Carmen Sandiego Will Be the Next Thing Jennifer Lopez Ruins for Everyone

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Posted by Alex (1828 posts) -

It's well-documented fact that education was an awful, unbearable experience until the mid-'80s, when the popularization of edutainment software helped soften the blow of useful information like the location of the Eiffel Tower and how much buffalo meat a covered wagon could carry across the country being bludgeoned into children's brains by tricking them into believing they were just playing dumb video games and not actually learning things. Chief among these edutaining pieces of software was Broderbund's Carmen Sandiego franchise, a series of history and geography lessons disguised ingeniously as a race across the country, the globe, and even time and space itself to capture a master thief with an inexplicable and perhaps poorly-considered penchant for stealing gigantic geographical landmarks that would seem extremely difficult to hawk on the black market.

Lynne Thigpen is not having this bullshit.

The Carmen Sandiego series endured for years, with a wonderful PBS game show spawning out of the franchise's popularity during the '90s, as well as an animated series that produced a few lousy action adventure game spin-offs in the early 2000s. However, no film studio has yet seen fit to turn this absurd tale of a trenchcoated crazy lady stealing entire pieces of geography into a film--until now!

Presumably not content to merely have ruined Ben Affleck's movie career, Marc Anthony's anything career, American Idol (or at least what few unruined vestiges still remained), and Fiat's last remaining chances of breaking strong into the American auto market, Deadline is reporting that former Fly Girl Jennifer Lopez will apparently produce and possibly star in an upcoming film adaptation of Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego? guaranteed to ruin your fond childhood memories of the games. How do I know it will do this? Mostly because of the premise, which will reportedly play like "National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair," albeit likely with a greater emphasis on puns, and less on torrid sexual encounters between middle-aged attractive people.

So reads the film's logline:

When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

While Lopez's Puerto Rican heritage and assigned gender thus make her a viable candidate to play a woman with the last name Sandiego, I can't think of a less likable personality to slot into such a role. Fortunately, it's not a guarantee that she will, in fact, play the part, meaning there's still an outside chance that literally anyone else could take on the role. Is Rosario Dawson busy? How about Eva Mendes? Or Penelope Cruz? Is Rita Moreno still alive?

While you ponder better picks for the role of Carmen Sandiego, I'll leave you with this old school Rockapella jam, in which they searingly indict the clandestine banking system of Switzerland, an indictment made all the more relevant by the financial turmoil and class warfare of the modern era. Truly, there is no more timeless and poignant music than that of Rockapella.

Staff
#1 Posted by Alex (1828 posts) -

It's well-documented fact that education was an awful, unbearable experience until the mid-'80s, when the popularization of edutainment software helped soften the blow of useful information like the location of the Eiffel Tower and how much buffalo meat a covered wagon could carry across the country being bludgeoned into children's brains by tricking them into believing they were just playing dumb video games and not actually learning things. Chief among these edutaining pieces of software was Broderbund's Carmen Sandiego franchise, a series of history and geography lessons disguised ingeniously as a race across the country, the globe, and even time and space itself to capture a master thief with an inexplicable and perhaps poorly-considered penchant for stealing gigantic geographical landmarks that would seem extremely difficult to hawk on the black market.

Lynne Thigpen is not having this bullshit.

The Carmen Sandiego series endured for years, with a wonderful PBS game show spawning out of the franchise's popularity during the '90s, as well as an animated series that produced a few lousy action adventure game spin-offs in the early 2000s. However, no film studio has yet seen fit to turn this absurd tale of a trenchcoated crazy lady stealing entire pieces of geography into a film--until now!

Presumably not content to merely have ruined Ben Affleck's movie career, Marc Anthony's anything career, American Idol (or at least what few unruined vestiges still remained), and Fiat's last remaining chances of breaking strong into the American auto market, Deadline is reporting that former Fly Girl Jennifer Lopez will apparently produce and possibly star in an upcoming film adaptation of Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego? guaranteed to ruin your fond childhood memories of the games. How do I know it will do this? Mostly because of the premise, which will reportedly play like "National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair," albeit likely with a greater emphasis on puns, and less on torrid sexual encounters between middle-aged attractive people.

