Crush your enemies, and nail down every piece of poontang around.
Hide the children, because here comes The Witcher: Atari's “mature fantasy RPG” based on a series of novels by Polish author Andrzej Sapkowski about a group of monster hunters-for-hire. The game centers on Geralt, greatest of the Witchers as he embarks on a quest to avenge his fallen comrade and (as is standard in almost every RPG in history) recover his lost memories. If only amnesia could always be cured with a swift blow to the head like on The Smurfs...
Despite the clichéd setup, the game quickly immerses you in a journey through the deep and darkly-compelling setting of the novels. The graphics are sharp and stylishly scuzzy, depicting a rainy, gloomy land heavy with atmosphere. The place feels lived-in and authentic; I was rather impressed to see commoners intelligently run to Geralt or the city watch for help when attacked, or to scurry for shelter if it started to rain. But if you're looking for some easy money, challenge them to the gambling minigame; the computer plays the most hilariously inept game of Yahtzee Poker you'll ever see.
Geralt carries a pair of standard-issue Witcher weapons to dispatch his enemies: a steel claymore for his many human opponents and a silver longsword for the magical prowlers of the night. Timing and savvy combat style management are key to victory here; you have to click your mouse when given visual and aural cues to chain your attacks together in increasingly brutal combos. And you'd better get good at it fast, because the game doesn't do much to help. I wouldn't even have figured out that you can charge your magic attacks by holding the mouse button if I hadn't read the instruction book. Take heed, especially if you want to master the game's alchemy system.
Even though it's toned down for American audiences, The Witcher pushes its M-rating as far as it will go partly because of its high gore factor, but mostly because of its strong sexual content. Geralt, scarred albino mutant that he is, has an amazing way with the ladies. In fact, he gets more play than James Bond, and you can rest assured that if you can have a conversation with a female NPC, you can probably get into her pants. Your only reward for these sexual conquests is a semi-nude collectible card that contributes absolutely nothing to the game, and the satisfaction that you've helped in your own small way to objectify women everywhere.
Geralt's worst enemy is nothing supernatural, however; it's the outright abusive load times that literally await you behind every door. Every time you head into a new area you're in for a guaranteed twenty-second minimum wait, and that would be infuriating enough if you didn't also have to cope with sporadic crashes to the desktop during those load screens. This puts you in the habit of going through another twenty second ritual to save your game every time you reach a doorway, and that adds up to a ton of thumb-twiddling and snarled curses. Geralt is a master of meditation, and to get through The Witcher without throwing the disc into a microwave you're going to have to learn some major Zen calming techniques, too.
