Asteroids Smashing Into Theaters

Avatar image for ryan
Posted by Ryan (2278 posts) -

Drama! Excitement!
Drama! Excitement!
Even though no one has really cracked the code yet on making a video-game movie adaptation that's, well, watchable, there are certain games that are either archetypal enough in setting or rely on the familiar kinds of dramatic beats that an adaptation makes a certain amount of sense. When you tell me that BioShock or Uncharted or Gears of War is being made into a movie, I say "OK, sure, I can see that." But when The Hollywood Reporter, uh, reported this morning that Universal had picked up the rights to produce a movie based on the classic vector-based arcade game Asteroids--following an apparently heated four-studio bidding war, no less--I have to wonder just what in the holy hot hell is going on in Hollywood.

There's no story, casting, or title news at the moment, though Asteroids is being produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, whose most recent work includes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, with Matthew Lopez, screenwriter on Bedtime Stories and Race to Witch Mountain, attached to write it. So, I guess expect a family-friendly PG adventure featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and eye-gouging CG effects?

As THP itself points out, there's no real story or characters or anything to Asteroids, though that's not stopping the development of movies based on the board games Battleship and Candyland either. Unless the producers are pursuing some kind of self-reflexive Tron-style meta-reality, I'm not sure how you specifically evoke Asteroids in a movie. I mean, yeah, it'll probably take place in space, and there goddamn well better be some giant space rocks, but at that point you're just kind of just paying for the name, which feels pretty dated as the name of a video game, and outright absurd as a movie. I'd be surprised if they leave the title alone, and while I'd like them to embrace the goofiness with something like Asteroids! I fully expect them to go with something more like Asteroids: The Battle for Infinity.

On the off chance that a person of influence is reading this, here's the best scene in a movie to feature asteroids. Take note!
 
Staff
Avatar image for ryan
#1 Posted by Ryan (2278 posts) -

Drama! Excitement!
Drama! Excitement!
Even though no one has really cracked the code yet on making a video-game movie adaptation that's, well, watchable, there are certain games that are either archetypal enough in setting or rely on the familiar kinds of dramatic beats that an adaptation makes a certain amount of sense. When you tell me that BioShock or Uncharted or Gears of War is being made into a movie, I say "OK, sure, I can see that." But when The Hollywood Reporter, uh, reported this morning that Universal had picked up the rights to produce a movie based on the classic vector-based arcade game Asteroids--following an apparently heated four-studio bidding war, no less--I have to wonder just what in the holy hot hell is going on in Hollywood.

There's no story, casting, or title news at the moment, though Asteroids is being produced by Lorenzo di Bonaventura, whose most recent work includes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, with Matthew Lopez, screenwriter on Bedtime Stories and Race to Witch Mountain, attached to write it. So, I guess expect a family-friendly PG adventure featuring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and eye-gouging CG effects?

As THP itself points out, there's no real story or characters or anything to Asteroids, though that's not stopping the development of movies based on the board games Battleship and Candyland either. Unless the producers are pursuing some kind of self-reflexive Tron-style meta-reality, I'm not sure how you specifically evoke Asteroids in a movie. I mean, yeah, it'll probably take place in space, and there goddamn well better be some giant space rocks, but at that point you're just kind of just paying for the name, which feels pretty dated as the name of a video game, and outright absurd as a movie. I'd be surprised if they leave the title alone, and while I'd like them to embrace the goofiness with something like Asteroids! I fully expect them to go with something more like Asteroids: The Battle for Infinity.

On the off chance that a person of influence is reading this, here's the best scene in a movie to feature asteroids. Take note!
 
Staff
Avatar image for jjweatherman
#2 Posted by JJWeatherman (14929 posts) -

Awesome, more fuel for the non-stop TANG train!

Avatar image for crash_happy
#3 Posted by Crash_Happy (809 posts) -

This is aweful news.

Avatar image for frankcanada97
#4 Posted by FrankCanada97 (4186 posts) -

What is the world coming to?

Avatar image for aaox
#5 Posted by Aaox (1713 posts) -
@FrankCanada97 said:
" What is the world coming to? "
Ryan's TANG Empire.
Avatar image for death_burnout
#6 Posted by Death_Burnout (3848 posts) -

Bugs! Buuuugs!

