Nothing but S&M in this blog. Also, insane Christmas videos.



Samurai Shodown

( Wait, can somebody remind me why I'm playing this?) It has a score, right? I don't have much reason to revisit this. Wait, that score's for the Neo Geo version, the one I actually like. Turns out there were more, which is a weird thing for me to say, given that my first experiences with the game were with the Genesis version, the one I actually don't like. The SNES version is pretty much that, only slightly better.
 
But still not that good. Hell, the game lost two points when I saw Takara's demon moniker pop onto the screen, and it'd be very hard to rebound from that. Then the story butts in and makes it hard for it to rebound at all. As I said in my wiki edit that failed to net me that quest, it mostly concerns mush-mouth Amakusa being a complete badass, carrying an orb and slashing buildings with it, somehow (orbs aren't that sharp; how do you slash buildings with them?). All the playable characters have some reason to stop him, so typical fighting game fare, right? But remember, this is a Takara game, meaning they'll find a way to fuck it up: the translation. I realize it's unfair to blame them for something wrong with the original game, but Takara must pay for something, and it might as well be the translation. Just look at some of this shit: spears become whatever the hell they want to be, Amakusa becomes Amadeus, and Amakusa speaks Japanese, which somehow doesn't make sense, even though it should. They make the logical illogical, the bastards.
 
I forget what joke this was supposed to be. Something about Nazis.
Oh, and they also manage to suck all the good parts out of the game. Remember how the stages zoomed in and out whenever you moved away from your opponent? Gone. I realize that it's the SNES, and that it would've been kinda hard to do that, but it's still disappointing, especially when the SNES version gets the worst graphics of the bunch, and I'm not just saying that because they removed the blood. Hell, the blood was a minor part of the game; the graphics were what made it, and they're fucked to hell. Just look at the Genesis version, and compare it to the inconsistent art styles of the SNES version. The hell, Takara? Also, while I'm complaining, notice anything weird about the bear in Nakoruru's stage? No, not that he's animated; that's actually one of the good things about the game. The backgrounds oddly remained alive in this version, so at least it has that going for it. Hell, they even kept the random butthole who throws stuff into the arena every now and then. Granted, he doesn't show up as often as I remember, and he rarely tosses anything of use, but still, the knowledge that he's there makes me hopeful for the future.
 
And by the future, I mean the gameplay, which I've oddly neglected up until now. There's a reason: there's not much separating this from other fighters. You battle one dude, do quarter circles and shoryukens for special moves (or if you're me, hopelessly flail about and hope that converts into shoryukens and the like), and then do it again several more times in some type of tournament. It's at least competent, moves doing what they should and battles having a very nice flow to them, at times. So what exactly separates this game from others? When you get down to it, not much. I can already hear you yelling about weapons, and since I'm guessing (hoping) that you're referring to the weapons in this game, let's start there: they're just extended punches. You can't switch out weapons, and they don't have any special effects; they're just punches you can sometimes lose. But I guess it was such an innovative and creative system that SNK decided to give each character, like, two special moves apiece. But wait, there's less! Turns out a lot of the characters overlap in their moves. Hell, look at that wiki from before and watch as I try my best to rephrase "spiky spinny blade ball" several different ways. And while we're on the subject of less, sometimes, the moves just won't connect, for no reason. I'm starting to think that this didn't deserve the 9.0 I gave it so long ago. Wait, this is the SNES version. Fuck it, I'll give it the Adventure Island Award for Pretty Much Dropping off the Face of the Earth Recently. Sad, too, since it seems like a perfect fit for a Soul Calibur vs. thing.
 

Review Synopsis

  • All the awesome graphical and musical stuff isn't here. Look for it in other places.
  • Wow, for such a competent fighter, it sure removed a lot.
  • Also, they probably should've spent more time on the game. You know, to balance it a bit more, and to clean up the hit detection.
 
 
 
 
What the fuck, Japan? Actually, I watched a translated version and it's essentially a giant troll against Christmas with the following line: As the old proverb goes, "A holy night is a sexy night." Damn straight, it is.
  
  

Marble Madness

( That's right, it's mostly nothing but revisitings from now on.) After all, I'm in the 20s, so why not use this opportunity to reminisce upon games that I beat long before Kane & Lynch started sucking on the scene? And why not reminisce about Marble Madness, a not very obscure game for a change? Wait, I forgot that most gamers focus on whatever the hell came out in the past six weeks, meaning they won't remember a game that's older than them. Sucks when even mainstream games become obscure.
 
