Super Mario Bros. 2

America waited with much anticipation for the sequel to the smash hit original. Japan felt it was too hard for American audiences. America retaliates by bombing Japan and cutting off all trade for some time. Japan retaliates by giving us a dumbed-down version of their sequel and slapping it on Super Mario All-Stars.

Yes, readers, I am referring to none other than Super Mario Bros. 2.

STORY 2.5/5
After his doped-up adventure in Super Mario Bros., Mario has retired for the night, fully equipped with sleeping cap and all. He begins to dream, and ends up immersed in a vast world of vegetables, shy guys, snakes, ostriches, and many other blatantly unoriginal enemies as he seeks the help of his friends Luigi, Toad, and Princess Toadstool to destroy Wart, some evil lizard thing that's ruining vegetables or something. I don't know. I mean, it's a good concept that would make for a decent game (which it actually was: as you know, this game is actually based on Doki Doki Panic!, never seen by American audiences as far as I know) - just not a decent Mario game. It just doesn't make any sense when you analyze where Super Mario Bros. left off. Gimme a break!

Well, whatever. Take what you can get. Let's get this over with.

GRAPHICS / DESIGN 4/5
Whether you love this game or hate it (I truthfully believe there is no in-between and am a member of the latter), you can hardly say anything about the graphics. It was a much-needed step up from the original installment, breathing new life into our heroes as we witness their accounts in Dream World, smashing everything in their wake.

There's plenty of attractive settings to be had, from grass lands to deserts to an ice world, and they're actually all designed pretty well. Attractive backgrounds and platforms give us some nice eye candy as we mercilessly toss our enemies into each other, knocking them away with ease.

Wait, what? There's no head-smashing? No brutal vertical descents onto unsuspecting, mindless enemies like we saw in the original? No, friends, but we'll get to that a little later. For now, you'll have to find a way to not hate me when I say that the graphics and design in this title warrant a respectable 4 out of 5.

SOUND 3/5
While it is infinitely unexplainable as to how you could up yourself from the composition from the original SMB, it's no surprise that there's no real memorable tunes here, though you can at least tell they were all put together with some level of care, and some of them are pretty catchy to groove to while you're running through the game. I'd have to say the underground theme in the first world is probably the catchiest (catchy enough to earn a cover from video game band The Minibosses), but eh, that's just me.

Overall, the lackluster soundtrack gets a decent 3 out of 5 from this reviewer.

GAMEPLAY / CONTROL 3/5
This is where I find most of my major complaints. All the turtle-kicking, goomba-smashing action from the original is replaced with cherry collecting, sand digging, and ice skating, and while that all sounds fun and all, it can get way too tedious. Collecting cherries to earn a Starman is just absurd, as is entering doors summoned through potions to enter a "night world" (okay, what?) - it all just ends up a big, silly mess of mass proportions. Yeah, you can definitely tell this was in no way, shape, or form a Mario game to begin with. Collecting keys to get through doors while being chased by some kind of Asian-style mask? It all gives us a good run on the first playthrough, after which you will angrily chuck the cartridge at a wall. What an insult!

I think I need not explain myself any more to slap a big fat 3 our of 5 onto the gameplay.

OVERALL 3/5
As I mentioned before, this game has all the elements of a pretty decent game - Nintendo of Japan should have just kept from converting it into an SMB title. We all know Bowser could kick Wart's ass any day of the week, and we don't need giant snakes and mice in sunglasses to prove it to us.

Rot in the pits of mediocracy, Super Mario Bros. 2, with your big fat 3 out of 5. Somebody wake me from this nightmare!