By Video_Game_King 71 Comments
Christmas time is here once again, and as you guys have noticed, I've been preaching the evils of Santa since such a time began. Once, Christmas was about human kindness, giving presents, and celebrating Superman's birthday (or at least that's how I remember it). But somewhere along the way, a horrible thing happened: the holiday started moving farther and farther from its roots, eventually becoming the ritual worship of a fat man in red clothes. Why worship such an evil man? "Santa isn't evil", you tell me! Oh, on the contrary; I can prove it:
TerrorismWe've been taught that Santa travels the world, climbing through people's chimneys and leaving presents 'neath their trees. Wait, something seems weird about this. Maybe the breaking and entering part. Does it not seem odd that the image of all benevolence is breaking into people's houses without their consent? Hell, this is probably for some ulterior motive. The boxes could have bombs inside, the bows laced with deadly bacteria and viruses, tracking devices placed in the tree. And to top it all off, the fat bastard steals their food to satisfy his gluttonous greed. What kind figure would do such a horrible thing?
Pedophilia/"The Children""He's doing all of this for the children", you exclaim in defense of your god. Yea, about that, I think this may be the creepiest part of the figure. A moral judge of all humanity, you say? Then why does he ignore the influential adults of the world and go straight for the children? Actually, "go straight for" may be the wrong choice of words, as they seem attracted to him by an otherworldly force. He sets up guarded areas in malls, the only ones allowed into this dark circle being innocent children. They then sit on the hairy man's lap and a midget takes a picture of them. Does any of that sound suspicious? The only reason Chris Hansen is not on the case is because Santa has brainwashed him, too!
But no, Santa is not content with harming children in one way; he wants to harm them in all ways! Once upon a time in France, Santa saw a man murder three children to get their money. He hired the man as Father Spanker, sending him to the houses of naughty French children to beat their asses into insanity. He's also the only "Saint" to associate with demons. Demons like the Krampus, who drags naughty children to the depths of Hell. Worse yet, in the Netherlands, he has sent a slave called Black Peter ( this is a real thing) to capture children in a burlap sack. What he does with them is not known; we must assume the worst.
Hiring Policies Speaking of his employees, what have you noticed about his elves? Same race, right? Hell, same gender, too. Everybody in his "workshop" is white and male; the only girl in the entire place is Mrs. Claus, and I've heard from reliable sources that her relationship with the man is quite abusive. Sure, things may look peaceful in the TV specials, but that is merely a staged reality meant to satiate the public; hell, the man spews out more "ho ho ho"s than actual presents! Yet the only female in the North Pole is not alone in her misery; no, that extends to the elves. One wanted to be a harmless dentist, but Santa would have none of that, for all his elves must be joyless laborers. Given this constant depressed state, I believe that they are either slaves or slave-clones he made himself.
Animal Abuse Ah, but the abuse stretches farther than humans/human-esque things. No, I have reason to believe that he not only flogs and abuses his reindeer, but he revels in it! I've seen the poor creatures, and they are severely malnourished! He feeds them helium and meth, supposedly to achieve the fast flights of your lore. Rudolph's nose isn't glowing red; it's inflamed, swollen, and leaking pus! I've informed PETA and the ASPCA, but both find my claims "preposterous."
Drug Ring Speaking of meth, have you ever noticed how Santa produces nothing but crappy, wooden toys? I find this odd because children today receive nothing but top-end electronic toys like Wiis and wide-screen TVs. Tell me, how is it possible that he delivers such gifts when he only manufactures the cheap stuff? Well, it's all very simple: the fat man manages a drug ring in the one place nobody would ever suspect, but where it's incredibly easy to get the white stuff: the North Pole! Any drug you can name, and he has access to it faster than you could possibly imagine. Those oak toys are but a ruse to hide the drugs, packages he uses to deliver them to Cuban and Colombian drug lords! That money funds the expensive toys, we know that, but it all funds something else, something far more sinister...
Weapons Ring Yes, Santa not only has access to the most destructive weapons on Earth, but buys it often and with relative ease! His sleigh is recognized as unregistered aircraft by the FAA, and does not answer to any sort of regulatory commission. Why does he do this, you ask? If he were to do this, then they surely would discover his plans to organize an army of elf slaves. After all, he obviously has the resources and power to achieve such a goal, and all the motivation to do so.
The Coup de Grace However, that is not his most horrific act. No, that would be usurping Christmas from its original subject matter (or at least original given modern context and whatnot). I can understand the state of shock I've sent you into, but hear me out: I've discovered that Santa was the very person who killed Jesus! Yes, Santa nailed him to the cross and personally watched him suffer until his death! Santa's apparel was not originally red, but as white as the snow surrounding his remote factory! It was only after he brutally nailed Jesus to the cross that his clothes were bathed in blood, forever casting an unholy red shadow upon his figure!
What it all means "How can so much darkness and evil exist within the very picture of human kindness", you ask me in a dismayed manner. To be honest, I was quite surprised when I uncovered such information myself. However, after discovering a dark revelation that would make Dan Brown's mind explode, it all started to make sense. Before me I saw a secret code. Now I know it may be hard to comprehend such a complex code, but just try to follow along. I've made it easier by preparing a visual representation:
You see, the Santa you know is nothing more than Satan, the zenith of all evil, hatred, darkness, and malevolence. Suddenly, it all made sense: Satan Claus enters homes using dark magic (the fires in the chimney are close enough to hellfire to make it work), uses children as fuel for his dark conquests, and so much more. Mistletoe isn't hanged over doorways so you can tongue-molest your co-workers; in olden times, it was a holy plant hanged over doorways to keep out evil spirits, like Satan Claus. Couples kissed under it, knowing that it might be their last.
But wait, the rabbit hole goes deeper!There are indeed more revelations! For example, I'm sure a lot of you gamers out there have played Metal Gear games, telling the tale of Solid Snake in his quest to take down Metal Gear and its various offspring. However, there is one thing I could never get over: how does Big Boss keep coming back to life? I think you know where I'm going with this: Big Boss and Satan Claus are the same person, and Snake Eater and its spin-offs are pure propaganda. After all, have you ever noticed the similarities between BB and SC?
Wait, did I say three? I meant four, as I've done far more research and turned up this odd little fact: Dracula is actually Romanian for "Son of the Devil." Keep in mind that Dracula was not born in today's time, where people are named just by how it sounds or at a parent's whim; no, back in his day, people named their children after what they were destined to do or, in this case, what they already were. Of course, this means that Dracula is the son of Satan Claus himself. "Big deal", you say, "you've told me far more shocking things so far." Oh? Prepare to have your mind blown for yet another time. Again, I require a diagram: