( And welcome back to this petty contest between me and Mento.) When last I left off, my group finally remembered what they came to Hommlet for: mayor speakings. That led to some Moathouse quest, which led to....actually, it's been a while since I've checked up on them. Let's see what they're up t-
Oh....oh god. What the hell happened when I was gone!? Why do Banthor and Neutralio lie dead in the field? How did they all take so much damage? And where the hell is Falior? Actually, I happen to know the answer to that last one:
OK, that was just fucking horrifying. I'm gonna rewind things and pretend that this terrible experience never happened. So the heroes have just left the mayor's house, and now I'm sending Issril off to church. I don't think I have to say why. Like last time, the entire group follows suit, but I'm actually kinda glad that they do; I don't want Issril straight-up murdering everybody in that church. Yet upon entering the church, they find corrupt Scots. This can't end well, especially since they're asking the group to rob some guy. For God, you see. Issril, feeling pity for the non-sheep man, wishes to pay his dues, instead. I tell her to piss off and remind her why I didn't post anything about that Marik quest last time. So off to another quest, hopefully one that won't empty their pockets. Uh-huh...uh-huh....OK....yea, this one should do. There's this mage whose Amazon orders haven't been arriving. Obviously, he wants to find out why. Issril finds the nearest worker and blames the hell out of him. It isn't even a mailman; she just looks out the window and says "Arrest that guy." I never should have given her that Diplomacy skill, but that's not the point. The point is that they got 50 gold! Yay! Now there's money to do quests! In fact, I'll just list off each quest that opens up with more money:
- Banthor wasn't actually there during that whole quest; she was out robbing that earlier guy blind. It just so happens that this lets me complete the quest.
- Sexyface himself then breaks the space-time continuum by going into the later part of this blog, stealing a frog's ring, and returning it to that 'Nam vet from before. All he gets is a cloak. I can already hear some of you groaning at that. Maybe.
- OK, this one is lengthy. Sexyface breaks into every house in the land and hits on the ladies within. The group finds out that some farmers are disagreeing and that love is the solution. But to get this done, the wife-to-be needs a new farm as an offer, and the town's only carpenter will only build it if the group can get Marik Ishtar to convert to another religion. (I guess D&D and card games don't mix.) But to do this, the Scots from before make the group play religious accountant. They heal some random guy (with the spell that Neutralio swiped from the Scots (why is Neutralio stealing more shit than Banthor, the thief whose only job it is is to steal shit?)) so they can convert his brother so they can convert the other guy so they can get the barn built to hook up the couple (but only after the asshole mourns, because this quest wasn't long enough already) and free another barn for a completed quest! *passes out from quickly explaining all that*
Buuut, nobody is skilled enough to handle this simple quest, so after a small payment of 2 gold, back to Moathouse it is! First up is a spider who gives the party a serious challenge. However, they conquer it, and as a reward, they get....I don't remember. In addition to what I forgot, they also get a free place to rest! Suck it, abandoned quest! This also means they can kill and loot brigands for all they're worth, hopefully getting better armor in the process. (Anything's better than letting the characters dress themselves. They're like five year olds, only they know how to kill people.) Everybody also levels up, and I am very goddamn careful in deciding how to go about this. That obviously means I've only made things harder for myself. That out of the way, everybody enters the Moathouse, and Sexyface immediately contracts about 7 STDs. I think he read my Fable III blog and got jealous about his pseudo-fan-fiction-female-self. Oh, and they fight enemies, including:
- Rats the size of German shepherds. No, not that. There we go.
- A giant tick. Surprisingly, just using "walk" isn't enough to kill the fucker.
- A HUGE ASS SNAKE! FUCK!
- More of those bat things. I guess this is when the game starts feeling sorry for me.
- A komodo dragon. Not as bad as the dogs that I never fought.
- In the basement: zombies, slimes, and fashion.
- An ogre. Wait, that totally didn't happen.
- Finally, those bandits. Obviously, they were the hardest, but after some careful strategy (sling oil on them, pick them off from the edge, rest a bit), they are finally dealt with.
Well, this is certainly interesting. Tune i...wait, this isn't a fucking TV show...but it should be. Anyway, next time, I will develop on my meeting with...shit, I haven't even come up with a name for these guys. How about "Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil"? Yea, that works. Next time: interactions between Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil and whatever the crapping hell Mento's calling his team.