THE CLAIM: I submit that @brad is an actual wizard. I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out on this as there is a lot to substantiate this claim.

THE EVIDENCE: Way back in the year of 2011 Giant Bomb's GOTY series reproduced FMV games as part of their presentation of their awards. Ryan was a Mad Dog McCree style character, Jeff was a space egyptian, Vinnie was a stereotype, and Brad? Brad was a fucking wizard. It seemed innocuous then. No one could have been any the wiser to suspect that this was the real Brad we were looking at...

Fast-forward a few years and it didn't click with me until I saw him playing Gauntlet and Avalon. In the Gauntlet QL, surprise surprise, Brad "Merlin" Shoemaker picks the Wizard to play. He does not even give the other participants a chance to seize the awesome power of Merlin. He is so power-hungry that he claims the Wizard for himself before any of his hapless coworkers even have a chance to react. Why would Brad want to withhold the power of Wizardry from his fellow adventurers?

In Giant Bomb's Unplugged: Avalon video, we find out that Brad is Merlin not once, but twice!How did Brad end up being Merlin twice? Magic. He's a fucking wizard, damn it. A lot has happened before 2011 and since. I am sure Brad has clued us in to his real identity in other videos and venues as well. Unfortunately, I cannot recount them extemporaneously (perhaps some sort of mind-hex has been cast upon me by Merli -- err, Brad). But consider the following: Brad is a proud sesquipedalian who is no stranger to invoking uncommon words and phrases in speech. Some might think that this is because Brad is verbose or just has a fondness for words, but I submit that Brad is actually casting an incantation that is merely (Merlinly?) disguised as an innocent use of the English language when it is in fact a string of words ordered so as to unlock the raw potential of his magical abilities. Now why has Brad done this? One word: Emails.

For years Brad has hungered for the throne to the podcast so he could control the flow of information that reaches our innocent ears. Any long-time listeners of the Bombcast will know that there was always a hunger in Brad's belly for more emails. You can hear it in his voice. In fact, it is one of the few times you can hear in Brad's voice his calm, cool-as-a-cucumber, collected self, gets discarded and he release his true nature. The email is his true desire - he is insatiable - and we have all seen what he has done with his position of power.

THE CONCLUSION: Brad has conned us all. Where many of us had long assumed he was just a natural-born human, we were all wrong. He is a magical entity that survives on emails and has even teased us over the years of his plan, almost begging us to try and stop him. We failed. Now Brad controls the Bombcast and has enslaved the others to his will - they must deal with the emails of his choosing, being fecal-related, sexual, or (hopefully) both. While there once was a begrudging attitude amongst the dais when Brad initially seized control of the emails, he has since broken their will and now listeners can make out a bit of Stockholm Syndrome as the dais now cheerfully responds to any and all emails chosen by the Wizard. Can Brad be stopped? Of this I am uncertain... It may be too late, dear reader.

"Evil wins when good players do nothing."

THE COMMUNITY WEIGHS IN:

@trilogy said:

And don't forget that he was clearly a wizard in the Demon's Souls run. Even if he will deny it to his grave.

I like the attempt to cover up the spoiler for the Avalon video even though you immediately afterward spoil it in plain text.

Also there's that time when he transformed into a coffee cup on an episode of Unprofessional Fridays.

This all fits.

If anyone can remind me which UF ep this was, that would be great.

You're neglecting the source of Brad's "I'm not a wizard!" claim. He endlessly denied his sorcerous ways the entire time he was playing Demon's Souls, and yet he chose the most magic-oriented starting class and used Soul Arrow and an enchanted sword throughout his entire playthrough.

Brad's power has invaded this post... dear god, it may already be too late!

We all know no human could produce such a sultry, deep voice. Clearly his vocal cords are magic as well.

Brad is a wizard, and I also firmly believe that Dan was not born on this planet.

because he's a demon or perhaps the devil

#TeamWizard

This would be great fan fiction if it wasn't all true.

And that looks fucked up.

Wait. This was a secret?

Making shoes is wizardry.

I always thought he was an Intelligence hero.

We'll have to show him things and ask him they look fucked up or not

Then we'll know for sure.

@aegon: UPF in question, go to 1 hour 14 minutes

Follow the wizard trails.

That Brad came from the moon...

Does he wear a monocle? No.

Not a wizard.

@jakob187: Wizards don't wear monocles. They wear fancy hats and have orbs.

I stopped believing in Brad Shoemaker since i saw this ad.

Brad likes space stuff because he's already strayed out of thought and time, the stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the Earth.

Thanks! That's one of my favourite UPF moments.

It's the origin of:

No wonder he can barely stay awake.

Dude he is like the pokemon Slowpoke! He is thinking sooo hard about the universe, he burns too many calories and gets tired too fast! And Dota is his clam pokemon, it serves as a distraction to keep his mind off of the universe and focused on reality!

That is false information. The monocle is the trademark of a wizard.

I've literally (I think) never seen a wizard wearing a monocle, so Brad is still a wizard in my book.

Omg, i miss vinny

If he told me something was fucked up, I'd believe him.

@crono:

I think you're on to something...Remember when Brad, Patrick, and Ryan played Trine? Brad played as the wizard. I remember because Ryan and Patrick were hilariously goofing off/trolling Bradley Merlin Shoemaker as he tried to cast his wimpy wizard spells.

Edit: here it was the Trine 2 QL. Clearly a wizard. He even vocally claims it multiple times.

Don't you get it! the evidence was always there! OPEN YOUR EYES SHEEPLE!

Dan must be a demon of power and debauchery summoned by Brad. All those stories Dan has are not him but rather events inspired by him by countless denizens of decadence and raucous partying invoking his evil countenance. Notice how Dan trolls Brad often. He is toying with him while trapped in his arcane cage of the Giant Bomb offices. Brad may be a wizard but his inexperienced and Dan will consume him.

Shoemaker -> shoes -> winged shoes -> Hermes -> god of magic and wizardry.

*Edit* Just watched the Avalon stream after posting this. Watch it and see that my theory is correct!!!

podracing is brad!

It's... spellbinding.

YEOOOOOWWWWWW!

Sat(d)an

This is maybe the biggest find since forever. Brad always seems to know too much about everything, now we know how. He's. A. Fucking. Wizard.

I'd rather not insult the Devil by assuming he's as tasteless as Dan.

Actually, because I hadn't seen it used: Tasteless is a very good descriptor for Dan for a multitude of reasons.

We all thought he was looking at a phone all this time, but it's actually a magic orb made to look like a phone. All he has to do is peer into it to find all the terrifying facts of the universe.

Brad is constantly tired because he's up all night experimenting different spells in his tower. DOTA 2 stands for Dark Occult Training Activities 2.

I feel like Brad would have responded by now if he wasn't a wizard.

The evidence is overwhelming. I'm kinda embarrassed that I've been visiting this site for so long and never even considered this.

Yup he's a wizard. Just like Ryu.

Nice

So is Brad in his Gandalf the Grey or White stage?

Dan is totally Saruman.

@thepullquotes: I don't know mwn... I'm pretty certain Dan is closer to Smeagol than anything.

@doctortran: Honestly, he is probably Merry or Pippin. Happy go lucky motherfucker. :P

Brad as Gandalf is actually a little more appropriate than I'm comfortable with, is he truly a master wizard?

Don't let the Christian groups get ahold of that acronym explanation. They'd have a field day!