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Maybe We Should Start Issuing More Press Releases

UK's Official Nintendo Magazine really wants you to read its next issue.

 Collect 'em all?
 Collect 'em all?
You know, this might only be funny to people who write about games for a living. Or maybe I'm just being a dick. I can't really tell anymore. Either way, Future issued a press release this morning to let us all know about the next issue of Official Nintendo Magazine. The UK book is running its Super Mario Galaxy 2 review in the next issue, and apparently someone's pretty stoked about that. Stoked enough to use "latest Miyamoto masterpiece gets six limited edition covers and massive ten-page review" as the sub-head.

Here's one bit that I found particularly hilarious.

Ahead of Super Mario Galaxy 2 hitting UK stores on Friday 11th June, from Wednesday 12th May Official Nintendo Magazine offers gamers six limited edition covers and a set of exclusive badges, as well as the only review that matters. With a spectacular ten-page review, Official Nintendo Magazine has the definitive verdict on the latest and greatest Mario game.

OK... you've already called it the "latest Miyamoto masterpiece" and you're devoting SIX covers to the game. Are you really going to sit there with a straight face and claim that your official review is "the only review that matters?" You've already tipped your hand! Why would anyone read one page of that review, let alone 10?

Hey guys, do you think Official Nintendo Magazine likes that Super Mario Galaxy 2 game? Call me crazy, but I bet it'll review pretty well.

Personally, I'd love to see them put together six separate covers, call it "Miyamoto's latest masterpiece," and then give it a 60 or something. Of course, that'd be unfair to the game, which appears to be at least somewhat awesome, but a guy can dream, right?

"Hooray, the latest Mario masterpiece is here, collect all six covers and read our 10-pager, and then at the end see that we've given it a 6/10 because it's somewhat middling! The only review that matters!"

I won't even get into how absurd the idea of devoting 10 pages to a review is. Of course, if I was running a magazine devoted to Nintendo's platforms, I'd probably do the same thing. Heck, for a release this monumental, they might as well just devote the entire book to it this month. And next month.

The release closes with a quote from the magazine's editor, Neil Long.

“Super Mario Galaxy 2 is a very special game and to celebrate that we’ve done something very special with this issue. The top notch packaging and different magazine covers reflect the breathtaking quality and diversity within Miyamoto’s latest masterpiece. Combined with several other new projects we’re working on at the moment, it’s an exciting time to be at Official Nintendo Magazine.”

I sympathize with Mr. Long here, as this whole press release seems like something an editorial staff would have nothing to do with. He probably just picked his head up off of his desk one morning to see some excitable marketing person standing there, ranting about multiple covers and getting quotes approved for a press release. Sensing a pounding hangover coming on, he probably said "sure, sure, whatever you need to write, go ahead" and went back to sitting in the darkness. At least, that's how it always happened to me. Next thing I knew, photos of me with soda logos where my eyes should be were circulating around the office as part of some crazy sales pitch, and I decided to start paying more attention in meetings.

OK, so, let's reflect on what we've learned about the next Mario game:

  • It's the "latest Miyamoto masterpiece."
  • It's big enough to warrant 10 pages of review coverage.
  • It's eventful enough to warrant six different covers, one of which is exclusive to subscribers.
  • It contains "breathtaking quality and diversity."
  • The Official Nintendo Magazine review is the "only review that matters."

Be sure to keep all that in mind when all of the other completely useless, unofficial, and non-exclusive reviews start hitting closer to the game's May 23 street date.
Jeff Gerstmann on Google+