Part 115: And Now A Word From Our Sponsor

Let's square away something important which I believe will frame this blog in a different light. I played the final disc of Final Fantasy IX in the worst possible way. The manner in which I completed this game is inadvisable to any reasonable human being. Many of you may be wondering what I did to warrant this disclaimer. What if I told you I completed eleven of the game’s side quests and the entirety of disc four in one sitting? What would you say now?

This leads me to one of my greatest regrets. I feel as if I sabotaged my ability to enjoy Final Fantasy IX's concluding moments. The failure here is without a doubt my own, but I cannot shake away the sense of wallowing I felt in my last moments with Final Fantasy IX. Then again, is this entirely my fault? I feel Final Fantasy IX did not uphold its end of the bargain in providing an “entertaining” video game experience.

Let's be honest adults now. The side quests in the PlayStation One Final Fantasy games are trash. They are glorified fetch quests you only complete because they are there. Every side quest is set up in a laughably contrived manner where a character needs an item of questionable importance. The mechanics of these side quests purposefully repulse any decent player who values their time. I am three games deep in this franchise and it's the same old shit. “Person A” requires “Item B,” and you are left to your own devices to parse out how to accomplish this task.

We can debate whether Chocobo Hot and Cold is superior or not to Chocobo Racing; the real point is how both are colossal wastes of your time. There is something to be said about side quests which mechanically "break" their respective games. But yet again is this payoff worth it? What does one gain out of repeating an inane task other than a growing sense of dread? What justification can be provided to defend the dark torment of pain known only as "Tetra Master?"

Part 116: When The Final Leg Is The Best One

I have mentioned my elation at having an antagonist with an established conceit. As we ferry our characters towards the story's denouement it is a welcomed change of pace to follow the game's final plodding steps for once. Kuja's fall from his pedestal was clearly broadcast to the audience. Upon facing the reality of his mortality, Kuja unleashes his wrath to all which surrounds him. Having razed Terra, our party unites once more as they recognize Gaia as Kuja's next logical target.

As the party marvels at the plentitude of mist across Gaia, the pending cataclysm we are about to face makes itself nakedly apparent. The game juxtaposes to a sentimental moment involving the Genomes being dropped off at the Black Mage Village. Our motley crew rescued as many of the Genomes as possible, and Zidane surmised the village was a logical location to place them. The pairing is choate for several reasons.

Unquestionably, the humor at the village is incredibly "forced." Most of the scenes play up both races being perennial "fishes out of water" in the world of Gaia. That aside, the game's heart is in the right place, so I am hard-pressed to fault it for trying. The interactions between the Black Mages and Genomes highlight an interesting symbiotic relationship. Rather than depicting the Black Mages as teachers and the Genomes students, it becomes apparent they can learn from each other. This Socratic alliance underscores our need to be victorious in our battle against Kuja as it is another aspect of Gaia we feel motivated to protect. Then Garnet decides to be a moron.

Are world leaders in Final Fantasy IX incapable of concealing information to their citizenry? What is the harm in having a private summit with Cid, and asking him to spare a contingent of his elite guards? It's not like we haven’t already done this! What about Beatrix? Why isn’t Garnet interested in getting an update on the city she has sworn to protect? What’s so wrong in asking for Beatrix’s advice? And because the story decides to become boilerplate schlock, Mikoto attempts to warn the party of the futility of their efforts:

After Zidane rebukes his sister's cynicism, our cast heads out to begin their final journey. It is at this point I committed Final Fantasy IX-based seppuku.

Part 117: HOLY SHIT CHOCOBO HOT AND COLD IS THE FUCKING WORST!

Before we delve into the nitty gritty of my side quest induced madness, can we discuss the airship Invincible? Who at Square thought the final airship in the game should control like a drunken beluga whale? Admittedly, the control layout for the Invincible avoids being a gnarled mess, but why is it inferior to our previous vehicles? This blue hunk of shit moves at a snail's pace and turning the monstrosity feels no better than swimming in a vat of molasses.

This is all small stuff when compared to the shit show we are about to talk about. I honestly wish the Invincible was my only contrivance on disc four. Instead, thatpinguino thought it would be a "wonderful" idea if I were to complete the entire Chocobo side quest. I honestly have to question why I have willingly lost control of my life.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! Why does this keep happening? Who keeps telling Square to include these bullshit minigames? Chocobo Hot and Cold is fucking hot garbage! It's a terrible clicker game you could realistically download for free on Steam. What drives me insane is how it continually insults your patience every step of the way. GOOD GOD, I feel like my lungs are collapsing. I feel like I have aged twenty-five years just talking about this.

The set-up is simple enough. At one point Zidane needed to commandeer a Chocobo as part of the main questline. On that note, it made sense to include a side quest which used the Chocobo further. It's ultimately how you use our Chocobo friend, Choco, which haunts me every time I wake from my slumber to prepare for the soul-crushing reality I call "Life." The Chocographs… they haunt my every waking moment. There is no release. This is the end.

