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Kim Jong-il Funding His War Against the Imperialist Pig-Dogs With MMO Gold Farming

The North Korean despot has assembled an army of super hackers to mine gold from various MMOs popular in the South.

In a piece of news that really hammers home exactly how absurd international espionage can be, the New York Times reported over the weekend that the North Korean government has found a new way to bolster its never-ending war against the fascist capitalist system (not to mention bolster Kim Jong-il's personal cognac and Blu-ray collections in the process): gold farming.

"Yo, you got Minesweeper on that thing?"

Yes, the current illegal activity of choice for every lazy dirtbag tired of emailing people at random about cheap dick pills and Nigerian princes has now become an officially sanctioned practice by the Great Leader and whoever happened to be in the room at the time to nod approvingly at his divine suggestion.

According to the NYT piece, the South Korean government has specifically accused the North of setting up hacked computers to mine gold in both Lineage and Dungeon Fighter, two MMOs that are still quite popular in South Korea. Evidently, Seoul police recently arrested a group of five (four South Koreans, and a Chinese resident) who are tied to a group of hackers based in Northern China. These hackers set up the accounts and computers to mine the gold, then sell it over the web. Over the course of two years, the group amassed profits of roughly $6 million, 55% of which was distributed among the group itself. A portion of that 55% was forwarded to agents in North Korea, on order from the government.

The most screenplay-ready part of this story is the detail that explains where these hackers came from. Evidently, nearly all are graduates from North Korea's most prestigious science universities, which apparently are at least capable of teaching nuclear science, computer hacking, and probably air conditioning repair also, thus making them the world's most dangerous equivalent of a DeVry Institute. Anyway, all the hackers report back to a "shadowy" section of the North Korean government called "Office 39." This is the same section of the government believed to be dealing in illegal weapons and narcotics trafficking for the sake of amassing more funds for Kim Jong-il's assorted nefarious schemes. So now we can add gold farming to the category of things used to fund nuclear terrorism. Awesome.

Unsurprisingly, the North Korean government rebutted the claims, and blamed the accusations on an invented South Korean conspiracy, which of course sounds totally reasonable.

By the way, that image comes from the Tumblr blog "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things" which is just about the best thing ever.

Alex Navarro on Google+

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alex

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Edited By alex

In a piece of news that really hammers home exactly how absurd international espionage can be, the New York Times reported over the weekend that the North Korean government has found a new way to bolster its never-ending war against the fascist capitalist system (not to mention bolster Kim Jong-il's personal cognac and Blu-ray collections in the process): gold farming.

"Yo, you got Minesweeper on that thing?"

Yes, the current illegal activity of choice for every lazy dirtbag tired of emailing people at random about cheap dick pills and Nigerian princes has now become an officially sanctioned practice by the Great Leader and whoever happened to be in the room at the time to nod approvingly at his divine suggestion.

According to the NYT piece, the South Korean government has specifically accused the North of setting up hacked computers to mine gold in both Lineage and Dungeon Fighter, two MMOs that are still quite popular in South Korea. Evidently, Seoul police recently arrested a group of five (four South Koreans, and a Chinese resident) who are tied to a group of hackers based in Northern China. These hackers set up the accounts and computers to mine the gold, then sell it over the web. Over the course of two years, the group amassed profits of roughly $6 million, 55% of which was distributed among the group itself. A portion of that 55% was forwarded to agents in North Korea, on order from the government.

The most screenplay-ready part of this story is the detail that explains where these hackers came from. Evidently, nearly all are graduates from North Korea's most prestigious science universities, which apparently are at least capable of teaching nuclear science, computer hacking, and probably air conditioning repair also, thus making them the world's most dangerous equivalent of a DeVry Institute. Anyway, all the hackers report back to a "shadowy" section of the North Korean government called "Office 39." This is the same section of the government believed to be dealing in illegal weapons and narcotics trafficking for the sake of amassing more funds for Kim Jong-il's assorted nefarious schemes. So now we can add gold farming to the category of things used to fund nuclear terrorism. Awesome.

Unsurprisingly, the North Korean government rebutted the claims, and blamed the accusations on an invented South Korean conspiracy, which of course sounds totally reasonable.

By the way, that image comes from the Tumblr blog "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things" which is just about the best thing ever.

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Wuddel

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Edited By Wuddel

Pig-Dogs?

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Clonedzero

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Edited By Clonedzero

so now gold farming really IS evil

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zombie2011

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Edited By zombie2011

I've never heard of those MMO's i thought it would be WOW.

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Nautilus1515

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Edited By Nautilus1515

yeah

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Majkiboy

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Edited By Majkiboy

Soo rooonrey

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NS1126

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Edited By NS1126

Scary... not. I think right now we have bigger things to worry about than what North Korean farmers do in some unknown MMOs.
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JoeyRavn

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Edited By JoeyRavn

Who else but Alex? :D

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deactivated-6041dd7056393

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Foreigners are funny.

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Bigheart711

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Edited By Bigheart711

Knew it was evil all along....

