The truth behind Santa Claus: it will shock your world.

Christmas time is here once again, and as you guys have noticed, I've been preaching the evils of Santa since such a time began. Once, Christmas was about human kindness, giving presents, and celebrating Superman's birthday (or at least that's how I remember it). But somewhere along the way, a horrible thing happened: the holiday started moving farther and farther from its roots, eventually becoming the ritual worship of a fat man in red clothes. Why worship such an evil man? "Santa isn't evil", you tell me! Oh, on the contrary; I can prove it:
 

Terrorism

We've been taught that Santa travels the world, climbing through people's chimneys and leaving presents 'neath their trees. Wait, something seems weird about this. Maybe the breaking and entering part. Does it not seem odd that the image of all benevolence is breaking into people's houses without their consent? Hell, this is probably for some ulterior motive. The boxes could have bombs inside, the bows laced with deadly bacteria and viruses, tracking devices placed in the tree. And to top it all off, the fat bastard steals their food to satisfy his gluttonous greed. What kind figure would do such a horrible thing? 
 

Pedophilia/"The Children"

"He's doing all of this for the children", you exclaim in defense of your god. Yea, about that, I think this may be the creepiest part of the figure. A moral judge of all humanity, you say? Then why does he ignore the influential adults of the world and go straight for the children? Actually, "go straight for" may be the wrong choice of words, as they seem attracted to him by an otherworldly force. He sets up guarded areas in malls, the only ones allowed into this dark circle being innocent children. They then sit on the hairy man's lap and a midget takes a picture of them. Does any of that sound suspicious? The only reason Chris Hansen is not on the case is because Santa has brainwashed him, too!
 
But no, Santa is not content with harming children in one way; he wants to harm them in all ways! Once upon a time in France, Santa saw a man murder three children to get their money. He hired the man as Father Spanker, sending him to the houses of naughty French children to beat their asses into insanity. He's also the only "Saint" to associate with demons. Demons like the Krampus, who drags naughty children to the depths of Hell. Worse yet, in the Netherlands, he has sent a slave called Black Peter ( this is a real thing) to capture children in a burlap sack. What he does with them is not known; we must assume the worst.
 

Hiring Policies

Speaking of his employees, what have you noticed about his elves? Same race, right? Hell, same gender, too. Everybody in his "workshop" is white and male; the only girl in the entire place is Mrs. Claus, and I've heard from reliable sources that her relationship with the man is quite abusive. Sure, things may look peaceful in the TV specials, but that is merely a staged reality meant to satiate the public; hell, the man spews out more "ho ho ho"s than actual presents! Yet the only female in the North Pole is not alone in her misery; no, that extends to the elves. One wanted to be a harmless dentist, but Santa would have none of that, for all his elves must be joyless laborers. Given this constant depressed state, I believe that they are either slaves or slave-clones he made himself.
 

Animal Abuse

Ah, but the abuse stretches farther than humans/human-esque things. No, I have reason to believe that he not only flogs and abuses his reindeer, but he revels in it! I've seen the poor creatures, and they are severely malnourished! He feeds them helium and meth, supposedly to achieve the fast flights of your lore. Rudolph's nose isn't glowing red; it's inflamed, swollen, and leaking pus! I've informed PETA and the ASPCA, but both find my claims "preposterous." 
 

Drug Ring

Speaking of meth, have you ever noticed how Santa produces nothing but crappy, wooden toys? I find this odd because children today receive nothing but top-end electronic toys like Wiis and wide-screen TVs. Tell me, how is it possible that he delivers such gifts when he only manufactures the cheap stuff? Well, it's all very simple: the fat man manages a drug ring in the one place nobody would ever suspect, but where it's incredibly easy to get the white stuff: the North Pole! Any drug you can name, and he has access to it faster than you could possibly imagine. Those oak toys are but a ruse to hide the drugs, packages he uses to deliver them to Cuban and Colombian drug lords! That money funds the expensive toys, we know that, but it all funds something else, something far more sinister...
 