Across four locations are buried goodies which you can dig up using Choco. At each of these locations are treasure maps the game calls "Chocographs," and these graphs further the Chocobo questline. Sounds simple enough, right? What if I told you the game hides these graphs underneath a soul-crushing drop rate?

Part 118: I HATE LIFE ITSELF! PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!

This wretched minigame insists on placing roadblocks as you play it. Instead of having a fixed number of treasure map placements, the game hides them beneath a random number generator. To add insult to injury, the maps aimlessly ferry us to the far reaches of Gaia. Some would call this world building, but I would call this needless busywork. Few of the locations you explore play a significant role in the story. Are any of the mountain cracks we searched especially critical to the game’s narrative? I think you already know the answer to that question.

If you intend to collect every Chocograph, you will end up wasting hours of your life digging up pointless bullshit. Your only recourse is to get down on your hands and knees and pray to the “Random Die Roll Goddess.” As you pray, you will be told to sacrifice a goat at midnight on the third Thursday of the month. After placing the goat on the pentagram you created using chicken blood, you then will have to smack a large stone across your face. As you fall into a stupor, the Die Roll Goddess will ask what your wish is. When you respond "help me with the Chocobo bullshit in Final Fantasy IX," she will chuckle at you.

"You are the 987th person to summon me for this task," she will tease. Then after waving her magic wand, you'll be able to gain the Chocographs post haste. The only consequence is you will need to name your firstborn child "Sir Roderick Ponce Von Fontlebottom the Magnificent Bastard."

It is frustrating how you will abide by the game’s rules, and are awarded JACK SHIT! There were times when I dug up the maximum number of items, and none of the items were relevant towards progressing the Chocobo side quest. In one scenario I dug up the maximum number of items TWICE IN A ROW (i.e. sixteen items total), AND NONE OF THE ITEMS WERE TREASURE MAPS! Do you want to know what I got for my worries instead?

• 4 Gysahl Greens
• 3 Eye Drops
• 2 Softs
• 2 Echo Screens
• 2 Ores
• 1 Tent
• 1 Ether
• 1 Hi-Potion
• 1 Elixir
• 1 Gift of 100 Gil
• 1 Gift of 5,0000 Gil

I DID EXACTLY WHAT THE GAME WANTED ME TO FOR TEN MINUTES! AND I GOT NOTHING! NOTHING! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? This is downright unacceptable! This isn't fun! This is a nightmare factory! At no point was I enthralled with the world I was interacting with. Someone please make the pain stop! THERE IS NO RELEASE! THIS IS THE END!

The worst part is what the solution to this nightmare is. Getting better at the process of digging up items just increases the number of times you are subjected to the will of the die-roll goddess. I was so exhausted and demoralized I consulted an online guide related to the Chocobo Hot and Cold side quest. This is what they advised in their guide:

Ultimately, the treasures are randomly placed in every location and the items dug up are random, so it comes down to luck. The best advice is simply to not be discouraged and be willing to play several games with little success without giving up.

Part 119: THOSE FUCKING MAPS! WHAT THE FUCK?!

And those treasure maps... what were the designers thinking? There are no riddles to contextualize what you are looking at. You have to examine a blurry mess of pixels and hope you know what you are looking at. It's here the graphical limitations of the game genuinely curtail your ability to perform the tasks you are given. I mean... I MEAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

When the game adds in unnecessary complexity, I have to think the designers deliberately put shit in their game only crazy people would take the time to locate. This includes attempting to look for cracks in mountains or flickering sprites in the ocean. The cracks look like simple textures no decent human being would think is obfuscating buried treasures. Especially not when the environmental textures are the WORST LOOKING PART OF THE GAME! Oh, and those flickering ocean sprites which signal dive spots? They are virtually impossible to find without consulting a guide!

The game encourages you to explore the world in a way disingenuous to the main questline. To make matters worse, the technical limitations make this quest a glorified pixel hunt. This removes you from the greater world as you manically attempt to locate cracks and bubbles. Exploring caverns and crevices is never connected with anything pertaining to the main story. Everything feels soulless and empty, and I couldn’t shake the feeling I was subjecting myself to this bullshit for the sake of it.

Part 120: Fat Chocobo Is My Spirit Animal

I think I have groused enough about the digging for treasure part of the Chocobo side quest. Let's now address what the quest itself entails. After uncovering several buried treasures you are transported to a far off dimension called "Chocobo's Dream World." Here a massive Chocobo named "Fat Chocobo" transforms Choco to a different color, thus allowing her to transport you to previously inaccessible locations.

It is eventually revealed that Choco is destined to return to her fellow Chocobos. As you collect more treasure you find yourself transported to Chocobo’s Paradise, which was some HOT BULLSHIT to get to. Upon entering the "paradise" we witness a utopian society run by Chocobos, with Fat Chocobo as their leader. Here we learn of more treasures to uncover and quests to perform on Gaia. Eventually, Zidane is cast out for not being a Chocobo, but Choco rejects eternal paradise to be with her friends.

