This blog was filmed in front of a live studio audience.

ALF

(Welcome back, television audience.) This week on Renegade Ego, the King experiments with everything under the sink. However, he learns an important lesson, as he is teleported to a terrifying realm where logic is not welcome and excitement and joy are brutally oppressed. This realm is known as an Abomination Lacking Fun; to humans, it is ALF.

It all starts with an unfunny TV show about ET and Snuffleupagus birthing a bastard child that loves nothing more than eating pussy and ends with a game about the same. But more important than any of that is how the game makes absolutely no sense. I guess with a premise like that, it's par for the course, but it doesn't exactly bode well for a game based entirely around puzzle-solving. For instance, how do you get through the basement without those pesky bats bothering you? By swinging salami at them, of course! Because that's a sane answer anybody would think of. Throw in a lack of direction, some unclear controls, and naturally, this should be a hard game, right?

Perhaps the only logical decision in this game's development.

Well, not really. There are two things to mention about this: first, this is a really short game. Really short, you guys. This means there aren't a lot of options you have at any given time, limiting both your choices and any semblance of challenge. Second, death. Surprisingly (or perhaps unsurprisingly, given your levels of cynicism), killing this turd-puppet-monster is the best part of the game. Should....OK, when you kill Alf, you're simply returned to the beginning of the current area, losing absolutely no progress whatsoever. It's not a good sign for your game when players not only want to kill the playable character, but benefit from it.

Then again, there's nothing good about this game in the first place. Now I know that sounds redundant, but it's my way of transitioning into the non-puzzling elements about the game. Yes, all three of them. Surprisingly, they all have three things in common. First, the controls. They're all terrible, choosing to delay your actions so you'll have a chance to reflect on all the poor decisions you've made that resulted in you playing ALF. Then again, this might be due to the bad frame-rate on a Master System game. That ought to explain why I chose not to use a screenshot of the actual gameplay for this blog. And finally, commonality number three is a theme that runs through the entirety of this game (and likely this blog). Do you know what it is, kids at home? They're all horrible.

Review Synopsis

  • It's pretty much every bad Flash game you've ever played.

We'll be back after a message from our sponsors.

Home Improvement The Adventures of Gilligan's Island

(We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for something that's actually possible.) On today's episode of Renegade Ego, the King's friend...let's say ...convinces the King to experiment with everything under the sink. He should have learned to stay away from all those chemicals...but he hasn't. This time, things are different. Yes, the King trips out on cleaning chemicals, but is now transported to an isolated hell where every day is the same torturous routine. It is ruled by the seven deadly sins, but among them, one tyrant reigns supreme: that tyrant is Gilligan, and this is his island.

It all starts with a group of shit-eating grins getting stranded on an island, and....no, that's pretty much all there is to it. Yet despite that, it's surprising how much effort the developers put into making this feel like the show itself. You play episodes instead of levels, and each one begins with a setup that could have been lifted from the TV show. Reluctantly, I have to congratulate the developers on nailing the feel of the TV show. Why reluctantly? Well, look at the choice of show. Really? Gilligan's Island? You chose that show? Granted, I haven't watched the show, but this game certainly doesn't make me want to change that, what with the corny jokes, repetitive dialogue, and crap plots built around these two things. So to sum things up: Bandai wanted to make a game feel like a 25 year old TV show, and unfortunately, that's exactly what they did.

Why? This isn't a TV show. And didn't they escape the island in a TV special 12 years prior?

After reading the first two paragraphs of this, do you get the feeling that things are repetitive for no real reason? Well, that's The Adventures of Gilligan's Island for you. All the episodes (yes, all four of them), are exactly the same, and what's there isn't exactly exciting. First, you wander around a bit in search of a goal, because nobody ever thinks to set that up in the cutscenes before each episode. Once your goal, you bounce from castaway to castaway, doing their bidding because apparently shelter or escape aren't as important as a fucking golf ball in a tree. (That reminds me: tree climbing occurs in EVERY episode, for some reason.) At some point, the game gets fed up with this and hands you a club to beat something to death with. Now I know this might sound like something resembling fun, but that's only until you actually hit something. All the fights boil down to mashing the B button until something bleeds to death. Hopefully, it's your thumb; otherwise, you move onto the next episode. It only gets worse as the game goes on, culminating in a final level where you bounce back and forth between two NPCs like some game of human Pong. Wow, my Hell analogy from before looks very fitting, in retrospect.

