Scrotum.
Big summer blockbuster films have been on a tear this year. And by “on a tear”, I mean “tearing apart my sanity through sheer incompetence.” And in a surprise reversal of fortune, the normally terrible video game adaptations of big movies have wound up being surprisingly good, or at least better than their silver screen inspiration. The three hours of compressed fan service-misfired that was the Watchmen movie birthed a three hour simple but entertaining downloadable beat-em-up called The End Is Nigh. And the dreadful, canon-defecating disaster that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine served as the loose-as-Mystique inspiration for a solid action game that reminded the world why we all loved in the first place; because he hates people with unpunctured organs.
And now the video game based on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is poised to not only follow in those footsteps but trample them with 20’ wide metal soles. While the movie itself doesn’t approach Wolverine-levels of film destitution (a franchise based on an 80s cartoon built around selling toys, while popular, isn’t exactly holy ground to ruin) I doubt you’ll find too many people that won’t agree with me when I say the movie was gosh darn stupid. You got Shia LeBeouf running around, screaming a lot all the while failing at a relationship with a dim-witted, PG porn star who knows only how to enter sexual poses genetically imposed in her memory like a goose migrating south. You’ve got a plot with holes the size of Devestator’s wrecking balls, falling to ’s tendency to conceive action sequences regardless of how they fit into the plot. “Oh sure, an Autobot could easily drive Sam to the big destination at the end of the film, but it would look cooler if he ran unprotected through a warzone with robots aspiring to Whitwikwhoop his ass.” And what terrible, out of touch comedy. The mom who doesn’t know about weed brownies? How about Mudflap and Skids, the twins who resemble black slaves on master Optimus Prime’s cotton farm?
But the film predictably exceeds in the field of extravagant special effects that relate to giant robots gifting each other with massive explosives. And with the video game stripping the roles of human actors down to props in a few missions and focusing the majority of the game on the robots, one can easily make a case for its superiority over the movie. Plus there’s no sign of Mudflap and Skids. The game has two mini campaigns based on the Autobot and Decepticon points of view. The plot is told through the old movie-based-game convention of over-stylized computer menu screens that no one would ever use in real life as a vehicle to sum up the plot. But they’ll leave someone who’s never seen the movie lost and wondering why something isn’t being blown up right now. Fortunately for the game and unfortunately for reality, the movie plot is a waste of 2 and a half hours anyways so it bears little consequence.
The first major obstacle between your bullets and enemy circuits is the tutorial. The lengthy, plodding tutorial takes its sweet time trying to soothe the player into the game’s controls. This wouldn’t be so bad if both campaigns didn’t start with the exact same mandatory tutorial level. But you’ll have to bear with it, because the controls are just downright weird. You have to hold L2 to enter “gun mode”, which is the game’s definition of third person shooting. From there, R2 fires the gun and R1 switches weapon modes. But with only two weapon modes, why not use R1 to fire the secondary weapon? You have to hold R2 by itself to transform into a vehicle, but R2 is also the gas pedal. There’s no option to change into a vehicle and simply stand still and park. Granted, vehicle mode exists mainly as a way to get from one point to another faster, but it sucks out some of the sense of being in control when I can’t actually BE a robot in disguise.
And then we have the “advanced” controls. Hold one button while driving and release R2 to transform and leap forward. Hold another button while driving and release R2 to transform and do a stomping attack. Most people playing this game can’t fathom the concept of parallel parking and you’re expecting them to figure this out? I can now see why Optimus deemed the secrets of his robot technology to be too dangerous to be given to humans. But once you rewire your brain’s arteries to match the controller’s twisted mapping, then the time for some robot drive-bys will arrive. Suddenly you’re driving directly into a hoard of evil robots, transforming, taking some shots in midair, and finally doing a ground pound and feeling like a complete 20 foot mechanical tough guy.