Weapons Ring

Yes, Santa not only has access to the most destructive weapons on Earth, but buys it often and with relative ease! His sleigh is recognized as unregistered aircraft by the FAA, and does not answer to any sort of regulatory commission. Why does he do this, you ask? If he were to do this, then they surely would discover his plans to organize an army of elf slaves. After all, he obviously has the resources and power to achieve such a goal, and all the motivation to do so.
 

The Coup de Grace

However, that is not his most horrific act. No, that would be usurping Christmas from its original subject matter (or at least original given modern context and whatnot). I can understand the state of shock I've sent you into, but hear me out: I've discovered that Santa was the very person who killed Jesus! Yes, Santa nailed him to the cross and personally watched him suffer until his death! Santa's apparel was not originally red, but as white as the snow surrounding his remote factory! It was only after he brutally nailed Jesus to the cross that his clothes were bathed in blood, forever casting an unholy red shadow upon his figure!
 

What it all means

"How can so much darkness and evil exist within the very picture of human kindness", you ask me in a dismayed manner. To be honest, I was quite surprised when I uncovered such information myself. However, after discovering a dark revelation that would make Dan Brown's mind explode, it all started to make sense. Before me I saw a secret code. Now I know it may be hard to comprehend such a complex code, but just try to follow along. I've made it easier by preparing a visual representation:
 

You see, the Santa you know is nothing more than Satan, the zenith of all evil, hatred, darkness, and malevolence. Suddenly, it all made sense: Satan Claus enters homes using dark magic (the fires in the chimney are close enough to hellfire to make it work), uses children as fuel for his dark conquests, and so much more. Mistletoe isn't hanged over doorways so you can tongue-molest your co-workers; in olden times, it was a holy plant hanged over doorways to keep out evil spirits, like Satan Claus. Couples kissed under it, knowing that it might be their last.
 

But wait, the rabbit hole goes deeper!

There are indeed more revelations! For example, I'm sure a lot of you gamers out there have played Metal Gear games, telling the tale of Solid Snake in his quest to take down Metal Gear and its various offspring. However, there is one thing I could never get over: how does Big Boss keep coming back to life? I think you know where I'm going with this: Big Boss and Satan Claus are the same person, and Snake Eater and its spin-offs are pure propaganda. After all, have you ever noticed the similarities between BB and SC?
 
And to top it off, in Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, several children roam the halls of Zanzibar Land, all mentioning their daddy, Big Boss. Obviously, Satan Claus captured and brainwashed such children to do his bidding. Yet why he'd do so is beyond me; he has already sired three children, ready to do his bidding and spread chaos across the globe.
 
Wait, did I say three? I meant four, as I've done far more research and turned up this odd little fact: Dracula is actually Romanian for "Son of the Devil." Keep in mind that Dracula was not born in today's time, where people are named just by how it sounds or at a parent's whim; no, back in his day, people named their children after what they were destined to do or, in this case, what they already were. Of course, this means that Dracula is the son of Satan Claus himself. "Big deal", you say, "you've told me far more shocking things so far." Oh? Prepare to have your mind blown for yet another time. Again, I require a diagram:
 
Do you notice a pattern of any kind? Perhaps it's that all of his offspring are the subject of/major characters in Konami games. That's right, Konami knows of their dark lineage, yet continues to cast his evil spawn as heroes, people to be admired! I demand that Konami end this propaganda, come clean, and kill them all, insuring that the fat ball of darkness shall never again torment mortal life! I shall also destroy his brainwashing towns all across America, letting the people know the truth. "But under your plan, he will still live! He can just sire more bastards, find another spreader of his propaganda, and continue the cycle anew!" I've thought of such a scenario, and plan to kill Satan Claus personally. But I will not be alone in my quest, for I shall hire the greatest heroes of the land, people who know of his maleficent secrets. I believe they all travel under a banner called [adult swim] (except for two intrepid/fat heroes, of course).
 