Which reminds me: Gilligan. He's a feature in this game, by which I mean he occupies space on the screen. That's all he does, yet somehow, he gets far more importance in this game than he deserves. You don't even play as him; you're forced to drag the poor bastard around and wait for him to catch up every three seconds. If you decline, the game pesters you about the missing Gilligan until you get him back and can move on with the game. Sounds like fun, right? Why don't more games force you to bring along a useless companion who slows down the game immensely and pretends to be a legitimate gameplay feature? Maybe we'll find out next week on Renegade Ego.

Review Synopsis

  • If you've ever wanted to play through an episode of Gilligan's Island, then you're probably too implausible to exist.
  • Speaking of non-existent, the gameplay!
  • Oh, and Gilligan's useless.
See you next week!
35 Comments
36 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King

ALF

(Welcome back, television audience.) This week on Renegade Ego, the King experiments with everything under the sink. However, he learns an important lesson, as he is teleported to a terrifying realm where logic is not welcome and excitement and joy are brutally oppressed. This realm is known as an Abomination Lacking Fun; to humans, it is ALF.

It all starts with an unfunny TV show about ET and Snuffleupagus birthing a bastard child that loves nothing more than eating pussy and ends with a game about the same. But more important than any of that is how the game makes absolutely no sense. I guess with a premise like that, it's par for the course, but it doesn't exactly bode well for a game based entirely around puzzle-solving. For instance, how do you get through the basement without those pesky bats bothering you? By swinging salami at them, of course! Because that's a sane answer anybody would think of. Throw in a lack of direction, some unclear controls, and naturally, this should be a hard game, right?

Perhaps the only logical decision in this game's development.

Well, not really. There are two things to mention about this: first, this is a really short game. Really short, you guys. This means there aren't a lot of options you have at any given time, limiting both your choices and any semblance of challenge. Second, death. Surprisingly (or perhaps unsurprisingly, given your levels of cynicism), killing this turd-puppet-monster is the best part of the game. Should....OK, when you kill Alf, you're simply returned to the beginning of the current area, losing absolutely no progress whatsoever. It's not a good sign for your game when players not only want to kill the playable character, but benefit from it.

Then again, there's nothing good about this game in the first place. Now I know that sounds redundant, but it's my way of transitioning into the non-puzzling elements about the game. Yes, all three of them. Surprisingly, they all have three things in common. First, the controls. They're all terrible, choosing to delay your actions so you'll have a chance to reflect on all the poor decisions you've made that resulted in you playing ALF. Then again, this might be due to the bad frame-rate on a Master System game. That ought to explain why I chose not to use a screenshot of the actual gameplay for this blog. And finally, commonality number three is a theme that runs through the entirety of this game (and likely this blog). Do you know what it is, kids at home? They're all horrible.

Review Synopsis

  • It's pretty much every bad Flash game you've ever played.

We'll be back after a message from our sponsors.

Home Improvement The Adventures of Gilligan's Island

(We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for something that's actually possible.) On today's episode of Renegade Ego, the King's friend...let's say ...convinces the King to experiment with everything under the sink. He should have learned to stay away from all those chemicals...but he hasn't. This time, things are different. Yes, the King trips out on cleaning chemicals, but is now transported to an isolated hell where every day is the same torturous routine. It is ruled by the seven deadly sins, but among them, one tyrant reigns supreme: that tyrant is Gilligan, and this is his island.

It all starts with a group of shit-eating grins getting stranded on an island, and....no, that's pretty much all there is to it. Yet despite that, it's surprising how much effort the developers put into making this feel like the show itself. You play episodes instead of levels, and each one begins with a setup that could have been lifted from the TV show. Reluctantly, I have to congratulate the developers on nailing the feel of the TV show. Why reluctantly? Well, look at the choice of show. Really? Gilligan's Island? You chose that show? Granted, I haven't watched the show, but this game certainly doesn't make me want to change that, what with the corny jokes, repetitive dialogue, and crap plots built around these two things. So to sum things up: Bandai wanted to make a game feel like a 25 year old TV show, and unfortunately, that's exactly what they did.

Why? This isn't a TV show. And didn't they escape the island in a TV special 12 years prior?