I guess Chocobo Hot and Cold is Frog Fractions 0.5. The art design of these moments is so visually bizarre I eventually came around to them. There's nothing else in the world like Chocobo’s Dream World, and I think I'm okay with that... sort of. When you finally enter areas such as the Air Garden and finally Chocobo’s Paradise you want to see more, but there isn't more. There ultimately isn't enough meat to this side quest to feel especially connected with what you see and experience here.

I get people "love" Chocobos, but everyone deserves better than this. Having to perform inane minigames for the sake of seeing Chocobos feels like a waste of everyone’s time. This brings up a major issue I have with 70% of the side quests in Final Fantasy IX. Shit like the Friendly Monster, Ragtime Mouse, or Kupo Nut questlines adds in interesting elements and dynamics to the story. It's a shame these are hidden beneath mountains of fatuous nonsense. The first time I encountered a friendly monster I honestly wanted to complete the questline. Then I found out how long this would take, and how many random encounters I would have to tolerate to make this possible. I felt as if the game punched me in the gut until my enthusiasm had left my body.

So let me entertain the idea Chocobo Hot and Cold encourages exploration and fosters world building. Fine, but the game does this by subjecting its audience with soul-wrenching time sinks. I would strongly object to ANY GAME obfuscating map exploration as thoroughly as Final Fantasy IX does. We aren't talking about a simple barrier of entry here, this is a goddamned two story brick wall. But do you want to know a tiny personal secret of mine?

Part 121: The Game Includes One Scene Where Quina Is "Okay"

At least we can discuss a side quest that doesn't leave a horrible aftertaste in my mouth. At the behest of thatpinguino, I eventually made my way to Quan's Dwelling. With Quina and Vivi in tow, I discovered the largely pleasurable scene to be had there. We learn more about Vivi's grandfather, Quan, who also happens to be Quina's teacher.

On a personal level, the moment provided a grounded and largely sentimental moment for all to enjoy. While Quina continued to be Quina, I found Quina's depiction in the scene to be justified. Quina's food dominated imagination is played up to be her/his greatest attribute. Quina's penchant for seeing potential recipes in everything imaginable is revealed to be a trait not common among her/his race. While the village leader of the Qu's, Quale, endeavored to dismiss Quina, Quan saw something greater.

When you break it down it's almost as if the game had the potential to make Quina interesting. Quina was a creative mind held back due to an authoritarian leader. In many ways, Quina has a narrative bond with Garnet, but the game fails to connect these two dots. Regrettably, this is the only scene wherein we witness this characterization for Quina, and it is entirely optional. There was no prior foreshadowing, nor are there complimentary scenes in the future. After the game suggests a deeper meaning to Quina; Quina immediately goes back to being comic relief.

Looking back at it I only now realize what was attempted in this brief scene. Quan attempting to teach Vivi and Quina the eternal impression of memories serves as a spectacular foreshadowing of what we witness in Memoria. This leads me to my major quibble with this scene. THIS SHIT SHOULDN'T BE OPTIONAL! Leaving the only major portent of the everlasting nature of memories behind an optional side quest IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! Furthermore, this is one of two scenes where Quina receives character development. Where was my hint this is the location I could develop Quina as a character?

Before you ask, NO, I didn't learn all the Blue Magic spells or catch 100 frogs. I value my time, and this is all I can be bothered to do for Quina.

Part 122: What's In A Name? Apparently A Side Quest!

It's time to learn more about Garnet without her knowing! I found the plot developments surfaced at the Eidolon Wall to be "interesting," and nothing more. It's honestly hard to get enthralled with something the game cannot be bothered to reinforce outside of an optional side quest. I would even go a step further and argue the story missed an opportunity to bring Zidane and Garnet together in an emotionally poignant scene before the story pops-off. But alas, the comfort and ease of writing fanwankery proved too great for the men and women behind Final Fantasy IX.

It bears mentioning how contrived exploring the Eidolon Wall is. First, you need to enter Madain Sari and chase away the mercenary Lani. Following this, you need to exit the village entirely, remove Garnet and Amarant from your party, and re-enter the village and find Lani once more. Then you talk to Lani TWICE because FUCK YOU, NOTHING IN THIS GAME IS AS SIMPLE AS IT SHOULD BE! Lani ends up informing Zidane to check out the Eidolon Wall, and further investigation reveals he should walk clockwise upon entering it. You then need to alternate in walking clockwise and counterclockwise NINE TIMES! So what is this in the name of? You discover Garnet's real name, as well as a heart-wrenching note from her biological father:

I found interacting with the supporting murals surrounding the note from Garnet's father far more rewarding. I know this makes me sound like a heartless bastard, but hear me out. With those murals you discover the backstory as to what the Eidolons are, as well as the religious beliefs of the Summoners. You learn of their failure to control Alexander, and other attempts to bring peace to Gaia. What I found especially resonant is how the people on the other continents forgot about the existence of the Summoners. This resulted in the Eidolons becoming legends rather than a fact of life.

