A quick message to Sega.

#1 Edited by Rayfield (2097 posts) -

Here, watch this: 
   
  
  

Now for those of you aren't neck deep in your toilets violently blasting vomit like a fire hose, I have a few points I'd like to convey to the Sega Corporation about what is wrong, so wrong, with their marketing department in 2010. 
 
1. There are more demographics than Families and Super Hip Loft Kids. Branch out with your actors and change things up a bit. 
 
2. "A racing game with attitude"? This isn't the early to mid nineties. Nobody on the planet relates Sonic with attitude in this day and age. Sonic only produces thought of contempt and misery. What's your next genius idea? Put sunglasses on Sonic halfway down his nose with cocked eyebrow? 
 
3. Token girl is ridiculous. If you are trying to convey that girls play your games, then put one in your ads that is believable and not just a nonsensical buzzword dispenser. 
 
4. So it's a four player game is it? I assume that's the reason for the other two uber-cool awesome haircuts on either side of the main two shills. Hot tip: If your main two actors are jumping up and down with excitement over your game screaming WEEE THIS IS SO AWESOME OH GOD MY FACE then having the other two kids completely mute kind of betrays that. 
 
5. Where's Banjo & Kajooie? You obviously put them in the game to get some more people to play and even put them on the damn box art but in the trailer you concentrate on the Samba De Amigo characters? Huh? 
 
6. Why are these kids using the standard Wii wheel? Pimp the dedicated blue wheel that you are putting out for this game. Make this game an event instead of the turgid mess is obviously is. 
 
7. Retire the phrase "Bring It On". It is way overused. Seriously, you might as well had the girl say "Where's the beef?".  
 
8. I know the Mario & Sonic Olympic Games titles sold by the assload but that doesn't give you free reign to re-launch Sonic yet again. Please have some restraint.
 
9. Where's Alpha Protocol you fucking bastards?
#2 Edited by jakob187 (21759 posts) -

I stopped this video the minute that the emo kid said "this game is about skill".  I then larfed like a motherfucker at both his retarded fucking haircut and his retarded fucking commentary. 
 
And then, as you so eloquently and precisely put it, I violently blasted vomit like a fire hose into my toilet. 
 
Also...it's saddening how this video treats people like they've never once played Mario Kart over the last, what, 20 years? 
 
*EDIT*  I really wanna punch that fucking douchenozzle in his nose!  That's all I can think about now!  Fuck you for showing us this video!

#3 Posted by FluxWaveZ (19388 posts) -

"Even ride bananas."
 
This... is genius.

Online
#4 Posted by JJOR64 (19065 posts) -

$20 says kids don't know most of those characters in the game.

#5 Posted by Rayfield (2097 posts) -
@jakob187 said:
" Fuck you for showing us this video! "


lol
#6 Edited by Diamond (8634 posts) -
@Rayfield: As bad as the ad is, this is exactly the marketing strategy that allowed Sonic & Mario Olympics to be such an unjustified mega-sales hit.
 
BTW, this is an ad for the Wii version, hence no Banjo.
#7 Posted by JohnTheGamer (343 posts) -

That's a keeper.

#8 Posted by FluxWaveZ (19388 posts) -
@JJOR64 said:
" $20 says kids don't know most of those characters in the game. "
If there was a way to verify, I would put $20 on the table to say that kids do know the characters in the game, more than adults, actually.  At least me, and those I frequented with in elementary school, would recognize everyone featured in the game.
Online
#9 Posted by Rayfield (2097 posts) -

SEGA BOARDROOM: 
 
"So, it's been six months. We need another Sonic game idea." 
 
"Sir, don't you think Sonic is a bit overexposed and..." 
 
"BLAM!" 
 
"Okay, like I said. We need ideas people!" 
 
"Uh sir, what about this. I've been thinking about this for a while now." 
 
"Go Bob." 
 
"Okay, okay....SONIC....KART!" 
 
"Holy fucking Christ Bob you're a goddamn genius! Here's a raise and I swear to God you can ravage my sister any day! So where are we going to lunch? Yuk yuk yuk!" 
 
*lights cigars with money*
#10 Posted by ViciousAnchovy (798 posts) -

Are you actually going to give this message to Sega?

#11 Posted by Rayfield (2097 posts) -
@Diamond said:
"@Rayfield:  BTW, this is an ad for the Wii version, hence no Banjo. "


Ah I see. I'll stratch that one then.
#12 Posted by Atlas (2457 posts) -
@Rayfield said:

"9. Where's Alpha Protocol you fucking bastards? "

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Obsidian isn't dedicating resources to Sonic & Sega Racing bullshit whatever. But the sentiment is correct.
#13 Edited by demontium (4710 posts) -
@Rayfield:  
 
"And whats so exciting is you never know who's going to win...
 
So there is no skill involved in this game, just luck? 
 
