Geralt of Rivia and the Great Phallic Rocks of Morrowind.

Posted by MisterDunlap (242 posts) -

Oh Steam. You greedy, delightful little program... I have a love/hate relationship with Steam as of late. Well, perhaps I should start at the beginning, instead of leaving everyone thoroughly confused. I wanted to play Fallout 3. I had read everything on the site about it, watched all the Quick Looks for the DLC, and spent many an hour staring fixedly at screenshots and trailers. Finally, after a few weeks of scrounging, I finally had enough surplus cash to buy it. As I looking at the Steam page, I noticed you could also buy a package containing Fallout 3, Morrowind, and Oblivion. I own Oblivion for my Xbox 360, and had sunk an unreasonable amount of time into it, so it made sense to get it again for the PC. I knew next to nothing about it's predecessor, Morrowind, but it looked like a lot of fun nonetheless. And so, with this reasoning in mind, I promptly bought the package of all three. Now, in the long run, this was probably not a bad idea. In the short term however, I may have made a mistake. 
 
I got all three of them downloading/installing, shut down my computer's monitor, and relaxed with a book to patiently await the download of all three games. After about an hour or so, I got bored, and decided to check up on how it was going. To my mild surprise, one of them had already finished downloading. It was Morrowind, in fact. I booted it up, merely out of impatience, not any true desire to see what it was like. It started up quickly, and I promptly jumped into a new game. Man, I thought Oblivion was a little sparse on the starting exposition. This game just drops you in a town. In the middle of nowhere. With very little clue as to what the hell is even happening... 
 
I always played as a male Nord in Oblivion, so I thought I might as well just continue the tradition. While looking through the various faces and hairstyles for my character, I stumbled across a hairstyle that looked surprisingly similar to the mane that adorns the scalp of a certain Geralt of Rivia. I chose that, if only to say Geralt of Rivia saved the land of Morrowind from an as yet unknown evil. After finishing all the character building business, I emerged into the light, to find a small and remote little fishing village. Since this was the first time I'd been through the game, I knew next to nothing about...well, everything. And in my blissful ignorance, I ignored everyone in the time and proceeded to head down the road towards wherever it was that the quest said I had to go.  
 
I dutifully followed the road. On the way I killed a few slug creatures, picked up a quest about a bandit or some such nonsense, and gotten lost at least three times. As far as I was concerned, I was having a grand old time of it. It wasn't until I got to the rocks that it turned sour... Now, these were not great boulders that one finds strewn about a path. Nor were they very small rocks that floated. No, these were the Great Phallic Rocks of Morrowind. They covered the now grey and barren landscape like a fungus, blocking the beautiful sunlight, imposing themselves upon my mind for the rest of time. It was horrifying. Only moments before I had been happily strolling through a lush landscape, dotted with the occasional giant mushroom. I got the hell away from those awful craggy beasts as fast as I could. 
 
Soon after that I came upon the first proper town I had yet discovered, and quickly forgot about that horrible ordeal, so caught up was I in the doings that this quaint little burg happened to contain. It wasn't long until I had found and done what had to be done, and it was time to depart for bigger and better things. I left town, confident in my hodge-podge of armor and weaponry I had strapped to myself. Soon, I came upon a crossroads. Both directions led to a place that I was required to be. I went to the left, for I took it to be the road to greater fortune and adventure.  Adventure, certainly. Fortune? Well, read on, and see for yourself. 
 
After following the trail for a short amount of time, I came upon a fellow Nord standing by the roadside. He offered me a quest to help him recover his clothes and ax. Apparently a witch had ambushed him and stolen his things. I went along with it. I mean, that's no more peculiar than random phallic rocks protruding from the landscape, right? I set off in the direction he sent me. It wasn't long until I came upon another very rocky area, with cliffs on either side of the path. I continued along, keeping sharp watch for the rocks that had so surprised the first time. After some time, I saw none. I began to relax my guard, when suddenly rearing up in front of me, like a great sea serpent of legend, it appeared. It was by far the largest I had seen yet. It was then that a group of bandits decided to attack me. I was unprepared, and was soon cut down before them like a wheat stalk to the farmer's sickle. And so ended the journey of Geralt of Rivia in the land of Morrowind. 
 