Furthermore, I enjoyed how the game used these summons to build the mythos of its world. Final Fantasy IX weaves what could have been a gameplay mechanic for the sake of it into the backbone of its story. The Eidolons are also a vast improvement over the missteps of previous Final Fantasy games. Final Fantasy VII's use of Materia as a plot element was stunningly inconsistent. Final Fantasy VIII's use of the Guardian Forces was a horrible trash fire of epic proportions. It's comforting to see Final Fantasy IX learn from its predecessors in order to better stand on its own laurels.

Ultimately we have another side quest where the game neglects to follow through on an interesting premise. Zidane fails to convey what he learns at the Eidolon Wall to Garnet, and this "kills" the gravitas of our discoveries. While we are able to know Garnet's name, she is not. It's doubly repugnant the game never surfaces the existence of Garnet's biological father to her. How great would a touching aside between Zidane and Garnet have been? The writers went for the "path of least resistance," and thus opted for fan service rather than character building, and that is a damn shame.

Part 123: A Beautiful Mistake And Fighting Mildew

Before we address the inanity an old bozo in Daguerreo roped me into doing, there's a scene I saw in the Black Mage Village which floored me. By pure happenstance, I mistakenly entered the Black Mage Village. There I encountered Mikoto confronting the leader of the village on the pointlessness of burying the dead.

Once again Final Fantasy IX managed to ignite my metacognition. The words of the village leader ring true to us all. When our family members or friends pass away, we try to honor their legacy, not for their sake, but for ours. There's something resolute and poignant about the leader's words as they come across as a recent discovery on his part. With each interaction, we have watched him become increasingly "human." Watching this transformation over time has been a highly rewarding and touching experience.

It is now time to transition to fruitless drivel in a cave! Daguerreo is another wasted opportunity on the part of Final Fantasy IX. What is the justification for creating this beautiful level and not have it factor into the greater story? We see the collective knowledge and learning of Gaia in one place, but what does this amount to? JACK SHIT THAT’S WHAT!

Did anyone inform the scholars in Daguerreo placing books next to water is a bad idea? This is beside the point. We have a library which holds within it the entire cultural history of Gaia, and we cannot partake in any of it. There are books lying on the floor and we may not read even a single page. Instead, we dick around with old friends, solve a debate between merchants, and promise to fetch trash for an old octogenarian.

Interacting with a character from Cleyra was a nice touch, but does it really build the mystique of Daguerreo? I would argue it doesn't, and this instead highlights a major issue with the location. If the best story beat a level offers is a reference to the past, then it's not a great level. Daguerreo is no better than Esto Gaza in that regard! We have another level which ends up feeling empty because there's not enough to discover at the location. Instead, I'm stuck picking up bullshit for an old geezer!

Part 124: Why Do I Keep Doing This To Myself

Collecting the Excalibur sword for Steiner was a mistake. I genuinely regret completing this side quest because of how frustrating it was in execution. Much like Chocobo Hot and Cold, collecting Excalibur is sabotaged by the game's design. What should be a simple fetch quest quickly devolves into an exercise of your patience! Yet AGAIN you need to sacrifice another goat to the “Random Die Roll Goddess” to spare yourself from the game's soul-crushing random number generator.

The inherent flaw this time is anchored to a single source. This source being the auction house in Treno. First, you need to purchase four "special" items from the auction house and resell them to their respective buyers. Because the designers of this game are major assholes, they programmed each of these items to spawn one at a time. To add insult to injury, there is no guarantee any will appear when you enter the auction house. Maybe you get lucky and can purchase all four in one fell swoop. Maybe you end up like me and get stuck trying to get Doga’s Artifact to spawn and end up going through eight auctions before it finally pops up!

Selling these items finally allows for the Magical Fingertip to appear in the auction house. Similar to the artifacts from before, there's no guarantee the Magical Fingertip will show up when you enter the auction house. If the Magical Fingertip finally graces your presence, LORD HAVE MERCY if your cash reserves are low. If you get priced out of an item, you have to go through the song and dance of getting them to spawn again!

Eventually, I purchased the Magical Fingertip and immediately acquired Excalibur for Steiner. It is a powerful sword, but was it worth my time?

Short Answer: No

Long Answer: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Part 125: MOGNET KILLED ME SLOWLY!

Completing the Mognet side quest was poor decision making on my part. I knew this would not be fun on account of my struggles in delivering the initial batch of Mognet letters. This leads me to my greatest contrivance with the Mognet side quest: 90% of the Moogle letters MEAN JACK SHIT! To progress the side quest, the game only requires you deliver a half-dozen letters, and everything prior is largely irrelevant. I think we can all agree this is a "dick move" by the designers.

The other source of bullshitery stems from locating the recipients for the final letters. The final recipients are stretched across every possible location. Some are even within troublesome dungeons filled with powerful baddies. One of those recipients is in Qu's Marsh and is only accessible if you remember to include Quina in your party. I didn't know this and was left wandering the swamp aimlessly for fifteen minutes.