And whats with these four college students with "gatcha" hair playing some gay ass sonic game, shouldn't they be advertising towards 8-12 year olds? Or just everyone. 
 
Also they are not even playing the game, this is all trailer footage.
#14 Posted by Willy105 (4691 posts) -

Rayfield, what is wrong with you?Why are you hating on this game? Everything you said here is completely inconsequential. Are you mad at Sega or something?

#15 Posted by Tabarnaco (134 posts) -

Sonic's expression at the very end makes me want to punch a hedgehog in the face.

#16 Posted by Rayfield (2097 posts) -
@Willy105 said:

" Are you mad at Sega or something? "


Yes. 
  

@Willy105 said:

"Everything you said here is completely inconsequential. "

 
No.
   
#17 Posted by Bubahula (2197 posts) -

ugh. what a disgusting video.

#18 Posted by Rayfield (2097 posts) -
@Tabarnaco said:
"Sonic's expression at the very end makes me want to punch a hedgehog in the face. "


HEDGEHOGS. CHOCK FULL OF ATTITUDE SINCE 1991. APPARENTLY.
#19 Posted by Gamer_152 (14109 posts) -

This advert would probably be very funny if it weren't so hard to watch. You know everything you said is a valid point about this trailer and about Sonic in general, but overall it's this kind of trailer that actually sells a game. I genuinely believe there are plenty of people out there who will buy Sega All-Stars Racing based on this.

Moderator
#20 Posted by vexx919 (72 posts) -

oh, man.... I use to like sonic

#21 Posted by LaszloKovacs (1210 posts) -

Everything about this ad seems like it was conceived in some boardroom in Japan where the committee that wrote it hasn't interacted with anyone under the age of 40 in approximately 20 years.

#22 Posted by VWGTI (1919 posts) -

Hey, that's Billy Hatcher!  That game was all sorts of crazy.

#23 Posted by Coombs (3449 posts) -

.....Stop It.   Just... Stop It.

#24 Posted by FizzleNizzleBear (335 posts) -

Why would sonic drive a car? He's already fast enough to outrun those cars.

#25 Posted by agentboolen (1845 posts) -

I think its just the fact that Nintendo hasn't made a sequel to Mario Kart Wii so sega thinks they can cash in. I do hate the fact that they use the Sonic name in there even when this game doesn't feel like its a Sonic game at all, why couldn't they just call it Sega Allstars Racing (is the Sonic name really that much bigger then the sega name)? Now for me I will say that I kind of hope this game is some what amusing, I really did have fun playing Mario Kart Wii and its time for another fun Wii racing game that I can use with that steering wheel thats buried under stuff... It would also be a nice excuse to dust off the Wii. But in all truth I know this game could end up sucking like all the other Sonic Racing games, maybe there track record is reason enough to stop using the Sonic name in racing games. For Sega yes they have been going down a downward spiral since they put the Dreamcast down. I think there biggest mistake is just rushing out there games.

#26 Posted by Computerplayer1 (991 posts) -

That can't honestly be a true marketing attempt. I refuse to believe that incompetence of that magnitude exists.
 
I wanted to punch everyone in that commercial in the throat, and only two of them spoke.

#27 Posted by immike (714 posts) -
@FluxWaveZ said:
" "Even ride bananas."  This... is genius. "
SOLD
#28 Edited by EpicSteve (6499 posts) -

Why are they in some ghetto-ass apartment with hot-trendy outfits?
 
I want to think the marketing team behind that video purposely went over the top, the video is too extreme/cliche to actually be serious.

#29 Posted by FluxWaveZ (19388 posts) -
@FizzleNizzleBear said:
" Why would sonic drive a car? He's already fast enough to outrun those cars. "
That's an extremely old complaint, though.  People said the same thing when Sonic Riders came out.
Online
#30 Edited by Emilio (3380 posts) -
@JJOR64:   
 
That's why its called SONIC & Sega All Stars  Racing

@jakob187 said:

" I stopped this video the minute that the emo kid said "this game is about skill"...                      "

WOAH! Me too! 
 
First of all: 
  1.  The kid in the black jacket is gay and foreign ( nothing wrong with that)
  2. They are not actually playing the game
  3. The people who run Sega are imbeciles (common knowledge)
#31 Edited by Rayfield (2097 posts) -



"MORE ATTITUDE, GODDAMMIT! WE NEED WAY MORE TUDE! GIVE HIM CIGARETTES AND A DRINKIN PROBLEM! AND CAN WE HAVE HIM SHOOT TAILS IN THE FACE WHILE SAYING "GLOCK TO YA DOME NIGGGAAAAA!!!"

This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

Beware, you are proposing to add brand new pages to the wiki along with your edits. Make sure this is what you intended. This will likely increase the time it takes for your changes to go live.

Comment and Save

Until you earn 1000 points all your submissions need to be vetted by other Giant Bomb users. This process takes no more than a few hours and we'll send you an email once approved.