Who would've thought the frustration factor would be so high?

Bloody Wolf

( I believe I went through a billion games before I reached these two.) Oh, and Firefox isn't making this any easier. I started with Elemental Gearbolt, but after realizing how impossible it is to beat the game (hard final boss, lack of checkpoints, low health, it's crap), I moved onto another game: Quake 64. That didn't work, either. JJ and Jeff looked good, until I realized that there were some literally impossible jumps littering the landscape of later lebledufvelbels. Then Ridge Racer 64, which I gave up on due to laziness and a touch of frustration. Finally, I arrived at Bloody Wolf, an old TurboGrafx-16 game that I've heard is really good. However, unlike every other case of this happening, Bloody Wolf turned out to be a surprisingly good game.
 
 He goes by many names, but you shall know him as Captain Obvious.
One reason I said the word "surprisingly" is because the story didn't lead me to believe it would be any good. Simple stuff: rescue the president, because this is an alternate world where people are smart enough to kidnap rather than kill high-ranking leaders. Other than that, sounds simple, right? Well, as soon as the actual game part begins, the plot takes so many twists and turns that the borders of the screen are constantly covered in vomit. Twist 1: just how badass you are. This has to be one of the most badass characters I've seen in a game (Vin Diesel's ass excluded, obviously (it was an ass, not a character)). He'll shoot people in the face at point-blank range, stab those who can't be shot, ride a motorcycle into hostile enemy territory, explode a person 900 feet into space (I know that's not the right distance, but THAT'S HOW BADASS HE IS!), and punch open boxes to get what he wants.
 
Knowing that he's so badass, twist 2 comes into play when you rescue the president: realizing his massive balls will weigh the rescue copter down, Thor the Asskicker decides to stay behind, meaning the second half of the game consists of you finding and rescuing Thor. If it seems like I'm being insistent with the story, keep in mind that I'm only doing this because the game was so insistent with its story. For a shooter, there's a lot of plot development and characterization, something I found incredibly weird. Then again, I probably shouldn't have found it to be too out of place, given that the game is (slightly) creative for its genre. For example, rather than picking either overhead or shooting, Bloody Wolf opts for both, combining them into an odd but tasty treat. Garnishing this blood-drenched Milky Way are streams of hostage-rescue peanut butter, little weapon nuts, vehicular nou...I'm gonna stop this candy analogy, it's making me hungry.
 
Besides, I think you get the point: there's a lot to be found in this game. The weapons include bazookas, flamethrowers, flash grenades, shotguns apparently stolen from the Contra universe, your own damn fists, your massive balls, and several others. They're all easy to use without any major quirks, but the only problem I have (and it's pretty petty) is the flamethrower, for some incredibly weird reason, is classified as a grenade weapon. I guess that's because it fires a continuous stream of fire at your opponents, but with turbo (which, need I remind you, is not only in the name of the damn console, but is also included on all controllers), all the not-shotguns are essentially flamethrowers with very tiny spaces. Oh, and for all shotguns, they're flamethrowers that spam half the screen with bullets.
 
 His parties are different from ours. Most of his guests leave the party on fire.
If you're starting to think that this game errs on the easy side, prepare to be disappointed. Or sexually aroused, I don't know you. What I do know is that the game is that perfect kind of difficult, even if the reasons for it can sometimes be utter bullshit. Perfect example: remember earlier, when I mentioned that there's a second half to the game? Unfortunately, the second protagonist is nowhere near the man Thor the Asskicker is, so he has to spend about half his time rescuing hostages. His only reward? A bunch of items with incredibly limited applications. Hell, you can't even use them, they just activate themselves when the time comes. Sort of seems lazy, especially since the rest of the game is so good (for the most part). Since I can't think of any other way to end this part of the blog, let me just wrap it up with the Vin Diesel's Ass Award for Excellence in Badassery.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Apparently, the protagonist of Bloody Wolf is a bad enough dude to rescue the president.
  • Unique gameplay elements with (mostly) great execution.
  • Seriously, this Thor the Asskicker is f'ing badass. Do no mess with him.
 
 
 
 
I really hope this turns into a mini-series unto itself. "Watch as people from Boston fail to pronounce the word 'Germany'!", or, "Can people from China correctly say 'Winnipeg'?"
 

 
 

Demon Sword

( Well, it seems I've finally bought a PS3.) Not only that, but my first game for it was Demon's Soul, an Atlus game where you-what's that? I never bought a PS3? Then what the hell was I playing? Demon Sword? That piece of crap? Get out of here, imaginary person I am addressing for very weak reasons! *he leaves, I think* That's better. Anyway, I guess I played Demon Sword, an NES game starring a ninja where you slice things a lot.
 
If that makes you think this is a good game people forgot over time, you're wrong; coincidentally, if your username happens to be "SJSchmidt93", congrats, for you're in the lead. What makes me not like this game so much? Well, as always, it starts with the story. Or it would if the game had a story, but alas, there doesn't seem to be any. You run through stages, waving your sword around like your enemies are robotic pinatas, on a quest to retrieve your mystical baseball (it flew into Old Man Ferguson's Spire of Malice, in case you're wondering). However, every time you come close to it, a random seagull steals it from you, prompting another round of the exact same crap. But even for a game with no story, it somehow manages to fail at its story for one reason: the final boss isn't the seagull. Really....Taito? Really? I can sort of understand the lack of story, sort of, but the lack of closure? REALLY!?
 