And pray thee, why are you completing this asininity? Because you need to locate hair gel to lubricate the Mognet mail machine on account of some jackass using all the lubricant for his perm. I AM NOT LYING ABOUT THIS! WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING?

So the game tasks us with finding a case of "Superslick," without providing clear indications where this can be found. After some frivolous faffing about I found myself before Ruby who happily provided me with a tin of the substance. The joke here is she has fancy hair and needs oil to keep it all in one place. Can you guess my reward for completing this highly "fulfilling" task? I received a "Protect Ring." It's not like I already had three before starting this side quest.

I GIVE UP! THIS GAME WINS! THERE IS NOTHING IN MY LIFE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! I AM AN EMPTY SHELL OF A HUMAN BEING! SQUARE IS THE CREATOR OF THIS GAME AND THEY ARE GODS WHICH TAKE ORDERS FROM THE GOD OF THE OLD TESTAMENT! THEY ARE THE CREATOR OF FEAR AND YOUTH! THEY ARE HERE TO REDUCE OUR BONES TO PILLARS OF SALT! THEY WILL THEN USE THIS SALT TO MAKE BREAD! SOMEONE SAVE ME FROM MY TORMENT!

Part 126: The Game's Masterful Attention To Detail

Final Fantasy IX is a tour de force when it comes to its attention to detail. I say this with a heavy heart, and as a self-professed maniac who wishes to become the first person to die as a result of playing Final Fantasy games. The fact the player can exit Memoria at any point to explore the game’s final bookends is a nice touch. Where most games would have placed an arbitrary barrier to impede your curiosity; Final Fantasy IX rewards you for being curious.

The Nero Family questline is a batshit insane prospect I had zero interest in completing. Simultaneously, I found the questline's inclusion to be entirely permissible. I mean, why not? It's the last leg of the game, so why not put in some insane side quest no one would discover unless they were crazy? There's something else I wish to discuss on the final non-story related moments in the game.

Exploring the streets of Lindblum and Alexandria provided me with some of the most rewarding NPC interactions I had in the game. In one instance we reconvene with a clothing-obsessed grandmother we saw on the first disc who now laments her current state to her granddaughter. This occurs in front of the ruins of her home. There is a twinge of hope in their conversation, and it underscores the resilience of the world we are trying to save. The scene also highlights how much the world around us has changed. The young daughter, who before was practically wailing for new clothes, now comforts her grandmother.

None of this was necessary. At no point did the developers need to cover every proverbial base in their game. They could have done what Final Fantasy VIII did, and erase everything in the world to motivate the player to further the story to its logical conclusion. These small and relatively insignificant moments magnificently contextualize our mission and its utmost importance. It's the powerful minds at Square at their best.

Part 127: Let's Talk About How Baddass Second Battle Of The Iifa Tree Is!

This scene is badass, and I cannot think of a better way to describe it. The CG cutscene at the Iifa Tree is awe-inspiring and a rara avis compared to rest of the fourth disc. It's a gripping and spellbinding moment where the game’s attempt to create a sweeping set piece works. It does wonders to establish the concept of this being the eleventh hour of the game.

The character dynamics are also largely enjoyable. There's a clear sense of camaraderie between our cast members. Between Cid sharing a genuine concern over Garnet's safety, or Beatrix loudly exclaiming "Your captain is about to enter Valhalla," the game again shows an attention to detail you cannot help but marvel over. Best of all is the dynamic between the main cast. I LOVED the quips between Zidane and Steiner when Beatrix came to their rescue:

What a captivating way to depict the characters as being a cohesive unit! Even during the game's action set pieces it uses its time to show brotherhood and sisterhood which we believe in and can relate to. Not only does this foster our empathy for the cast, but it also serves to remind us how far we have come. The sweeping nature of the battle is a far cry from our humble beginnings of trying to teach Garnet how to speak like a commoner.

The sequence is also a happy marriage of gameplay and storytelling. We eventually confront an opaque dragon. This dragon would have otherwise leveled our party two discs ago, but we have command of a highly different party now. This means we can fight the Nova Dragon as relative equals. It's the magic of video game storytelling all working together!

Part 128: The Game FUCKS UP Its Momentum!

Boy howdy does Final Fantasy IX not know how to maintain a great first impression! As we enter a land pulled from a Dali fever dream, Garland speaks to Zidane from beyond the grave. Garland reveals we have entered "Memoria." As stated in the caption above, Memoria is the realm in which the collective memories of Gaia dwell. Okay, this is interesting enough, but why are there a dozen card playing ghosts in Memoria?

As Zidane trudges along in Memoria, Garland continues to interrupt his journey. He fills in the gaps of Zidane's memories and eventually hints at a greater machination to the world. The real elephant in the room is how the game drops several pipe bombs in Memoria, and there was no foreshadowing to scaffold these developments. As mentioned earlier, the concept of the eternal nature of memories is obfuscated behind an optional side quest for Quina. FUCKING QUINA of all people!

