Portal and Mortal Kombat, all in one blog.


Portal

( Let me say right now that I fucking hate Portal.) Don't get me wrong; it's an awesome game, but I still hate it for one very important reason: the cake is a lie. How the hell has this meme managed to permeate almost every part of life? I can't watch TV or play video games without seeing this reference that even the people who originally wrote it hate. So what am I gonna do? Instead of writing a normal blog, I'm going to stuff this with as many dumbass memes as possible, just to show you how annoying it is. For what is a meme? A miserable little pile of bullshit! But enough talk. Have at you!

Of course, we all know how the game begins: GLaDOS, a supercomputer whose humor factor is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND, wakes you up with the phrase "slee-PING AS usual, I see." (I'd use Still Alive, because that's at the start the game, but I'm not sure it's a meme.) That's right, let me get it out of the way now: unlike this blog, Portal is hilarious. I was going to say that whoever wrote this should be put in charge of memes so that they'd be funny, for a change, but then I remembered the point of this blog. But still, it's amazing how funny this game is. The humor's never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. It's never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie a-....That reminds me: that fucking meme. Valve, I am disappoint. They had to know that this was going to take off, because the cake joke stops when the Nyan Cat does. Maybe it's just that I'm focusing more on them since everybody knows about the cake being a lie, but it can't be that alone; one of the survivors writes this on the wall before the game ever mentions cake...and continues to do so throughout the entire game (apparently, he died right before GLaDOS' chamber, that being the point where she just got tired of him asking "I can haz cake?"). Not sure why they pimped out the cake joke over all the other ones ( this in particular) that made me say yes twice while a camera zoomed in on my face and trumpets blared in the background.

 I'm a wizard, and that looks fucked up. Maybe. That gaze has left me blind.
Of course, it's easy to see why they pimped out the portal mechanic: it's better than 775 naked cartoon pussies. Like rule 34, it's simple but gets amazing results: you shoot portal in one spot, another in another, and use them as doors to solve puzzles. It's used in many creative ways, like launching cubes onto switches or balls into switches (that description does not at all do it justice), but that's not what you want; you want to dick around with physics in all sorts of crazy ways. Fortunately, while it may take a while to get there, this game has mastered physics much in the same way that the Punchmaster has mastered his punch mastery. Of course, there are some problems with this, corrections being the main one. Because you can't land on your head, you'll be barrel-rolling all over the place if your portals aren't pretty much of the same alignment. Most of the time, it's just an amusing distraction, but when you're actually trying to solve puzzles that rely on control and physics, it becomes pretty annoying. You know, like this. But that's the type of frustration you see as often as a demotivational poster; more often that not, you'll get the brain destroying frustration you often find in captioned pictures. It's the type of frustration where when you finally figure it out, you feel like a bad enough dude to rescue the president.

Although that could probably be because of how short the game is. If Portal was a cat of some type, it would be the Shortcat to Longcat's Longcat. I was able to finish it in five hours in one day. I've spent more time waiting for pizza, on occasion. Now I know what you're saying: you're a-firin' your lazzor. Keep in mind that my anti-lazzor shield makes me epic for the win. We done? OK. You were going to say that it doesn't matter that it's short, since Portal, like Braid, is one of the most complete games of recent memory. Not really, since it's a super easy game. I just blasted through each puzzle, never having to resort to FAQs to answer questions like "how is babby formed." The few times where I was challenged were the times where it was more in the execution than in actually figuring out how to set up us the bomb for great justice. The only time where I had no clue what to do was near the end of the game, when I dared to bring light into GLaDOS' lair and she demanded that I must die. I knew what I had to do: attack her weak point for massive damage, like she's a giant enemy crab. The problem entered when I couldn't attack one of her weak points for massive damage, because it was in the air for no reason. At first, I thought I could just grab it in mid air like I was Chuck Norris, but then I realized that only one person can be as awesome as Chuck Norris: Vin Diesel's ass. I spent the next few minutes fucking around until I finally got the last piece out. I'm still not sure how it was supposed to work. That last orb is like magnets, man. How does it work? But despite the ridiculous ease and shortness of Portal, I can assure you that the cake is not a lie!...... FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

Review Synopsis

  • This shit is funnier than...you know what? Just insert any meme here. Most of them aren't that funny to begin with.
  • So I herd u liek portalz. Well then, I have just the game for you.
  • The whole experience goes by faster than a card game on motorcycles.