Since then I have played much more of Morrowind, and gotten used to the peculiar rocks that dot the land. In my mind, they have come to be known as the Great Phallic Rocks of Morrowind. I did play Fallout 3 and enjoyed it, but the true winner that came from that purchase Morrowind. May my future purchases be just as fruitful. 
 
I actually had a lot of fun writing this. Maybe I should try my hand at some proper fan fiction of the adventures of Geralt of Rivia in the lands of Morrowind. Hmm... 
Later peoples.

#1 Posted by MisterDunlap (242 posts) -

Oh Steam. You greedy, delightful little program... I have a love/hate relationship with Steam as of late. Well, perhaps I should start at the beginning, instead of leaving everyone thoroughly confused. I wanted to play Fallout 3. I had read everything on the site about it, watched all the Quick Looks for the DLC, and spent many an hour staring fixedly at screenshots and trailers. Finally, after a few weeks of scrounging, I finally had enough surplus cash to buy it. As I looking at the Steam page, I noticed you could also buy a package containing Fallout 3, Morrowind, and Oblivion. I own Oblivion for my Xbox 360, and had sunk an unreasonable amount of time into it, so it made sense to get it again for the PC. I knew next to nothing about it's predecessor, Morrowind, but it looked like a lot of fun nonetheless. And so, with this reasoning in mind, I promptly bought the package of all three. Now, in the long run, this was probably not a bad idea. In the short term however, I may have made a mistake. 
 
I got all three of them downloading/installing, shut down my computer's monitor, and relaxed with a book to patiently await the download of all three games. After about an hour or so, I got bored, and decided to check up on how it was going. To my mild surprise, one of them had already finished downloading. It was Morrowind, in fact. I booted it up, merely out of impatience, not any true desire to see what it was like. It started up quickly, and I promptly jumped into a new game. Man, I thought Oblivion was a little sparse on the starting exposition. This game just drops you in a town. In the middle of nowhere. With very little clue as to what the hell is even happening... 
 
I always played as a male Nord in Oblivion, so I thought I might as well just continue the tradition. While looking through the various faces and hairstyles for my character, I stumbled across a hairstyle that looked surprisingly similar to the mane that adorns the scalp of a certain Geralt of Rivia. I chose that, if only to say Geralt of Rivia saved the land of Morrowind from an as yet unknown evil. After finishing all the character building business, I emerged into the light, to find a small and remote little fishing village. Since this was the first time I'd been through the game, I knew next to nothing about...well, everything. And in my blissful ignorance, I ignored everyone in the time and proceeded to head down the road towards wherever it was that the quest said I had to go.  
 
I dutifully followed the road. On the way I killed a few slug creatures, picked up a quest about a bandit or some such nonsense, and gotten lost at least three times. As far as I was concerned, I was having a grand old time of it. It wasn't until I got to the rocks that it turned sour... Now, these were not great boulders that one finds strewn about a path. Nor were they very small rocks that floated. No, these were the Great Phallic Rocks of Morrowind. They covered the now grey and barren landscape like a fungus, blocking the beautiful sunlight, imposing themselves upon my mind for the rest of time. It was horrifying. Only moments before I had been happily strolling through a lush landscape, dotted with the occasional giant mushroom. I got the hell away from those awful craggy beasts as fast as I could. 
 
Soon after that I came upon the first proper town I had yet discovered, and quickly forgot about that horrible ordeal, so caught up was I in the doings that this quaint little burg happened to contain. It wasn't long until I had found and done what had to be done, and it was time to depart for bigger and better things. I left town, confident in my hodge-podge of armor and weaponry I had strapped to myself. Soon, I came upon a crossroads. Both directions led to a place that I was required to be. I went to the left, for I took it to be the road to greater fortune and adventure.  Adventure, certainly. Fortune? Well, read on, and see for yourself. 
 