The result is much of Garland's droning feels empty and cheap. The story pivots come across as naked attempts to shock the audience rather than genuine attempts to grip the audience with a guiding vision. If it had been the latter, then the writers should have put more effort into scaffolding the events of Memoria. Even more disappointing, nothing in Memoria feels especially complimentary to the game's previous pivots or story beats. This repeats a major issue I had with the scenes at Terra. Final Fantasy IX brings too much to the table.

Rather than complement one of the game's story linchpins from Terra, the game practically forgets pivots there even happened. Rather than build upon the ideas of soul transfer, cloning, parallel universes, or pre-determinism; the game changes the beat of its drum to dance to a different tune. This adds to the half-baked nature of the story moments in Memoria and adds to my frustration whenever it tries to invert my expectations. I have to question what the ultimate creative vision behind Final Fantasy IX was. There are so many conflicting design and story decisions within the game I honestly do not know what to make of it. Were the enjoyable moments with Vivi a sign of Square's mastery of their craft, or just dumb luck? I don't know if I can answer this question, so I'll leave it to you to decide. I would love to hear your responses.

Part 129: Four Fiends And Some Bullshit About Kuja

I am conflicted regarding the use of the Four Fiends in Memoria. On the one hand, I recognize it is a fun call back to the third disc. On my previous blog, I decried the game for not providing you with the agency to control the other party members as they confronted the other fiends. This moment essentially rectifies that issue. On the other hand, the boss rush in Memoria is overkill. Disregarding the Nova Dragon, there are SEVEN BOSS BATTLES TO BE HAD ON DISC FOUR! Each battle requires a sufficient amount of planning and forethought on the player’s part. Each battle also saps time and resources out of the player as they attempt to witness the game’s final moments.

Don't get me wrong; I can appreciate a good boss rush at the tail end of any game, but seven seems punishing. When you consider a majority of the bosses have abilities which can level your entire party, maybe you can see where I am coming from. For example, Maliris performs a final attack upon defeating it called "Raining Swords," and this does 4,000 damage points to every party member.

Battles against the Four Fiends serve as segues to memories from our earlier adventures, and even prior to that. Upon defeating Maliris we discover Kuja started his maniacal quest for world domination ten years ago when he attacked Madain Sari. This act of wanton cruelty was done as part of Kuja’s vain attempt to gain control of Alexander. The game attempts to craft a sense of mystery as Zidane is able to see this memory as if he was there.

The mystery here is interesting on paper, but it is one the game has not earned the right to tell. You want me to believe that as Garnet and Zidane fostered their relationship, the game couldn't have provided ONE SCENE where their paths crossed without them knowing it? If the writers so value the importance of Zidane and Garnet's relationship, then why in the world did they wait until now to reveal this? As the revelation here progresses, I developed an increasing exhausting with the game as its story devolved into "plot by convenience."

Part 130: Garland Is Just The Worst

The story then becomes a befuddled mess even more than it already was. Garnet and Zidane find themselves next to the ominous red "eye in the sky" which spelled doom for every place Garnet called "home." Upon reaching this point Garland opines the universal nature of memories across all beings. This inadvertently serves as a segue to Garland's explanation of how he planned to merge Terra and Gaia.

I feel the game missed an opportunity regarding Garland. A massive amount of our time is spent watching Garland spew expositional diarrhea. When it starts it honestly does not stop. This is a missed opportunity on both a figurative and literal level. The presentation is bland and monotonous as the game subjects us to hours of direct instruction. Sure the visual backdrops in which Garland confronts our party are interesting, but I felt ineffectual about them nonetheless. Everything here furthered a plotline I continually felt was a sore point in the story.

Worse of all, Garland would have greatly benefited from a redemptive or tragic character arc. As Garland drones about the relationship between Terra and Gaia you feel like the game wants you to sympathize with Garland. He was the "caretaker" of a dying civilization, and he failed. Kuja has destroyed everything Garland was pledged to protect, but you wouldn't think that based on Garland's heavy-handed soliloquies.

Rather than depict Garland as a tragic figure of circumstance, the game has Garland become an exposition delivery system. Here is where EVERYTHING related to Terra fails as a story linchpin. Time and time again we are expected to sympathize with the death of Terra and its civilization. The problem is you have NO logical reason to buy into this concept. Every interaction we have had with Terra and Garland has risked the destruction of Gaia. Why in the world would I sympathize with Terra? In the time we spent with Garland at no point did he ever express a sense of anguish with the consequences of his actions. Neither do we witness this anguish here, so honestly what's the deal with spending so much time with Garland and Terra? What am I expected to gain out of all this bullshit exposition?

Part 131: So I Guess The Entire Assassin's Creed Franchise Owes A Debt Of Gratitude To Final Fantasy IX

Let's briefly talk about why the last two hours is neither the time nor the place, for a massive plot twist in a game's story. After offing the last member of the "Four Fiends" we quickly find our party in a black abyss of nothingness. Garland chimes in to inform us we are stuck in the primordial beginnings of creation. From this dark chaos spawned all life as we know it.

