By Video_Game_King 9 Comments
Spyro: Year of the Dragon( Wondering why this took so damn long to come out?) First, it's because I'm always a terrible judge of time around 3D platformers. Second, I like balance in my blog. Remember the last one, where I beat the game the day I started it? And then I did that again, only with a game that sucked a bit? Now we have the opposite: a game that took me quite a while to beat, but was pretty awesome, and not just because the next game after it is a pile of shit. Hell, I didn't even have to alter the text when I searched for that link; it's already an alias for the page.
But enough about that pile of shit; let's talk about people who might as well be piles of shit, by which I mean the characters. The game starts off with a dinosaur ordering a cloaked rabbit to capture all the dragon eggs in Spyro Land. This proves that the game isn't a direct sequel to Ripto's Rage, since that game would just show all the dragons fucking to produce those eggs, and that would be the more interesting game. Anyway, she does just that, and it's up to you to rescue all the dragon eggs. I know that it sounds pretty basic, but actually, yea, it is, but it's not THAT basic. The story has a nice sense of build-up, characterization, and all that boring crap. Hell, it even takes time to explain questions you never really asked, even if it never bothers looking at the questions you really want answered, like "If Bianca captured Hunter, then why is he here now, ready to go skateboarding with me?" Oh, speaking of Hunter, he's an asshole, just like all the other characters in the game. Remember when I said that a bunny captured a bunch of dragon eggs? I don't think she was alone; every character in this game has at least one or two eggs per level, but they're not gonna cough it up for free. No, you're gonna have to dance for their amusement before they'll even consider giving you the egg.
Fuck you, Any Character Who Expects That; why should I have to race you for an egg when I can find a ton of them just lying around? I'm not kidding, a lot of them are just lying around. They're not even hidden in areas that are hard to reach, or come with prerequisites or anything; you can just pick them up as soon as you enter the area. I understand that you guys had 150 eggs to shove into the game, but you could've put some effort into it. Hell, you could've stuffed a Pokemon into each one; makes about as much sense as what you did with the game, anyway. Wait, did I say that you guys could put effort into the game? Turns out that you couldn't, since you guys kinda copy/pasted the same engine you've been using for the past two games. Hell, that's why I'm gonna link you to the previous two instead of bother to explain it. I'm not complaining about that, since it's still pretty good, but it does get redundant when I see Hunter teaching me how to glide AGAIN. It's not that hard to figure out, especially since we've had two games before this to figure out the elusive concept of gliding. You managed to fix a bunch of other major problems with the series (I now know how many eggs I need to progress, and it isn't "all of them"), so why couldn't you fix that one annoying problem? And that problem about having to 100% the game to wrap up the story that you rubbed in our faces this time around.
And don't you dare say that it's because you're lazy, even though you guys were completely lazy in the last paragraph. I've seen how much work you put into the game, and none of it is lazy. It's amazing how you guys were able to stuff at least a couple of new ideas into every level and never repeat yourself or feel stale. Granted, not all of them are good ideas (I didn't know that haiku was an accent), but the point is that most of them are just plain awesome. For example, new characters: I could stop there, but I won't. Instead, I'll say that they're more than just "like Spyro, but blank." They each play like their own separate game, like the yeti's Zelda stuff and Sparx's what-I-think-Smash-TV-is-like portions. (Eh, I'll figure that out in the next one.) Yes, you actually get to play as Sparx in this game, and it is awesome. It certainly kicks the crap out of some of Spyro's stuff. Not calling Spyro's stuff bad, since I still love flying around, but Sparx has flying AND a bunch of other crap that Spyro doesn't. Why doesn't he get the game? Wait, why do I feel like if he did, it'd suck? That doesn't make any sense. Sparx works just fine in Spyro 3, and it's already a really good game. Hell, it's good enough to get the Loud Rumbling in Your Stomach Award for Preceding a Giant Pile of Shit. Actually, that probably means that Enter the Dragonfly sucks.
