This Why We Can't Have Nice Things on Amazon

Did you know that Amazon sells overpriced grocery and gourmet food products? Well the internet did and quickly abused the user review system for these products. For example take the one star reviews for Tuscan Whole Milk:






  The creativity of the internet never ceases to amaze me....

 Here's the first one star review and it's the most notable, though it is a long one:

I come here today to warn you about Tuscan Milk.

I was friends with Tuscan Milk (aka - TM) for a long time and I'll always remember the good times - Frisbee golf in the park, picking up chicks in the 7-11 parking lot and watching horror movies were our favorite activities.

As we passed through our late teens and went to college, TM took off on a different path that would change our lives forever. I remember TM coming into class, eyes the size of pin points, sweating profusely and feverishly scratching his handle. TM started wearing long sleeve shirts, even in the middle of the summer and my friends and I, somewhat bewildered, became increasingly concerned.

Then one day, TM disappeared. Strangely, my car stereo, turntables and VCR were gone as well. We tried calling TM's cell phone, it was shut off. We tried TM's parents' house, they hadn't seen him either.

Noone heard from or saw TM for a year and a half until one day, my roommate Rinaldo paged me with '911' and I had a feeling I knew what it was about. I called Rinaldo and he excitedly told me about how he saw TM just a few miles away from our house and he was going to pick me up momentarily. I jumped in the car and Rinaldo turned off his stereo which had been pumping 'Pure Ecstasy - Trance Hits Volume 3' and then I knew things were serious. He loved that CD.

We descended the hill leading from our house to downtown and took a right turn into what was widely known as a very rough area rife with gangs, drug sales, prostitution and violent crime. I asked Rinaldo where we were going and he just looked at me, stone faced, and kept driving.

We made a left onto 15th street and gradually came to a stop. Rinaldo glanced over at me, then out his window and then I saw him. TM, leaning on a grocery cart full of bags of aluminum cans, his cap halfway off and label faded and torn, looking absolutely beat to death.

Rinaldo and I jumped out of the car and ran over to TM, who stared at us blankly and stood from leaning on the cart.

"Five dollars.", TM said. "Anything you want for five dollars."

Rinaldo and I looked at each other, confused, then focused back on TM. I reached in my pocket and pulled our five dollars, handing it to him.

"A'ight. Come with me.", TM said.

Rinaldo and I looked at each other and shrugged, then followed TM. He lead us down an alley way, where he looked over his shoulder at us, then leaned forward, his cap off, onto a dumpster. Rinaldo and I knew at that moment what things had come to for TM. He glared us while we stood there, shocked, and said "What? You not ready yet? Fine. I'll be right back."

TM replaced his cap and walked around the corner. Moments later we heard a ruckus following by the sound of a slight spill and we knew what had happened. Rinaldo and I waited a few minutes before walking around the corner, only to find TM lying on the ground, a 1/4 of the way spilled on the pavement, with a very small manilla envelope with 'NBA' stamped on it lying next to him.

We loaded TM into Rinaldo's car and took him to the Emergency Room where we waited for what seemed like days. Eventually, a doctor emerged from behind the ER doors only to tell us that TM, after struggling with a nurse, took off out the back door of the hospital.

That was the last time we saw TM.

Rinaldo and I arrived at home and decided to look TM up on our city's criminal offender database and were shocked at what we found. TM had been arrested over 3 dozen times in the last year and a half for everything ranging from drug possession, robbery, kidnapping and forgery to what shocked us the most - aggrivated sexual assault (see the customer images section for proof).

We looked at court documents for several of TM's cases and found that most of the time he was arrested after being found slumped against a building or in an alley, a needle sticking out of his handle, heavily under the influence of heroin.

It all made sense now. The eyes, the sweating, the scratching... the prostitution. It was clear at that point that TM would never be the jolly gallon of milk we once loved and cherished as a trusted and valued friend.

Upon finding TM here on Amazon, I felt it was necessary to warn you that TM is a dangerous, unpredictable individual who, as is clearly evident, is more than willing to sell himself...likely to support his heroin habit.