So reads the film's logline:

When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero? The property originated as an educational computer game before it was turned into an animated TV series.

While Lopez's Puerto Rican heritage and assigned gender thus make her a viable candidate to play a woman with the last name Sandiego, I can't think of a less likable personality to slot into such a role. Fortunately, it's not a guarantee that she will, in fact, play the part, meaning there's still an outside chance that literally anyone else could take on the role. Is Rosario Dawson busy? How about Eva Mendes? Or Penelope Cruz? Is Rita Moreno still alive?

While you ponder better picks for the role of Carmen Sandiego, I'll leave you with this old school Rockapella jam, in which they searingly indict the clandestine banking system of Switzerland, an indictment made all the more relevant by the financial turmoil and class warfare of the modern era. Truly, there is no more timeless and poignant music than that of Rockapella.

Staff
#2 Edited by g6065 (270 posts) -

Jenny, Jenny from the block?

#3 Posted by AidanGS (7 posts) -

I don't see how this could possibly go wrong.

#4 Posted by superxash (12 posts) -

This wasn't a hugely epic series to begin with... save for the cartoon.

I'd love to see a sort of "Catch Me If You Can" meets "Arsene Lupin" type scenario.

#5 Posted by CheapPoison (708 posts) -

ow... this isn't cewl.

#6 Posted by soiledsanchez (75 posts) -

i dont like carmen san diego anyway so yea, fuck it

#7 Posted by mustachioeugene (483 posts) -

I hope the soundtrack is nothing but a capella remixes of J. Lo tracks.

#8 Posted by Kirbichu54 (119 posts) -

Well that video was better than the rest of the news. This'll go smoothly.

#9 Posted by qraham (64 posts) -

Where in the world is jenny from the block?!?

#10 Posted by TheGreatGuero (9130 posts) -

... How did this end up on Giant Bomb too? Very classy, man.

#11 Posted by Branthog (7332 posts) -

This falls into the category of things that are twenty or thirty years old or greater and that I therefore could not fucking care less about seeing ruined because . . . you know, it was decades ago and I'm an adult now. Like Transformers. Go ahead. Butcher it. Ruin it. It doesn't impact anyone except the one guy in his basement with a massive collection of Carmen Sandiego crap.

#12 Posted by Doctorchimp (4063 posts) -

How can you miss her ass?

She won't be hiding for long.

#13 Posted by NickLott (790 posts) -

THE WARRANT!

#14 Posted by fox01313 (5033 posts) -

Thanks Hollowood, why not just try to make a better Super Mario Brothers movie while you're at it. Hope this movie just dies out right here with the other loosely game related films planned for the near future as they all tend to bite.

#15 Posted by BlazeHedgehog (1072 posts) -

This article is a little too cynical for my tastes. I mean, I know all the pieces are in place for this to be possibly terrible, but this feels like it's being a little too definitive about it.

#16 Posted by Toug (286 posts) -

@TheGreatGuero: As noted in the article, Carmen Sandiego was originally created as a video game franchise.

#17 Posted by Andyman067 (26 posts) -

Man, I loved Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego. I still play it occasionally.

#18 Posted by LTSmash (556 posts) -

With this news, I now eagerly await the feature adaptations of Ghost Writer and Wishbone.

#19 Posted by Slique (128 posts) -

This sucks, mostly because a friend and I recently set about writing our own Carmen Sandiego reimanging on spec (we're both writers, and he works for a production company in LA) only to find out someone had already beaten us to the rights. And I guess this is it. Awful. Does it count if I protest our idea was much better?

#20 Posted by SethMode (40 posts) -

This is why we can't have nice things.