Let's see if I can turn this into a meme: Elmer Fudd wants to fuck sandwiches.
  
  

Mortal Kombat 3

( PORTAL KOMBAAAAT!!!!) Wait, I'm not doing the meme gimmick anymore. Anyway, Mortal Kombat 3. You know what I love about it? No, not those things; I'll get to those in time. I'm talking about effing schizophrenic the fanbase for this series is. Did the series start to suck around Mortal Kombat 4? Was it Deception? Or Armageddon? Or Mortal Kombat 3, as I've heard several people say? Actually, it's that last one... kinda. Wait, that was Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. Maybe that was where the series started sucking?...I have no fucking clue. All I know is that this game is pretty awesome.

Wait, I think I figured out why this game divides its fanbase worse than Final Fantasy XIII: they removed Scorpion. I'd put it in caps, but I don't think that would do the message justice. This does, though. How can you have a Mortal Kombat game without Scorpion in it? That piece of crap Sub Zero spin-off had him, but this major game in the series doesn't? That would be like having a Mario game without Luigi. I know what I said. So who could possibly replace such a major character in the series? Pretty much a bunch of characters beginning with either K or S, including a cheap cop, a couple of robots, some cheap centaur thing, and two characters we haven't seen since the first game. Also, Goro totally has tits. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Now I can see why they got rid of Scorpion: to make way for some pretty cool shit. With Scorpion out of the way, they can focus on things like a completely new personality...kinda. I'd say that the game is cartoony, but you're juts going to tell me that the previous game was, too. I counter with "robots turning you into Tasmanian devils, mercy equating to feeding a spirit animal from another dimension, and whatever the Nightwolf is are far more cartoony than anything Mortal Kombat II ever tried to pull." Of course, I win because I am the King.

Look at him. You know that they gave up when they were making this asshat.
What's that? You're confused about that spirit animal from another dimension part? Well, remember how Mortal Kombat II introduced friendships and babalities? The third game's contribution seems to be Bestialities (I know it's animalities, but I just want to piss off the fan base as much as possible), wherein you turn into a spirit animal and kill the hell out of them. Or so I've heard. Turns out that Bestialities are really hard to perform in Mortal Kombat 3. It wasn't that I couldn't do the button combinations, as was the case for about half the regular Fatalities, but that they would never register. That's really the best way to show off new gameplay features: by making them impossible to use. I guess by that logic, then, I can see why people hate this game: the combo system. It's just so easy to use and improves the flow of the game so damn much. Don't you fucking hate that? What? No? You're totally right: it's an awesome system. I'd explain why, but I don't think the people reading this are afflicted with some super mutant Alzheimer's. That in mind, I'll just say that the combo system requires some actual type of skill to use. Go ahead, try to button mash your way into a combo. You may get a few hits in, and they may even count as a combo, but to see why this is pretty much Midway's answer to Killer Instinct, you'll need to learn specific button orders and timings and other things I never really paid attention to. Wait, then how did I get through the game?

