Solid Snake

Christmas time is here once again, and as you guys have noticed, I've been preaching the evils of Santa since such a time began. Once, Christmas was about human kindness, giving presents, and celebrating Superman's birthday (or at least that's how I remember it). But somewhere along the way, a horrible thing happened: the holiday started moving farther and farther from its roots, eventually becoming the ritual worship of a fat man in red clothes. Why worship such an evil man? "Santa isn't evil", you tell me! Oh, on the contrary; I can prove it:
 

Terrorism

We've been taught that Santa travels the world, climbing through people's chimneys and leaving presents 'neath their trees. Wait, something seems weird about this. Maybe the breaking and entering part. Does it not seem odd that the image of all benevolence is breaking into people's houses without their consent? Hell, this is probably for some ulterior motive. The boxes could have bombs inside, the bows laced with deadly bacteria and viruses, tracking devices placed in the tree. And to top it all off, the fat bastard steals their food to satisfy his gluttonous greed. What kind figure would do such a horrible thing? 
 

Pedophilia/"The Children"

"He's doing all of this for the children", you exclaim in defense of your god. Yea, about that, I think this may be the creepiest part of the figure. A moral judge of all humanity, you say? Then why does he ignore the influential adults of the world and go straight for the children? Actually, "go straight for" may be the wrong choice of words, as they seem attracted to him by an otherworldly force. He sets up guarded areas in malls, the only ones allowed into this dark circle being innocent children. They then sit on the hairy man's lap and a midget takes a picture of them. Does any of that sound suspicious? The only reason Chris Hansen is not on the case is because Santa has brainwashed him, too!
 
But no, Santa is not content with harming children in one way; he wants to harm them in all ways! Once upon a time in France, Santa saw a man murder three children to get their money. He hired the man as Father Spanker, sending him to the houses of naughty French children to beat their asses into insanity. He's also the only "Saint" to associate with demons. Demons like the Krampus, who drags naughty children to the depths of Hell. Worse yet, in the Netherlands, he has sent a slave called Black Peter ( this is a real thing) to capture children in a burlap sack. What he does with them is not known; we must assume the worst.
 

Hiring Policies

Speaking of his employees, what have you noticed about his elves? Same race, right? Hell, same gender, too. Everybody in his "workshop" is white and male; the only girl in the entire place is Mrs. Claus, and I've heard from reliable sources that her relationship with the man is quite abusive. Sure, things may look peaceful in the TV specials, but that is merely a staged reality meant to satiate the public; hell, the man spews out more "ho ho ho"s than actual presents! Yet the only female in the North Pole is not alone in her misery; no, that extends to the elves. One wanted to be a harmless dentist, but Santa would have none of that, for all his elves must be joyless laborers. Given this constant depressed state, I believe that they are either slaves or slave-clones he made himself.
 

Animal Abuse

Ah, but the abuse stretches farther than humans/human-esque things. No, I have reason to believe that he not only flogs and abuses his reindeer, but he revels in it! I've seen the poor creatures, and they are severely malnourished! He feeds them helium and meth, supposedly to achieve the fast flights of your lore. Rudolph's nose isn't glowing red; it's inflamed, swollen, and leaking pus! I've informed PETA and the ASPCA, but both find my claims "preposterous." 
 

Drug Ring

Speaking of meth, have you ever noticed how Santa produces nothing but crappy, wooden toys? I find this odd because children today receive nothing but top-end electronic toys like Wiis and wide-screen TVs. Tell me, how is it possible that he delivers such gifts when he only manufactures the cheap stuff? Well, it's all very simple: the fat man manages a drug ring in the one place nobody would ever suspect, but where it's incredibly easy to get the white stuff: the North Pole! Any drug you can name, and he has access to it faster than you could possibly imagine. Those oak toys are but a ruse to hide the drugs, packages he uses to deliver them to Cuban and Colombian drug lords! That money funds the expensive toys, we know that, but it all funds something else, something far more sinister...
 

Weapons Ring

Yes, Santa not only has access to the most destructive weapons on Earth, but buys it often and with relative ease! His sleigh is recognized as unregistered aircraft by the FAA, and does not answer to any sort of regulatory commission. Why does he do this, you ask? If he were to do this, then they surely would discover his plans to organize an army of elf slaves. After all, he obviously has the resources and power to achieve such a goal, and all the motivation to do so.
 

The Coup de Grace

However, that is not his most horrific act. No, that would be usurping Christmas from its original subject matter (or at least original given modern context and whatnot). I can understand the state of shock I've sent you into, but hear me out: I've discovered that Santa was the very person who killed Jesus! Yes, Santa nailed him to the cross and personally watched him suffer until his death! Santa's apparel was not originally red, but as white as the snow surrounding his remote factory! It was only after he brutally nailed Jesus to the cross that his clothes were bathed in blood, forever casting an unholy red shadow upon his figure!
 

