By Video_Game_King 9 Comments
Cho Aniki: Bakuretsu Rantou Hen( First, let me say that this is not the music I wanted.) But I couldn't find the oddly-addictive credits music for this game, so I had to go with the next gayest thing: Rick Astley. Just look at that guy. There's no chance that a female of any species would consider accepting his seed. Anyway, remember my Tactics Ogre blog? You know, the one I considered to be the gayest blog I've ever written, probably because of this guy? Well, nothing's changed. OK, so this blog gets points for making both of us nose-cum onto our keyboards, but that still doesn't beat Mustache Wilde.
Usually, I start with the story, but I couldn't find any story for this game, and I know why: there's no explaining this game. Look at this game, and try to explain it. It's impossible. However, I did find some attempts to explain it on Wikipedia, where it said that it's part of a genre of games designed to be shit. Games in this genre include Takeshi's Challenge, Hong Kong 97, and a bunch of other shit that isn't video games. I'm generally not the type of guy who likes shit games (here's some examples), but then again, this is a Japanese thing, and Japan is known for some weird shit. Like Cho Aniki! Chances are that the only thing you know about this game is how gay it is. You probably think that Cho Aniki is just the thing to make somebody like Freud flinch. Keep in mind that this is the guy who thought that one mistake in a child's life could lead to an obsession with shoving things up their ass; if anything's gonna creep him out, it's this game. Actually, no, it won't, because it's not as gay as you think. I'm aware of all the half-naked (but not the half you'd want) men, but there are tons of half-naked women in this game, too. If anything, Cho Aniki's just really weird. Hell, look at the character set: naked dudes, ship things, women (yes, women in an apparently gay game) and something that people tell me is a condom.
Of course, by mentioning the character roster, I bring up the fact that this is a fighting game, which surprised the hell out of me. Every article I've seen about the games ( one) led me to believe that this is a shooter. Imagine my surprise when I found that this was a fighting game; now triple it when I found out that it's one of those "float anywhere you want, but gravitate toward the center" fighting games, allowing me to boldly gay where no man has gayed before! That's assuming that I could figure out what was going on, but like the rest of the game, this game is impossible to penetrate. I couldn't find a move list anywhere, and while your input is shown at the bottom of the screen (probably to humiliate any button mashers in the vicinity), it's near impossible to guess how you do a given move. I blame that on the game's weird (third time I've used that word) system of doing things; Hadoukening your way through fights will do near nothing, since Cho Aniki rips its moves from Mortal Kombat, only with the added benefit of making half of them require that you jam the special button in addition to whatever else is needed. And just to complete the Mortal Kombat analogy, all the characters seem to play exactly the same. I'm pretty sure that's why there's no move list anywhere: once you figure out how to play as one naked muscleman, you can play as any of them.
And to move onto another fighting game analogy, it's like Art of Fighting. I realize that I've compared this to three fighting games already, but that's not enough to warrant a singularity. Anyway, like Art of Fighting, you have a meter that drains whenever you use special moves. Unlike Art of Fighting, however, you can actually recharge the meter by holding down special and doing a bunch of half-circles. For me, this meant running my fingers over the bottom three arrow buttons on my keyboard until I ground it to the knuckle. Trust me, the blood acts as a very efficient lubricant. Now that you trust me, let me say that the system oddly works, adding an element of strategy and reaction that I don't see in a lot of other fighting games. Do you beat up your opponent while they're down, or do you charge up your special meter so you can blast some cock-ray at him later? Or do you abandon any notion of strategy and just mash buttons until victory? Turns out that it's usually gonna be the last one, since the game is most fun when it's batshit crazy. You won't know what the hell just happened, but damn it, you'll love it. You'll see your robot-ship-Elvis set up combos that would make Killer Instinct blush, yet have no idea as to how you did it. Hey, remember earlier, when I said that I don't like shitty games? An amendment to that rule seems to be, "I like them if they throw enough gay shit in there to be considered Maxim." Yet somehow, that's still not enough to rival gayer games I've probably played, which is why I give this game the Regular-Ass Oscar Wilde Award for Not the Gayest Game I've Ever Played.
- Not gay, but weird. Very, very weird.
- This isn't a very user-friendly game.