Uppercuts. Nothing but uppercuts. Uppercut somebody, and they are screwed. Granted, it requires just as much timing and running as the combos, but there's one key difference: they can't fight back. Apparently, the self preservation part of the brain is found in the chin. Just run up to them and perform an uppercut, and...wait, you don't even need to uppercut. Turns out Nightwolf has an ability that's like an uppercut, but doesn't require you to sniff the other person's balls. So yea, just use that. You might have trouble with the two final bosses (especially the centaur with some type of reflecting exoskeleton), but they're still not immune to the uppercut. Hell, that's the only way to beat Motaro. The only things you miss by shaving people with your fists are some alternate maps, but since this isn't Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I'd like to see somebody explain why I shouldn't just uppercut my way through the game. Wait, I remembered something: single player in fighting games kinda sucks. It's usually just "fight these dudes, and then this ultra dude", and Mortal Kombat 3 is no different. The only major deviation is that you get to choose how many dudes you get to fight, but I feel as though I'm straying from the point I originally intended to make: play this game with friends. If you do, it will be awesome. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to warn a group of seniors about the danger of lighting yourself on fire. Then I'll reveal to farmers the fact that seeds grow into plants, but only if I have time for it after I've told everybody how awesome Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is.

Review Synopsis

  • I'd say that it has the best look and feel in the series, but I've only played three games so far.
  • Imagine if Killer Instinct had blood. Or just imagine Killer Instinct, because it has blood.
  • Who knew that uppercuts and grenades were so powerful?
28 Comments
29 Comments
Edited by Video_Game_King

Portal

( Let me say right now that I fucking hate Portal.) Don't get me wrong; it's an awesome game, but I still hate it for one very important reason: the cake is a lie. How the hell has this meme managed to permeate almost every part of life? I can't watch TV or play video games without seeing this reference that even the people who originally wrote it hate. So what am I gonna do? Instead of writing a normal blog, I'm going to stuff this with as many dumbass memes as possible, just to show you how annoying it is. For what is a meme? A miserable little pile of bullshit! But enough talk. Have at you!

Of course, we all know how the game begins: GLaDOS, a supercomputer whose humor factor is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND, wakes you up with the phrase "slee-PING AS usual, I see." (I'd use Still Alive, because that's at the start the game, but I'm not sure it's a meme.) That's right, let me get it out of the way now: unlike this blog, Portal is hilarious. I was going to say that whoever wrote this should be put in charge of memes so that they'd be funny, for a change, but then I remembered the point of this blog. But still, it's amazing how funny this game is. The humor's never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. It's never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie a-....That reminds me: that fucking meme. Valve, I am disappoint. They had to know that this was going to take off, because the cake joke stops when the Nyan Cat does. Maybe it's just that I'm focusing more on them since everybody knows about the cake being a lie, but it can't be that alone; one of the survivors writes this on the wall before the game ever mentions cake...and continues to do so throughout the entire game (apparently, he died right before GLaDOS' chamber, that being the point where she just got tired of him asking "I can haz cake?"). Not sure why they pimped out the cake joke over all the other ones ( this in particular) that made me say yes twice while a camera zoomed in on my face and trumpets blared in the background.

 I'm a wizard, and that looks fucked up. Maybe. That gaze has left me blind.
Of course, it's easy to see why they pimped out the portal mechanic: it's better than 775 naked cartoon pussies. Like rule 34, it's simple but gets amazing results: you shoot portal in one spot, another in another, and use them as doors to solve puzzles. It's used in many creative ways, like launching cubes onto switches or balls into switches (that description does not at all do it justice), but that's not what you want; you want to dick around with physics in all sorts of crazy ways. Fortunately, while it may take a while to get there, this game has mastered physics much in the same way that the Punchmaster has mastered his punch mastery. Of course, there are some problems with this, corrections being the main one. Because you can't land on your head, you'll be barrel-rolling all over the place if your portals aren't pretty much of the same alignment. Most of the time, it's just an amusing distraction, but when you're actually trying to solve puzzles that rely on control and physics, it becomes pretty annoying. You know, like this. But that's the type of frustration you see as often as a demotivational poster; more often that not, you'll get the brain destroying frustration you often find in captioned pictures. It's the type of frustration where when you finally figure it out, you feel like a bad enough dude to rescue the president.