After following the trail for a short amount of time, I came upon a fellow Nord standing by the roadside. He offered me a quest to help him recover his clothes and ax. Apparently a witch had ambushed him and stolen his things. I went along with it. I mean, that's no more peculiar than random phallic rocks protruding from the landscape, right? I set off in the direction he sent me. It wasn't long until I came upon another very rocky area, with cliffs on either side of the path. I continued along, keeping sharp watch for the rocks that had so surprised the first time. After some time, I saw none. I began to relax my guard, when suddenly rearing up in front of me, like a great sea serpent of legend, it appeared. It was by far the largest I had seen yet. It was then that a group of bandits decided to attack me. I was unprepared, and was soon cut down before them like a wheat stalk to the farmer's sickle. And so ended the journey of Geralt of Rivia in the land of Morrowind. 
 
Since then I have played much more of Morrowind, and gotten used to the peculiar rocks that dot the land. In my mind, they have come to be known as the Great Phallic Rocks of Morrowind. I did play Fallout 3 and enjoyed it, but the true winner that came from that purchase Morrowind. May my future purchases be just as fruitful. 
 
I actually had a lot of fun writing this. Maybe I should try my hand at some proper fan fiction of the adventures of Geralt of Rivia in the lands of Morrowind. Hmm... 
Later peoples.

#2 Edited by Claude (16254 posts) -

That was a joy to read. I felt like I was back in Morrowind, but my view was through your eyes.

Also,

Geralt of Rivia in Morrowind is awesome sause.

#3 Posted by EuanDewar (5104 posts) -

@Claude said:

That was a joy to read. I felt like I was back in Morrowind, but my view was through your eyes.

Oh man Claude, the older you get the worse you get at reading. 22 hours?

Get in the van.

#4 Posted by ShadowConqueror (3089 posts) -

Geralt of Vivec?
#5 Posted by Claude (16254 posts) -

@EuanDewar said:

@Claude said:

That was a joy to read. I felt like I was back in Morrowind, but my view was through your eyes.

Oh man Claude, the older you get the worse you get at reading. 22 hours?

Get in the van.

I was away from the PC for a while. I'm catching up on some blogs. I enjoyed reading it and let it be known.

#6 Edited by Claude (16254 posts) -

Weird, this blog is only showing two comments. Bug?

#7 Posted by Franstone (1156 posts) -

Was that a Monty Python reference I read? 
Good show!
#8 Edited by Claude (16254 posts) -

I just want to see if I can post this away from the forums in blog form to unlock it. Still a good read, so bump try.

Damn, it won't load. Bummer.

#9 Posted by MisterDunlap (242 posts) -
@Claude: Thank you for the praise. I'm glad someone enjoyed it.
@Franstone
: You have no idea how happy I am that someone got that! 
#10 Posted by AhmadMetallic (18954 posts) -
That was an awesome read, thanks. I'm sorry you were harassed by penis rocks 
 
I've only gotten into RPGs earlier this year, after years of struggling and being put off by their chaotic free-roaming nature. However after easing my way into the genre with Mass Effect 1 & 2, I went on to play Dragon Age: Origins, The Witcher and Oblivion, and i'm still progressing in all of them and having a great time 
 
I've always dismissed Morrowind simply because a seemingly superior (and prettier) installment already existed (Oblivion), but you just grew my interest in the game.. Should i buy it? 
 
 
@DarthOniXVIII said: 
@Franstone: You have no idea how happy I am that someone got that! 
Erm, i watched the 4 seasons day and night for an entire year, and also all of the movies. What reference did you make? Must've flown right over my head
#11 Posted by MisterDunlap (242 posts) -
@Ahmad_Metallic: Buy it. If only to marvel at what RPGs used to be, and how much of a change they made with Oblivion. Plus, it's not too expensive by itself. I think...  
The Monty Python reference is " Nor were they very small rocks that floated." It's from the Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie, where they're interrogating the "witch."

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