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Rayeth

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Edited By Rayeth

How long until playing WoW is considered an act of terrorism? Hopefully not much longer.

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jozzy

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Edited By jozzy

Only 6 million in 2 years? Don't drop the illegal weapons and narcotics trade just yet...

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Shadow_Drone

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Edited By Shadow_Drone

Alex, you shouldn't be posting articles from The Onion......
 
 
 
 
OH SHIT THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL??

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tebbit

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Edited By tebbit

That picture is straight outta some 70's Bold film. Or at the very least, Thunderbirds.

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MachoFantastico

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Edited By MachoFantastico

Team America 2: Gold Farmer of Evil.

Trey and Matt, you finally have your sequel.

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Video_Game_King

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Edited By Video_Game_King

The more I look at him, the more he looks like my grandma.

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deactivated-5cc8838532af0

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Wow, I don't even...

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august

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Edited By august

Alex headline.

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Grissefar

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Edited By Grissefar

C'mon Alex, you should really get someone else to write your titles, preferably Patrick.

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landhawk

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Edited By landhawk

Maybe people will take buying gold a little more seriously now, knowing that the funds could be going to fund a brutal dictatorship. To remind them of this fact I propose we make posters to place around internet cafes.  "With gold you buy, people die!" underneath a looming shadowy north-korean with a laptop.
 
...Will this just get confused with a Homefront sequel?

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DougQuaid

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Edited By DougQuaid

Office 39? DUDE WHAT?!

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Tennmuerti

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Edited By Tennmuerti

Delicious.

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MisterMouse

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That is really crazy.... like really crazy.

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Makoto_Mizuhara_Sakamoto

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@LandHawk: No... though I wish it were.
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ilovebees

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Edited By ilovebees

I guess in the North Korean army ranks it goes private, sergeant, Gold Farmer

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EuanDewar

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blacklab

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Edited By blacklab

teh fuk?

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artofwar420

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crusader8463

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Edited By crusader8463

Video Games will destroy the world!

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2HeadedNinja

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Edited By 2HeadedNinja

This is so hilarious that a new word should be invented to celebrate this.

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punpun

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Edited By punpun
I so hope this is true.
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zanshin

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Edited By zanshin

So Kim Jong Il is the one keeping blu-ray in business.  So the patriotic thing to do would be to stop buying blu-rays.

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kollay

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Edited By kollay

Seumdwa!

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zameer

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Edited By zameer

Easily Alex's best piece here

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Dingofighter

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Edited By Dingofighter

I love "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things"!

Best damn website ever made, yes, better than Giant Bomb. Just look at this:

No Caption Provided

Amazing! A real world leader in action right there.

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Osiris

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Edited By Osiris

Lineage, god... people still play that game?

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GunnBjorn

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Edited By GunnBjorn
@crusader8463 said:
Video Games will destroy the world!

Do you have any idea how eerily close to the truth you are with that comment...?
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Vexxan

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Edited By Vexxan

Video games funding North Korea's crazy ideas? I say ban 'em!

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lockwoodx

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Edited By lockwoodx

Yes, the current illegal activity of choice for every lazy dirtbag tired of emailing people at random about cheap dick pills and Nigerian princes has now become an officially sanctioned practice by the Great Leader and whoever happened to be in the room at the time to nod approvingly at his divine suggestion.
 

This is the best thing I've ever read on this site. Kudos to Alex
 
edit: damn this site is getting buggy with firefox. Have to switch between new and old editors constantly.

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sjupp

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Edited By sjupp

@Wuddel said:

Pig-Dogs?

Yeah, pugs.

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bacongames

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Edited By bacongames

Nothing about this story is not amazing. I am that much happier because of this story, thanks Alex!

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pslayer666

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Edited By pslayer666

that's some crazy shit right there man. wtf? o_O 
 
Dr Evil and all...

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gunharp

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Edited By gunharp

Screenplay-ready? I think its perfect for a video game sequel to:

Ninja Style
Ninja Style
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abendlaender

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What? What's happening? Seriously, what's going on?

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Von

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Edited By Von

That first image is hilarious. I can hear the supervisor of that place telling those dudes in the back "Here's your chair and there's your wall-section! Now stare, dammit, stare on it for our glorious leader!".

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beforet

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Edited By beforet

Can I play MMOs for his gloriousness?

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Bollard

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Edited By Bollard
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Kyreo

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Edited By Kyreo

I haven't heard someone say Pig Dogs since.... well, since this!

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MemphisSlim

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Edited By MemphisSlim

Yikes. I wonder if his cronies will be getting in on the Diablo III auction house... 
 
Nah, it'd probably be too much work to find good items people would want to buy.

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BraveFart

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Edited By BraveFart
@MaFoLu said:

I love "Kim Jong-il Looking At Things"!

Best damn website ever made, yes, better than Giant Bomb. Just look at this:

No Caption Provided

Amazing! A real world leader in action right there.

A hungry Kim Jong-il appeared !