After reading the first two paragraphs of this, do you get the feeling that things are repetitive for no real reason? Well, that's The Adventures of Gilligan's Island for you. All the episodes (yes, all four of them), are exactly the same, and what's there isn't exactly exciting. First, you wander around a bit in search of a goal, because nobody ever thinks to set that up in the cutscenes before each episode. Once your goal, you bounce from castaway to castaway, doing their bidding because apparently shelter or escape aren't as important as a fucking golf ball in a tree. (That reminds me: tree climbing occurs in EVERY episode, for some reason.) At some point, the game gets fed up with this and hands you a club to beat something to death with. Now I know this might sound like something resembling fun, but that's only until you actually hit something. All the fights boil down to mashing the B button until something bleeds to death. Hopefully, it's your thumb; otherwise, you move onto the next episode. It only gets worse as the game goes on, culminating in a final level where you bounce back and forth between two NPCs like some game of human Pong. Wow, my Hell analogy from before looks very fitting, in retrospect.

Which reminds me: Gilligan. He's a feature in this game, by which I mean he occupies space on the screen. That's all he does, yet somehow, he gets far more importance in this game than he deserves. You don't even play as him; you're forced to drag the poor bastard around and wait for him to catch up every three seconds. If you decline, the game pesters you about the missing Gilligan until you get him back and can move on with the game. Sounds like fun, right? Why don't more games force you to bring along a useless companion who slows down the game immensely and pretends to be a legitimate gameplay feature? Maybe we'll find out next week on Renegade Ego.

Review Synopsis

  • If you've ever wanted to play through an episode of Gilligan's Island, then you're probably too implausible to exist.
  • Speaking of non-existent, the gameplay!
  • Oh, and Gilligan's useless.
See you next week!
Posted by believer258

What does Shaquille O Neal / Patrik Klepek x Natalie Portman / Shaquille O Neal equal?

Online
Posted by Winternet

Man, that Nanako song . . is making me feel weirdly good with myself.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@believer258:

I don't know how to divide anything over Shaq. That's high level calculus shit.

@Winternet:

Then it has served its purpose. Now to see if I can find video of her swearing up a storm.

Posted by Cloudenvy

You linked a Nyanners song...You've reached a new low!

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Cloudenvy:

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna reach greater lows soon....Yea, I'm definitely gonna hit a new low at some point.

Posted by AlexanderSheen

@Video_Game_King: Sometimes I feel bad for you, King.

And Nyanners does a good fake Nanako voice (well, she sounds like that all the time).

Posted by Video_Game_King

@AlexanderSheen said:

Sometimes I feel bad for you, King.

?

Posted by AlexanderSheen

@Video_Game_King said:

@AlexanderSheen said:

Sometimes I feel bad for you, King.

?

Playing ALF and Gilligan's Island.

Posted by TooWalrus

I'm pretty sure I just hate sitcoms as a genre... Laugh tracks bug me. Claude does a pretty good Nanako voice, though.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@AlexanderSheen said:

@Video_Game_King said:

@AlexanderSheen said:

Sometimes I feel bad for you, King.

?

Playing ALF and Gilligan's Island.

@Video_Game_King said:

@AlexanderSheen said:

Sometimes I feel bad for you, King.

?

@TooWalrus said:

I'm pretty sure I just hate sitcoms as a genre... Laugh tracks bug me.

Who doesn't?

Posted by AlexanderSheen

@Video_Game_King: I don't get it.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@AlexanderSheen:

You are implying that there are times when you don't feel bad for me, something I cannot comprehend.

Posted by AlexanderSheen

@Video_Game_King: You are a king, man. No, you are The King! Of course there are times that I don't feel bad for you.

Posted by AndrewB

I do *not* remember being paid to provide voice bloops for the shitty Gilligan's Island NES game or this blog. I must have been preeeeettty drunk. But maybe I did... I mean, I'd be okay with playing the genius inventor of the coconut radio.

Unlike you, I watched probably the entire series of Gilligan's Island, and the show sounds like it was just as good as the NES game (and Gilligan about as useful as he was in it), so I don't know what you're complaining about. Actually, I guess the same could be said for ALF (although I only watched the ending to that series for the first time probably last year). And you can't expect much from a racist muppet.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@AndrewB said:

so I don't know what you're complaining about.

The sucky parts? I thought I was pretty clear about that. Besides, setting the bar low never helped anything, especially since neither Gilligan nor ALF could cross the damn thing in the first place.

*watches video* Is it more or less racist if the cats he eats are black?

Edited by AndrewB

@Video_Game_King: Expectations and all, but you have a point. An NES (should say Genes-NES) adaptation of a hammy 60s/80s TV series couldn't have a lower bar to achieve. Then again, neither could *insert tv/movie property here*

Cross-species racism (spracism) is undoubtedly worse.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@AndrewB said:

Cross-species racism (spracism) is undoubtedly worse.