Garland discloses how memories, like genes, are passed down from one generation to the next. This is the story justification for everyone in our party being able to witness the illusions of Memoria, despite their varying locations. The revelation as to what allows for this universality is the second most disappointing plot twist on disc four. Lo-and-behold, it's a crystal because of fan wankery.

Right then... this is some HOT BULLSHIT! Once again, Final Fantasy IX resorts to fan service to make its story work. As we marched through Memoria, Garland clarified that everyone shares a common link in the form of memories. Rather than have the linchpin for this be something foreshadowed in the game, the writers saw fit to use referential material in hope it would resonate with the audience.

As you can logically assume, I found this crystal nonsense to be massively disappointing. However, I am at a loss to propose a better alternative. Nothing prior to this moment could have been reasonably used instead of the “Crystal Of Creation." The game has already done what it could with both Terra and the Iifa Tree, so essentially, a Deus Ex Machina was the only possible option. Was there anything prior to this to suggest the existence of a "Crystal Of Creation?" NOPE! Is there anything latter which reinforces the importance of this crystal as a necessary storytelling device? NOPE! Do we ever see the characters teaching future generations of the existence of this crystal? NOPE NOPE NOPE!

I am left to speculate what benefit the inclusion of this crystal has on the story. The cynical answer is that it exists purely as referential material to prior Final Fantasy games. For the most part, this answer suffices. I honestly think the writers didn't care about the possible consequences of its inclusion, and saw an opportunity to cram in another franchise reference. Memoria is already a Final Fantasy I reference factory, so what harm is there in inserting another one?

I cannot imagine another possible answer. The suddenness of this reveal causes me to feel disconnected with the crystal's importance and our collective necessity to protect it. As a result, it is a tenuous artifice in motivating me to stop Kuja post haste. Kuja is already threatening to destroy all life as we know it, so having him destroy the crystal of creation comes across as storytelling redundancy. This is all dancing around what is the proverbial "elephant in the room." By devolving to referential schlock, the game deprives the story of emotional poignancy and gravitas.

Level with me here. I have an easier time relating to wanting to protect one's family and friends, rather than some Deus Ex Machina crystal. So by inserting this reference, the penultimate plot twist feels entirely devoid of an emotional core. It's just there. It happened, and there's nothing you or I can do to change this. However, there’s no shaking the fact that the crystal is wasted space. Had the game spent more time fostering its interpersonal relationships everyone would have ended up for the better.

Part 132: The Game Ruins Kuja

At least we have a clear and cohesive villain, right?

Why the fuck is Kuja cackling about starting the assimilation of Gaia into Terra after we watched him raze Terra? The crystal of creation is right behind Kuja, so why in the world does he even care about completing Garland's grand plan? Why does Kuja wait for Zidane instead of destroying the crystal outright? What the fuck is Zidane talking about with this line of dialogue?

How does all life on Gaia survive being assimilated into Terra? Didn't Garland just mention the assimilation process destroys all life on the planet after it starts? Is Zidane an expert in things that have never happened? Who the fuck is "Deathguise?" Why is any of this happening?

I see so much wasted potential with Kuja. The game could have drawn our attention to clear parallels between Kuja and Zidane, or even Vivi. Sadly the game changes Kuja's characterization on a whim, and we are expected to accept this for the sake of the story. You get a twinge of resignation by Kuja when you finally confront him, but the game shirks away from making good on this. For what seemed like 90% of the game we watched Kuja make shitty affectations as he billowed Shakespearean prose, and then for the last 10% he stops. We never witness Kuja toiling at his mortality, or regretting his actions as he tried to contextualize his fate. We juxtapose from cocky Kuja to vindictive Kuja and finally to redemptive Kuja all in two hours. This has the unfortunate consequence of cheapening every emotional note the game pines for with the later scenes involving Kuja, especially his final interactions with Zidane. The scaffold in which Kuja's story arc is built upon is so nakedly transparent to the audience, it is honestly painful to watch.

With the story up its own ass, we are left to enjoy the spectacular set pieces and climactic battles as is. However, lacking a cohesive backbone they all feel artificial. The game has poisoned its own well with its penchant to add in unnecessary bullshit to an otherwise perfect formula. Kuja wanting to destroy Gaia because he is an insufferable pissbaby is fine by itself. Sometimes you honestly should just let the villain be an insufferable pissbaby! But no... memories are eternal because there's a crystal in the center of the universe. At least the music for Kuja's final battle is awesome:

The execution of our battle with Kuja is genuinely enthralling. Once again, the game provides a wonderful spectacle which distracts you from the inanity of the game's prior moments. The game's penchant for doing this rivals that of a parent waving a set of brightly colored plastic keys in front of a whining toddler. Either way, there's a sense of finality with every attack you inflict upon Kuja, and vice versa. The stakes of the battle are illustrated to the player as it begins. Spinning perilously in the background is the crystal of life we suddenly have endeavored to protect. It's almost as if this should be the final boss battle... ALMOST!