Rinaldo, myself and the rest of TM's old friends still care about him and don't want to hear about him on the news - overdosed or violently killed - so I ask you - please do not purchase Tuscan Milk. You are contributing to furthering the downfall of someone who was once a friendly, optimistic, bright white gallon of goodness.. but has since become a monster and threat to others and himself.

Don't buy Tuscan Milk. Please. 

12 Comments
12 Comments
Posted by ZombiePie

Did you know that Amazon sells overpriced grocery and gourmet food products? Well the internet did and quickly abused the user review system for these products. For example take the one star reviews for Tuscan Whole Milk:






  The creativity of the internet never ceases to amaze me....

 Here's the first one star review and it's the most notable, though it is a long one:

I come here today to warn you about Tuscan Milk.

I was friends with Tuscan Milk (aka - TM) for a long time and I'll always remember the good times - Frisbee golf in the park, picking up chicks in the 7-11 parking lot and watching horror movies were our favorite activities.

As we passed through our late teens and went to college, TM took off on a different path that would change our lives forever. I remember TM coming into class, eyes the size of pin points, sweating profusely and feverishly scratching his handle. TM started wearing long sleeve shirts, even in the middle of the summer and my friends and I, somewhat bewildered, became increasingly concerned.

Then one day, TM disappeared. Strangely, my car stereo, turntables and VCR were gone as well. We tried calling TM's cell phone, it was shut off. We tried TM's parents' house, they hadn't seen him either.

Noone heard from or saw TM for a year and a half until one day, my roommate Rinaldo paged me with '911' and I had a feeling I knew what it was about. I called Rinaldo and he excitedly told me about how he saw TM just a few miles away from our house and he was going to pick me up momentarily. I jumped in the car and Rinaldo turned off his stereo which had been pumping 'Pure Ecstasy - Trance Hits Volume 3' and then I knew things were serious. He loved that CD.

We descended the hill leading from our house to downtown and took a right turn into what was widely known as a very rough area rife with gangs, drug sales, prostitution and violent crime. I asked Rinaldo where we were going and he just looked at me, stone faced, and kept driving.

We made a left onto 15th street and gradually came to a stop. Rinaldo glanced over at me, then out his window and then I saw him. TM, leaning on a grocery cart full of bags of aluminum cans, his cap halfway off and label faded and torn, looking absolutely beat to death.

Rinaldo and I jumped out of the car and ran over to TM, who stared at us blankly and stood from leaning on the cart.

"Five dollars.", TM said. "Anything you want for five dollars."

Rinaldo and I looked at each other, confused, then focused back on TM. I reached in my pocket and pulled our five dollars, handing it to him.

"A'ight. Come with me.", TM said.

Rinaldo and I looked at each other and shrugged, then followed TM. He lead us down an alley way, where he looked over his shoulder at us, then leaned forward, his cap off, onto a dumpster. Rinaldo and I knew at that moment what things had come to for TM. He glared us while we stood there, shocked, and said "What? You not ready yet? Fine. I'll be right back."

TM replaced his cap and walked around the corner. Moments later we heard a ruckus following by the sound of a slight spill and we knew what had happened. Rinaldo and I waited a few minutes before walking around the corner, only to find TM lying on the ground, a 1/4 of the way spilled on the pavement, with a very small manilla envelope with 'NBA' stamped on it lying next to him.

We loaded TM into Rinaldo's car and took him to the Emergency Room where we waited for what seemed like days. Eventually, a doctor emerged from behind the ER doors only to tell us that TM, after struggling with a nurse, took off out the back door of the hospital.

That was the last time we saw TM.

Rinaldo and I arrived at home and decided to look TM up on our city's criminal offender database and were shocked at what we found. TM had been arrested over 3 dozen times in the last year and a half for everything ranging from drug possession, robbery, kidnapping and forgery to what shocked us the most - aggrivated sexual assault (see the customer images section for proof).

We looked at court documents for several of TM's cases and found that most of the time he was arrested after being found slumped against a building or in an alley, a needle sticking out of his handle, heavily under the influence of heroin.

It all made sense now. The eyes, the sweating, the scratching... the prostitution. It was clear at that point that TM would never be the jolly gallon of milk we once loved and cherished as a trusted and valued friend.