- Somehow, it's still stupidly fun.
Speaking of weird foreign shit that's vaguely gay, German clips of The Simpsons. For the full picture, check out the related videos. One's about Obama saying that we can chase a topless Angela Merkel, another shows the inconsistency of German voice acting. With Üter, you either get a half-assed Mickey Mouse pretending to be a girl, or a no-assed effort by some German dude. Have you ever seen anybody without an ass? It's horrifying.
The Bug Bunny Birthday Blowout( This one seems a bit weird, but I have good reason for playing it.) When I first saw the title of this game, I read it as "Bug Bunny's Birthday Blowjob", which is not only adequately homosexual, but also fits the terror motif I've been going for. If you're having trouble figuring that one out, keep in mind that a buck tooth blowjob will leave your dick looking like a bloody hot dog bun. Thankfully (or maybe disappointingly, depending on how much you like hot dogs), it's Birthday Blowout, which I suspect is a sexual act more horrifying than bunny blowjobs.
I wouldn't know, since the game never explains what a blowout is. Instead, it focuses on the word "birthday", and that Bugs Bunny is 50, even though he looks some different age. What's weirder is that they're counting his birthday as his first cartoon, which, if any of this is to make sense, must be his mom giving birth to him and his 900 siblings. Fast forward 50 years, and all his friends are pissed that Bugs Bunny fanboys are throwing him a party. Yes, there are Bugs Bunny fanboys, apparently. Oh, and to add to the confusion, all those jealous assholes who try to murder you at the end of every level? Turns out it was a joke they were all playing for the surprise party, the surprise being that the ending come out of absolutely nowhere. That's less a welcome surprise and more a legal defense for mass homicide. Things don't get any better when you realize that none of his friends bothered buying any gifts. At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if Bugs locked the door and started vigorously sucking off everybody in the room.
How did I make that even more horrifying than what I thought Cho Aniki would be? Let's just forget about it and move onto the gameplay, which I can describe as simplistic platformer. You move from left to right, mostly, until you hit a pipe. Depending on where you are in the level, you either get the chance to collect a bunch of carrots (I'll mention that in a moment), or a boss fight. Sort of. About half the time, it's Daffy Duck, and you never have to fight him. Just jump above him, grab the carrot, and fly off, leaving Daffy to feel as pathetic and useless as he is. All other boss battles (by which I mean "boss battles") consist of hitting the guy three times. That's it. Sometimes they'll try hiding (but you can still hit them), sometimes they'll attack back (but fuck that; the game's consistent with Looney Tunes canon, meaning nothing can kill you), but there's no stopping Bugs Bunny; like Spongebob Squarepants, if he wants somebody dead, THEY WILL DIE, delayed attacks be damned. If somebody wants him dead, however, then they'll find that Bugs Bunny is immortal, probably because the game hands out 1-ups like party favors.
OK, not exactly. Remember what I said about the carrots? There are TONS of them throughout the levels, yet collecting 100 will not get you a 1-up, mostly because you'll never find 100 of them. Instead, after each level, you play a very generous bonus game: line up any number of squares on a random number generator, and you get a 1-up. Is your line curved? 1-up. Are they on opposite ends of the board? 1-up. Oh shit! You got five on a straight line! FIFTY LIVES FOR YOU! Yes, you read that right: 50. It makes Contra look like a whiny little bitch, especially considering the fact that you'll need every last one of them if you ever want to survive in this world. Remember how the AVGN said that every single platform in this game falls out from underneath you? Holy shit, was he right. If it doesn't disappear from beneath you outright, it's gonna break, since everything in Looney Tunes Land is apparently made of uncooked spaghetti. Oh, and don't think you can predict which ones are flimsy, either, since the only way to find out is to jump on them and hope that the rocks aren't made of sand. But if you land on the one sand platform in the entire level, not all is lost! Sometimes, you need to go down to proceed, even if the game gives no indication of what's a death pit and what's a progression hole. Those rocks you have to bash individually (for whatever reason, turbo will not work on this game) to move down aren't any hint, either, since they usually lead to death pits. Dicks. In fact, that's probably how I'd sum up this game. In fact, I'll do just that in the bullets and just end this game on the Nixon Award for Being a Dick.