What it all means

"How can so much darkness and evil exist within the very picture of human kindness", you ask me in a dismayed manner. To be honest, I was quite surprised when I uncovered such information myself. However, after discovering a dark revelation that would make Dan Brown's mind explode, it all started to make sense. Before me I saw a secret code. Now I know it may be hard to comprehend such a complex code, but just try to follow along. I've made it easier by preparing a visual representation:
 

You see, the Santa you know is nothing more than Satan, the zenith of all evil, hatred, darkness, and malevolence. Suddenly, it all made sense: Satan Claus enters homes using dark magic (the fires in the chimney are close enough to hellfire to make it work), uses children as fuel for his dark conquests, and so much more. Mistletoe isn't hanged over doorways so you can tongue-molest your co-workers; in olden times, it was a holy plant hanged over doorways to keep out evil spirits, like Satan Claus. Couples kissed under it, knowing that it might be their last.
 

But wait, the rabbit hole goes deeper!

There are indeed more revelations! For example, I'm sure a lot of you gamers out there have played Metal Gear games, telling the tale of Solid Snake in his quest to take down Metal Gear and its various offspring. However, there is one thing I could never get over: how does Big Boss keep coming back to life? I think you know where I'm going with this: Big Boss and Satan Claus are the same person, and Snake Eater and its spin-offs are pure propaganda. After all, have you ever noticed the similarities between BB and SC?
 
And to top it off, in Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, several children roam the halls of Zanzibar Land, all mentioning their daddy, Big Boss. Obviously, Satan Claus captured and brainwashed such children to do his bidding. Yet why he'd do so is beyond me; he has already sired three children, ready to do his bidding and spread chaos across the globe.
 
Wait, did I say three? I meant four, as I've done far more research and turned up this odd little fact: Dracula is actually Romanian for "Son of the Devil." Keep in mind that Dracula was not born in today's time, where people are named just by how it sounds or at a parent's whim; no, back in his day, people named their children after what they were destined to do or, in this case, what they already were. Of course, this means that Dracula is the son of Satan Claus himself. "Big deal", you say, "you've told me far more shocking things so far." Oh? Prepare to have your mind blown for yet another time. Again, I require a diagram:
 
Do you notice a pattern of any kind? Perhaps it's that all of his offspring are the subject of/major characters in Konami games. That's right, Konami knows of their dark lineage, yet continues to cast his evil spawn as heroes, people to be admired! I demand that Konami end this propaganda, come clean, and kill them all, insuring that the fat ball of darkness shall never again torment mortal life! I shall also destroy his brainwashing towns all across America, letting the people know the truth. "But under your plan, he will still live! He can just sire more bastards, find another spreader of his propaganda, and continue the cycle anew!" I've thought of such a scenario, and plan to kill Satan Claus personally. But I will not be alone in my quest, for I shall hire the greatest heroes of the land, people who know of his maleficent secrets. I believe they all travel under a banner called [adult swim] (except for two intrepid/fat heroes, of course).
 
 
 
  

 
 
   
But of course, I need all of you! Yes, you! I am but one man, and as such, many will not believe my message. But if you spread the truth to all the misinformed people, perhaps we can finally cast the shackles of his oppression off humanity's minds! The fate of all life everywhere depends on this!

I Recently Downloaded a package with Video Versions of all 4 Metal Gear Solid games put together as a series of Movies, and i would like to express the elements i enjoyed from each one.

Metal Gear Solid :The Twin Snakes-
Things i Liked-
-The Action Movie Feel to the Setting
-The Unique And Creative bosses
-The 'Gamey' structure
-The Acting is in a funny way, spot on for Metal Gear
-The Depth of the Story
-The Enigmatic Cyborg Ninja

Things i Disliked-
-Some of the Dialogue
-The Lack of Depth in some characters, particularly Merryl
-Some Irregularities in the injurys of Certain Characters (Merryl...)

Overall:An Action Packed Start to the Metal Gear Saga.

Metal Gear Solid 2 : Sons of Liberty

Things i Liked-
-Depth added to Metal Gear Universe
-Liquid Taking over Ocelot(I Actually Liked this plot device)
-Creative Boss Design
-Fortune
-More Metal Gears!
-The Patriots

Things i Disliked-
-Raidens Pansyness
-Third Snake seems Kinda Tacky
-Raidens love Intrest

Overall:An Intresting Chapter to the Metal Gear Saga that Greatly Expands the Plot, Despite Having a weak main character.