Although that could probably be because of how short the game is. If Portal was a cat of some type, it would be the Shortcat to Longcat's Longcat. I was able to finish it in five hours in one day. I've spent more time waiting for pizza, on occasion. Now I know what you're saying: you're a-firin' your lazzor. Keep in mind that my anti-lazzor shield makes me epic for the win. We done? OK. You were going to say that it doesn't matter that it's short, since Portal, like Braid, is one of the most complete games of recent memory. Not really, since it's a super easy game. I just blasted through each puzzle, never having to resort to FAQs to answer questions like "how is babby formed." The few times where I was challenged were the times where it was more in the execution than in actually figuring out how to set up us the bomb for great justice. The only time where I had no clue what to do was near the end of the game, when I dared to bring light into GLaDOS' lair and she demanded that I must die. I knew what I had to do: attack her weak point for massive damage, like she's a giant enemy crab. The problem entered when I couldn't attack one of her weak points for massive damage, because it was in the air for no reason. At first, I thought I could just grab it in mid air like I was Chuck Norris, but then I realized that only one person can be as awesome as Chuck Norris: Vin Diesel's ass. I spent the next few minutes fucking around until I finally got the last piece out. I'm still not sure how it was supposed to work. That last orb is like magnets, man. How does it work? But despite the ridiculous ease and shortness of Portal, I can assure you that the cake is not a lie!...... FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

Review Synopsis

  • This shit is funnier than...you know what? Just insert any meme here. Most of them aren't that funny to begin with.
  • So I herd u liek portalz. Well then, I have just the game for you.
  • The whole experience goes by faster than a card game on motorcycles.




Let's see if I can turn this into a meme: Elmer Fudd wants to fuck sandwiches.
  
  

Mortal Kombat 3

( PORTAL KOMBAAAAT!!!!) Wait, I'm not doing the meme gimmick anymore. Anyway, Mortal Kombat 3. You know what I love about it? No, not those things; I'll get to those in time. I'm talking about effing schizophrenic the fanbase for this series is. Did the series start to suck around Mortal Kombat 4? Was it Deception? Or Armageddon? Or Mortal Kombat 3, as I've heard several people say? Actually, it's that last one... kinda. Wait, that was Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. Maybe that was where the series started sucking?...I have no fucking clue. All I know is that this game is pretty awesome.

Wait, I think I figured out why this game divides its fanbase worse than Final Fantasy XIII: they removed Scorpion. I'd put it in caps, but I don't think that would do the message justice. This does, though. How can you have a Mortal Kombat game without Scorpion in it? That piece of crap Sub Zero spin-off had him, but this major game in the series doesn't? That would be like having a Mario game without Luigi. I know what I said. So who could possibly replace such a major character in the series? Pretty much a bunch of characters beginning with either K or S, including a cheap cop, a couple of robots, some cheap centaur thing, and two characters we haven't seen since the first game. Also, Goro totally has tits. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Now I can see why they got rid of Scorpion: to make way for some pretty cool shit. With Scorpion out of the way, they can focus on things like a completely new personality...kinda. I'd say that the game is cartoony, but you're juts going to tell me that the previous game was, too. I counter with "robots turning you into Tasmanian devils, mercy equating to feeding a spirit animal from another dimension, and whatever the Nightwolf is are far more cartoony than anything Mortal Kombat II ever tried to pull." Of course, I win because I am the King.

Look at him. You know that they gave up when they were making this asshat.
What's that? You're confused about that spirit animal from another dimension part? Well, remember how Mortal Kombat II introduced friendships and babalities? The third game's contribution seems to be Bestialities (I know it's animalities, but I just want to piss off the fan base as much as possible), wherein you turn into a spirit animal and kill the hell out of them. Or so I've heard. Turns out that Bestialities are really hard to perform in Mortal Kombat 3. It wasn't that I couldn't do the button combinations, as was the case for about half the regular Fatalities, but that they would never register. That's really the best way to show off new gameplay features: by making them impossible to use. I guess by that logic, then, I can see why people hate this game: the combo system. It's just so easy to use and improves the flow of the game so damn much. Don't you fucking hate that? What? No? You're totally right: it's an awesome system. I'd explain why, but I don't think the people reading this are afflicted with some super mutant Alzheimer's. That in mind, I'll just say that the combo system requires some actual type of skill to use. Go ahead, try to button mash your way into a combo. You may get a few hits in, and they may even count as a combo, but to see why this is pretty much Midway's answer to Killer Instinct, you'll need to learn specific button orders and timings and other things I never really paid attention to. Wait, then how did I get through the game?