The best way to describe the Transformers game is “MechAssault if the mechs could talk.” And if they could talk, they would constantly berate you. In each mission, you’re given an objective, thrown into an open city area, expected to do the deed, and then go back to base where for a roundtable discussion I can only describe as “The View with giant angry robots.” The missions themselves usually consist of you shooting a lot of robots, often with a trivial objective along the lines of “destroy the robots so you can activate these beacons” or “destroy the robots so you can rescue the humans.” Afterwards, the robots at Autobot/Decepticon HQ will discuss the story progress, then make a comment about either your speed, level of destruction and success with secondary objectives. The first oddity is that the secondary objectives seem to be randomly generated, with such pointless goals as “kill with 10 headshots” or “use your special attack 5 times”. The second oddity is that the post-mission banter also seems randomly generated to a point where it doesn’t always coincide with the mission. I’ve seen Optimus Prime chastise “some Autobot” for carelessness on a mission where I was using Optimus Prime! The times that Starscream did the same, at least it matches his character of being a jerk, but I envision Optimus being a bit more humble.
On average, each mission lasts four-five minutes, and that your performance is timed only encourages you to hurry up on the job. However, the timer doesn’t always stop when there’s radio chatter between characters with your next objective only appearing the radar when Soundwave learns to SHUT UP (that monotone machine sure likes the sound of his flat voice.) So you learn quickly that the only way to achieve a Platinum ranking in a mission is to memorize locations through repeated play. You’ll also learn that rankings don’t mean much of anything. That each of the five Autobots and five Decepticons have unique attacks and special abilities helps to keep the experience diverse, but it’s hard to deny it; robot blasting does get old after awhile. Even the introduction of newer, harder enemy drones does little to spice up the game’s formula of “throw a group of robots at you, then go to the next point and fight the same robots.” Boss characters are only different from generic baddies in that they have way too much health, with the exception of annoying boss battles with Devastator and The Fallen.
You can revisit some levels for unlocked secondary missions, but you’ll cease to care once you realize they’re not much different from the regular missions. Likewise, you can revisit any level with any bot in “Free Roam” mode, but the potential for sandbox carnage feels limited as your giant machine terrorizes an empty city. Each campaign lasts about 2 hours. But there are barely any differences between the missions in the Autobot and Decepticon story modes, so whichever one you play second will feel more tiresome. And right now you’re probably thinking “short, AND repetitive? Screw this tired movie cash-in!”
But wait! The shock of shocks about Revenge of The Fallen is that the game has a well-conceived multiplayer mode. It won’t capture the attention of Call of Duty-esque rank addicts whom need to see a number next to their “level” gradually increase with time to justify their obsession, but it reveals the game’s hidden strengths. Multiplayer features five standard gameplay modes: Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch, Capture the flag, Capture nodes and Kill the team leader. But like Grand Theft Auto 4 did with carjacking citizens in Liberty City, those old conventions become fresh when you transplant them within the context of giant transforming robots warring in urban landscapes. Also, each robot has unique weapons, powers and attributes. Some are plodding but heavily-armed tanks, some can stun opponents with EMP blasts, some can heal, some can plant gun turrets, some can snipe, some can fly. Not only does this give players the chance to find a style that suits their preferences, but it offers the chance for teams to forge a distinct synergy. The winners of any given team conflict are the ones that co-ordinate and work together. If I say that the Transformers multiplayer is on par with that of a Team Fortress 2, someone might either punch my gut or send karmatic gut punches over the net with angry letters. So I’ll just say that Transformers separates itself from Team Fortress 2 with the inclusion of giant robots.
Like the Wolverine and Watchmen games, the greatest success about Transformers is simply that it’s better than the movie that inspires it. Is it worth $70? Well that depends on your passion for robot-driven online chaos. You won’t be depriving yourself of needed intellectual stimulation if you think better of buying the game, but at least contemplate a rental or waiting for a bargain price.
Finally, I feel that Transformers at least succeeds in feeling unique. Past movie-based games like Terminator: Salvation and Quantum of Solace feel too much like clones of better shooter games. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen feels distinctly like a Transformers video game. And when you consider how few of those there have been over the years, that has to be worth some praise.
3 ½ stars