I see the marbles, but where's the madness?
Also sucks that I can't start with the story, since there isn't one. You're a ball, and that's about it. Simple, right? Then why do I have so many questions? And by so many, I mean one: why is there a fairy godmother in this game? I've never seen an explanation for it. Whenever you dip below ten seconds of time left, you stop and let a fairy wand give you fifteen seconds. Then the wand disappears, never to be explained. I'm guessing that it's because they thought that since every other aspect of the game was self explanatory, so was the random wand of time increasing. The goal of each level is to roll down to the goal at the bottom of the screen, except for that one level. Pretty simple, and it works predictably well. The controls are oddly precise for an isometric game like this, especially when you remember that many versions had a trackball. No bitching about the bad controls for you, slight stickiness notwithstanding.
 
Instead, bitch about the physics, which is how you'll die half the time. Slopes will have their way with you throughout the entire game, usually plunging you to your untimely death. Sometimes, the game will ask you to go up a slope, which requires going up a bit, backing up, and then falling to your untimely death. And then you'll come back to life at the nearest checkpoint, because dying does nothing in this game. Kinda weird, especially when you watch that prepubescent boy from before use it to cheat through the level, but it's not much of an issue. After all, your main concern is getting through the level in time, for two reasons: leftover time goes with you to the next level, and running out of time ends the game. That's right, there are no continues or anything of the sort; run out of time, and the game decides you're just too crap to play more of it. Look, Marble Madness, I realize that you started as an arcade game, but you couldn't have a continue screen asking for more coins? Just an unavoidable Game Over? Damn it! You're full of cool stuff, like a co-op mode I've never seen but is obviously there, but you're pulling crap like this? Grow up, Marble Madness. Until you do, I'm giving you that video as an award. Yes, That One Level Award. Don't like it? Then beat that kid to puberty.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Lot of creative and fun crap to be had in the game.
  • Too bad you only get one chance to see it all, and the game doesn't want you seeing it.
  • Can somebody please merge Marble Madness and 300 into the wackiest meme ever?
6 Comments
7 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King


Samurai Shodown

( Wait, can somebody remind me why I'm playing this?) It has a score, right? I don't have much reason to revisit this. Wait, that score's for the Neo Geo version, the one I actually like. Turns out there were more, which is a weird thing for me to say, given that my first experiences with the game were with the Genesis version, the one I actually don't like. The SNES version is pretty much that, only slightly better.
 
But still not that good. Hell, the game lost two points when I saw Takara's demon moniker pop onto the screen, and it'd be very hard to rebound from that. Then the story butts in and makes it hard for it to rebound at all. As I said in my wiki edit that failed to net me that quest, it mostly concerns mush-mouth Amakusa being a complete badass, carrying an orb and slashing buildings with it, somehow (orbs aren't that sharp; how do you slash buildings with them?). All the playable characters have some reason to stop him, so typical fighting game fare, right? But remember, this is a Takara game, meaning they'll find a way to fuck it up: the translation. I realize it's unfair to blame them for something wrong with the original game, but Takara must pay for something, and it might as well be the translation. Just look at some of this shit: spears become whatever the hell they want to be, Amakusa becomes Amadeus, and Amakusa speaks Japanese, which somehow doesn't make sense, even though it should. They make the logical illogical, the bastards.
 
I forget what joke this was supposed to be. Something about Nazis.
Oh, and they also manage to suck all the good parts out of the game. Remember how the stages zoomed in and out whenever you moved away from your opponent? Gone. I realize that it's the SNES, and that it would've been kinda hard to do that, but it's still disappointing, especially when the SNES version gets the worst graphics of the bunch, and I'm not just saying that because they removed the blood. Hell, the blood was a minor part of the game; the graphics were what made it, and they're fucked to hell. Just look at the Genesis version, and compare it to the inconsistent art styles of the SNES version. The hell, Takara? Also, while I'm complaining, notice anything weird about the bear in Nakoruru's stage? No, not that he's animated; that's actually one of the good things about the game. The backgrounds oddly remained alive in this version, so at least it has that going for it. Hell, they even kept the random butthole who throws stuff into the arena every now and then. Granted, he doesn't show up as often as I remember, and he rarely tosses anything of use, but still, the knowledge that he's there makes me hopeful for the future.
 
