((Welcome one and all to the final episode of this overly extended feature!) (Speaking of overly extended...) Why do I say that this is the final episode? Well, first, a recap, as always. Last time, the group cleared out the fourth level of the Temple itself (save for St. Cuthbert, but I'll take care of that Iuz-yelling-fucker soon enough). This leaves only the four Nodes and the endgame, but there's a twist: there's little to nothing to write about in the Nodes. In fact, I'd be surprised if I got more than a few lines from each one. Let's test that theory out:
- First up, the Air Node, because I read that it was the easiest. Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil begins this Node by killing air (I've long since given up on any rules of reality) and follows it up by beating the hell out of an anti-mortal Vrock thing. That's pretty much it.
- Next up, the Earth node; a large, complex maze of a Node. How do they handle this? Well, kinda like this, only without all the shit. At the end is a hungry demon thing. Banthor takes care of this one by summoning the Vrock from before and telling it to fart the Earth to death.
- Oh, this oughta be interesting: the Fire Node. Why is this one so interesting? Partially because it's supposed to be the hardest node. Issril kicks things off by killing Fire Snakes and Fire Frogs with fire. Unfortunately, it doesn't work so well on the Salamanders, probably because their name lacks the word "fire". Neutralio takes care of them with a Sno-Cone. Meanwhile, Banthor walks up to Balor (because this is apparently the only boss that lets you do this (sneaking is, oddly enough, out of the option)), pickpockets the bastard, and hauls ass out of the Node (again, oddly possible). This is not a joke; it is something you can actually do in this game. I'd be surprised, but remember: they killed air. Reality means nothing to these crazies.
- Enough of this. Time for them to do something useful: kill Satan Claus...again. Unfortunately, neither the game nor the fan mods promise this (WHY?!), but there is something close: the Water Node. After an intro battle between them and a couple of Umber Hulks, Clearly Out of Their Elemental wipes out an entire society of lizards. Bored, they decide to tackle the (rather bored) boss of this area traditionally. No, that's not how it goes; Issril simply tells him to go away, and he does. Not as good as Banthor's theft, but it'll do.
Now with the Orb of Golden Death fully decked out, Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil is ready to tackle the Lady of the Fungi. (Insane villains for insane heroes, I guess.) For some reason, though, they sneak back to Hommlet for a drinking contest. Sexyface drinks everybody under the table (taken with the tiny dick thing, I'm starting to suspect that Sexyface is part Scottish), Banthor loots their bodies, and Falior drops the Orb of Golden Death, destroying it and making the end-game that much harder. Thanks a lot, asshole.
Still, the game must continue. So the group heads down to the Locked Level of the Temple and encounters nothing but an old woman. Issril threatens her so hard that the old woman turns to ash. Banthor then sees a few extra gems lying on the throne the old woman was blocking. See how I used the word "blocking"? That means Banthor loots the hell out of that chest...and ends the game prematurely.
But before the game can fully end, there is one thing that needs to be taken care of...
(What? You thought I was actually going to fight her? The problem's taken care of. ) And now the game can end. Wait, I'm forgetting something....STATS! INCOMING STATS! (Note: all these stats are from directly before the final battle, because it's pretty much impossible to get stats on yourself during the credits.)
- Sexyface took the most weapon damage at 32 points (and the most spell damage at 55 points), and he's damn proud of it. Or maybe he's proud of how he dealt the most weapon damage at 57 damage (before the fight with Cuthbert, obviously). Hard to tell.
- Oh, and in case you're wondering, Neutralio dealt the most magic damage at 72 points. Then again, he's pretty much the only offensive magic user in the whole group, so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise.
- Surprisingly, nobody disarmed any traps, probably because Banthor, resident rogue, set the most ones off. Again, I probably should have researched the stats before deciding that my numbers were good.
- Although oddly enough, she is the most diplomatic and intimidating. I doubt she knows what the word "diplomatic" means, just like I don't know what "gather information" means. (Look at the screen, I guess?)
- Issril comes in with the most bluffs. Those men must have been pissed when she told them that she was just in it for the free dinner.
- Most corrupted saves: probably that fight against Hezrou, the Water Guardian. It's not a tough fight, but it gets pretty annoying when every defeat results in a corrupted save.
- And, as always, the sexiest member is clearly Bushwald Sexyface. Even if he has a tiny dick. (Notice how Falior doesn't have a single stat for this section. Even in its glitchy state, this game knows better than to name him the best of anything.)
And that's the end of Temple of Elemental Evil! But where are our characters now, after they've eliminated the need for a final boss battle? Well, here's what the game says (warning: tons of screenshots incoming):
Great, now I'll have to do this LP again in 2077. Thanks a lot, Falior.
Yea, that's an apt way to describe Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil.
That's the game's way of saying there's no way it's going to resolve the gaping plot hole Sexyface opened with that hammer.
Apparently, their stats suck worse than Clearly Out of Their Elemental Evil's.
Who would gives these assholes knighthood? And is it too early for a February Revolution?
I already know that this is utter shit. Sexyface? A dentist? Why, the very notion is absurd! Moving on...
I find it hard to imagine that you could return to power after having your face melted off.
That's because the bar is two feet from their house.
"This is bound to win Banthor's heart! One day, she will be mine!"
What about stupid? Is he good with stupid?
All because the mayor banished their asses for good.
Seems Balor wasn't too pleased about Banthor stealing his shit.
"Glitched" would be a better way to describe that task.
What? That's all? Fuck that. Here's how it actually went down:
- Bushwald Sexyface, having become the Pirate King, Slayer of Gods, steps into the super-secret Lunar Node, returning him to his proper land. He tells me of his story, and I remind him that he forgot about Bertram, and he can't return to his land. He cries; I laugh.
- The laws of reality have been dead for a while, so Banthor becomes a giant robot. She goes by the name of GiBanthor, and she travels the cosmos, destroying everything she sees. (For those too lazy to watch the damn video, this GIF summarizes the important parts.)
- Neutralio thinks he's stepping onto the Lunar Node, but instead steps on the Random Planet Node. He is transported to an alien world with no life whatsoever. What does he do? He takes a shit, and it is with this shit that he can finally stop being neutral, for once, and give a shit. And it is with this shit that he becomes the first leader of the Neutral Planet. What does he think of this momentous day?
- You know what? Falior's in the mood for some Noding, too. However, he steps on the Wait, I Thought the Fan Patch Fixed That Node and gets teleported to who knows when. Angry at a world that continues to fuck with him, he decides to murder the nearest person. That person? FDR. Guess how that turns out?
- Finally, Issril stumbles upon a 9/11 conspiracy site and, unfortunately, interprets the word "sheeple" too literally. She has teamed up with GiBanthor and is plotting the destruction of Earth. Your only hope is to become a lesbian and hope the goods can stop her wrath.
And that's it for The Temple of Elemental Evil. I'd say that you should wait for my blog on it, but there's a very good chance that I've already posted it. Again, the timeline's been so fucked to hell and back that I can't even be sure if the Lady of the Fungi is still banished and stuff. So if you'll excuse me, I need to find a calendar and find out if time still exists.