ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER is the soul of the internet made manifest.
WELL WHEN WE LAST LEFT OL' ZODIAC HE WAS DRUNK AND LIVING AT A MOTEL 6 IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. HIS YEARS IN EXILE HAD PAID OFF: HE HAD AT LAST REALIZED HIS LIFELONG GOAL OF TOTAL ALIENATION FROM HUMANITY. “I'M FINISHED” HE DECLARED AS HE WOKE UP BITTERLY HUNG OVER AND UTTERLY ALONE IN THAT SHITTY MOTEL ON CHRISTMAS MORNING. ALL CONNECTIONS CUT. ALL BRIDGES BURNED. NO ONE LEFT TO SEE AND NO ONE LEFT TO GIVE A FUCK. IT WAS FINALLY ACCOMPLISHED. BUT THEN THE STRANGEST THING HAPPENED…
IN 2018 ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER FOUND LOVE. HE RETIRED (FOR AWHILE). HE MADE HIS GLORIOUS RETURN TO OLD DETROIT (SORT OF). HE KICKED THE BOOZE (NOT REALLY). AND HE FOUND HIMSELF AS CLOSE TO BEING A FAMILY MAN AS HE'S EVER BEEN. IT IS A TOUCHING TALE OF LOVE AND REDEMPTION. OF A WASTED LIFE AVERTED. OF FINDING MEANING IN A WORLD GONE BULLSHIT.
SO GET OUT YOUR STOPWATCHES AND WAIT FOR HIM TO FUCK IT ALL UP AT WWW.TWITTER.COM/ZODIAC_MF.
ZODIAC MOTHERFUCKER DID NOT LIKE TEN GAMES IN 2018. HERE ARE TEN GAMES THAT PISSED HIM OFF IN 2018.
10. FALLOUT 76
IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S OTHER PEOPLE. AND FOR SOME INCOMPREHENSIBLE FUCKING REASON BETHESDA SAW FIT TO INTRODUCE THIS DESPICABLE ELEMENT TO A FAVORITE FRANCHISE OF MINE. AS A RESULT I DIDN'T ACTUALLY PLAY THIS BUT THE VERY IDEA OF OTHER PEOPLE PISSES ME OFF, SO HERE IT IS.
9. DIVINITY: ORIGINAL SIN II
EVERY YEAR I DO THIS. I KID MYSELF INTO THINKING I LOVE OLD SCHOOL ISOMETRIC PC-STYLE RPGS AND BUY WHATEVER ONE IS OUT. AND A MONTH LATER THERE IT SITS ON MY READY-TO-INSTALL LIST RIGHT NEXT TO WASTELAND 2, PILLARS OF ETERNITY, TORMENT: TIDES OF NUMENARA, AND THE FIRST DIVINITY THAT I OF COURSE NEVER REALLY STARTED. IF I LIVE TO BE A THOUSAND YEARS OLD I'LL NEVER FINISH ONE OF THESE GODDAMN GAMES, YET I BUY THEM ALL THE SAME. IT SEEMS I JUST CAN'T RESIST THE PROSPECT OF IMPENETRABLE STATISTICAL SYSTEMS, PITILESS COMBAT DIFFICULTY, BI-HOURLY AUTOSAVES, AND SQUINTING AT MICROSCOPIC TEXT FROM ACROSS THE FUCKING ROOM FOR 200 HOURS. BUT I CAN SURE AS HELL RESIST ACTUALLY PLAYING THE DAMNED THING.
8. DEAD CELLS
“ITS A *METROIDVANIA* BUT WITH ROGUELIKE ASPECTS!” FUCK ROGUELIKE ASPECTS. NOTHING MAKES ME LOSE MY SHIT LIKE LOSING ALL MY FUCKING SHIT. JUST LET ME KEEP MY GODDAMN WAR SPEAR AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. AND IF I NEVER SEE THAT UGLY-ASS OPENING LEVEL AGAIN IT'LL BE TOO SOON.