 
 
  

 
 
   
But of course, I need all of you! Yes, you! I am but one man, and as such, many will not believe my message. But if you spread the truth to all the misinformed people, perhaps we can finally cast the shackles of his oppression off humanity's minds! The fate of all life everywhere depends on this!
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Posted by Video_Game_King

Christmas time is here once again, and as you guys have noticed, I've been preaching the evils of Santa since such a time began. Once, Christmas was about human kindness, giving presents, and celebrating Superman's birthday (or at least that's how I remember it). But somewhere along the way, a horrible thing happened: the holiday started moving farther and farther from its roots, eventually becoming the ritual worship of a fat man in red clothes. Why worship such an evil man? "Santa isn't evil", you tell me! Oh, on the contrary; I can prove it:
 

Terrorism

We've been taught that Santa travels the world, climbing through people's chimneys and leaving presents 'neath their trees. Wait, something seems weird about this. Maybe the breaking and entering part. Does it not seem odd that the image of all benevolence is breaking into people's houses without their consent? Hell, this is probably for some ulterior motive. The boxes could have bombs inside, the bows laced with deadly bacteria and viruses, tracking devices placed in the tree. And to top it all off, the fat bastard steals their food to satisfy his gluttonous greed. What kind figure would do such a horrible thing? 
 

Pedophilia/"The Children"

"He's doing all of this for the children", you exclaim in defense of your god. Yea, about that, I think this may be the creepiest part of the figure. A moral judge of all humanity, you say? Then why does he ignore the influential adults of the world and go straight for the children? Actually, "go straight for" may be the wrong choice of words, as they seem attracted to him by an otherworldly force. He sets up guarded areas in malls, the only ones allowed into this dark circle being innocent children. They then sit on the hairy man's lap and a midget takes a picture of them. Does any of that sound suspicious? The only reason Chris Hansen is not on the case is because Santa has brainwashed him, too!
 
But no, Santa is not content with harming children in one way; he wants to harm them in all ways! Once upon a time in France, Santa saw a man murder three children to get their money. He hired the man as Father Spanker, sending him to the houses of naughty French children to beat their asses into insanity. He's also the only "Saint" to associate with demons. Demons like the Krampus, who drags naughty children to the depths of Hell. Worse yet, in the Netherlands, he has sent a slave called Black Peter ( this is a real thing) to capture children in a burlap sack. What he does with them is not known; we must assume the worst.
 

Hiring Policies

Speaking of his employees, what have you noticed about his elves? Same race, right? Hell, same gender, too. Everybody in his "workshop" is white and male; the only girl in the entire place is Mrs. Claus, and I've heard from reliable sources that her relationship with the man is quite abusive. Sure, things may look peaceful in the TV specials, but that is merely a staged reality meant to satiate the public; hell, the man spews out more "ho ho ho"s than actual presents! Yet the only female in the North Pole is not alone in her misery; no, that extends to the elves. One wanted to be a harmless dentist, but Santa would have none of that, for all his elves must be joyless laborers. Given this constant depressed state, I believe that they are either slaves or slave-clones he made himself.
 

Animal Abuse

Ah, but the abuse stretches farther than humans/human-esque things. No, I have reason to believe that he not only flogs and abuses his reindeer, but he revels in it! I've seen the poor creatures, and they are severely malnourished! He feeds them helium and meth, supposedly to achieve the fast flights of your lore. Rudolph's nose isn't glowing red; it's inflamed, swollen, and leaking pus! I've informed PETA and the ASPCA, but both find my claims "preposterous." 
 

Drug Ring

Speaking of meth, have you ever noticed how Santa produces nothing but crappy, wooden toys? I find this odd because children today receive nothing but top-end electronic toys like Wiis and wide-screen TVs. Tell me, how is it possible that he delivers such gifts when he only manufactures the cheap stuff? Well, it's all very simple: the fat man manages a drug ring in the one place nobody would ever suspect, but where it's incredibly easy to get the white stuff: the North Pole! Any drug you can name, and he has access to it faster than you could possibly imagine. Those oak toys are but a ruse to hide the drugs, packages he uses to deliver them to Cuban and Colombian drug lords! That money funds the expensive toys, we know that, but it all funds something else, something far more sinister...
 

Weapons Ring

Yes, Santa not only has access to the most destructive weapons on Earth, but buys it often and with relative ease! His sleigh is recognized as unregistered aircraft by the FAA, and does not answer to any sort of regulatory commission. Why does he do this, you ask? If he were to do this, then they surely would discover his plans to organize an army of elf slaves. After all, he obviously has the resources and power to achieve such a goal, and all the motivation to do so.
 