#21 Posted by wickedsc3 (1046 posts) -

That's ok, we all know where the real Carmen Sandiego is. Back in the 80's and 90's.

#22 Posted by White_Silhouette (468 posts) -

I stopped being surprised when I heard they were making a Battleship movie.

Loved the old Carmen games, not going to bother seeing the movie unless it gets amazing reviews.

#23 Posted by blacklab (1475 posts) -

Well that's just silly.

#24 Posted by Ravenlight (8033 posts) -

@superxash said:

This wasn't a hugely epic series to begin with... save for the cartoon.

I'd love to see a sort of "Catch Me If You Can" meets "Arsene Lupin" type scenario.

Yes...YES! Somebody make this happen!

Also: How exactly is this more than tangentially videogame-related? While it's a great article, I'd have thought it would be more appropriate to Screened.

#25 Posted by clumsyninja1 (817 posts) -

Wasn't there a cartoon about Carmen San Diego?

#26 Posted by Mystyr_E (1172 posts) -

Robo-crook!

......iiiiiin jaiiiiiiil

#27 Posted by SpaceRunaway (809 posts) -
#28 Posted by wewantsthering (1459 posts) -

I greatly dislike the way Alex writes his headlines. How about just "Jennifer Lopez to Star in Carmen Sandiego Movie" then complain about how he doesn't like that fact inside of the article? It just seems like sloppy journalism to me. Maybe there should there be a separate opinion section on GiantBomb? This is not a news article. It's Alex's opinion on a news item.

#29 Posted by antwane (24 posts) -

@wewantsthering: I got to agree with you there. Report the news and let the comments section do their thing.

#30 Edited by The_Patriarch (274 posts) -

@wewantsthering: There are so many other sites you can go to for news if you want stale regurgitations of press releases and news stories from other sites/publications. Giant Bombs coverage of news will never be that when it's a site built up around its personalities, in both video and text.

@Jerome85: Carmen Sandiego started off as video games.

#31 Posted by Jerome85 (258 posts) -

This is a video game website, just saying.

#32 Posted by wewantsthering (1459 posts) -

@The_Patriarch said:

@wewantsthering: There are so many other sites you can go to for news if you want stale regurgitations of press releases and news stories from other sites/publications. Giant Bombs coverage of news will never be that when it's a site built up around its personalities, in both video and text.

I see what you're saying, but I'm not suggesting that all personality should be excluded from news articles. I personally think that Patrick does a great job a balancing between reporting and injecting his own personality and opinion into it. It's all in the presentation. It's mostly the article and goofy pictures that irritate me on Alex's articles. I think Alex has a lot of great talents, but writing news articles just doesn't seem to be one of them.

#33 Posted by Dalai (6880 posts) -

I nominate that headline for the Alex Navarro Presents: The Alex Navarro Award for the Best Alex Navarro Headline of 2011.

#34 Posted by Juicebox (485 posts) -

@Slique:

I'm gonna go ahead and say yes.

You should still do it but instead call it '' Shlarmin San Fransisco'' or something..

#35 Posted by Mesoian (1570 posts) -

NO!!!!!!!!!!! NO NO NO! One of the few things that brings me joy in this world is the old theme song from the game show!

Hollywood must be stopped! THIS IS TOO FAR!

#36 Posted by Raven10 (1596 posts) -

I read the headline, realized that only Alex could write a headline like that, clicked the link, and read an article of pure Alex greatness. Hilarious, if not exactly fair to Jennifer Lopez.

#37 Posted by risseless (477 posts) -

"Lynne Thigpen is not having this bullshit."

I can always tell when Alex writes an article without having to read the tagline.

#38 Edited by The_Patriarch (274 posts) -

@wewantsthering: But then we're just arguing about tastes when it comes to their personalities. It's totally fair if you dont like Alex' snark and silly pictures. But I personally always find the text under the pictures that Patrick chooses super generic and unneeded. Thus, Id rather have a joke, rather than for example "Xbox Live's interface has changed over the years, as has Microsoft's security responses." which was on a random pic I found in a Klepek article just now. Im just saying you should expect personality in the writing here. And to say Alex can't write is crazy talk. See Gem of a Jam for a recent example.