7. BATTLEFIELD V
I PERSONALLY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYBODY'S POLITICS PAST MY OWN ENTHUSIASTIC DESIRE FOR WORLDWIDE NUCLEAR WAR, BUT EVEN A REASONABLE FELLOW LIKE MYSELF CAN'T HELP BUT BE ANNOYED BY THE TRASH ISLAND OF WACK TAKES THAT FLOATS IN THE WAKE OF THE BATTLEFIELD FRANCHISE. DID YOU KNOW? THAT NAZIS ARE BAD? THAT THE ARMIES THAT FOUGHT IN WORLD WAR II WERE LARGELY COMPRISED OF MEN? THAT WAR ISN'T ACTUALLY FUN? THAT THE ALLIES DID BAD THINGS TOO? THAT IN THIS THE REALM OF THE PHYSICAL YOU CAN NOT, IN FACT, STAND ON THE BACK OF A GALLOPING HORSE WHILE SHOOTING A FLAMETHROWER? BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T, THERE IS AN ARMY OF WIKIPEDIA SCHOLARS, SMIRKING YOUTUBERS, AND CONDESCENDING MORALIZING PSEUDOINTELLECTUALS ON GAMING SITES READY TO *BLOW YOUR FUCKING MIND* WITH THESE AND OTHER SHOCKING REVELATIONS.
THIS IS A SERIES WHERE EVERY COMMENTS SECTION OF EVERY ARTICLE ABOUT IT HAS MULTIPLE POSTS THAT BEGIN “I'M NEVER GOING TO PLAY THIS GAME BUT…” BEFORE UNLOADING AN AVALANCHE OF UNINFORMED HISTORIC/SOCIOECONOMIC/POLITICAL HORSESHIT. HELL, EVEN THE DEVELOPERS GET IN ON THIS NONSENSE, ALL WALLOWING IN THE MUD WITH THESE FUCKING PIGS. I'M SICK OF HEARING IT. FOR ALL YOU WINDBAGS USING THIS SILLY-ASS SHOOTER SERIES AS A JUMP-OFF FOR YOUR TRITE AND TIRED RANTS, HERE'S A CHEAT SHEET: NOBODY'S PLAYING BATTLEFIELD TO LEARN HOW TO BE A BETTER CITIZEN. NOBODY'S PLAYING BATTLEFIELD TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. PEOPLE PLAY BATTLEFIELD SO THAT THEY CAN BLOW BUCOLIC EUROPEAN HAMLETS ALL TO HELL AND SHOOT STRANGERS IN THE FACE. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.
6. ALTERED BEAST
REMEMBER ALTERED BEAST? THAT GARBAGE-ASS PACK-IN THAT CAME WITH THE SEGA GENESIS AND HAS BEEN STINKING UP SEGA COMPILATIONS EVER SINCE? WELL THIS YEAR I TOOK ON A FATHER FIGURE ROLE TO A CHILD WHO IS PRECOCIOUS IN THE WAYS OF OWNAGE, BUT FOR SOME REASON ALSO HAPPENS TO BE THE WORLD'S ONLY 7-YEAR-OLD ALTERED BEAST FAN. THE KID IS OBSESSED. SO ALL YEAR LONG I HAVE SUFFERED NUMEROUS ITERATIONS OF THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION:
KID: Let's play Altered Beast.
ZODIAC: MAN, ALTERED BEAST SUUUUUUUUUUCKS. IT SUCKED BACK IN THE '90S AND IT SUCKS NOW. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I OWN IT.
KID: I wanna play it.
ZODIAC: DUDE I GOT A TON OF OTHER SHIT WE CAN PLAY. I GOT DOOM. I GOT MORTAL KOMBAT X. I GOT HITMAN. I GOT GTA V. I GOT MOTHERFUCKING BUTCHER. I GOT FRIDAY THE 13TH. AND IF YOU WANNA PLAY SOME OLD SHIT I PROBABLY GOT MANHUNT LYING AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE.
KID: …
ZODIAC: SO WHAT DO YOU WANNA PLAY.
KID: Uh, DOOM.
