The Death of a Video Game Benchmark

Posted by Jeff (3627 posts) -

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

#1 Posted by Jeff (3627 posts) -

Everyone has their own "thing" when it comes to determining the graphical capabilities of a given console. For awhile, people used water effects. Or, once Gran Turismo 3 came around, folks started staring at models of cars to see how powerful a game console was. Heck, for awhile, the notion of in-game models that could actually sweat was the clearest sign that basketball game graphics are becoming more and more realistic.

But my benchmark just blew away into the wind. Esteemed news outlet TMZ is reporting that Triple H has cut his hair.

As far as I'm concerned, the only way we're going to know if a PlayStation Orbis or Xbox Durango are capable video gaming devices is to look at the mane of HHH. And it's been this way for years, really. Seriously, go on back to the N64 and take a look around. See what THQ was able to do back then with The Game's long, stringy, sort-of-crappy, usually wet mop. Actually, don't go back. I already went back for you. Look at this shot from WWF Wrestlemania 2000:

Or these shots from WWF No Mercy!

Now check it against a more modern rendition of the professional wrestler that's poised to pretty much run the WWE someday.

Though this may look more... accurate than those N64 games, I still have to say that this looks pretty terrible. Even at its best, video game hair technology sort of sucks. Maybe Trips got tired of waiting for the consoles to catch up with him and took the easy way out?

See? Not even close. Ipso facto, modern machines are more powerful than older ones. And we wouldn't ever be able to come to this conclusion if it wasn't for Triple H's classic 'do. So it's with some sadness that I bring this report to you, dear reader. The only consolation I can offer is that every time an longtime pro wrestler cuts off his shitty heavy metal hair, the easier it is to see them calling moves in the ring. And, really, isn't that what sports entertainment is all about?

#2 Posted by Oscar__Explosion (2364 posts) -

the hell?

#3 Posted by 5eNintendan (64 posts) -

Was so damn close

#4 Posted by Sgtpierceface (632 posts) -

Poor Jeff.

#5 Posted by MaxxS (204 posts) -

Triple H has no concept of the weight of his crimes, does he?

Online
#6 Edited by MooseyMcMan (11309 posts) -

Madness!

Just use "Classic Triple H." In the games, I mean. Retro costumes.

Moderator
#7 Posted by Heti (54 posts) -

This is going to blur the line between the console generations even more!!

#8 Posted by Brother_PipPop (256 posts) -

Godbless you gerts man.

#9 Posted by NoobSauceG7 (1258 posts) -

WHAT THE FUCK!

#10 Posted by Hockeymask27 (3683 posts) -

Best Article ever!

RIP HHH's Hair

#11 Posted by Schatzy23 (163 posts) -

sad face

#12 Posted by MeatSim (10898 posts) -

We are incapable of telling if graphics have improved now.

#13 Posted by thirteenyahs (128 posts) -

September 5th, 2012. Worst day in history.

#14 Posted by MagusMaleficus (1041 posts) -

Goddamn, I love me some Botchamania.

#15 Posted by Oldirtybearon (4851 posts) -

Sometimes Jeff just hits it out of the park.

God bless Gerstmann.

#16 Posted by HarlequinRiot (1098 posts) -

Probably the best and worst news story ever posted on the site.

#17 Posted by Demoskinos (15019 posts) -

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

#18 Posted by kishinfoulux (2402 posts) -

LMAO

#19 Posted by Shinmaru007 (335 posts) -

I would like to buy Triple H's hair.

#20 Posted by LadyShayne (133 posts) -

He doesn't even look like Triple H in that first pic. The haircut paired with the suit seems...lawyer worthy. A sad day indeed.

#21 Posted by SlightConfuse (3963 posts) -

End of an era

#22 Posted by TruthTellah (9323 posts) -

I have suddenly lost all perspective on the world around me.

#23 Posted by GigaMunch (98 posts) -

How will we know if the Durango is superior now!?

#24 Posted by Catarrhal (840 posts) -

Damn you, Paul Levesque! Damn you!

