By Video_Game_King 13 Comments
Doritos Crash Course( Oh god, I am NOT in the blogging mood.) I don't even care that such a statement is ridiculously inaccurate (I probably am in the blogging mood as of posting this blog, my antiblog malaise struck on Thursday, I'm not really in any mood, etc.); that's how much I don't care. I was going to start this off with, "And so I have finished the onslaught of downloadable games!", but I still have a bunch of Humble Indie Bundle games that I haven't even tried. And World of Goo. Wait, what does any of this have to do with Doritos Crash Course?
I should probably explain what the fuck that is. Remember my Harms Way blog, where I somehow managed to write a longer blog for that than I did a game that I'm still reviewing (maybe; again, the delay between writing this and posting this)? Consider this the sequel, especially if this passes the four paragraph model. I doubt that it will, though, because there's not a lot to say about it. It's like Wipeout, but with avatars instead of game characters who look exactly like the player. That said, here's the protagonist, also know as "me":
That's weird. In addition to being a Harms Way sequel, this blog is apparently a sequel to my anime blog. Take note of the PSI-COM uniform that makes my hips look big. I imagine they'd have the same effect in real life, since that's pretty much what I look like, sans the kickass Squall scar (Squarr?). I can hear what you're saying: where's the crown? Go browse through my achievements. See Fable III anywhere in there? That's why. Now picture this dude doing some embarrassing pre-show moves on a quest to conquer the world, I think. That's what the game's about, right? After all, Crash Course forces you to blast through several countries/continents, conquering their greatest challenges. If I'm not ruler of some Earth place after all that shit, then I'm going to make sure that I am.
That's my way of saying that this game is pretty hard. Maybe. It's hard to tell if it really is hard, or if I was just making it harder than it actually is (doing suggestive dances isn't an effective strategy for getting through the levels), but I had a hard time making it through this game. Allow me to explain: each level displays the silver time (why the silver time?) in the top right corner of the screen, as if to say, "Try beating this time, asshole!" Of course, you don't have to beat the silver time to progress through the game, but I never knew that. I'm not sure what you have to get to progress through levels, but I'm sure it requires the exact same process that I went through: you encounter a new area, you fuck it up, and you do that a few more times until you get through the area. Then you realize that there's another area on the other side, meaning your best friends are going to be the "restart area" and "restart entire course" buttons. Sure, your first few deaths are going to be kinda funny, but after failing to get the bounce you need for the billionth time, it just kinda wastes time. I know that I shouldn't really be so hung up on this, but it's not like Super Meat Boy, where the game keeps going after you die; fuck up here, and the game comes to a grinding halt, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
Wait, I just realized something: I never bothered explaining the core gameplay, like, at all. I probably need only one line for it, but I'll spend an entire paragraph telling you that it's all walking right. That's really all there is to the game. I'd complain about how simple it is, but I have several reasons not to do that: it's free, Harms Way sucked harder for the same price, and it's not as simple as I'm making it out to be. There are ropes to climb, ropes to swing on, seesaws, conveyor belts, and a bunch of other things that I don't remember too well. You can also speed up, chicken out if you suck (apparently, New Super Mario Bros. Wii started a trend for games to insult you in your sucky face), slide on flat ground (and up ground, somehow), and a bunch of other things that I didn't think you could physically do. In fact, that's probably what makes Crash Course such a cool game: all the crazy shit you find yourself doing from level to level. It gives the game a weird, yet unique charm that was completely lacking in that other Doritos game you could download for free. Speaking about that blog, Doritos Crash Course has the creative spirit of Braid, but cut in half. That's right, there are only three levels: one to introduce you to the mechanics, another to mess around with those mechanics, and a final one that messes around with you. I'd say that it's short, but it took me longer to beat the game than it should (see last paragraph), so I really can't call it short. I can call it good, though. Where's that leave me? I don't know, but I give this game the Best Doritos Game Award. Yea, fuck Dash of Destruction, even if I haven't played it.
- Wow, it's oddly appropriate that I only give this game three bullets, since there are only three levels.
- But it works so well within those three levels.
- It will also kick your ass so much that it'll feel like twenty seven levels.
