Splatterhouse

In 1988, who didn't want to play a game like "Splatterhouse"?  With so many horror franchises raking in cash at the box office (obvious homage is paid to Friday the 13th here), a game featuring a mask wearing psycho beating things up seemed like a great idea, great enough to sustain three games.  However, in the year 2010, people need more then just a psycho wearing a mask, killing people off, to make sense.  They need a story.  So what does this remake of "Splatterhouse" do?  It tries to tie things in with a story, something that really wasn't done well in the originally trilogy of games.
 
I have a hard time believing anything is really "metal" or "hardcore" in "Splatterhouse", when the main character looks like an emo singer for "I Cut My Wrists When You Left", (you can pick any emo band sounding name you'd like, that's what I thought of in about ten seconds).  I mean yeah, he puts on the mask, he turns into a hulk-like rage machine, and starts ripping things in half, and all to save his girl.  Oh did I mention his girlfriend is a super slut?  The collectible in this game is picking up and putting together ripped photos of your girlfriend, and sometimes she's naked.  If that doesn't bring out the thirteen year old boy in any man, what will?  But despite that, the mask talks to you.  The obvious comparison could be made to "The Mask", but with more violence. 
 
Let's get things straight here though: why did I play this game?  I'm a sucker for dismemberment.  The more raunchy and gore, the better I usually like the game.  However in Splatterhouse's world, the game is so over the top, I felt like it should be toned down a bit.  Then we have some absurdly vulgar comments made by the mask's voice, none of which I'll repeat here, but I found even more off putting being said in a video game. 
 
However Splatterhouse's biggest turn off is it's terrible camera controls.  This becomes apparent latter in the game.  At one point I found myself stuck on an otherwise easy point of the game, only because the camera kept switching to a view that left me unable to see who I was fighting.  And it happens after that quite frequently.  Then we have few enemy types to choose from, and finally, and most importantly, there aren't enough combo moves here to have a variety.  You'll find yourself mashing the same three moves, because that's all this game is.  
 
The story will take you about eight hours to complete.  Once that's done, it opens an "arena" mode, which I would describe similar to Arkham Asylum.  Only, combat is actually fun in that game.  There's no fun to be had here. 
 
Splatterhouse is a game that really didn't need to be remade.  It's sold rather poorly it's first week out, and I highly doubt we will see a sequel to this new incarnation of the series.  There's a lot of good ideas here, but they are all just poorly and sloppily executed.  I can't at all recommend that anyone plays or endures Splatterhouse, especially at the time of the year when triple A titles are being released.  Skip it.