You see a bug hole...Nuke it!

Avatar image for browncoatgrimm
#7 Posted by BrowncoatGrimm (126 posts) -

Isn't the best use of asteroids in a film Star Wars:The Empire Strikes Back?

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#8 Posted by TerraDelu (529 posts) -

My dad is going to be so excited!!!!!!! ...oh. Also, this is dumb.

Avatar image for teufelheunden
#9 Posted by TeufelHeunden (2 posts) -

Snakes on an Asteroid

Avatar image for weltal
#10 Posted by Weltal (2304 posts) -

**SPOILERS**
Early footage of the movie. Man, look at Kevin Costner go!


  

Avatar image for sarumarine
#11 Posted by Sarumarine (2585 posts) -

Man, everyone else has already said it . . . but it seems like grade A TANG fuel.

Avatar image for arbitrarywater
#12 Posted by ArbitraryWater (14686 posts) -

Please no.

Avatar image for duketogo
#13 Posted by DukeTogo (1516 posts) -

Wasn't Armageddon the Asteroids movie?  Or a scene from numerous Star Wars movies?

Avatar image for saddlebrown
#14 Posted by saddlebrown (1535 posts) -

all this news story did was reignite my desire to watch starship troopers over and over.

Avatar image for flipperdesert
#15 Edited by FlipperDesert (2201 posts) -

I'd much rather see a Pac-Man movie, where Pac-Man's a professional ghost hunter in a haunted maze and has an addiction to painkillers for his bad hip.

No, I do not know what the fruit is for.

Avatar image for jjweatherman
#16 Posted by JJWeatherman (14929 posts) -
@TeufelHeunden said:
" Snakes on an Asteroid "
touché sir, and nice first post.   :P
Avatar image for darkjester74
#17 Posted by darkjester74 (1655 posts) -

Hollywood hasn't had a cognizant thought in decades.  Herein lies the proof.  Ugh...

Avatar image for mordeaniischaos
#18 Posted by MordeaniisChaos (5904 posts) -

................

Avatar image for cerza
#19 Posted by Cerza (1678 posts) -

This is a joke right? It's a joke. It's gotta be a joke... a very unfunny joke... right???

Avatar image for zombiepie
#20 Posted by ZombiePie (6891 posts) -

Whatever happened to that Atari film about Nolan Bushnell staring Leonardo DiCaprio? That actually sounded like it could have been an interesting movie with an interesting hook.

This Asteroids movie on the other hand sounds like something a half developed monkey on day old crack would come up with.

Moderator
Avatar image for shadowself
#21 Posted by Shadowself (41 posts) -

The only good bug is a dead bug!

Avatar image for zityz
#22 Posted by zityz (2366 posts) -

Asteroids? pppfftt whatever I'm waiting for an River Raid Movie hellll yea.

Also, Starship Troopers was an awesome movie.

Avatar image for mattyftm
#23 Edited by MattyFTM (14804 posts) -

I won't immediately dismiss the movie. Asteroids lack of storyline leaves plenty room for artistic license, and who knows, the movie could be good. However, the concept itself is dumb. They might as well make a movie about shooting asteroids that isn't based on the game. It would be no different.

Either way, more movies for TANG can only be a good thing.

Moderator
Avatar image for draindeimo
#24 Posted by DrainDeimo (133 posts) -

coming soon a live action pac-man movie "Pac-Man Return of the Ghost"

Avatar image for jeffgoldblum
#25 Posted by JeffGoldblum (3851 posts) -
@DrainDeimo said:
" coming soon a live action pac-man movie "Pac-Man Return of the Ghost" "
  
Avatar image for theadmin
#26 Posted by TheAdmin (890 posts) -

Here is the trailer:

  

Avatar image for media_master
#27 Posted by Media_Master (3259 posts) -

ya NOOOOO

Avatar image for kou_leifoh
#28 Posted by Kou_Leifoh (1960 posts) -

I love me some motha-fuckin TANG.

Avatar image for percychuggs
#29 Posted by PercyChuggs (1141 posts) -

It could work. Remember that childrens book on toy ray guns? Independence Day.

Avatar image for black_rose
#30 Posted by Black_Rose (7772 posts) -

What a horrible, horrible idea.

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