By Video_Game_King 14 Comments
Konami Wai Wai World( Why the hell isn't this more well known?) OK, I'm aware that it was released only in Japan for the NES, and that I'm one of two people in the world who still give a shit about stuff like this. The other person? I don't know who they are, that's how little people care about these games. Shame on the rest of you for not caring about such an awesome game with a weird name, because it rocks.
In case you're trying to figure out what the title means, don't; I'm guessing it means "Why? Why aren't you playing this game?", but then I remembered that this game wasn't made for an English audience. It was made for people who love Konami a helluva lot, which at least explains the Konami part of the title. That just leaves the "world" part. Here's the story: there isn't really any sort of story. You start off as Konami Man and Konami Girl (they're both (completely identical) robots, so I don't understand the difference in age), and your mission is to rescue all your Konami friends from imprisonment. I'm not exactly sure why they were locked up, and I can't think of any reasons. What did Simon Belmont do to end up in jail? Simon's Quest wasn't that bad, was it? And why's Ganbare Goemon locked up? Wait, who's Ganbare Goemon? And who the hell are Mikey and Getsu Fuma? I'd also ask why I'm asking so many questions, but I already know the answer to that question: because this game is confusing as hell. Just look at the character cast....that I didn't mention yet. King Kong (called DK, because the fans who translated this game are morons) and the Moai Heads from Gradius, but no Solid Snake, Ninja Turtles or Contra Guy? I know that it was made for Japan, but that doesn't exactly excuse not including such major characters.
OK, I can actually understand why Contra Guy's not in there: most of the characters only shoot with their special attacks, and Contra Guy obviously never learned the Three-Punch Knockout of Solid Snake fame. Everybody else, however, knows how to attack at close range: punch or hit with weapon. Special attacks, however, are another thing. You have to press down and A to activate your special weapon, something the game never tells you. In fact, now that I think about it, Wai Wai World leaves you in the dark about EVERYTHING. Like Mega Man, you can pick any level you want right from the beginning and go in your own order; unlike Mega Man, however, you'll eventually find that you need to go in a very precise order if you ever want to finish it. Oh, and that "it" doesn't refer to the levels (even though it does); I'm talking about the whole game. Take, for example, the King Kong level: if you want to see the big ape throw turds in the most perfect way possible, then you better summon the power of the Goonies, although oddly not in the way you're thinking.
That's the thing about Wai Wai World: every character has some weird function or whatever, like the Konami-bots flying, Getsu breaking blocks that one time, and Mikey Walsh being short. No, that's actually his special ability. Shame, too, since everything other character kicks enough ass to make prostate cancer a thing of the past. And it's not like there's a lot of overlap between the characters in how they ass-kick; besides the "why two characters?" robots, everybody has their own unique way of killing things, like the turd thing I mentioned before. I think that it's appropriate that in the fourth paragraph, I mention that this is a platformer with some Metroidvania sprinklings. No, I'm not talking about Simon Belmont whipping Metroid-esque enemies, but something I said earlier: the fact that you have to search for everything in this game. Characters, weapons, special stat things, EVERYTHING. Nothing is simply given to you, which is why I've heard people whine that the game's hard. They're mostly wrong, since I didn't see any actual difficulty with the platforming parts, but I can see their whiny point. Progression's kinda trial and error, you can't change characters on stairs, all the levels are from that one scene in Rocky, the Twinbee final level is glitchy as hell...Why do I like this game again? Oh, right, Crossover Award. I love crossovers.
- Wow, the character cast is weird/fun as hell, even without SNAAAAAAAAKKKKKEEEEE.
- Go to the Castlevania stage first; Simon Belmont's very familiar with Metroidvania gameplay.
- It only gets weirder/better as it goes.
I know that this is up on The Escapist page, but I got a private email for it, so shut up. Anyway, are Yahtzee and I actually agreeing on something? What? Granted, I'm a bit more pessimistic on it (both parties can agree on their hatred of video games, neither of us can deliver any change, the anti-gamers have " experts" on their side), but still, we both agree on this one issue. Let our powers UNITE!