 Bird stole my ball!
I'd end the blog there and deprive you of closure on my opinion, but I wish to teach them a lesson by setting an example. Let us begin with the story...wait...fuck. What's that thing I go for after the story? Oh, right, gameplay. Again, for the most part, really lacking. You usually run from left to right, jumping to your destination because Mario is apparently a secret ninja, slashing the hell out of anything that gets in your way. That's all there is to the game. OK, so there are some levels where you go up/down, and there are some levels where you don't know where the fuck you're going, but for the most part, it's a game that could be beaten with a turbo controller and some duct tape. If not for the bosses. Mostly.
 
The bosses require a bit more than holding down right and the sword button; instead, you must use a cunning combination of remaining stationary and spamming shurikens until they're a tasty corpse sandwich, and damn it, I'm hungry again. Why am I always hungry? Hmmm.......Moving on, there is one complaint I really can't levy against the game, and it has nothing to do with the graphics or music or anything like that: I can't call the game unfinished. I know that sounds kinda weird, but it doesn't give off the type of rushed vibe that games like Brain Lord and Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly. Instead, Demon Sword seems to learn a bit as you progress through the stages, each one becoming a bit harder and every boss becoming a bit more creative. However, this alone doesn't work for two reasons: it never reaches what it should be aiming for, and (probably as a result of this) there are only four stages with two levels each. Let me put that in perspective: Super Mario Bros has 8 stages, each with 4 levels. That means Super Mario Bros is four times the game Demon Sword is. Pathetic. I'd give this game the Most Random Story Award, but it isn't finished yet. Besides, Phantom Brave is set to earn that reward, given the random crap I've been doing in that game.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Given that birds are constantly stealing his crap, the protagonist of Demon Sword is no Thor the Asskicker.
  • Though oddly enough, he comes close, but only because the entire game is so damn easy.
  • And short. Really, really short.
5 Comments
6 Comments
Posted by Video_Game_King

Bloody Wolf

( I believe I went through a billion games before I reached these two.) Oh, and Firefox isn't making this any easier. I started with Elemental Gearbolt, but after realizing how impossible it is to beat the game (hard final boss, lack of checkpoints, low health, it's crap), I moved onto another game: Quake 64. That didn't work, either. JJ and Jeff looked good, until I realized that there were some literally impossible jumps littering the landscape of later lebledufvelbels. Then Ridge Racer 64, which I gave up on due to laziness and a touch of frustration. Finally, I arrived at Bloody Wolf, an old TurboGrafx-16 game that I've heard is really good. However, unlike every other case of this happening, Bloody Wolf turned out to be a surprisingly good game.
 
 He goes by many names, but you shall know him as Captain Obvious.
One reason I said the word "surprisingly" is because the story didn't lead me to believe it would be any good. Simple stuff: rescue the president, because this is an alternate world where people are smart enough to kidnap rather than kill high-ranking leaders. Other than that, sounds simple, right? Well, as soon as the actual game part begins, the plot takes so many twists and turns that the borders of the screen are constantly covered in vomit. Twist 1: just how badass you are. This has to be one of the most badass characters I've seen in a game (Vin Diesel's ass excluded, obviously (it was an ass, not a character)). He'll shoot people in the face at point-blank range, stab those who can't be shot, ride a motorcycle into hostile enemy territory, explode a person 900 feet into space (I know that's not the right distance, but THAT'S HOW BADASS HE IS!), and punch open boxes to get what he wants.
 
Knowing that he's so badass, twist 2 comes into play when you rescue the president: realizing his massive balls will weigh the rescue copter down, Thor the Asskicker decides to stay behind, meaning the second half of the game consists of you finding and rescuing Thor. If it seems like I'm being insistent with the story, keep in mind that I'm only doing this because the game was so insistent with its story. For a shooter, there's a lot of plot development and characterization, something I found incredibly weird. Then again, I probably shouldn't have found it to be too out of place, given that the game is (slightly) creative for its genre. For example, rather than picking either overhead or shooting, Bloody Wolf opts for both, combining them into an odd but tasty treat. Garnishing this blood-drenched Milky Way are streams of hostage-rescue peanut butter, little weapon nuts, vehicular nou...I'm gonna stop this candy analogy, it's making me hungry.
 
Besides, I think you get the point: there's a lot to be found in this game. The weapons include bazookas, flamethrowers, flash grenades, shotguns apparently stolen from the Contra universe, your own damn fists, your massive balls, and several others. They're all easy to use without any major quirks, but the only problem I have (and it's pretty petty) is the flamethrower, for some incredibly weird reason, is classified as a grenade weapon. I guess that's because it fires a continuous stream of fire at your opponents, but with turbo (which, need I remind you, is not only in the name of the damn console, but is also included on all controllers), all the not-shotguns are essentially flamethrowers with very tiny spaces. Oh, and for all shotguns, they're flamethrowers that spam half the screen with bullets.
 
