Samurai Warriors: Katana

 Introduction

            Imagine if you will that a bland hack n’ slash game hooks up with a rail shooter and has a retarded flipper baby.  If only one word could be used to describe Samurai Warriors Katana then ‘retarded’ would be that word.  Despite the fact that developer KOEI has never been known to stray from the path, there are a few big changes--namely that this title should be able to deter both Dynasty/Samurai warrior diehards and KOEI haters alike.

            Please don’t think that the idea of a first person sword/bow/melee weapon/board-with-a-nail-sticking-out-of-it game is inherently a bad idea.  In fact, if done well, it could be an excellent sword fighting simulator.  Unfortunately, KOEI is really not the company to do it.  Maybe a company with lots of experience with quality hack n’ slash games like Capcom, or a company with extensive first person experience like Infinity Ward, or someone who knows the hardware a little better, like Nintendo themselves.

            Ultimately, when Nintendo puts out a system with a quirky control scheme, plenty of bad games are going to come out until people learn how to make games for the control scheme effectively.  Lets chock this one up to a learning experience and try to forget it ever happened.

Pros

 - Makes a lovely coaster

 - Thanks to Gamefly, I didn’t have to pay for it.

Cons

 - Graphics are early to mid PS2 quality even at 480p

 - Sounds are repetitive and constantly recycled

 - A.I. makes someone with Down Syndrome look like Stephen Hawking

 - Controls are about as deep as Paris Hilton

 - Character Shifting—is Nobunaga Satan’s third cousin or Japan’s savior?  Pick one and stick with it, KOEI!!!!!

 - Voice acting is the same or a little worse than the original Samurai Warriors

 - No Cutscenes—all “plot” is furthered by voice over against still images

 - No create a character, no select a character, in fact you don’t even get a real character

 - Horrendously reused character models.  Even you look like the bland rank & file soldiers you slaughter by the dozen.

 - Enemy placement, map design, and movement blocking make the game feel like a staged county fair funhouse even by rail game standards

 - Pacing makes the game feel about as action packed as a Merchant-Ivory film

 - Wii-mote waggling will start to hurt your wrist after about half an hour

Bottom Line

            This game sucks.  After the first 40 minutes (30 playing, 10 taking a break so my wrist would stop hurting)  it was ultimately a chore to play with little to no reward and every reason to just say “fuck this” and put the game through a trash compactor.  Most die hard KOEI fans wont listen to reason and will pick up the game anyway.  Ultimately though if you insist on a fun way to give yourself Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, just stick to chronic masturbation.

D-

Head Asplode? - No. Don’t Rent. Don’t Buy. Don’t Bother