Mickey's Ultimate Challenge( Why are you looking at me like that?) Why aren't you looking at the title? Ultimate Challenge. I can't deny an ultimate challenge. I realize how masochistic that sounds, but how else will I prove my worth as a gamer if I don't complete his Ultimate Challenge? *plays game* I answered that question: by doing anything else. There's nothing ultimate about this game. Should've remembered Rule 1 of Mickey Mouse Games: Mickey Mouse is an asshole. Also, he's a Nazi, judging by this song. Like an actual "we'll spread our Nazi flag across new lands" Nazi.
Unfortunately, the Ultimate Challenge doesn't follow through with the Mickey Mouse Design, and does not employ Rule 2: Pete must die. Either that, or the game follows the rule so closely that they killed Pete before the game began. The game begins with Mickey (just Mickey) reading fairly tales. That doesn't explain why he's not wearing any pants. My first guess was that he only calls them fairy tales because there's a girl and seven dwarfs, but then he had the gall to fall asleep. I'm not sure what type of porn puts somebody to sleep, so I'm forced to assume that Mickey doesn't know how to read porn. Anyway, Mickey then finds himself in the land of "what-I-just-read" based dreams, again proving that he doesn't know how to read porn. Not a boob nor labia to be seen for miles. The most exciting thing in the plot is the series of random earthquakes regularly plaguing the area. Turns out that it's a snoring giant in the clouds, everything making about as much sense as Mickey solving the problem by waking him up: perfect sense. Also, waking up the giant ends the dream, so I guess Mickey is the giant? Sorry if I spoiled the whole plot for you, but it is actually that brief. I finished this game in half an hour; I'm sure that there are Atari games that took me longer than that.
You know what else this game shares with Atari games? Use of logic so spurious that Glenn Beck's taking lessons from it, and not just because it's edutainment. Yes, it's edutainment, but more on that later; if I wanted to make a logical transition, I probably wouldn't have started this paragraph by calling the game illogical. As I'll say later on, you tackle a variety of puzzles (five), each with their own reward. Too bad the rewards never match up with what you were doing. Take, for example, Goofy's Mastermind variant that reminds me how much I suck at Mastermind. After guessing the contents of his toolbox in the exact order they're in there, Goofy gives you a hammer. You'd think that he'd hold onto that type of thing, given the whole blacksmith thing he's rocking at the time, but whatever, I'll go with it. So what do I give him in return later on? Gold? Why would he need gold? It's bad enough that JRPGs have gold weapons all over the place; he doesn't need you reinforcing this stupid belief, Mickey. I know that this isn't the best example I could use, but trust me, that's a good thing. Do you want to know what you get for playing a matching game with Daisy Duck?
Wait, remember when I said that this was an educational title? Turns out that that's mostly a load of shit. Of the five puzzles I encountered in the game, only one had any type of educational value, and they somehow managed to fuck that up, too. You have to arrange some books in alphabetical order, but somebody forgot about 20 letters, and they weren't the last 20. It may not sound like a big deal, but it's easy to be thrown off when you can't find A, and the first letter you need is G, for some reason. Also, there are platforming elements, because the game would just be too easy for little kids if it was just arranging letters they're not familiar with. Other than that, nothing's really educational. It's just a series of generic mini-games you've seen before, only those other places did it better, somehow. There's not much else to say about the game other than the music/graphics suck and that you get two jump buttons, for whatever reason. I'd give it the Briefest Game Blog Award, but I write four paragraph blogs all the time, so fuck it; I'm giving it the "Mickey Mouse" Award instead. Those quotes are necessary, if you catch my drift. *creepy ass wink*
- Nothing about this story makes sense. What fairy tales do people read while not wearing pants?
- I'm not sure that a shitty Simon clone counts as educational.
- Somehow, I managed to stretch a 30 minute experience over four paragraphs.