. You had Monty Jack satiating his drug habit in Rescue Rangers, so where's my damn vault? I know it's petty to pester a company about a game made 16 years ago, but I can't help it, OK?



Review Synopsis

  • It's really fun to pogo-kill your enemies and the treasure you find along the way.
  • What an incredibly short game.
  • WHERE'S MY DAMN VAULT!?!?!?



Unforunately, I can't actually post the video directly into this blog post, so I had to resort to linking it. Fans of Sonic 3 & Knuckles will no doubt be interested.

Clockwork Knight

(Remember how I said Duck Tales 2 was the better game of this blog?) Well, here's where you get to find out why. But first, I'm sure you would like to know what the hell a Clockwork Knight is. Back in 1995, the industry was going through some major changes. The big three consoles each tried to prove that they were doing 3D best, so all of them tried it in their own various ways. Sony launched with that rabbit platformer whose name escapes me; Nintendo had Mario; and Sega launched with...well, Panzer Dragoon, a much better game. For those still not ready to make the big 3D leap, there was Clockwork Knight, a simple little platformer.

Tasked with the....task of rescuing the princess, you take the role of a cuckoo clock figurine modelled after a French knight (the French part striking me as a bit odd). But for whatever reason, the clock's in a children's room and the princess is in the attic, and rather than going straight to the attic (which he is capable of from the beginning), he embarks on a circuitous journey through the entire damn house.

Also, for whatever reason, the French knight uses a key as a weapon, as he's a very illogical character. He's the complete antithesis to the gameplay, which is incredibly standard. There's really nothing here in terms of gameplay that other games haven't done before. Platforming is standard, you only get one attack that I can describe as adequate, and each world follows a very strict pattern: two levels and a boss. Copy and paste a few times, throw in a final boss, and you're done with the game.

That's most of what I have to say about the game, honestly. Nothing really stuck out for me, and I can't remember much about it (although waiting a day or two to type up this review probably didn't help). The only points I actually have about the game are either vague or incredibly simplistic. However, they're all I have, so let's list them off, one by one! First, there's the incredible brevity of the situation. It's a challenging game, don't get me wrong; you're going to die quite a bit in this game, but you can still complete the game in the course of a day. As I mentioned, there are only about 12 levels in the entire game, and the time limit on each one is five minutes long. Not counting the final boss and assuming you never lose a life, that's an hour of gameplay. Come on.

And as I've mentioned, this isn't a particularly memorable hour. The only thing I could remember about it was slippery controls and some OK CGI (compared to Panzer Dragoon's simplistic cinemas), but that's not really enough to flesh out this review. Neither are the crappy attract mode or the gambling mini-game. I really don't want to end this review ridiculously early, but I really have no choice in the matter. I'm gonna give it the Why Did This Have a Sequel Award, and apologize for the high concentrations of crap found within this latter half of the blog. Just ignore it, as you will inevitably ignore this blog :P.

Review Synopsis

  • One of the most average games I've ever played.
  • One of the shortest games I've ever played.
  • One of the third bullets I've ever made.
Posted by crunchUK

This is now a happy blog indeed:


Look on the bright side, at least nobody really cares about all those games


Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
" This is now a happy blog indeed:


Look on the bright side, at least nobody really cares about all those games
"
I'd say that there are people who do, but since I don't care about them (and I've been known to care about really obscure games)...
Posted by crunchUK

well then! happy blogz for all!

Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
" well then! happy blogz for all! "
Not for me, since I had to play these games to make it.
Posted by Alex_Murphy

"He lost all his treasure, but he discovers that the greatest treasure of all is friendship."

That seems pretty out of character for Scrooge McDuck.

Posted by crunchUK
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@crunchUK said:
" well then! happy blogz for all! "
Not for me, since I had to play these games to make it. "
and the lesson is halo always wins...
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Alex_Murphy said:
" "He lost all his treasure, but he discovers that the greatest treasure of all is friendship."

That seems pretty out of character for Scrooge McDuck. "
I know, which is why I vomited a rainbow.

@crunchUK said:
"
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@crunchUK said:
" well then! happy blogz for all! "
Not for me, since I had to play these games to make it. "
and the lesson is halo always wins... "
No, not really. Keep in mind that I had to play that game to make a crap blog, as well. It's like eating a burnt meal to produce a messy bathroom.