 His parties are different from ours. Most of his guests leave the party on fire.
If you're starting to think that this game errs on the easy side, prepare to be disappointed. Or sexually aroused, I don't know you. What I do know is that the game is that perfect kind of difficult, even if the reasons for it can sometimes be utter bullshit. Perfect example: remember earlier, when I mentioned that there's a second half to the game? Unfortunately, the second protagonist is nowhere near the man Thor the Asskicker is, so he has to spend about half his time rescuing hostages. His only reward? A bunch of items with incredibly limited applications. Hell, you can't even use them, they just activate themselves when the time comes. Sort of seems lazy, especially since the rest of the game is so good (for the most part). Since I can't think of any other way to end this part of the blog, let me just wrap it up with the Vin Diesel's Ass Award for Excellence in Badassery.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Apparently, the protagonist of Bloody Wolf is a bad enough dude to rescue the president.
  • Unique gameplay elements with (mostly) great execution.
  • Seriously, this Thor the Asskicker is f'ing badass. Do no mess with him.
 
 
 
 
I really hope this turns into a mini-series unto itself. "Watch as people from Boston fail to pronounce the word 'Germany'!", or, "Can people from China correctly say 'Winnipeg'?"
 

 
 

Demon Sword

( Well, it seems I've finally bought a PS3.) Not only that, but my first game for it was Demon's Soul, an Atlus game where you-what's that? I never bought a PS3? Then what the hell was I playing? Demon Sword? That piece of crap? Get out of here, imaginary person I am addressing for very weak reasons! *he leaves, I think* That's better. Anyway, I guess I played Demon Sword, an NES game starring a ninja where you slice things a lot.
 
If that makes you think this is a good game people forgot over time, you're wrong; coincidentally, if your username happens to be "SJSchmidt93", congrats, for you're in the lead. What makes me not like this game so much? Well, as always, it starts with the story. Or it would if the game had a story, but alas, there doesn't seem to be any. You run through stages, waving your sword around like your enemies are robotic pinatas, on a quest to retrieve your mystical baseball (it flew into Old Man Ferguson's Spire of Malice, in case you're wondering). However, every time you come close to it, a random seagull steals it from you, prompting another round of the exact same crap. But even for a game with no story, it somehow manages to fail at its story for one reason: the final boss isn't the seagull. Really....Taito? Really? I can sort of understand the lack of story, sort of, but the lack of closure? REALLY!?
 
 Bird stole my ball!
I'd end the blog there and deprive you of closure on my opinion, but I wish to teach them a lesson by setting an example. Let us begin with the story...wait...fuck. What's that thing I go for after the story? Oh, right, gameplay. Again, for the most part, really lacking. You usually run from left to right, jumping to your destination because Mario is apparently a secret ninja, slashing the hell out of anything that gets in your way. That's all there is to the game. OK, so there are some levels where you go up/down, and there are some levels where you don't know where the fuck you're going, but for the most part, it's a game that could be beaten with a turbo controller and some duct tape. If not for the bosses. Mostly.
 
The bosses require a bit more than holding down right and the sword button; instead, you must use a cunning combination of remaining stationary and spamming shurikens until they're a tasty corpse sandwich, and damn it, I'm hungry again. Why am I always hungry? Hmmm.......Moving on, there is one complaint I really can't levy against the game, and it has nothing to do with the graphics or music or anything like that: I can't call the game unfinished. I know that sounds kinda weird, but it doesn't give off the type of rushed vibe that games like Brain Lord and Spyro: Enter the Dragonfly. Instead, Demon Sword seems to learn a bit as you progress through the stages, each one becoming a bit harder and every boss becoming a bit more creative. However, this alone doesn't work for two reasons: it never reaches what it should be aiming for, and (probably as a result of this) there are only four stages with two levels each. Let me put that in perspective: Super Mario Bros has 8 stages, each with 4 levels. That means Super Mario Bros is four times the game Demon Sword is. Pathetic. I'd give this game the Most Random Story Award, but it isn't finished yet. Besides, Phantom Brave is set to earn that reward, given the random crap I've been doing in that game.
 

Review Synopsis

  • Given that birds are constantly stealing his crap, the protagonist of Demon Sword is no Thor the Asskicker.
  • Though oddly enough, he comes close, but only because the entire game is so damn easy.
  • And short. Really, really short.
Posted by DuhQbnSiLo

what?

Posted by Video_Game_King

As in "I did not expect this blog to be full of so much frustration."

Posted by ArbitraryWater

Whoa. For a second there I thought you were actually going to review Demon's Souls. Oh well. I understand that if you want frustration that game has it in plentiful supply.

Posted by AgentJ

I would have thought the frustration factor would be that high

Posted by Video_Game_King
@ArbitraryWater: 
 
After Devil Survivor, I've had enough frustration. (And the fight begins anew! *evil laugh*)
 
@AgentJ:
 
Well, then, you're the only one, apparently :P.