I don't know why, but I've been having serious nostalgia attacks, as of late. I thought the point of this entire blog was to fend off any and all nostalgia attacks, but for some reason, it hasn't. It doesn't help that I've been listening to quite a bit of Quest 64 music, or that I'm posting this video. Embedding is disabled by request, so enjoy this picture of a Digimon character:
Darkwing Duck( You know, this probably isn't helping, either.) As always, I am not talking about the music that I cage within parentheses (if such music escaped, all mankind would be at serious risk), but the subject matter: Darkwing Duck. Remember how awesome this cartoon was? Remember how awesome the 90s were? That decade effing rules, and anything that comes out of it rules. Wait, I already beat the NES version of this game, leaving me with the Turbografx-16 version. I think I found a cure for my nostalgia attacks: a shitty game based on a cool cartoon.
For those of you who don't remember the cartoon, welcome to the club. For those that do remember it, I also welcome you to the club. Yes, I remember and don't remember the show at the exact same time. It was basically like TUFF Puppy, but with Batman, right? That in mind, Batdog, our protagonist, finds out that four villains are planning something. What are they planning? We don't know, yet. However, we do know this: this group of villains has stolen a very valuable painting. I don't know why Darkwing Duck doesn't arrest them, based on this. Hell, he even has a photo of them huddled over the painting they stole. I'm pretty sure I know why he has that picture: the villains sent it to him, knowing that Darkwing Duck (who may be Scrooge McDuck, or Donald Duck (was his identity ever revealed?)) is too stupid to prosecute them. Hell, even when you do go to their levels, ignore them running around the levels for the whole fucking thing, and then finally beat them up (apparently, your piece of shit Apple II can pinpoint their location, but not their actions), you just beat them up, forgetting that these are dangerous villains who must be arrested. Then again, the villains are pretty stupid, too; their plans are not undone by the cunning work of the great Darkwing Duck, but by the fact that they didn't fill up their tank before the final boss fight. I am not even making this up.
But if you thought that the story was insulting your intelligence, you greater-than-illiterate dumbass, just wait until somebody describes my description of the gameplay to you! It's kind of a platformer, but it sucks at being a platformer. For example, remember how Captain Novolin made you hold down to kill anything? Somehow, Darkwing Duck manages to fuck this up even more, and not just because he had some respectability before this game; unlike Captain Novolin, you have to be EXTREMELY ACCURATE with your extremely stiff jumps. I should probably mention that this also includes regular, non-attacky jumps. Since this is a platformer, I've already doomed this game to a score of "fucked" out of ten. It only gets worse from here: not only are the sprites for platforms not lined up that well with the actual platforms, but should you only barely make it on the "platform", but Darkwing Duck will issue a "fuck you" by edging himself off the platform. That is not the joke. He doesn't care if you're lucky; he will kill himself to make a point to you. It's almost as if he doesn't want you playing this piece of shit.
Speaking of shit: guns! What, you've never heard of a shit gun? Don't look it up; I didn't. However, none of the guns in the game are guns that shoot shit; instead, these guns are shit. Theoretically, each one is supposed to do something different to the enemies, but I've never seen any of them actually kill an enemy. At best, they'll just glitch any threats for a few seconds while you scour the level for puzzle pieces. I probably should have explained this long before, but the goal of the game is to collect puzzle pieces, like in Braid. However, Darkwing Duck lacks a lot of what made Braid good, like the graphics, the atmosphere, the puzzles, the gameplay mechanics, the story, and everything else. For example, remember the cool puzzles you had to solve in Braid? They're not in Darkwing Duck. Instead, you just scour the levels for puzzle pieces, jumping down potentially lethal holes and backtracking all over the place. Why? You can't exit a level if you've already been there, so if you only have one puzzle piece left, and you figure out where it is....you still have to walk through the entire level, like the dumbass you are. I'd go on about how the game sucks, like the shit graphics, the lack of gliding (what were the lyrics? "I'm the terror that flaps in the night?"), or that Chickenheadish thing above, but just remembering this game is bringing back the anti-blog malaise that struck me earlier in this blog. Let's just end this right now: Get the NES Version Award.
- Why do superheroes collect and assemble puzzles?
- Huh? They suck at combat?
- And jumping? Fuck you, TurboGrafx-16 version of Darkwing Duck.