By Video_Game_King 28 Comments
Portal( Let me say right now that I fucking hate Portal.) Don't get me wrong; it's an awesome game, but I still hate it for one very important reason: the cake is a lie. How the hell has this meme managed to permeate almost every part of life? I can't watch TV or play video games without seeing this reference that even the people who originally wrote it hate. So what am I gonna do? Instead of writing a normal blog, I'm going to stuff this with as many dumbass memes as possible, just to show you how annoying it is. For what is a meme? A miserable little pile of bullshit! But enough talk. Have at you!
Of course, we all know how the game begins: GLaDOS, a supercomputer whose humor factor is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND, wakes you up with the phrase "slee-PING AS usual, I see." (I'd use Still Alive, because that's at the start the game, but I'm not sure it's a meme.) That's right, let me get it out of the way now: unlike this blog, Portal is hilarious. I was going to say that whoever wrote this should be put in charge of memes so that they'd be funny, for a change, but then I remembered the point of this blog. But still, it's amazing how funny this game is. The humor's never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. It's never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie a-....That reminds me: that fucking meme. Valve, I am disappoint. They had to know that this was going to take off, because the cake joke stops when the Nyan Cat does. Maybe it's just that I'm focusing more on them since everybody knows about the cake being a lie, but it can't be that alone; one of the survivors writes this on the wall before the game ever mentions cake...and continues to do so throughout the entire game (apparently, he died right before GLaDOS' chamber, that being the point where she just got tired of him asking "I can haz cake?"). Not sure why they pimped out the cake joke over all the other ones ( this in particular) that made me say yes twice while a camera zoomed in on my face and trumpets blared in the background.
Of course, it's easy to see why they pimped out the portal mechanic: it's better than 775 naked cartoon pussies. Like rule 34, it's simple but gets amazing results: you shoot portal in one spot, another in another, and use them as doors to solve puzzles. It's used in many creative ways, like launching cubes onto switches or balls into switches (that description does not at all do it justice), but that's not what you want; you want to dick around with physics in all sorts of crazy ways. Fortunately, while it may take a while to get there, this game has mastered physics much in the same way that the Punchmaster has mastered his punch mastery. Of course, there are some problems with this, corrections being the main one. Because you can't land on your head, you'll be barrel-rolling all over the place if your portals aren't pretty much of the same alignment. Most of the time, it's just an amusing distraction, but when you're actually trying to solve puzzles that rely on control and physics, it becomes pretty annoying. You know, like this. But that's the type of frustration you see as often as a demotivational poster; more often that not, you'll get the brain destroying frustration you often find in captioned pictures. It's the type of frustration where when you finally figure it out, you feel like a bad enough dude to rescue the president.
Although that could probably be because of how short the game is. If Portal was a cat of some type, it would be the Shortcat to Longcat's Longcat. I was able to finish it in five hours in one day. I've spent more time waiting for pizza, on occasion. Now I know what you're saying: you're a-firin' your lazzor. Keep in mind that my anti-lazzor shield makes me epic for the win. We done? OK. You were going to say that it doesn't matter that it's short, since Portal, like Braid, is one of the most complete games of recent memory. Not really, since it's a super easy game. I just blasted through each puzzle, never having to resort to FAQs to answer questions like "how is babby formed." The few times where I was challenged were the times where it was more in the execution than in actually figuring out how to set up us the bomb for great justice. The only time where I had no clue what to do was near the end of the game, when I dared to bring light into GLaDOS' lair and she demanded that I must die. I knew what I had to do: attack her weak point for massive damage, like she's a giant enemy crab. The problem entered when I couldn't attack one of her weak points for massive damage, because it was in the air for no reason. At first, I thought I could just grab it in mid air like I was Chuck Norris, but then I realized that only one person can be as awesome as Chuck Norris: Vin Diesel's ass. I spent the next few minutes fucking around until I finally got the last piece out. I'm still not sure how it was supposed to work. That last orb is like magnets, man. How does it work? But despite the ridiculous ease and shortness of Portal, I can assure you that the cake is not a lie!...... FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
- This shit is funnier than...you know what? Just insert any meme here. Most of them aren't that funny to begin with.
- So I herd u liek portalz. Well then, I have just the game for you.
- The whole experience goes by faster than a card game on motorcycles.
Let's see if I can turn this into a meme: Elmer Fudd wants to fuck sandwiches.