Uppercuts. Nothing but uppercuts. Uppercut somebody, and they are screwed. Granted, it requires just as much timing and running as the combos, but there's one key difference: they can't fight back. Apparently, the self preservation part of the brain is found in the chin. Just run up to them and perform an uppercut, and...wait, you don't even need to uppercut. Turns out Nightwolf has an ability that's like an uppercut, but doesn't require you to sniff the other person's balls. So yea, just use that. You might have trouble with the two final bosses (especially the centaur with some type of reflecting exoskeleton), but they're still not immune to the uppercut. Hell, that's the only way to beat Motaro. The only things you miss by shaving people with your fists are some alternate maps, but since this isn't Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I'd like to see somebody explain why I shouldn't just uppercut my way through the game. Wait, I remembered something: single player in fighting games kinda sucks. It's usually just "fight these dudes, and then this ultra dude", and Mortal Kombat 3 is no different. The only major deviation is that you get to choose how many dudes you get to fight, but I feel as though I'm straying from the point I originally intended to make: play this game with friends. If you do, it will be awesome. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to warn a group of seniors about the danger of lighting yourself on fire. Then I'll reveal to farmers the fact that seeds grow into plants, but only if I have time for it after I've told everybody how awesome Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is.

Review Synopsis

  • I'd say that it has the best look and feel in the series, but I've only played three games so far.
  • Imagine if Killer Instinct had blood. Or just imagine Killer Instinct, because it has blood.
  • Who knew that uppercuts and grenades were so powerful?
Edited by Underachiever007

These are not the Mortal Kombat and Portal games I came in here expecting. In all honesty, I feel foolish for expecting anything else.

Posted by WoodenPlatypus


I have to agree with you on your first point, not as far to hate the game all together.

I am sick of seeing the cake is a lie everywhere.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Underachiever007:

What else could you possibly expect?

@WoodenPlatypus: 

Same here, for reasons I've already explained.
Edited by Underachiever007

There, I edited it. I don't know what to do with this post now, so here is a placeholder puppy:



Look at that thing. 




Posted by Video_Game_King
@Underachiever007:

That was the joke. Do not explain the joke.
Posted by Soap

I'll be honest, I haven't seen any cake jokes or references for what feels like... 2 years now? I think your safe to like Portal again. 

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Soap:

That TV joke is from this year, and the link immediately after it is from late last year. The cake still has to die.
Posted by Mento

I dropped off the Mortal Kombat ladder after Ultimate MK3. I still think it's the best one (besides the new one) for having all those options and for not being an ugly 3D mess starring a bald magical tattooed asshole. Mortal Kombat isn't the most complex and varied of fighters, and a bit more of a party game for regular dudes to have fun with than most games in that genre (if the Scrub League Invitational was any indication), so I figure it thrives on the Smash Bros philosophy of "more characters, more modes, more dumb secrets, more everything!".

Portal's great. I'm glad you were able to look past the meme thing entirely (I'm using irony and I don't know why) to give it a fair and objective review. There's almost nothing in the newer one that's as memefiable, you'll be glad to hear, so maybe you won't be completely sick of it before you even get to play it.

Moderator
Posted by HellBrendy
I didn't make this one. 
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Mento:

That's odd. While I've always known of all the weird shit that Mortal Kombat has pulled off (how do you combine it with chess?), I always classified it as a traditional fighter, of sorts. I'm guessing that at this point, you absolutely need quarter circle forwards to be a traditional fighter?