The Coup de Grace

However, that is not his most horrific act. No, that would be usurping Christmas from its original subject matter (or at least original given modern context and whatnot). I can understand the state of shock I've sent you into, but hear me out: I've discovered that Santa was the very person who killed Jesus! Yes, Santa nailed him to the cross and personally watched him suffer until his death! Santa's apparel was not originally red, but as white as the snow surrounding his remote factory! It was only after he brutally nailed Jesus to the cross that his clothes were bathed in blood, forever casting an unholy red shadow upon his figure!
 

What it all means

"How can so much darkness and evil exist within the very picture of human kindness", you ask me in a dismayed manner. To be honest, I was quite surprised when I uncovered such information myself. However, after discovering a dark revelation that would make Dan Brown's mind explode, it all started to make sense. Before me I saw a secret code. Now I know it may be hard to comprehend such a complex code, but just try to follow along. I've made it easier by preparing a visual representation:
 

You see, the Santa you know is nothing more than Satan, the zenith of all evil, hatred, darkness, and malevolence. Suddenly, it all made sense: Satan Claus enters homes using dark magic (the fires in the chimney are close enough to hellfire to make it work), uses children as fuel for his dark conquests, and so much more. Mistletoe isn't hanged over doorways so you can tongue-molest your co-workers; in olden times, it was a holy plant hanged over doorways to keep out evil spirits, like Satan Claus. Couples kissed under it, knowing that it might be their last.
 

But wait, the rabbit hole goes deeper!

There are indeed more revelations! For example, I'm sure a lot of you gamers out there have played Metal Gear games, telling the tale of Solid Snake in his quest to take down Metal Gear and its various offspring. However, there is one thing I could never get over: how does Big Boss keep coming back to life? I think you know where I'm going with this: Big Boss and Satan Claus are the same person, and Snake Eater and its spin-offs are pure propaganda. After all, have you ever noticed the similarities between BB and SC?
 
And to top it off, in Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, several children roam the halls of Zanzibar Land, all mentioning their daddy, Big Boss. Obviously, Satan Claus captured and brainwashed such children to do his bidding. Yet why he'd do so is beyond me; he has already sired three children, ready to do his bidding and spread chaos across the globe.
 
Wait, did I say three? I meant four, as I've done far more research and turned up this odd little fact: Dracula is actually Romanian for "Son of the Devil." Keep in mind that Dracula was not born in today's time, where people are named just by how it sounds or at a parent's whim; no, back in his day, people named their children after what they were destined to do or, in this case, what they already were. Of course, this means that Dracula is the son of Satan Claus himself. "Big deal", you say, "you've told me far more shocking things so far." Oh? Prepare to have your mind blown for yet another time. Again, I require a diagram:
 
Do you notice a pattern of any kind? Perhaps it's that all of his offspring are the subject of/major characters in Konami games. That's right, Konami knows of their dark lineage, yet continues to cast his evil spawn as heroes, people to be admired! I demand that Konami end this propaganda, come clean, and kill them all, insuring that the fat ball of darkness shall never again torment mortal life! I shall also destroy his brainwashing towns all across America, letting the people know the truth. "But under your plan, he will still live! He can just sire more bastards, find another spreader of his propaganda, and continue the cycle anew!" I've thought of such a scenario, and plan to kill Satan Claus personally. But I will not be alone in my quest, for I shall hire the greatest heroes of the land, people who know of his maleficent secrets. I believe they all travel under a banner called [adult swim] (except for two intrepid/fat heroes, of course).
 
 
 
  

 
 
   
But of course, I need all of you! Yes, you! I am but one man, and as such, many will not believe my message. But if you spread the truth to all the misinformed people, perhaps we can finally cast the shackles of his oppression off humanity's minds! The fate of all life everywhere depends on this!
Online
Posted by Colin

Holy crap.
Edited by Jeust

ahahaha you crazy old cuck :p
 
nice post!

Posted by RankRabbit

It's like an episode of Glenn Beck.

Posted by fwylo

Haha wow alot of effort went into that. Good read.