Metal Gear Solid 3 : Snake Eater-

Things i Liked-
-The Intresting Twists
-Big Boss
-The Boss
-Young Ocelot
-Origins of Metal Gear
-Historical Accuracy(sorta)
-Darker Tone to the Story
-Music and Sound Design Were Stellar
-Unique Setting

Things I Disliked-
-Boss Design was a bit different
-Shagohad was not very relevant to overall metal gear story
-Voljin was a total asshole

Overall:A Fantastic Look Back in time to see the Origins of the Metal Gear Saga in a setting that few games have ever used.

Metal Gear Solid 4 : The Guns of the Patriots-

Things i Liked-
-Old Snake
-High Tech stuff that is believable
-Guns of The Patriots
-Subterrainian Depth of Story
-All Plot Threads were Good
-Original But Wierd Boss Design
-Action Sequences
-Final Battle With Liquid Ocelot was easily the mos epic Fight Scene ive ever seen.
-Ninja Raiden
-Big Mama
-Epic Feel
-Cutscenes
-Drebin
-TWIST AT THE END(OH MY GOD)

Things i Disliked-
-Sunnys Character Was a bit Tacky
-Still Dislike Merryl
-BB Corps a bit Wierd
-Less Stealth (But the game gets a more epic feel because of this)

Overall:The Epic Final Chapter that Brings Everything together and Leads to the Final Confrontation Between Liquid Ocelot and Solid Snake.


Anyhow those were my Opinions Regarding the MGS Saga.
In Other News I Putup reviews for Psychonauts and Giants :Citazen Kabuto, i also Plan to Write A Walkthrough/Guide for Prototype as i Freaking Love that Game.

When the new generation of consoles hit, I was fairly sure that my decision to upgrade would initially swing the way of the PlayStation 3. I wasn't a Sony fanboy, having grown out of that stage at around fourteen, when I finally gave in, bought myself an Xbox and found out what I'd been missing. No, my mind was set on upgrading to Sony's third home console because of the years of fun I'd been provided with by my PlayStation 2, and the PlayStation before that. On top of that, I was a lot more interested in Sony's first-party franchises like God of War and Gran Turismo. I was convinced that the PlayStation 3 would be the best place to invest my money. Needless to say, a few things resulted in that assurance changing. The price, while not unreasonable in my opinion, was way out of my range, and continues to be. The games, particularly the first-party titles I was looking forward to, didn't materialise around the time of the console's launch. These factors ultimately deterred me from buying the PlayStation 3, and I finally entered the current generation of consoles when I purchased an Xbox 360 in April last year.

I've been happy with the 360 for the most part, despite losing one to an E74 error in February and then having it stolen before I could send it off for repairs. It's served me well - the games are good, the controller is comfortable and Microsoft seem to offer it a lot of support. But in spite of all this, there's still a part of my brain that wants to play the PlayStation 3. The reason for this - Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. I've been a fan of the franchise for years, having played MGS1, 2 and 3, as well as the two MSX Metal Gear games, the two Ac!d games on PSP, and MGS: Portable Ops on the same. Despite showing all this love for the series, though, I've never had the opportunity to play the most recent instalment in what is surely one of my most favourite franchises in gaming. That is, until now.

My PS3-owning flat mate \and I have been talking about doing a console swap for some time, and we finally got around to it this morning. That means that for the next week, I am the acting guardian of a shiny black PlayStation 3 and a copy of Metal Gear Solid 4, while she looks after my 360 and a few games including Dead Space and Forza 2. I cannot even begin to tell you how stoked I am about this. The swap is in effect for one week, so I intend to play the hell out of MGS4 and, depending on timing, maybe check out Uncharted: Drake's Fortune and Prince of Persia too. You can expect a full verdict on MGS4 later in the week. Thanks for reading, guys. See you around.


DanK

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Currently playing - Final Fantasy V (PS1)

For those of you forgot, Happy Metal Gear Solid 2 Day! Today (April 29th) marks the day that Raiden infiltrated the Big Shell and well... many a player's mind was blown! Oh Kojima you played us all...

From Wikipedia:
Raiden, supposedly operating under a reformed FOXHOUND two years after the Tanker Chapter on April 29, 2009. His orders are to rescue the hostages, including the US president, from the terrorist group Sons of Liberty, backed up by the rogue anti-terror training unit, Dead Cell.

Still one has some of the most memorable theme music in video game history:

This is definitely debatable and I'll probably get tons of pictures from Jayge that are WORSE than this, but I think this is it:
Seriously, there are like twenty people on the site all using this image for their icon. There are OTHER pictures on this site of characters besides Solid Snake, y'know...

So? What do you think? Am I a fraud or a fan of MGS4? (Click to Enlarge)

Give me your feedback. If you like the pic give me a comment high five. XD

Cheers!

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