Neon Genesis Evangelion

(こんにちは, bitches.) This week, I come to you with an anime themed blog, because themed blogs are infinitely easier to title than other blogs. Unfortunately, I don't think I've ever seen the animes in question, meaning at best, I can only give you vague ideas of how they connect to the source material. Also, at least one person will probably yell at me for this. Yea...I didn't think this out too well. Just like the developers of this game! Turns out that in trying to make it like the anime so damn much, they forgot to make a decent game part of their video game.

Though that's not to say it's entirely worthless. After all, if you're a fan of the show, I imagine you'll like it a lot. Unfortunately, I'm not a fan of the show, and everything is in Japanese, meaning I have no idea what's going on half the time. Robots beat things up, act stupid, Shinji yells a lot, and that's about it. For some reason, that sounds like an accurate description of the show, and for no reason, it makes me want to watch it. I know that sounds weird, but it does. The visual style is pretty cool, what with the robots being fairly organic and everything (even when it backfires, like in the previous video), and it has some pretty cool moments. I know that sounds weird coming hot off the heels of a robot howling at....something, but look at this. It's just fun to watch and makes the game enjoyable. In fact, the animes are the best part of this game (even though it can look shit half the time), which should be a good indication of where things go from here.

But what about the game part? Well, not only is it not very good, but it's very hard to describe, since it can't decide on what type of game it wants to be. It's like the lead game designer was too much a pussy to tell people their ideas couldn't be in this game. So, like my girly blog of oh so long ago, I'll break it up into what I can remember, but this time, it'll be ordered by importance! First up:

Fighting Segments!

OK, this constitutes about 40%ish percent of the game, so you'd expect it to be worthwhile. Not even close. Fighting games live by two things: a wide variety of moves and tight, precise controls. Neon Genesis Evangelion has neither. You're limited to about two moves, and only one of them is useful (except in one level, where it's the exact opposite). So most battles devolve into mechs trying to hug each other and backing the hell away when they blatantly telegraph this. Good thing, too, because the controls are more sluggish than France. Tell Shinji/Asuka/Rei (possibly) to stab a mech and they'll give it some thought while the weremechs of the night approach. Then they'll freak the fuck out and scream them to death. I wish that could make up for the flaws, but it doesn't. Speaking of flaws...

Shitty Quick Time Events!

To be fair, though, the game does introduce some variety with the QTEs, but I still didn't find them terribly enjoyable. First up is the semi traditional "PRESS THIS BUTTON NOW" type. Why the semi? WATCH OUT, THAT SEMI IS ABOUT TO RUN YOUR ASS OVER!!! Uh, I mean "because it's a button and a direction". Nothing too offensive, but the reaction time on these things is so quick that I'm certain the developers have some type of vendetta against psychics. But what about those other QTEs? These function more like a rhythm mini-game: press these buttons before time runs out while music is playing. Sounds serviceable enough, but unfortunately, it is. I can't think of any major faults with it. I can't think of anything terribly exciting about these sections, either, but in this game, you take what you can get, like...

Holding Z Sometimes!

There are two levels dedicated to this: one has you hold Z twice, while another has you hold Z thrice while pressing other buttons. Riveting. Now there's more to be found in this game, but a lot of it is very one-note (IE I can only note one time it appears in the game) and I believe I got my point across: the gameplay's weak, and I don't think the developers could give two Shinjis either way. I suggest you do the same.

Review Synopsis

• I have to admit that this did get me slightly pumped for the anime...
• ...despite it being twelve different games and none of them being any good.
• To make up for it, here's two robots fucking.

My god! They've weaponized ham! I thought bitch was the limit!

Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon R

(Up next in this poorly conceived anime line up is Sailor Moon!) Now unlike Neon Genesis Evangelion, I may have once seen an episode of Sailor Moon, maybe. It's been so long that I can't remember a damn thing. A rabbit girl summons moon power to beat people up, and for some reason, that's all I can remember. Probably would have helped, though, if I could remember literally anything else, given how confusing this game is.

In fact, I think that's the game's priority, since from the very beginning, I don't understand a damn thing. Sailor Moon's living the life of a normal Japanese youth, which involves her future daughter brainwashing Sailor Moon's family, for reasons probably explained in the show. Then the Black Crystal Gang is going to steal something or do something that also happens to involve a confusing word salad, thereby forcing Sailor Moon to go Sailor Moon. Then there are other Sailors who represent other parts of the Solar System, but don't really get mentioned in the story. Now does that seem disjointed and difficult to understand? That's not my fault, for once: that's literally how the game handles things.

Think it gets better in the actual game? WRONG. Here's a listing of the stages in the game, nothing abridged: first is the school cultural festival, which immediately becomes Batman Returns for reasons unclear. Next up is a generic fantasy setting where gnomes jack off in the background. Then Crystal Tokyo, and finally, space, because if you're going to give up your stockpile of fucks, you might as well do it in style. All the while, some fuck in a mask says things at me, which I guess constitutes a plot. That probably explains why there isn't any to speak of anywhere else. I know I shouldn't be complaining about the crap story, since a lot of games have them, but whenever it does have a story, it at least feels like it's trying to be the anime. So if they put that much effort into making it feel like an anime, why did they give up when it came time to write a cohesive story to join it all together? Or is that what the show was like in general? That shouldn't really surprise me.

Just as it shouldn't surprise you that this game isn't that good. It's not bad, though; it's average. Really, really, really average. In fact, all I have to do is tell you that it's a beat-em-up and you'll know exactly what it's like. You beat people up and then do that again. Stretch it over four stages, and you have Pretty Girl Knight Sailor Moon R. Not that I'm insulting it or anything. Beating people up is always fun, and the game at least tries to build on that. You have some OKish enemy variety, five Sailors to choose from (and one mini-Sailor who makes the game super goddamn easy), a grading system, for some reason, and some other stuff! What more could you ask for? Quite a bit, actually. No matter who you choose, you only get three or four moves, depending on how you look at things, and the game edges a bit on the easy side. True, it is easy for whatever-the-hell-these-things-are to corner you and smack your ass about, but you're still going to blow through this thing in about a day. Still, there are worse ways to spend that day. *points above*

Review Synopsis

• This game makes absolutely no sense, and not in a good way .
• Imagine if Streets of Rage had more Japanese schoolgirls. You're probably imagining Streets of Rage 3, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.