ZODIAC: AWESOME.
KID: Just joking. Altered Beast.
ZODIAC: FUCK!
GETS ME EVERY TIME WITH THAT SHIT.
5. DARK SOULS REMASTERED
DARK SOULS IS A MASTERPIECE FOR THE AGES FOR ALL THE REASONS YOU’VE READ ABOUT A THOUSAND TIMES ALREADY: AWE-INSPIRING BOSSES. PUNISHING OWNAGE. AN ATMOSPHERE OF DREAD, SICKNESS, AND DECAY THAT HANGS ALL THE FUCK OVER IT. IF I LET MYSELF, I COULD PUT ON DARK SOULS RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND PLAY THAT SHIT FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT INSTEAD OF WASTING MY TIME SELFLESSLY ENTERTAINING YOU UNGRATEFUL ASSHOLES WITH THIS BULLSHIT. I'VE OWNED ORNSTEIN AND SMOUGH DOZENS OF TIMES AND I'LL CHEERFULLY DO IT AGAIN.
BUT SEE, NONE OF THAT IS WHAT I WAS EXCITED ABOUT THIS YEAR. NO, I SPENT THE FIRST HALF OF 2018 ZEALOUSLY ANTICIPATING THIS PEDESTRIAN REMASTER OF DARK SOULS FOR ONE REASON: THE OPPORTUNITY TO REINSTITUTE MY CAMPAIGN OF MURDER TERROR AND INCONVENIENCE ON A WHOLE NEW GENERATION OF INEXPERIENCED INNOCENTS VIA THE DARK SOULS INVASION MECHANIC. YES, DARK SOULS WARMLY INVITES YOU TO RAID OTHER PEOPLE'S GAMES SOLELY TO SPOIL THEIR ENJOYMENT, SO FOR MONTHS MY HEAD WAS FILLED WITH JUBILANT VISIONS OF BLISSFUL TORMENT AND EXQUISITE ANNOYANCE. HOW I WOULD REVEL IN THE TORTURE, THE SLAUGHTER, AND THE HARASSMENT OF THE UNDERPOWERED DENIZENS OF THESE FRESHLY POPULATED SERVERS. OH THE PATHS I WOULD BLOCK. THE TOXINS I WOULD UNLEASH. THE ABSURDLY OVERPOWERED COMBUSTION SPELLS I WOULD IGNITE. I LONGED TO ONCE AGAIN WATCH IMPASSIVELY AS MY VICTIMS THREW THEMSELVES OFF OF CLIFFS IN DESPAIR. IT WOULD BE *GRAND*.
ALAS THE DREAM WAS DENIED: DUE TO SOME BULLSHITASS REBALANCING BULLSHIT I CAN NO LONGER TAKE MY LEVEL 1 PYROMANCER WITH HIS +5 ASCENDED FLAME, +9 ARMOR AND, +5 LIGHTNING AXE AND INVADE SOME FRESH-OFF-THE-BUS SCRUB AND MAKE HIS LIFE HELL. NOW I GET PAIRED UP WITH AN EQUALLY MATCHED OPPONENT. NOW I GOTTA WORRY ABOUT MY VICTIMS FIGHTING BACK. JUST A VILE BETRAYAL. I MEAN, WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT? I'M NOT HERE FOR A FAIR FIGHT. I'M NOT HERE TO DUEL. I'M HERE TO FUCK YOU UP AND RUIN YOUR GOOD TIME. IT IS MY RIGHT. IT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR. YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, I GOT NOTHING. NOTHING!
GODDAMN. THEY JUST SUCK THE FUCKING JOY RIGHT OUT OF EVERYTHING, DON'T THEY?
4. FORTNITE
ALL I KNOW IS BACK IN MY DAY IF SOMEONE STARTED SHOOTING AT YOU, YOU SHOT BACK. YOU DIDN'T BUILD A MOTHERFUCKING DUTCH COLONIAL.
