I've often considered that writing is a lot like making love to a maple tree. The harder you try to force yourself the more and more slivers your going to get, but if you try to get that tree to sap,your going to have to work you magic. You see when writing anything it's always best to start off with a little gentle rubbing (your temples not "that" you dirty devil).

So you decided to write.

Writing like having  some sweet passionate encounters with foliage it is often best to have a personal plan of action. If you just go at that fine piece of green tail thrusting, or forcing your pen on paper all your going to end up with is a bent utensil. So I'll list some steps, look I'll be nice and prepare an example:

1. Mention how writing and having sex with trees are virtually the same thing
2. Try to get people to realize the metaphor is a sound one
3. Finish writing.

You see that is all it takes, a list is basically what gives the human being the ability to have multiple tasks laid out numerically.

How will I find a topic?

Topics are hard to come by so like always just find out the thing that makes you the most angry or horny. Those are the two emotions (or physical stirrings) that have lead to some of the greatest works of art such as the Mona Lisa or Make Lisa Moan: Anal Edition. Once you have come up with something that enrages you or engages you, you are ready.

I've started writing but, your guidelines are not very good what now?

First off try not blaming me you ungrateful jerk second remember to force out words to the best of your ability. We all know that employers do not want people who write thoughtful sentence, they want a bunch of words in any order regardless of legibility. If you cannot force a noun or even a verb on a paper take a short break and remember that everything your parents said about how worthless and stupid you are is probably true.

I'm done and I now want to bear your children!

Wow hold on their tiger, you are most certainly not done. You have to check your work, and make sure there isn't any errors (basically just run spell check). After that you should celebrate, you have successfully created something that you don't have to care about and feed unlike a child. Your ready for anything now your a writer and by god do you deserve an honest to goodness round of applause.

Remember if you still in it to win it try writing something else, or smoking marijuana because as we all know marijuana is like smoking imagination.

DISCLAIMER: I do not have any experience writing, or even using the English language.