And by the future, I mean the gameplay, which I've oddly neglected up until now. There's a reason: there's not much separating this from other fighters. You battle one dude, do quarter circles and shoryukens for special moves (or if you're me, hopelessly flail about and hope that converts into shoryukens and the like), and then do it again several more times in some type of tournament. It's at least competent, moves doing what they should and battles having a very nice flow to them, at times. So what exactly separates this game from others? When you get down to it, not much. I can already hear you yelling about weapons, and since I'm guessing (hoping) that you're referring to the weapons in this game, let's start there: they're just extended punches. You can't switch out weapons, and they don't have any special effects; they're just punches you can sometimes lose. But I guess it was such an innovative and creative system that SNK decided to give each character, like, two special moves apiece. But wait, there's less! Turns out a lot of the characters overlap in their moves. Hell, look at that wiki from before and watch as I try my best to rephrase "spiky spinny blade ball" several different ways. And while we're on the subject of less, sometimes, the moves just won't connect, for no reason. I'm starting to think that this didn't deserve the 9.0 I gave it so long ago. Wait, this is the SNES version. Fuck it, I'll give it the Adventure Island Award for Pretty Much Dropping off the Face of the Earth Recently. Sad, too, since it seems like a perfect fit for a Soul Calibur vs. thing.
 

Review Synopsis

  • All the awesome graphical and musical stuff isn't here. Look for it in other places.
  • Wow, for such a competent fighter, it sure removed a lot.
  • Also, they probably should've spent more time on the game. You know, to balance it a bit more, and to clean up the hit detection.
 
 
 
 
What the fuck, Japan? Actually, I watched a translated version and it's essentially a giant troll against Christmas with the following line: As the old proverb goes, "A holy night is a sexy night." Damn straight, it is.
  
  

Marble Madness

( That's right, it's mostly nothing but revisitings from now on.) After all, I'm in the 20s, so why not use this opportunity to reminisce upon games that I beat long before Kane & Lynch started sucking on the scene? And why not reminisce about Marble Madness, a not very obscure game for a change? Wait, I forgot that most gamers focus on whatever the hell came out in the past six weeks, meaning they won't remember a game that's older than them. Sucks when even mainstream games become obscure.
 
I see the marbles, but where's the madness?
Also sucks that I can't start with the story, since there isn't one. You're a ball, and that's about it. Simple, right? Then why do I have so many questions? And by so many, I mean one: why is there a fairy godmother in this game? I've never seen an explanation for it. Whenever you dip below ten seconds of time left, you stop and let a fairy wand give you fifteen seconds. Then the wand disappears, never to be explained. I'm guessing that it's because they thought that since every other aspect of the game was self explanatory, so was the random wand of time increasing. The goal of each level is to roll down to the goal at the bottom of the screen, except for that one level. Pretty simple, and it works predictably well. The controls are oddly precise for an isometric game like this, especially when you remember that many versions had a trackball. No bitching about the bad controls for you, slight stickiness notwithstanding.
 
Instead, bitch about the physics, which is how you'll die half the time. Slopes will have their way with you throughout the entire game, usually plunging you to your untimely death. Sometimes, the game will ask you to go up a slope, which requires going up a bit, backing up, and then falling to your untimely death. And then you'll come back to life at the nearest checkpoint, because dying does nothing in this game. Kinda weird, especially when you watch that prepubescent boy from before use it to cheat through the level, but it's not much of an issue. After all, your main concern is getting through the level in time, for two reasons: leftover time goes with you to the next level, and running out of time ends the game. That's right, there are no continues or anything of the sort; run out of time, and the game decides you're just too crap to play more of it. Look, Marble Madness, I realize that you started as an arcade game, but you couldn't have a continue screen asking for more coins? Just an unavoidable Game Over? Damn it! You're full of cool stuff, like a co-op mode I've never seen but is obviously there, but you're pulling crap like this? Grow up, Marble Madness. Until you do, I'm giving you that video as an award. Yes, That One Level Award. Don't like it? Then beat that kid to puberty.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Lot of creative and fun crap to be had in the game.
  • Too bad you only get one chance to see it all, and the game doesn't want you seeing it.
  • Can somebody please merge Marble Madness and 300 into the wackiest meme ever?
Posted by mylifeforAiur

You had me at S&M and lost me at Christmas. My family is pretty small and definitely not close-knit, so the family aspect of Christmas has never been appealing. Love getting free shit though >.>

Posted by Dalai

Finally a game I actually played... and owned. 
 
I do love me some Marble Madness. Actually, I wanna put a ball gag on Marble Madness and make it my bitch. That's a different kind of love.

Posted by luce

I was promised S&M 
 
What is this shit

Posted by Video_Game_King
@luce: 
 
Samurai Shodown and Marble Madness; I don't disappoint.
 
@Dalai:
 
Why not make Marble Madness the ball gag?
 
@mylifeforAiur:
 
Why not introduce a bit of S&M to your Christmas?
Posted by MattyFTM

I was expecting this blog to be about Sam & Max. I am disappoint.

Moderator
Posted by Dalai
@Video_Game_King: A Marble Madness ball gag? Now you're thinking outside the box.