3. HITMAN 2
EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT MURDER IS A RIOT AND THE NEW HITMAN SERIES IS TESTAMENT TO THAT FACT. A ROLLICKING CELEBRATION OF HOMICIDE IN ITS MANY MAGNIFICENT FORMS, HITMAN 2 OFFERS DOZENS OF LOATHSOME ASSHOLES TO KILL AND COUNTLESS WAYS TO GO ABOUT KILLING THEM. SHOOT HER IN THE BACK. DROWN HIM IN A TOILET. SABOTAGE HER CAR. POISON HIS SPAGHETTI. THROW HER OFF A FUCKING BUILDING. BEAT HIM TO THE GROUND WITH A GOLF CLUB AND THEN BREAK HIS GODDAMN NECK. THE GAME IS LIMITED ONLY BY THE CREATIVITY OF YOUR OWN HOMICIDAL IMPULSES. BRUTAL? BUSINESSLIKE? HUMILIATING? IRONIC? WHATEVER YOUR PREFERRED FLAVOR OF KILLING, HITMAN 2 IS HERE TO ACCOMMODATE YOU. HELL I RAMMED A PEN THROUGH SEAN BEAN'S EYE, DUMPED HIS CORPSE IN A CLOSET, AND AMBLED THE FUCK OUT OF THERE LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO BE. THAT'S JUST ME. THATS JUST SOMETHING THAT I ENJOY. TOTAL FUCKING MURDEROUS OWNAGE.
ANYWAY, THIS GAME IS A BLAST AND HANDILY ONE OF MY FAVORITES OF THE YEAR, SO WHY DOES IT PISS ME OFF? BECAUSE IT'S BOMBING LIKE GEORGE METESKY AND AS A RESULT PROBABLY WON'T GET A SEQUEL. AND IT AIN'T BOMBING BECAUSE IT'S A BAD GAME. IT'S A GREAT FUCKING GAME. IT'S BOMBING BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU DIDN'T BUY IT. SO I BLAME YOU. YES YOU. I DON'T MEAN THE GENERAL YOU, AS IN THE GIANT BOMB READERSHIP, LIKE WHEN I CALLED YOU ALL ASSHOLES EARLIER. I'M TALKING ABOUT *YOU*. YOU PERSONALLY. FUCK *YOU*. THIS IS THE SERIES THAT GOT ME EXCITED ABOUT MURDER AGAIN AND YOU'RE FUCKING IT UP FOR ME. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. IT'S YOUR FAULT. YOU BETTER MAKE IT RIGHT.
2. RED DEAD REDEMPTION 2
“10/10! BEST GAME EVER!” WHAT A BUNCH OF FUCKING BULLLLLLLLLLLSHIT. JESUS, WHAT A SLOG. THE FUCKING DONNER PARTY SPENT LESS TIME STUCK IN THE MOUNTAINS THAN YOU DO IN THIS TARPIT OF A GAME. YOUR CHARACTER CONTROLS LIKE HE JUST WENT THROUGH A GODDAMN WINDSHIELD. YOUR HORSE HAS THE SPEED AND STAMINA OF BRIAN DENNEHY AND AN APPETITE TO MATCH. THE EXCRUCIATINGLY LONG AND DAINTY SEARCH ANIMATIONS ARE LIKE WATCHING A MAID WORK IN REAL TIME. AND THE MICROMANAGEMENT... HOLY GOD. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BE LIKE ROBBING STAGECOACHES AND BLOWING UP MINES AND SHOOTING FARMERS TO DEATH AND YEEHAWING MY WAY ACROSS THE AMERICAN SOUTHWEST BUT HERE I AM *BRUSHING MY FUCKING HORSE* AND SCRUBBING MY GODDAMN PITS.