On a sidenote, does a news story about J-Lo and a movie based on some old video games and cartoons really warrant a super serious tone?

#39 Posted by wewantsthering (1459 posts) -

@The_Patriarch: The only preference that I'm talking about is preferring well written, unbiased, interesting news articles. I'm not saying Alex is a bad writer. I'm saying he is terrible at writing news articles. I would love to see his articles under an opinion section. They simply have too much opinion/personality/goofiness to be under the News Headlines section of GiantBomb. I actually like Alex a lot. I like his reviews and (in the old days) his video reviews.

About Sidenote: Yes it does when it's a news item. It doesn't matter how silly the thing you are reporting on is. The point is to relay the news.

#40 Posted by Solh0und (1680 posts) -

@SethMode said:

This is why we can't have nice things.

Hah!

#41 Posted by scraz (74 posts) -
#42 Posted by Xeirus (1279 posts) -

@wewantsthering said:

@The_Patriarch: The only preference that I'm talking about is preferring well written, unbiased, interesting news articles. I'm not saying Alex is a bad writer. I'm saying he is terrible at writing news articles. I would love to see his articles under an opinion section. They simply have too much opinion/personality/goofiness to be under the News Headlines section of GiantBomb. I actually like Alex a lot. I like his reviews and (in the old days) his video reviews.

About Sidenote: Yes it does when it's a news item. It doesn't matter how silly the thing you are reporting on is. The point is to relay the news.

You're way too serious about a game website. If you don't like the article move on. How do you seriously have enough time in your life to complain about such stupid things?

#43 Posted by The_Patriarch (274 posts) -

@wewantsthering: Fair enough. I dont think video games are SERIOUS BUSINESS as much as some people seem to do, which I guess is why I appreciate Alex' writing. To each his own and all that. Just don't expect the guy to change now. ;p

#44 Posted by wewantsthering (1459 posts) -

@Xeirus said:

@wewantsthering said:

@The_Patriarch: The only preference that I'm talking about is preferring well written, unbiased, interesting news articles. I'm not saying Alex is a bad writer. I'm saying he is terrible at writing news articles. I would love to see his articles under an opinion section. They simply have too much opinion/personality/goofiness to be under the News Headlines section of GiantBomb. I actually like Alex a lot. I like his reviews and (in the old days) his video reviews.

About Sidenote: Yes it does when it's a news item. It doesn't matter how silly the thing you are reporting on is. The point is to relay the news.

You're way too serious about a game website. If you don't like the article move on. How do you seriously have enough time in your life to complain about such stupid things?

I take journalism seriously. :-) You apparently had just enough time to write your comment about me wasting my time. I'm actually not a super serious person. I'm just serious about news, and how it's presented. I think Alex is hilarious.

#45 Posted by GunslingerPanda (4480 posts) -

So does this make J-Lo's "cunt-hood" official now?

#46 Posted by wewantsthering (1459 posts) -

@The_Patriarch: I think people should take video games more seriously as a whole because it's a multi-billion dollar industry. I think his articles feel strange compared to the mood set by all the other articles on the site. Anyways. This was fun. :-) I quite enjoy arguing.

#47 Posted by RsistncE (4496 posts) -

This is pretty borderline video game related news, but I'll bite.

#48 Posted by Veektarius (4148 posts) -

Remember those games fondly, but there's probably no right way to bring it back; not for the people who liked the old one, anyway

#49 Posted by The_Patriarch (274 posts) -

@wewantsthering: It's that kind of thinking that leads to EA and Activision business practices. :P

#50 Posted by lockwoodx (2479 posts) -

I'd rather it was Salma Hayek.

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