Posted by inkeiren
@RankRabbit said:
" It's like an episode of Glenn Beck. "
Haha. It's all CONNECTIONS.
Posted by JokerClown88

That was...Interesting...Fantastic read though.
Posted by I_smell

Why would you put a tracking device in a tree? What the fuck use is that to anyone?

Posted by nanikore

Well nice going, you just ruined Christmas. :(

Posted by Evilsbane


Posted by Kblt

It's like I'm really reading abovetopsecret.com

Posted by wolf_blitzer85

Haha well put together.

Posted by Jeffsekai
@Evilsbane said:
"

"
Posted by sixghost

1 out of 5

Posted by CommodoreGroovy

When PETA calls your idea, "preposterous", you know something is wrong and ironic.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Jeust said:
" ahahaha you crazy old cuck :p  nice post! "
Oh, look at that: f is right near c on the keyboard. Is that your way of saying, "Fufk you"?
 
@I_smell said:
" Why would you put a tracking device in a tree? What the fuck use is that to anyone? "

Trust me, Satan Claus has a use for each one. I doubt even the symbol of all darkness can see all houses at once.
 
@RankRabbit said:
" It's like an episode of Glenn Beck. "

While I got that feeling while writing it, let me say this: I am not like Glenn Beck at all. I am not calling Santa a Nazi, just the embodiment of all evil.
Online
Posted by Video_Game_King
@CommodoreGroovy said:
" When PETA calls your idea, "preposterous", you know something is wrong and ironic. "
Another reason never to trust PETA.
Online
Posted by C0V3RT

I think I just found the hidden message for Assassins Creed III.

Posted by ADTR_ZERO
@Jeffsekai said:
" @Evilsbane said:
"

 
"
"
Posted by Video_Game_King
@C0V3RT said:
" I think I just found the hidden message for Assassins Creed III. "
Um, no:
 

Online
Posted by CaptainObvious

In days where spider man can be funnier than deadpool, you can't trust anyone. Even the santa. The only person i trust is that friendly drug dealing neighbour of mine. He seems legit.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@CaptainObvious: 
 
No, the drug dealer is actually kinda bad, in that case. Not Satan Claus bad, but still kinda bad.
Online
Edited by CornontheCobbe

Sorry to break it to you kids, Santa's dead.
 
Great read, it had me in stitches on some parts. Well done.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@CornontheCobbe said:
" Sorry to break it to you kids, Santa's dead."
No, he's undead. There is a difference, you lifecist.
Online
Posted by Claude

Did you mention the list? Naughty and nice, sounds like big brother to me. I bet he sells the information, that's why I'm getting email spam.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@Claude said:
" Did you mention the list? Naughty and nice, sounds like big brother to me. I bet he sells the information, that's why I'm getting email spam. "
That spam's also proof that he's into pedophilia/perverted things. Why else are they all about your penis?
Online
Posted by Cerza
@ADTR_ZERO said:
" @Jeffsekai said:
" @Evilsbane said:
"

"
"
"
Posted by Jeust
@Video_Game_King:  
 
In a friendly way :p
Posted by Video_Game_King
@Jeust: 
 
Is fufk a furry Dutch word for bless or something?
Online
Posted by ajamafalous
@Cerza said:
" @ADTR_ZERO said:
" @Jeffsekai said:
" @Evilsbane said:
"

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"
"
Posted by leky1
@Video_Game_King said:
" @Claude said:
" Did you mention the list? Naughty and nice, sounds like big brother to me. I bet he sells the information, that's why I'm getting email spam. "
That spam's also proof that he's into pedophilia/perverted things. Why else are they all about your penis? "
How do you know that?
Posted by Video_Game_King
@leky1 said:
" @Video_Game_King said:
" @Claude said:
" Did you mention the list? Naughty and nice, sounds like big brother to me. I bet he sells the information, that's why I'm getting email spam. "
That spam's also proof that he's into pedophilia/perverted things. Why else are they all about your penis? "
How do you know that? "
Why do you ask me that question in regard to the spam? What about everything else?
Online
Posted by leky1
@Video_Game_King said:
" @leky1 said:
" @Video_Game_King said:
" @Claude said:
" Did you mention the list? Naughty and nice, sounds like big brother to me. I bet he sells the information, that's why I'm getting email spam. "
That spam's also proof that he's into pedophilia/perverted things. Why else are they all about your penis? "
How do you know that? "
Why do you ask me that question in regard to the spam? What about everything else? "
No,i ask you how do you know that it penis related...unless....YOU ARE SATAN CLAUS AND THIS WAS JUST TO TAKE THE LOOK OFF OF YOU!En guard!
Posted by Video_Game_King
@leky1: 
 