#25 Posted by GorillaMoPena (2220 posts) -

Wrestling ponytails are on their death bed, Paul Heyman is clinging to an era.

#26 Posted by BoomSnapClap113 (185 posts) -

Jeff, you are truly a comedic genius.

#27 Posted by Kentobi (88 posts) -

THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT

#28 Posted by stalefishies (335 posts) -

But WWE13 including not one, not two, but three Triple H variants means that long-haired Triple H can live on in the medium of people wishing it was still the Attitude era, and so, assuming this ideology continues, a lack of long-haired Triple H could well not be a problem. Basically, this article is poorly researched, and is indicative of the embarrassingly poor quality of video game journalism, and you should feel ashamed of yourself for this blatant fishing for article hits.
 
Also Triple H looks fucking stupid with short hair.

#29 Posted by Gaspar (53 posts) -

Jeff this is one of the many reasons why I like your style.

#30 Posted by Brandino (260 posts) -

@Demoskinos said:

A botchamania youtube video in a news article on Giantbomb? My life is complete. THANK YOU BASED GERSTMANN.

This is easily my favorite article on any game site. I have ALWAYS judged tech and especially the quality of a wrestling game from his hair. RIP HHH's hair.

#31 Posted by Brisaac (28 posts) -

Top rated journalism.

But no, seriously, in game hair sucks. I can't think of a single game that does it right.

#32 Posted by LiK (924 posts) -

ROFL

#33 Posted by cooljammer00 (1894 posts) -

I think he was the last one, right? Jericho, Edge, Christian...I can't think of anyone else, and I'm ignoring DX/NWO nonsense.

Also, TMZ...that's not really "shaving his head". He just cut it short.

#34 Edited by BelligerentEngine (348 posts) -

Calm down Jeff, Hunter has done this before, he shaved his head at the 2010 tribute to the troops. I assume the pure golden locks were melted down and donated to a venterancy fund of some kind.

Point is... It'll grow back like before.

#35 Posted by Milkman (17035 posts) -

Thank You Hunter *clap clap clapclapclap* Thank You Hunter

Online
#36 Posted by ValiantGoat (377 posts) -

The end of an era.

#37 Posted by csl316 (8989 posts) -

DAMMIT

#38 Posted by ragbag (44 posts) -

LEAVE THE MEMORIES ALONE

#39 Posted by ShadowConqueror (3067 posts) -

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

#40 Posted by nohthink (1223 posts) -

LOL I like how this is an article 

#41 Posted by giant_frying_pan (64 posts) -

Didn't even lay it down in a hair match. No sense for the business!

#42 Posted by CptMorganCA (208 posts) -

@Brisaac said:

Top rated journalism. But no, seriously, in game hair sucks. I can't think of a single game that does it right.

Alice: Madness Returns comes to mind, but I can't think of any "realistic" game with good hair.

#43 Posted by MikeGosot (3227 posts) -
@MooseyMcMan said:

Madness!

Just use "Classic Triple H." In the games, I mean. Retro costumes.

That's not needed. Now, the new Triple H won't be in games, just the old one. The REAL one.
#44 Posted by Bourbon_Warrior (4523 posts) -

more of this please

#45 Posted by Nytrik (153 posts) -

I love this website so goddamn much.

#46 Posted by WJist (314 posts) -

THANKS OBAMA

#47 Posted by LostFlock (86 posts) -

Wrestlemania 2000, good times...

#48 Posted by laserbolts (5331 posts) -

This is a sad day in sports entertainment.

#49 Posted by JoeyRavn (4995 posts) -

So... "Triple H's mane" confirmed as a card for the Giant Bomb Edition of Cards Against Humanity?

#50 Posted by Scratch (628 posts) -

Never seen a botchamania video before. Man.

This edit will also create new pages on Giant Bomb for:

Beware, you are proposing to add brand new pages to the wiki along with your edits. Make sure this is what you intended. This will likely increase the time it takes for your changes to go live.

Comment and Save

Until you earn 1000 points all your submissions need to be vetted by other Giant Bomb users. This process takes no more than a few hours and we'll send you an email once approved.