By Video_Game_King 5 Comments
Earthworm Jim 2( Holy shit, I'm approaching the top five.) Can you feel it? Actually, no, you probably can't, since this is happening to me, not you. Let me tell you what it feels like: it is quite awesome and daunting. From here on in, the games must matter and have personal meaning, even though they probably won't. For example, I start things with yet another PS1 title, just like I've been doing for the past four blogs. This time, it's Earthworm Jim 2. Fuck. I have the odd feeling that the top five is going to be a series of fairly challenging trials like this one.
Hell, it even makes the blog hard to write, as it gives me no idea what the story is. However, from what I could glean off the ending, you're rescuing Princess What's Her Name (thanks for ruining my joke where I forget her damn name) from the evil Psy-Crow, only it turns out that you're all cows. Why? Well, remember how in the first Earthworm Jim, you launched a cow into space, and at the end of the game, it became a type of Chekhov's Looney-Tunes Anvil? Remember how everybody loved that joke? Well, Earthworm Jim 2 sold out; you cannot go a single level without a cow joke. Every level now ends with two cows telling you how awesome you are, the ending is nothing but cows, and there's even a level where you do nothing but rescue cows. I realize that the cow joke was funny the first time, but at this point, you're just selling out. It'd be like if every blog I ever wrote ended with a Chickenhead joke. It's ju-
Piss off; you know you're only allowed to haunt me at the end of my blogs. Is he gone? Good. He wasted his one opportunity. Where was I? The plot? Fuck. Outside the cow jokes, I had no idea what was going on. Never once did I get any hints as to what the overall plot was. Sure, there were obviously recurring characters and villains and stuff, but they never really did anything. I suspect that if I watched the cartoon, I'd know who they are, but we all know the game came first. Besides, you're not supposed to make me dick around outside the game in order to enjoy it. As it stands, they're all just a bunch of dicks who want to keep you from getting through the level, for some reason.
You know, because I already don't have enough trouble getting through the level. (Hey, that counts as one paragraph; Chickenhead just interrupted it.) If you only remember one thing about this game, remember this: improve your memory, you goldfish monster. I wrote all these words for a reason. However, one of the defining features of the game is just how hard it is. Part of it is legitimate, like those granny chair segments where you rely solely on reflex to pass, but part of the challenge also lies with the controls. By that, I mean they don't always do what you want them to do, like the grapple. Yes, there's a grapple feature in this game, but rather than using your head to solve the puzzles, you use a snot whip (again, care to explain?). What's the difference? Well, it comes out of your back while jumping, but at a weird angle that makes grapples harder to time than they should. This may not sound like much, but that's because for the most part, it isn't much. If you're looking for much that does not look like much, examine the controls. They're really good, but slippery when you don't want them to be. They're the reason why you will lose at least 101 puppies in the three Puppy Love levels. If you can pull off something like this, you get nothing from me. From the game, you get a very strong feeling of satisfaction for having completed something like that, but you get that feeling if you complete the level with fuck-ups, so that perfect run was a rip-off.
Sort of like how this game is not. Like the original game, you get so many different goals and gameplay styles that it's sometimes hard to tell just what Earthworm Jim 2 is supposed to be. Sure, you have traditional platform levels where you shoot crap and jump through other stuff, but you also have things that aren't even close to anything remotely platformy, and I'm not just talking about Puppy Love. Hell, there's a level where you float through intestines as a salamander thing, ending with quizzes and a Simon Says boss fight. Oh, and Beethoven plays in the background, which rocks if you're playing the PS1 version (I was), but keep in mind that this was originally on the Genesis. Here's the original, just so you can appreciate how offensive that is. It'd be like if somebody did a piano rendition of Thriller. Oh, fuck you, mankind. So how do you follow that up? With a Zaxxon-esque shooter, of course! I'd criticize the game for being directionless and confusing, but since that's the entire premise of my blog, I don't want to come off as a hypocrite. Instead, I'll embrace it as awesome, simply because it is. After all, it's not like the game just throws shit at you because nobody could decide what the sequel to Earthworm Jim should be; each part of the game stands well on its own, and several parts feel like they could actually be a full game, if somebody just paid attention to them.
In fact, the platformy/shooty parts were their own game; they were called Earthworm Jim. It was pretty good, combining a lot of weapons with a lot of platforming. Thankfully, that's all exactly the same in every way, although the game does try to separate itself from its predecessor, even if it has no idea how. Yea, there's the cosmetic change of the booger grapple/parachute that makes no sense, but it also introduces a new weapon: the bubble gun. You'll use it less than the head whip, since it does no damage, has less range than if you tossed a water balloon filled with helium instead of water, and, for some reason, has ammo. I have no idea what happens when it finally runs out of ammo, but I doubt it'd add anything of value to game. Damn it, Earthworm Jim 2, this is not how you change a game. You're supposed to do something that changes how the game works. Hell, you could've tweaked the controls to let me shoot while jumping. It certainly would've made the bosses...actually, the few bosses in the game are actually pretty easy. One hands you the victory, another is only mildly challenging, and the final boss can be beaten by running right and shooting a bit. Combined with the cow ending, it's a pretty disappointing ending to an otherwise awesome game. Obviously, it gets the Telegony Award. For the five of you who aren't experts in Greek literature, the Telegony is the ending that the Odyssey never got. Why? The gods turned Odysseus and family into cows, and then revealed themselves to be cows.