Mortal Kombat 3( PORTAL KOMBAAAAT!!!!) Wait, I'm not doing the meme gimmick anymore. Anyway, Mortal Kombat 3. You know what I love about it? No, not those things; I'll get to those in time. I'm talking about effing schizophrenic the fanbase for this series is. Did the series start to suck around Mortal Kombat 4? Was it Deception? Or Armageddon? Or Mortal Kombat 3, as I've heard several people say? Actually, it's that last one... kinda. Wait, that was Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3. Maybe that was where the series started sucking?...I have no fucking clue. All I know is that this game is pretty awesome.
Wait, I think I figured out why this game divides its fanbase worse than Final Fantasy XIII: they removed Scorpion. I'd put it in caps, but I don't think that would do the message justice. This does, though. How can you have a Mortal Kombat game without Scorpion in it? That piece of crap Sub Zero spin-off had him, but this major game in the series doesn't? That would be like having a Mario game without Luigi. I know what I said. So who could possibly replace such a major character in the series? Pretty much a bunch of characters beginning with either K or S, including a cheap cop, a couple of robots, some cheap centaur thing, and two characters we haven't seen since the first game. Also, Goro totally has tits. Actually, that sounds pretty good. Now I can see why they got rid of Scorpion: to make way for some pretty cool shit. With Scorpion out of the way, they can focus on things like a completely new personality...kinda. I'd say that the game is cartoony, but you're juts going to tell me that the previous game was, too. I counter with "robots turning you into Tasmanian devils, mercy equating to feeding a spirit animal from another dimension, and whatever the Nightwolf is are far more cartoony than anything Mortal Kombat II ever tried to pull." Of course, I win because I am the King.
What's that? You're confused about that spirit animal from another dimension part? Well, remember how Mortal Kombat II introduced friendships and babalities? The third game's contribution seems to be Bestialities (I know it's animalities, but I just want to piss off the fan base as much as possible), wherein you turn into a spirit animal and kill the hell out of them. Or so I've heard. Turns out that Bestialities are really hard to perform in Mortal Kombat 3. It wasn't that I couldn't do the button combinations, as was the case for about half the regular Fatalities, but that they would never register. That's really the best way to show off new gameplay features: by making them impossible to use. I guess by that logic, then, I can see why people hate this game: the combo system. It's just so easy to use and improves the flow of the game so damn much. Don't you fucking hate that? What? No? You're totally right: it's an awesome system. I'd explain why, but I don't think the people reading this are afflicted with some super mutant Alzheimer's. That in mind, I'll just say that the combo system requires some actual type of skill to use. Go ahead, try to button mash your way into a combo. You may get a few hits in, and they may even count as a combo, but to see why this is pretty much Midway's answer to Killer Instinct, you'll need to learn specific button orders and timings and other things I never really paid attention to. Wait, then how did I get through the game?
Uppercuts. Nothing but uppercuts. Uppercut somebody, and they are screwed. Granted, it requires just as much timing and running as the combos, but there's one key difference: they can't fight back. Apparently, the self preservation part of the brain is found in the chin. Just run up to them and perform an uppercut, and...wait, you don't even need to uppercut. Turns out Nightwolf has an ability that's like an uppercut, but doesn't require you to sniff the other person's balls. So yea, just use that. You might have trouble with the two final bosses (especially the centaur with some type of reflecting exoskeleton), but they're still not immune to the uppercut. Hell, that's the only way to beat Motaro. The only things you miss by shaving people with your fists are some alternate maps, but since this isn't Super Smash Bros. Brawl, I'd like to see somebody explain why I shouldn't just uppercut my way through the game. Wait, I remembered something: single player in fighting games kinda sucks. It's usually just "fight these dudes, and then this ultra dude", and Mortal Kombat 3 is no different. The only major deviation is that you get to choose how many dudes you get to fight, but I feel as though I'm straying from the point I originally intended to make: play this game with friends. If you do, it will be awesome. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to warn a group of seniors about the danger of lighting yourself on fire. Then I'll reveal to farmers the fact that seeds grow into plants, but only if I have time for it after I've told everybody how awesome Sonic the Hedgehog 3 is.
- I'd say that it has the best look and feel in the series, but I've only played three games so far.
- Imagine if Killer Instinct had blood. Or just imagine Killer Instinct, because it has blood.
- Who knew that uppercuts and grenades were so powerful?