Upon finding TM here on Amazon, I felt it was necessary to warn you that TM is a dangerous, unpredictable individual who, as is clearly evident, is more than willing to sell himself...likely to support his heroin habit.

Rinaldo, myself and the rest of TM's old friends still care about him and don't want to hear about him on the news - overdosed or violently killed - so I ask you - please do not purchase Tuscan Milk. You are contributing to furthering the downfall of someone who was once a friendly, optimistic, bright white gallon of goodness.. but has since become a monster and threat to others and himself.

Don't buy Tuscan Milk. Please. 

Moderator
Posted by SMTDante89

Gotta love when people abuse Amazon reviews for a few good laughs.

Posted by A_Cute_Squirtle

Absolutely insane. I can't fathom how these things start. 

Posted by ArbitraryWater

Wow. Amazing. Personally, some of my favorites are in the actual listings for said milk product
 

When it comes to milk, the old adage is true. You get what you pay for. If you want milk that tastes like a cow pissed in a bucket, then by all means purchase the other milk products listed here. But if you want milk that has been extracted from the nipples of the Queen of all cows, the rare miniature Himalayan mice-cow that is no larger than a hamster and lives in the caves high above Afghanistan then your only option is to buy from us. We are the only certified vendor of miniature Himalayan mice-cow nectar and we won't bribe you to buy our milk by promising to bake cookies for you. Honestly, if you're the type of person who bakes your own cookies, you're probably not good enough for this milk. Most people can't appreciate the intricacies of miniature Himalayan mice-cow nectar, let alone afford it. Each gallon takes years to extract by hand and we have to pay our milker's a lot because milking a mice-cow is a painful, complicated process that we don't even want to go into. Your purchase comes with a certificate of authenticity and 10% of the proceeds are donated to saving the rapidly diminishing population of mice-cows. If we don't act fast, they will be gone forever. Think about that when you consider purchasing milk from the overpopulated regular cow breeds and how your purchase is contributing to the degradation of society.

How much? Only $2,500.00
 
Or perhaps this one? 
 

Includes live cow on front porch for the duration of milk delivery. May include sound of one or more "moo" noises. After delivery I'll enter your home to bake you a delicious batch of chocolate chip cookies.

Also for a mere $2,500.00. 
 
But of course, if you spend $10,000.00 of your own money on a delicious milk product you get the goods
 

Hand delivered by a real Tusken (Tuscan) cattle herdsman. May not actually be from Afghanistan due to war effort making it very dangerous to obtain. Dust cover missing. Some scratches on front, but contents are scratch free

So, in conclusion: Oh the internet.
Posted by MarkWahlberg

There are over 1200 reviews (dating back from several years ago). The 'most helpful' is a parody of The Raven. 
 
If people put half as much effort into doing actual shit as they do into being hilarious on the internet, we'd have a moon colony already. Still, I think we can live with this instead.

Posted by Red12b
@MarkWahlberg said:
" There are over 1200 reviews (dating back from several years ago). The 'most helpful' is a parody of The Raven.  If people put half as much effort into doing actual shit as they do into being hilarious on the internet, we'd have a moon colony already. Still, I think we can live with this instead. "
tbh I'd prefer a moon base...
Posted by Yummylee

So let me just make one thing clear... they're reviewing milk??

Posted by HT101

Thanks for finding this and sharing it with us.  I love the thought people put into this and needed a laugh after my Chiefs stunk up the field today against the Ravens.

Posted by Tactical_Kill
Edited by pekoe212

What I love is that they're not just making fun of the product, they're making fun of many of the idiotic user reviews that lack any common sense. Complaining about the package not informing them that "milk is perishable" for example.  Also, look at the "Customers who bought this also bought this section." So wait, people actually BOUGHT the milk?....and a geiger counter???
 
What i hate is when people give a product one star because Amazon messed up their shipping or something. That' s so helpful.

Posted by Tebbit

I lost it at "(even without overclocking)" 
 
Everything after that was a bonus.

Posted by lordbazuco

thank you for this. it has been the highlight of my day