So it would be better if the cats he ate were white? Or brown? Animal racism is confusing as fuck, especially when you throw a turd-faced alien into the mix.

Edited by AndrewB

@Video_Game_King: If he's indiscriminate about what color cat he eats, that's fine. Although he'll have to take it up with PETA. I'm not sure what their stance is on extraterrestrial on animal violence.

Actually, I guess the analogy is more like being against red-heads, since we're talking about fur color and not skin color. Personally, I like red hair.

Posted by pyromagnestir

Was this one of those "A Very Special episode" type episodes where I'm supposed to learn something like "Drugs are bad!"?

And how the hell does long division of Natalie Portman figure into all this?

Online
Posted by Video_Game_King

@pyromagnestir said:

Was this one of those "A Very Special episode" type episodes where I'm supposed to learn something like "Drugs are bad!"?

Probably. There's a good chance I was high when I came up with the idea for this blog.

I don't know. Ask .

Posted by Ravenlight

Why is the street level in the ALF game filled with rapists and children riding bicycles on a highway?

Posted by Mento

I only really worked on my own guard costume. Everything else I found in a dumpster.

Moderator
Posted by ArbitraryWater

So I am the wacky neighbor in this particular sitcom scenario? Ok. Nice to know.

Online
Posted by Video_Game_King

@Ravenlight:

Because those are the only people ALF hangs out with.

@Mento:

That explains the Yuri Lowenthal thing.

@ArbitraryWater said:

So I am the wacky neighbor in this particular sitcom scenario?

Hell yes you are.

Posted by Ravenlight

@Video_Game_King said:

@Mento:

That explains the Yuri Lowenthal thing.

@ArbitraryWater said:

So I am the wacky neighbor in this particular sitcom scenario?

Hell yes you are.

And why are there guards in this sitcom? Does the Friends cast live in a castle or something?

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Ravenlight said:

And why are there guards in this sitcom?

See anything relevant?
Posted by Ravenlight

@Video_Game_King:

Holy shit. Have those Imperial guard mofos been in your header image forever? I literally did not notice them until you pointed them out.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@Ravenlight:

They have always been there.

Watching me commit murder...
...and showing their Yu-Gi-Oh love in blogs you haven't read, yet.
Posted by RPGee

I sometimes wonder what the motivation behind playing some of your choices are. I'll be honest, playing any game based off of any TV show seems hair-tearing-ly awful, unless you get to do something like constantly kill the character you hate over and over again.

Now that makes me wonder if there are any reality TV based games. I wouldn't mind virtually murdering an avatar of the Situation.

Posted by Video_Game_King

@RPGee said:

I sometimes wonder what the motivation behind playing some of your choices are.

The blog, man. It's gotta be the blog. I thought I made that clear after playing My Little Pony.

Posted by ArbitraryWater

@Video_Game_King said:

@Ravenlight:

Because those are the only people ALF hangs out with.

@Mento:

That explains the Yuri Lowenthal thing.

@ArbitraryWater said:

So I am the wacky neighbor in this particular sitcom scenario?

Hell yes you are.

Well, now I have a new icon thanks to this.

Online
Posted by ZombiePie

Dear Video_Game_King,

This is the Screen Actors Guild regretfully informing you that your act of giving yourself top billing as well as an executive producing credit is a violation of industry regulations. The only manner in which you can avoid these regulations is if you become a paying member of both the Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists as well as the Producers Guild of America and meet their crediting requirements.

Until you can prove your membership in both organizations an injunction is being filed against your film to prohibit its distribution in the United States.

Sincerely, ZombiePie

Northern Californian SAG Representative

Moderator
Posted by Video_Game_King

@ZombiePie:

Dear Screen Actors Guild (or ),

I regret to inform you that this is an independent venture, and thus, you have no authority over its management and distribution. I have already spoken with NBC, and they are completely willing to pick Renegade Ego: Tactical Blogging Action for 22 episodes, along with a Hulu exclusive webisode. Rebellion is breeding within your ranks. The wave of the future has come. Besides, this is a blog, so your screen acting has no jurisdiction here.

Signed, Vincent Kinian IV,

Video Game King.

Posted by believer258
@Video_Game_King

@pyromagnestir said:

Was this one of those "A Very Special episode" type episodes where I'm supposed to learn something like "Drugs are bad!"?

Probably. There's a good chance I was high when I came up with the idea for this blog.

I don't know. Ask .

The long division of Natalie portman came from the credits picture at the end of the blog. Look at it, you might see what I saw.
Online
Posted by Aegon

WHAT THE FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU