There are countless people on the internet who love to tell you how to spend your gaming time. They love to tell you about their favorite videogames and board games and card games. What’s more, they have monopolized the perfect formula for evaluating just about any experience: raw, objective evaluation based on a game’s intrinsic merits and technical proficiency. But why does the ideal review format need to be restricted to hobbyist games? Why are we not applying the greatest review format to the greatest games of all: sports? Countless children and adults pour endless hours of their lives into sports training and sports watching, but they don’t even know how many stars their sport of choice earned. They don’t even know if their sport is the BEST sport. Well I will not abide this lack of informed decision making any longer. I will review the sports I have played, ascertain their objective value, and express that value in the only way that matters: five star review scores. In honor of this week’s World Cup (of basketball) I’ll continue this series with a review of the peach-basket classic: basketball.

5-6 hours a week for the last four years, that is how much time I’ve spent playing and practicing basketball. I picked up the sport relatively recently, but I have found it to be the most rewarding, fun, and adaptable of any sport I’ve played (and I’ve played a lot). The moment-to-moment goal of a game of basketball is to put a ball through a hoop using only your hands. Every basket is worth 1-3 points depending on the distance and circumstance. You cannot carry the ball for more than two steps without passing or shooting and you have to maintain a dribble to move the ball long distances. The end goal is to score more points than the opposing team. Beyond these simple rules there are a few different types of fouls and penalties, but for the most part all you need to worry about is passing, shooting, and dribbling.

A regulation game of basketball requires 2 hoops, 1 ball, and 10 players, nothing else. You can buy slight upgrades like fancy shoes, but you don’t need them. You can buy cosmetic items like jerseys and arm sleeves, but you don’t need them. Heck, you don’t really need 10 people and 2 hoops to play. You can play a fun game of basketball with up to 10 players and only 1 hoop. The only real essentials for a game are a ball, a hoop, and 2 people. Team based multiplayer modes like 1 on 1, 2 on 2, 3 on 3, 4 on 4, and 5 on 5 are all different formats of basketball that can be fun for people of all skill levels. Each added player adds some additional complexity to the game states. Beyond the team based modes, you have free for all games like 21 and Knockout that can be fun for groups with uneven numbers of players. If you don’t feel like running or sweating, there are skill games like HORSE and Around the World that can be played successfully with many players of different levels of fitness or athleticism. Basketball is rivaled only by soccer when it comes to modes of play and its low barrier to entry.

Basketball really shines when it comes to the styles of play it allows. Unlike football, basketball has malleable positions where any player can theoretically play any style they want. There are no rules or restrictions that limit what any given player can do. Though you ideally want players with complementing skills, every player can play however they want and that is especially true on offense. You could be a 7 foot (2.1336 meters) tall player and shoot 3 pointers or pass a lot. You could be 6 feet (1.8288 meters) tall and bully people down by the hoop with you back to the basket. Heck you could be 5’5 (1.6764 meters) and be great at rebounding. Though height and athleticism really dictates how you should play defense (tall people should be near the hoop to block shots), it does not have to limit you on offense. Since the only goal of basketball is to get the ball in the hoop, there are a plethora of different tactics and styles to achieve this simple goal. You have spot-up shooting, dribble driving, post ups, pick and rolls, pick and pops, pull ups, and trick shots. There are so many ways to score, and so many useful skills to learn that basketball really has no skill ceiling. Furthermore, there are successful pros at the highest level of basketball of all shapes, sizes, and skills. There are both people who can jump over other people and people who can hardly jump. There are many more avenues to being a successful basketball player than a successful football, baseball, or soccer player.

Basketball is a sport that balances fun, fast-paced play with a simple rule book and clear goals. It is a sport that benefits more from teamwork and skill that just about any other, since a team is at most only 5 people and all 5 people play offense and defense. One weak link in a five man unit can blow a team apart and one superstar can make you a world-beater. 5 people working in concert can overcome a whole lot of physical deficits in basketball. This makes Basketball one of the most fun team sports when on a smart team, and crushingly infuriating when on a dumb team. Though basketball has certain positional malleability, there are definitely certain roles that must be filled in order to be successful. Someone has to rebound or you will get buried under second-chance points. Someone has to shoot or you will never score. Think of basketball like a raid in WoW or some other game that relies on a tank/ dps dichotomy: there are many classes that fill the tank or dps role, but they are all full of meaningful differences that make them unique (I want to play the Charles Barkley class).

Basketball is a sport that takes very little monetary investment to try, has relatively little risk of injury, and has a huge cash reward at the end of the professional rainbow. Unlike football, which is an NFL or bust proposition, basketball is hugely popular internationally (2^nd most popular sport in the world). Though the biggest paydays come from the NBA, international leagues do pay reasonable salaries. Even better, players can compete well into their 30s and amateurs can rule gyms into their 50s thanks to the huge skill ceiling. It is with all of these factors in mind that I whole heartedly recommend basketball. Now go ball outrageous!

5 STARS!

One of the greatest games of all time, and such a great theme song too.

@kevin_cogneto: @corruptedevil: I'm amazed you guys were able to post youtube clips faster than a human being could read what I wrote.

I skipped down and just read the score, like you're supposed to do with a game review.

I saw 6 pictures of Charles Barkley and that was all I needed.

As a basketball fan, I support this basketball review.

Man I wish FIBA was half as popular as FIFA. Been watching it lately and it's sad seeing how empty all the stadiums are. Also it would be nice if all the tournaments weren't; "the USA team is going to win, unless Spain play out of their minds in the final".

Our basketball league starts up again tomorrow. Gotta brush up on my monster jams tonight to prep.

If you hit the reset button on the NES really fast you can get the voice to say "Dup-dup-dup-dup-dup-dup-dup-dup-dup-Double Dribble."

Should be an exciting Final though, I guarantee the crowds in Madrid will come out for the inevitable Spain / USA matchup. And as a Chicago Bulls fan, I'll have a guy on each team, so even if the US loses I can take solace in watching Gasol lead Spain back to another FIBA championship.

@slindz: I mean the rest of the world is catching up with the US. Years ago you couldn't even imagine Spain giving the US problems, but this year's US team was constructed to play Spain. I mean the US has been playing soccer for over a century and we still can't compete with European teams. Its remarkable that Europe and South America have come this far with basketball so fast.

Well then I suppose you used this review as intended then.

Fair enough.

Guys.

Guys.

Basketball is Dota.

@tobbrobb: Yep and Riki Rubio is IO, Steph Curry is Sniper, and Huskar is Blake Griffin.

@tobbrobb: Actually, when I play Dota it scratches a similar cooperation and teamwork itch that basketball does. Usually if I am playing the way I like to I am counting assists and points in a similar fashion and if I'm doing well in Dota I say, "call me Steven Nash, cause I get assists." The five man team full of unique skill positions and based on cooperation is actually a pretty nice comparison. Now if only there was a Dota version of HORSE.

Ctrl+f "jayhawks"...nothing.

DISREGARD

@thatpinguino: Hopefully we are getting something with all of these custom games being made. Pudge wars is a fun 2v2 game. And there is a 1v1 mid mode, though I can't say I care much for it.

Though my comparison falls a little flat at a very specific line. :P

"Basketball is a sport that balances fun, fast-paced play with a simple rule book and clear goals."

Haha, that is certainly true. But once you get over the hurdle of basic comprehension I find that Dota is more analogous to basketball or soccer than to any other sport. Though basketball has a lot more discreet skills for people to master than soccer. Like there are good defenders, rebounders, shooters, passers, stealers, blockers, screen-setters, and runners. I think that plays in to the Dota comparison since the goal is always the same, but there are a ton of ways to approach that same goal by assembling different combinations of skilled players.

People should actually start reviewing sports and give them metacritic ratings.

@xyzygy: I am on a mission to fill this glaring need. You can find my definitive review of American football here. One day metacritic will realize the legitimacy of my objective reviews and place them among the great, important game reviews of yore like Bratz and Sports Party.

My basketball game tonight got canceled til next week.

Argh, nothing in 2014 is safe from delays!

@csl316: That's the nice thing about only playing pickup, no one can cancel your games. You might not actually get a game and your teammates could be utterly useless ball hogs that are too cool to defend or rebound if you do, but you always have the hope of playing some basketball.

@thatpinguino: Please write a review on slamball. Thanks.

It's actually pick up games at my old grammar school (and we're all almost 30). They had an open house today and canceled night gym *shakes fist*

I can't imagine playing organized basketball at this point.

Looking back at it 90's era sports games are so weird in hindsight. It's insane to go back to the character specific games like Dr. J and Larry Bird Go One on One, Bill Laimbeer's Combat Basketball or even Barkley: Shut Up and Jam! Sports licenses and gaming limitations were in such a different place then, but it's funny to look at now.

Tim Duncan is the greatest power forward in the history of basketball, but they never made a character specific game based on him, and most likely never will.

Can you market a game on a guy who is called "the big fundamental"? I'm already falling asleep hearing his nickname. Those era of sports games were so cool especially the Larry Bird vs. Someone games cause it was basically playing a video game version of "white man can't jump."

Also hardware limitations often forced developers to limit team sizes usually resulting in only a handful of "big players," being in the in-game roster. Because if you can only have to characters why not make them Dr. J and/or Larry Bird?

Speaking of basketball games of that time period. Just want to point out that All-Pro basketball was the best bball game of that time period on nes. Full on 5 on 5 games. I remember playing this game non-stop as a kid with my Jamaican team "Cool Runnings".

@zombiepie: I think a Tim Duncan game wound just be a series of minigames where you practice jump hoots and bank shots. Just jump hooks and banks shots. Over and over again.

