By Video_Game_King 19 Comments
The Binding of Isaac
(Wait, what?) Where the hell did this come from? The last thing I remember was playing Halo Wars, thinking, "Well, this should make for an interesting (or painful) blog", and then this came up. Huh? How did I beat this dungeon crawler in about six hours? I want that time back, damn it...so I can play more of The Binding of Isaac, of course.
Wait, why would I want to play more of this fucked up game? Wait, you don't believe me when I say that this game is fucked up? Just look at the set-up (or the box-art, I guess; either will do): Isaac's just living his life, when God starts speaking to his mom. Apparently, the bearded bastard hates Isaac's guts and wants him to suffer as much as he can. But he's also a lazy bastard, so he gets the kid's mom to do it all for him. Eventually, she decides to kill him, leading us into the game proper. Now this sounds innocent enough, at least compared to other games (locking a naked kid in a room can't compare to drugging a teen girl and selling her into stripping/slavery), but keep in mind that it decorates all this with heavy religious themes. What was once a cute Flash cartoon becomes unnerving and somewhat terrifying. Now keep in mind that this is before you actually start playing the game itself; that's when it decides to step things up a bit. I could go into detail about the final levels or all the religious stuff, but all I need to do is link you to this thread. What the fuck?
Oh, that reminds me: the random shit is what makes this game awesome. Normally, I'd be against randomly generated games, since they seem like the level designer spent all his work time playing Farmville or some shit, but oddly enough, it works really well here. I think it's because there's just so much shit to find in this game. Remember that thread from earlier? Notice how everybody's Isaaceseses look totally unique? That's actually par for the course. You're gonna end up with a fucked up Isaac in every playthrough, and there's so much shit to find in the game that no two children will be bruised in the exact same manner. (Uhh......) Throw in some unlockable characters (who aren't terribly different from the default Isaac, but whatever) and a ton of different enemies, and you can understand why I'm probably playing this game right now, long after I've beaten it. Of course, it does have its problems. Sometimes, the random generation can randomly screw you over, giving you no good items or barring them off in dickish ways ("Hey, not enough keys? Here are a ton of gold chests you can't open, and no keys to open them."). This also makes certain achievements hard to achieve, since they rely a lot on luck. However, I wouldn't call this game terribly diffi-
You know, it just occurred to me that in those previous three paragraphs, I never bothered explaining just what the hell the game is like. Let's rectify that mistake right now. It's a dual joystick shooter for a platform without joysticks (I know, but trust me, you'll adjust). You wander through dungeons, shooting stuff and no, that's it. But damn if it doesn't get a lot of mileage out of that simple concept. Once you pick up this game (how you'll do that, I've not a clue), you're not gonna put this game down. Trust me, I know; I've spent entire nights saying that I'll put the game down in the next few minutes, only to find myself pumping up the volume because it's hard to hear a game over the heat death of the universe. I'd try to explore why it's so addictive, but I know the exact reason: the fast paced nature. There usually aren't a lot of enemies and stuff on screen at once, so it's easy to clear each room out a minute at a time. Imagine a digital crack fix. The only problem with this approach (besidesallthisshakingwhyamishakingisitcoldinhereseriouslywhyamishakingdoesanybodyhavemorecrack?) is that...well, the game's over too quickly. When I first completed the game, I said to myself, "That's it?" The game responded with "no, that's not it" before adding two levels and saying, "That's it." It really comes out of nowhere and feels like it's over before it even began...but for some reason, I keep going back.
- WHY IS THERE A HEART IN SOMEBODY'S VAGINA!?
- There's probably more shit in this game than there are words in all of my blogs combined.
- Granted, it's all stuffed into about five or six hours, but that time will soon balloon into five or six years.
Oh, the many new things I discover in the Fire Emblem community. This time, we have a picture of Sigurd hitting his good friend Eltosian with an apple, presumably because he disapproves of the fact that he's been teleported into the world of I Wanna Be the Guy. Oh, and a pretty bitching remix of the chapter 2 theme.
Hello Kitty World
(Yes, you're reading that right (assuming that the shock of seeing those words hasn't forced you to create more comforting illusions).) Now why the fuck did I decide to play this? Did I decide that I wanted a bit more pedophile in my weeaboo? Of course not. Instead, it was because of its history. Basically, there was once a sequel to Balloon Fight, but at first, Japan didn't get it. (I'm guessing that when an American tried to make fun of them for this, a Japanese guy replied with, "How are you enjoying INSERT ANY GAME HERE! *laughter*".) Then somebody decided to slap some Hello Kitty on it to make it more attractive to Japanese players. When they finally played it, they realized why it didn't come over in the first place: it's not a terribly good game.
Of course, there's a good chance that none of you have played Balloon Kid (that's why this is the closest thing to a sequel the series will ever get...you bastards), so allow me to explain the concept behind it.
Alice's brother Jim Hello Kitty's self, Hello Kitty, has been kidnapped for not very clear reasons. Now it is up to Alice Hello Kitty to fly around a clearly (if oddly) laid out world a Super Mario Land 2 where numbers don't exist. I'm sure that you've caught onto it by now: this is a weird-ass port. For example, I'm not lying about the number thing. The stages are actually represented with things that aren't numbers. I have no idea why; there are only eight stages, so it's not like the kids playing this game would be confused by the numbers. However, kids would be confused by that picture. Ignoring the minor swearing part, can somebody tell me if Hello Kitty really does kick ass? Oh, and despite being a port of a Game Boy game, it doesn't look significantly better than a Game Boy game. Turns out the only colors added were the ones the artists could find in the MS Paint toolbar. Other than that, though, Hello Kitty World is pretty much the same as Balloon Kid.
But what's Balloon Kid actually like? In a word: simple. Very, very simple. All eight levels move automatically, and since you spend about 80% of the game on balloons, platforming isn't too much of an issue. So what are you supposed to do? Collect balloons, mostly. They give you point bonuses and a power-up and everything. Of course, the game moves at a fairly slow pace, so it's not too hard to grab them every last one, and grabbing them all nets you a 1-up. Are you catching onto a theme yet? If not, here it is: this game is really easy. There's not a whole lot that can kill you, and that which can kill you only kills you if the game determines that you're too stupid to live. Are the bosses any more of a threat? Not really; all you need to do to beat them is let go of your balloons, bounce on them, grab your balloons from that bounce, and do it twice more. The only exception is the final boss, who requires two more shots than normal. Then...that ending. Other than that, not a whole lot to say about the game. I'ts a mildly fun waste of time you can finish rather quickly, which sort of makes up for the fact that there isn't a lot to it in the first place.
- Does Hello Kitty kick ass?
- It's pretty much an arcade game on your Game Boy, only on the NES, too.
- Oh, and it's mad easy.