I am NOT Satan Claus! How dare you accuse me of such!? I have spent my best years crusading against his unholy war! * turns on battle music*
 
Besides, why fight me? A better enemy would be FOX News, as I have uncovered that they are being manipulated by none other than Satan Claus! Every year, they announce how the War on Christmas is getting stronger, knowing that more people know the truth about Satan Claus. Satan Claus tells them all to spread the word about the War on Christmas to distract people from the truth! Speaking of truth (or the lack thereof), Glenn Beck's also in on it. How else could somebody rape logic and common sense so horribly? Only through inhuman dark magics could such terrors take place!
Online
Posted by bonbolapti

You man child :O
Posted by acecards
@ajamafalous said:
" @Cerza said:
" @ADTR_ZERO said:
" @Jeffsekai said:
" @Evilsbane said:
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Posted by joshy9411

hate to burst your bubble but santa isnt real....
Posted by ninjakiller

has anyone told Glenn Beck about this santa claus?  Santa probably has ties to the Obama administration.

Posted by Video_Game_King
@joshy9411: 
 
He is, and he's evil.
 
@ninjakiller:
 
Please see the following post:
 
@Video_Game_King said:
" @leky1: 
 
I am NOT Satan Claus! How dare you accuse me of such!? I have spent my best years crusading against his unholy war! * turns on battle music*  
 
Besides, why fight me? A better enemy would be FOX News, as I have uncovered that they are being manipulated by none other than Satan Claus! Every year, they announce how the War on Christmas is getting stronger, knowing that more people know the truth about Satan Claus. Satan Claus tells them all to spread the word about the War on Christmas to distract people from the truth! Speaking of truth (or the lack thereof), Glenn Beck's also in on it. How else could somebody rape logic and common sense so horribly? Only through inhuman dark magics could such terrors take place! "
Online
Posted by Neon941

shite man, I'm not gonna be able to sleep on Christmas Eve. The truth is harsh.

Posted by TooWalrus

Too bad he's fictional eh? Because the world would be a hell of a lot more interesting if he were truly terrorizing us. All hail Satan Claus!

Posted by damnboyadvance

Nice. Never thought of it that way. ;)

Posted by Video_Game_King
@TooWalrus: 
 
*gasp* Another minion of Satan Claus! Prepare to cease existing! * does battle*
Online
Posted by ArchScabby

I know this is supposed to be a joke, but the sad thing is that I wouldn't be suprised to see an article in the  newspaper just like this.

Edited by GunstarRed

It makes sense if you throw Tim Allen into the equation. 
 
edit... it actually brought up images of him when I wrote in tim allen SATAN claus on google images.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArchScabby: 
 
To me, that's a compliment. Granted, it was intended as an insult, but it can be taken two ways.
Online
Posted by ArchScabby
@Video_Game_King said:
" @ArchScabby:   To me, that's a compliment. Granted, it was intended as an insult, but it can be taken two ways. "
wait, are you saying I was trying to insult you?  Because I wasn't, I thought it was funny.  I just mean nowdays people are idiots, everything is out to get their children and turn them into horrible people.  But this was a funny article  because I know you were just trying to be funny.  I meant I could see some douche writing this article in a newspaper and actually meaning it.  And start saying things like Santa Claus should be banned and shit.
Posted by SinGulaR

This was just awesome.
Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArchScabby: 
 
My interpretation was that you were insulting newspapers. But whatever, at least unlike newspapers, I knew how much ridiculousness to inject into this article. Nevertheless, I'll still act like it's all real for some screwed up canon :P.
Online
Posted by ArclightBorealis
@acecards said:
" @ajamafalous said:
" @Cerza said:
" @ADTR_ZERO said:
" @Jeffsekai said:
" @Evilsbane said:
"

 
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