\@csl316: You gotta hang out at a park and challenge college kids like an older Woody Harelson. No one cancels park time.

I do live across the street from a community college. Alas, I can't jump :(

@csl316: Just go to the Zach Randolph and Andre Miller school for basketball players who can't run or jump good. Screw Kevin Garnet, if Andre Miller can play in the league for a decade then Anything is Possible!

great review. basketball is definitely one of the best games of this generation. lot of great moments:

@thepickle: I love the idea of there being a sport of the generation. Like Skateboarding was the sport of the 90s or something.

came here thinking this was about Baseketball and not actually Basketball. I am saddened by this discovery.

Is this where I come to brag about playing college basketball? (It was division II and we only drew about 1000 fans per game, but whatever, it still counts.)

Great review! You touched on every one of the things that makes basketball such a great game.

Also, more Sheed.

I feel like Andre Miller is (or was, he's getting up there in years) pretty quick though.

I used to play pickup games with a guy who ended up getting drafted in the NBA. He never played in a single NBA game, and spent his entire career in Europe, but I once threw an alley-oop to that guy and he dunked it, so I'm a pretty big deal too.

@dystopiax: He has never been exceptionally quick, but he has always had a great change of pace. Andre Miller is exceptional at creating just enough room for his shot and hitting shots at awkward angles. He is a liability on defense and he can't shoot threes, but man he can makes more athletic guys look dumb with his straight up expertise.

@oldenglishc: Thank you! Good to hear that a b-ball expert liked the review. I think division 2 colleges still count, I mean that is more competitive organized ball than most people have played in their lives.

I played in a couple of summer pro-am leagues back in the day. Those professional caliber players, even guys that only had a glass of water in the league or old pros in their 40's, were a pretty stark reminder of how terrible I really was. They're just on a whole other level. I did beat the dog shit out of Glen Rice in a game of dominoes between games once, so I'll always have that.

Great review. Only qualm I have is that it benefits the most from teamwork than other sports. I'd argue American football is the ultimate team sport. Your scoring is entirely dependent on another player, whereas with basketball, one player can isolate on a play and still score.

My biggest gripe with this sport in the school yard growing up was I could never work out the rules in regards to physicality. Most of the time everyone was busy playing either cricket or australian rules football which were vastly more popular and inclusive to play - you can play with unlimited kids and everyone has a chance for it, basketball played like this involves the same three kids having the ball all the time.

It seemed kind of hit or miss to me as to what was fair as far as stealing the ball or blocking people so I could never really fully commit to it. I definitely enjoyed the hype around the sport in the 90's and the associated card collecting though.

@rowr: The level of physicality allowed in a game of basketball is really a court rules kind of thing. Pushing and slapping at arms is never allowed, but steals and blocks should always be ok. Hand checks are sometimes ok and sometimes not depending on how testy the person you're guarding is. If the same three kids are hogging the ball the whole time then they are being jerks and are likely hurting the team, just like if a rugby player refuses to pass.

@magris: I would say that all 5 players on a basketball team are exposed at all times and none of them can take a play off. you need to play your role on offense and defense or else the other team will be able to exploit your mistakes and/or your own plans will fail. In football there is not that constant pressure on all of the players in a game, wide receivers can't really blow up a running play. A running back can't really free a tight end for a pass. In basketball every player can either help or hinder every other player on every play simply by where they are standing or running. I would say football is close when it comes to teamwork, but football roles are often about everyone winning their own individual battle, rather than cooperating. Iso plays in basketball still require cooperation because if your teammates wonder too close to you when you try to isolate their defender can muck up your play.

Was this flat top Glen Rice or Bald Glen Rice?

Well I was reffering to like a mass schoolyard type scenario, maybe school has changed since I was there but it was basically always going to play out with the three biggest/most intimidating kids hogging the ball.

I dunno i kind of didn't understand what was to stop someone just running up and taking the ball out of someones hand aka stealing. Seems like sometimes it was randomly ok, sometimes it randomly wasn't. Again talking from a school yard scenario so I'm sure it all makes a lot more sense at a competitive level.

@rowr: On a steal you have to only touch the ball, not the player otherwise it is a foul. So it can be quite hard to steal the ball from someone who is good at dribbling. The other issue is that chasing the ball for a steal will almost certainly move you out of position to contest the shot of the guy/girl with the ball, making scoring much easier. If you are swiping at the ball you are off balance and easy to run past most of the time. Going for a steal is a big gamble 90% of the time and that is why most people don't try often.

@i_stay_puft: It was 'Wait, Nautica makes basketball shoes?' Glen Rice.

@oldenglishc said:

@i_stay_puft: It was 'Wait, Nautica makes basketball shoes?' Glen Rice.

Dammmmn. An era where a young Jeff Gerstmann wearing a FUBU jersey is kinda weird but not so much.

@oldenglishc: My goodness those shoes look like they offer no support! I thought Javale McGee's shoe brand and Starburys looked crappy.