- Didn't know Avalar was full of exploitative dicks.
- Or are they just trying to show me all the variety in the game? If so, hooray for them.
- Now I just wish that they'd fix a few minor problems with it (that ending business).
I'd like to make a Sexual Harassment Panda joke, but I wasted that in the comments on the video, so pretend that this sentence is a joke.
Super Smash TV( This is what I meant by "the next one" in the previous one.) So to avoid confusion in the future, "one" will refer to one of three things, in the most confusing way possible: the number, Neo, or a blog segment. Anyway, Super Smash TV! No, it's not this, but a 90s arcade game that was ported to the SNES. Unfortunately, in the conversion, it lost a lot of its, and I quote, "double fisted action." Why do I get the feeling that this blog is pissing off Jeff right now?
Probably because of what I'll do in the following paragraphs: insult the hell out of the game. I'd like to do that for the story, but there's not much to riff on. Or much of anything, really. The premise is simple: you're in a game show where you kill people and collect prizes. The execution is weird: you're in a game show where you kill people and collect prizes. "Wait, isn't that the same thing you said before?" Yes, it is, Attentive Voice in My Head, but that doesn't make it any less weird. For example, the host of the show seems to be this plastic...insect...bear...doll...alien human thing with a Medusa in each arm. Every now and then, he'll spout a catch phrase at you, like these, which leads me to believe that he has a string in his back. But wait, there's more! Randomness! Remember those prizes I mentioned earlier? They're all over the place. You have regular ones, like luxury vacations and cars and stuff, but then you have shit like VCRs and...meat? Meat? I realize that we're living in some weird post-apocalyptic scenario, but that somehow makes things more illogical. Why am I picking up so much money? What worth can it have in this bloodbath of a future we're living in?
When I say bloodbath, I meant BLOODBATH, with a capital everything. You'll kill so many people in this game that you make Hitler look like a kid with a magnifying glass. If you think this sounds fun, let me put it this way: burning ants is more fun than this. At least when you're burning ants, you know it's not gonna last long; in Smash TV, you'll spend nine years killing people, wondering when the hell it stops. When it finally does stop, you realize that there's another room, and a good chance that the enemy count has increased significantly. But don't worry, as this doesn't go on forever; the game's only three stages long, and the only reason you have to replay it is a better ending the game doesn't explain well. You're supposed to collect ten keys (the game tells you about this...poorly) and five question marks (the game never explains this) before the final boss, and you apparently get a good ending. I don't know if it's a good ending, though, since the bad ending is probably the same, only without the "get the good ending" message.
Moving onto something that matters, this is a dual stick shooter, only not for a console with two sticks. Instead, you move with the d-pad and shoot with the face buttons. It's exactly as awkward as it sounds: you've never thought of those buttons as directions, so it'll take about nine game overs until you adjust to the controls. But once you do adjust, it's OK, kinda. There's a variety of power-ups to collect, but they only last for about 100 enemies, so most of your shooting will be done with the default pea-shooter, which gets the job done oddly well. With time, I was actually having fun weaving through crowds of enemies and collecting enough money to be considered my own nation. Unfortunately, the key phrase is "with time"; it takes way too long to build up to that fun for me to recommend it, especially since this isn't the type of game you play for a long time (unless you're the type of person who carries $20 to an arcade). It's a shame, given that I ended up liking the game, but it just isn't that good. However, I do know how to make it better: Everything's Better with Zombies Award. Can you imagine Super Smash TV if it had the set-up of Dead Rising and the everything else of I Made a Game with Zombies In It (With Spell Check Expansion)? In fact, fuck Super Smash TV; just play I Made a Game with Zombies in It. I realize that I've never played it, but at least that shooter has two sticks. Super Smash TV has no sticks.
- Wow, story...what happened?
- Mind telling me why the game takes so long to build up?
- Is it because you guys padded the hell out of the game?