“BUT THE STORY! ITS ALL ABOUT THE STORY!” YEAH, SURE. THE TIMELESS STORY OF ZODIAC STARING AT A HORSE'S ASS FOR AN HOUR WHILE SOME JERKOFF NPC JAWS AT ME, WHAT A FUCKING PAGE-TURNER. BY THE THIRD INTERMINABLE CHATTY FUCKING WAGON RIDE I WAS READY TO TAPE NEEDLES TO MY EYES LIKE THE KILLER IN OPERA JUST TO STAY AWAKE. AND REALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK A VIDEO GAME STORY. OR AT LEAST FUCK A VIDEO GAME STORY THE WAY ROCKSTAR TELLS IT. FUCK CONVERSATIONS WHERE I HAVE NO INPUT. FUCK THESE DRUDGEROUS ROCKSTAR CUTSCENES THAT GO ON FOR DAYS. AND MEGAFUCK A MISERABLE FUCKING LONG-ASS CHATTY FUCKING WAGON RIDE. TOTAL ZONEOUT EVERY TIME. IT JUST AIN'T WHAT I'M HERE FOR. ACTIVE PARTICIPATION YOU MOTHERFUCKERS. THATS WHAT'S REQUIRED HERE. IF I WANNA SIT HERE LIKE AN ASSHOLE WATCHING *SIXTY HOURS* OF A STORY I HAVE NO IMPACT ON THEN I'LL BINGE ON A TELEVISION SERIES. AT LEAST THEN I WONT HAVE TO HOLD DOWN THE FUCKING A BUTTON. SO MUCH TEDIUM, MAN. SOMEBODY CALL UP VOLITION AND HAVE THEM MAKE THE FUN VERSION OF THIS GAME
1. OCTODAD: THE DADLIEST CATCH
OH MAN. I BOUGHT THIS PROFOUNDLY EXASPERATING GAME ON A LARK AND DESPITE THE WRATH IT PROVOKED, I SOON FOUND MYSELF ENCHANTED BY THIS ODD SAGA OF A STRANGER IN A STRANGE LAND.
OCTODAD IS AN OCTOPUS STRANDED ON TERRA FIRMA. A CREATURE PLUCKED FROM HIS NATURAL WET HABITAT AND INEXPLICABLY DROPPED INTO A DRYLAND EXISTENCE HE IS UTTERLY UNEQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH. A WORLD OF HUMANITY. A LIFE OF AMERICAN DOMESTICITY. BILLS AND BARBECUES AND BULLSHIT AND LAWNMOWING. I MEAN THE FUCKING GUY IS A DISASTER. JUST A TENTACLED MESS INADVERTENTLY WREAKING HAVOC AND LEAVING A TRAIL OF DESTRUCTION EVERYWHERE HE GOES AND THE PURPOSEFULLY WONKY CONTROLS REFLECT THAT. ALL GETTING HUNG UP ON COATRACKS AND SHIT. HE CAN'T EVEN GET GROCERIES WITHOUT KNOCKING OVER DISPLAYS AND FLINGING FOODSTUFFS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE AND SLAMMING INTO HIS FELLOW CONSUMERS. JUST PAINFUL TO SEE. BUT SOMEHOW HIS BELOVED ALL-HUMAN FAMILY FINDS HIS SHAMBLING INCOMPETENCE CHARMING. HE'S DOING HIS BEST, AFTER ALL. HELL, THEY DON’T EVEN SEEM TO REALIZE HE'S AN OCTOPUS.
AND AS I WATCHED THIS WELL-INTENTIONED, DISPLACED BEAST CONTORTED INTO CLOTHES TAILORED FOR A MAN AND FLAILING VIOLENTLY AND INEFFECTIVELY AT THE MOST MUNDANE ASPECTS OF EVERYDAY FAMILY LIFE AND BURBLING DEJECTEDLY AS HE'S FRUSTRATED AT EVERY TURN, WHILE HIS LOVING WIFE AND CHILD REMAIN ADORINGLY OBLIVIOUS TO HIS TRUE LOVECRAFTIAN NATURE, I FINALLY CAME TO REALIZE: HOLY SHIT. I'M NOT PLAYING OCTODAD. I *AM* OCTODAD.
JESUS. COME TO THINK OF IT, THIS GAME DIDN'T PISS ME OFF SO MUCH AS IT MADE ME WANNA FUCKING CRY.
AND THAT *REALLY* PISSES ME OFF.