Yea, I'm not sure why you're using some type of ironic tone. The game's awesome, but that fucking meme. UUUGGGGGHHHHH. I'd try out Portal 2 due to your anti-warning of it, but I'm still wary of "say apple" and "appreciate the art."
Posted by Video_Game_King
@HellBrendy:

And yet you still have blood on your hands for such a lame pun.
Posted by Claude

You can't expect to have one's cake and eat it too.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Claude:

Why? Will cosmic baby guardians steal it from me? That's right: I'm avoiding the obvious Portal joke baiting.
Posted by Claude

Your blog is like a spiderweb. We're drawn to it like a moth to a flame. But once caught in your web of words, you come off your perch and numb us. You feel a little prick, but very little pain. You then weave your silk yarn around the living but lifeless bodies. Always we escape, only to be trapped again.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Claude:

So my blog is a flaming spider web? Is this an attack in Pokémon? If not, why?
Posted by Claude
Posted by bonbolapti

I guess people are never going to grow tired of combining Portal and Mortal Kombat into the same conversation. :D

Posted by Video_Game_King
@bonbolapti:

I only did it to get people to read this. Everything about this has been manufactured to get as many readers as possible. Except for the Elmer Fudd thing; I'm just pissed that somebody decided to transform him from stoner to pervert.
Posted by Bloodgraiv3
@Underachiever007 said:
"These are not the Mortal Kombat and Portal games I came in here expecting. In all honesty, I feel foolish for expecting anything else. "


Gotta go with this also.


 

Posted by iam3green

i liked portal combat. that is pretty cool. i actually think it would be a fun game. jump into things do an attack and then run.

Posted by Guided_By_Tigers
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Unknown_Pleasures:

This time, there was a reason for them: to show how annoying memes are. I hate that the cake is a goddamn lie.
Posted by Guided_By_Tigers
@Video_Game_King: Your just getting mad about this now? It got really old really fast and I never thought the theme song was anything special as well....I hate portal as well so your not alone.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Unknown_Pleasures:

You should actually be asking, "you're just playing it now?" I've hated that meme for a long time, but it wouldn't be very relevant if I took a break from my Lufia: Curse of the Sinistrals blog to say, "Anybody else tired of that stupid meme?". As for the game, I think the point I was trying to get through is that it's a good game. It's not some super divine game you can't mock (I've never seen anybody point out the major flaws the game has, like the general lack of difficulty), but it's still pretty good. Also, Still Alive is decent.
Posted by Dalai

This blog is a tragic mess of overused memes and probably the worst Merrie Melodies and/or Looney Tunes cartoon in its 80+ year history. Keyboard Cat, please play us off.

  
  
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Dalai:

  

Also, while the new Looney Tunes Show doesn't suck as hard as that video does (it's pretty much Tiny Toon Adventures without the balls to be it), that video sucks as hard as it does.
Posted by ArbitraryWater

Your overuse of memes has made me want to claw out both my eyes. Except then I couldn't see, so I didn't. Thanks for that. Portal is pretty great, even if "THE CAKE IS A LIE" is now something that makes me cringe every time it is mentioned. That MAD clip was especially heinous (That show can only be described as being the worst of Robot Chicken, but for tweens).

It's short as all hell, but it's still probably my favorite Valve game, as Left 4 Dead eventually gets old, even with human companions, and Half Life 2 (while still a well made game) has some pacing issues as well as some of the more frustrating jumping puzzles since First Person Shooters wisely stopped having jumping puzzles.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater:

I'd say "mission accomplished", but I'm wary of quoting anything from Star Fox 64, since just about anything from that game can become a meme. Again, the point of it was to show why memes (like Portal's cake) suck so hard.

That MAD clip is the summation of why I fucking hate that show. There is absolutely nothing funny or redeemable about it. It's an offensively bad show on all levels. If you do not take to stabbing your television set when that show comes on, then you have legally rescinded your right to life.

I'd probably say that my favorite Valve game is The Orange Box. Does that count? Half Life 2 won't, for reasons I'll detail when I eventually beat it. Right now, I just got past the part where rocket launchers confused me (what do you mean by laser sights, Weird Mustache Man?).