- Earthworm Jim 2 does so much crazy shit that it can sometimes be hard to figure out what the hell it is.
- The main gameplay, however, hasn't changed a lot, even if the game wants you to think it has.
- The hell's with all the cows?
As many of you don't know, George Wood, the guy behind the navgtr videos, has been dead for years. Here are his last drug-fueled moments before he was mauled to death while fucking a bear he thought was a grandmother. He thought the cubs were her grandchildren joining her for to play the Wii that wasn't there.
Bonk's Adventure ( Wait, wasn't this supposed to be Alien Syndrome?) Granted, it was an unlicensed game, but last I checked, that counts. Why am I playing as a caveman child who should either be dead or mentally retarded by mentally retarded standards? And who the hell am I asking these questions? Wait, I remember why I didn't play Alien Syndrome: it wouldn't work for me. Also, given that it's an unlicensed Tengen port, it probably sucks.
Bonk, however, does not suck. I know that that's the least powerful statement I could make about a game, but it's the truth. Having written myself into a corner, let's just move onto the story, like I do in just about every other blog I've ever written. That's right: unlike Earthworm Jim 2, this game actually has some type of story. The type? Very little. There's a dinosaur king, and he's ravaging the kingdom, maybe. It's hard to tell if he's a king of anything, or if he's just being a dick, but the point is that he's captured a princess and sent the entire Cretaceous era to destroy you, since you're the only person evolved enough to realize that a captured princess is a bad thing. I know that this is all fairly standard, and to be honest, it is standard. However, things start to get weird once you meet the princess. In battle. Yes, to rescue the princess, you must fight her as a boss. She rides in a car that launches fist missiles, which cave people apparently had. But you beat her and that's the end of it, right? Actually, you still have to beat up the king, who's hiding on half the moon. He's not that big; half the moon is just missing, for no reason. Of course, having mentioned the moon, you're probably wondering how Bonk gets up there. Simple: a skull elevator rocket thing......what the fuck. Oh, and remember the princess? The one who will inevitably become part of some cliché romance? She's a dinosaur. I don't even know where to place bestiality in the list of things I need to point out regarding this game.
Unfortunately, this is where things get far less confusing and stupid: the gameplay. It's pretty much as standard as the story's premise, until it concerned itself with space dinosaur kings, for whatever reason. Bonk is nothing but walking right. That is pretty much all you'll do in the game: walk right, fight a boss, and then repeat for an hour. Of course, Bonk doesn't want to admit that his game is essentially the second level of Tomena Sanner, so there's some other features in the game. You have headbashing (more on that later, though) and super meat forms, but the latter doesn't exactly do much for the game. Unless you reach the highest level and become invincible for a small amount of time (but damn, what an awesome small amount of time it is), it just makes you angrier. OK, it does make you more powerful, which would be a fairly useful thing to carry into boss battles if they weren't already piss easy. For most of the battles, you can just jump above them and strike from above for the entire battle. There are two exceptions, though: a boss that is actually kinda challenging, and one where you just jump up into his skull until he dies.
And that brings me to the one major flaw with the game: the headbashing. Simply put, it destroys the game. If you have turbo...wait, why am I saying "if?" The TurboGrafx-16 came prepackaged with turbo controllers, and while the NES version I played didn't, they were easily available. Anyway, hold down turbo B and you will become a spinning soft spot of death. You're just supposed to turn your head around in mid-air, but with the turbo button available, all bets are off. Nothing will be able to touch you, and even the mightiest of bosses will turn to dust when they see your spinning baby head. I'd post a video of it, but I can't record a video where the sound isn't trying to destroy my speakers, so believe me when I say that turbo spins make the game piss easy. It's a shame, too, since the game's actually pretty good. Look at the above screenshot: it's really close to the original version, which means either the NES rocks, or the TurboGrafx-16 was a graphical pile of shit. I'm leaning toward the former, since it's the right answer. Also, since TurboGrafx Bonk is pretty much this. I'd tell you all the ways it's OK, but I feel like I kinda did. That in mind, I hereby bestow upon it....uh....I want to give it a sexual-joke award of some type, but I'm not sure what to call it. Bestiality? Pedophilia? Furries? Until somebody can figure that out, I'm giving this game the Devolution Award, since according to this game, human babies evolved incredibly soft heads, for some reason. How do you fuck up evolution?
- What the hell happened to the story?
- The gameplay plays like your basic platformer template. Take that as you will.
- Who balanced the turbo spin ability, and why weren't they fired for th-Wait, I just thought of something. Bring up a picture of Nathan Rad Spencer
Now remove the mustache...
Put him in a tuxedo...
*gasp* Navgtr...he lives! NAVGTR LIVES!!!