Posted by crunchUK
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@Alex_Murphy said:
" "He lost all his treasure, but he discovers that the greatest treasure of all is friendship."

That seems pretty out of character for Scrooge McDuck. "
I know, which is why I vomited a rainbow.

@crunchUK said:
"
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@crunchUK said:
" well then! happy blogz for all! "
Not for me, since I had to play these games to make it. "
and the lesson is halo always wins... "
No, not really. Keep in mind that I had to play that game to make a crap blog, as well. It's like eating a burnt meal to produce a messy bathroom. "
true but people actually care about halo...
Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
" true but people actually care about halo... "
True, but there's this weird paradox with my blogs: if I review obscure games, people tell me that I should review more modern/noteworthy games. But when I do that, they bash me for some reason. And no, it has nothing to do with whether or not I find the game to be good, since people somehow managed to bash me for my COD4 blog.
Posted by crunchUK
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@crunchUK said:
" true but people actually care about halo... "
True, but there's this weird paradox with my blogs: if I review obscure games, people tell me that I should review more modern/noteworthy games. But when I do that, they bash me for some reason. And no, it has nothing to do with whether or not I find the game to be good, since people somehow managed to bash me for my COD4 blog. "
People bashing your opinions (no matter how wrong and stupid your oopinions are :P ) is certainly more interesting than nobody caring about what you think...
Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
"
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@crunchUK said:
" true but people actually care about halo... "
True, but there's this weird paradox with my blogs: if I review obscure games, people tell me that I should review more modern/noteworthy games. But when I do that, they bash me for some reason. And no, it has nothing to do with whether or not I find the game to be good, since people somehow managed to bash me for my COD4 blog. "
People bashing your opinions (no matter how wrong and stupid your oopinions are :P ) is certainly more interesting than nobody caring about what you think... "
True. Not the parentheses part, but the rest :P.
Posted by crunchUK
@Video_Game_King: Basically, people need to give a shit otherwise all your words are passing through nothing because nobody cares enough to click. Next time have tittle that says "i'm sorry but *insert widely liked game here* was a real disappointment..."
Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
" @Video_Game_King: Basically, people need to give a shit otherwise all your words are passing through nothing because nobody cares enough to click. Next time have tittle that says "i'm sorry but *insert widely liked game here* was a real disappointment..." "
Hmm, good idea, sort of. Especially since I'm playing a VERY well known game right now...*evil cackle* Oh, wait, you heard all that......Fuck.
Posted by crunchUK
@Video_Game_King said:
"
@crunchUK said:
" @Video_Game_King: Basically, people need to give a shit otherwise all your words are passing through nothing because nobody cares enough to click. Next time have tittle that says "i'm sorry but *insert widely liked game here* was a real disappointment..." "
Hmm, good idea, sort of. Especially since I'm playing a VERY well known game right now...*evil cackle* Oh, wait, you heard all that......Fuck. "
I hope you're not going to say pokemans are a rreal disappointment :|
Posted by Gizmo

I remember back in primary school, they used to make us watch Ducktales every time the weather was too bad to go outside at break-times.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
I hope you're not going to say pokemans are a rreal disappointment :| "
No, those are not a disappointment of any kind. I got some good material out of it all.
Posted by crunchUK
@Gizmo said:
" I remember back in primary school, they used to make us watch Ducktales every time the weather was too bad to go outside at break-times. "
probably rather often then :P
Posted by Video_Game_King
@crunchUK said:
"
@Gizmo said:
" I remember back in primary school, they used to make us watch Ducktales every time the weather was too bad to go outside at break-times. "
probably rather often then :P "
Or so they want you to think. "Holy crap, a cloud just covered the sun, DUCKTALES TIME!!!" "But we want to use the sli-" "Do you have any idea what will happen to your bodies if they're deprived of their vitamin D? You'll become walking husks of human beings, waiting for some poor bastard to put you out of your misery! NOW WATCH YOUR DAMN DUCKTALES!!! :P"

Was that a bit scary?
Posted by darkspirit138
@Video_Game_King: Nah this was good. GB is reviewing more popular games anyway. You do the really random ones.