Before I rip the Necron reveal a new fucking asshole, let's discuss how the game takes the piss out of Kuja. Here we were thinking Kuja was a man acting on his own free will. While we are not expected to empathize with Kuja, we understand why he wishes to destroy the universe. Then in comes Necron, and we discover not only is Kuja a cog in a machine, but he is acting at the whim of an immaterial being. Is that too much of a leap of logic on my part? Fine, but there's no denying that Necron takes away much needed time from Kuja. In the game's final moments Kuja is depicted in a relatively sympathetic light, and I found this to be morally reprehensible on the part of the game. Our last interactions with Kuja showcased him defiantly wanting to destroy the crystal of creation, and eventually, he's a sorry sack of shit I'm supposed to care about. What in the flipping fuck is that about?

So instead of having Necron why not have a scene where we engage Kuja intellectually? This confrontation would force Kuja to address the needlessness of his actions. All I am asking for is the game to justify Kuja’s redemptive arc, but it doesn’t! Instead, we have to fight a random asshole called "Necron," whom we have never seen before, and the game has not once created a scaffold for. What a fucking shitshow!

Part 133: Necron Is A Hot Trash Fire

I would like to rant about how thoroughly FUCKED the battle against Necron is! Fuck that battle, it's a bunch of bullshit! Having a boss be able to use Firaga, Blizzaga, Thundaga, Meteor, Holy, AND Flare? THAT IS SOME CHEAP ASS SHIT! Then you rope in “Grand Cross” which can inflict all possible status effects to every character at random, and this battle becomes an intolerable slog!

I also want the record to show how done I am of Final Fantasy bosses having attacks which instantly drops my party members to 1 HP. I get the developers want this battle to come across as the final confrontation, but this just sucked. This is all ignoring the fact Necron as a story device is a fucking travesty. Upon defeating Kuja, he drags our party into an alternative dimension where Necron resides. Necron then declares that Kuja has proven the necessity of destroying all life in the universe.

Out of pure desperation, I ended up examining several fan theories as to the “true meaning behind Necron.” I ended up deeply regretting my decision, but that is a story for another time. The fan theories I saw devolved into two distinct camps. The theories either thought Necron was the personification of a negative emotion, or Necron was the reincarnation of a character we encountered earlier. As was the case when I idiotically decided to read into the "Squall is dead" fan theory for Final Fantasy VIII, I ended up seeing massive flaws to each of these fan theories.

Let's not beat around the bush. Even if either fan theory was correct, the reveal of Necron occurs suddenly and without pomp and circumstance. Having precious time be spent fighting Necron deprives the game of that desperately needed characterization I called for Kuja. You know, a character we have seen evolve over time and whose motivations we understand. Instead, we end up fighting a rejected member of the Blue Man Group.

Let's delve into the aforementioned fan theories I take umbrage with. Theory #1 is problematic for several reasons. Saying Necron is the personification of nihilism or sin just comes across as desperate. Claiming something is a metaphor for "evil," is the lowest of all hanging fruit. This fan theory also requires a level of nuance Final Fantasy IX has lacked since the very beginning. When Final Fantasy IX wants you to understand a metaphor, it bludgeons you over the head with its simplicity. So in a way, I’m saying this fan theory isn’t true because it's too good.

Theory #2 is just shitty. If Necron is the resurrection of a previously encountered enemy, then he cannot be the reincarnation of an enemy we give a shit about. The prospect of Necron being the reincarnation of a B-tier bozo from earlier comes across as lazy and irresponsible storytelling even for a Final Fantasy game. If a jagoff wants to tell me Necron is the reincarnation of Soulcage or the Four Fiends, then I'm just going to roll my eyes and ask "why should I care?"

Do you want to know what my theory is? This is a simple throwback to Final Fantasy games having final bosses for the sake of it. Nothing more, nothing less. The only difference is the time we are made aware of Necron's existence. My exact reaction to crossing paths with Necron went something like this:

• [Me]: Looks like the game pulled a boss out of its ass... that’s happened before.
• [Me After Ten Seconds]: This is a Final Fantasy game.
• [Me After Thirteen Seconds]: I'm moving on with my life.

There's a deluge of evidence to ponder over which points to the idea Necron is just another half-baked bullshit encounter or plot device. The story has been littered with these before, so what's to suggest Necron isn’t another example of this? If the game honestly wished to convey a final metaphor or pivot, it failed astonishingly. The absence of an emotional scaffold to this final confrontation is the real true villain of Final Fantasy IX.

Part 134: Kuja's Redemption Is Irresponsible

Lo-and-behold after defeating Necron our troupe of misfits finds themselves safely transported outside of the Iifa Tree. As Zidane is about to board the Hilda Garde to safety Kuja imparts a farewell to his former nemesis. Upon receiving this message Zidane surmises Kuja transported our party to safety. After declaring his intent to locate Kuja, each character has a brief aside with him before he leaves. These touching parentheses are the last emotionally resonant scenes to be had until the game's conclusion.

I say this on account of me having a violent reaction to what the game does with Kuja in his last waking hours. A deathbed chat in and of itself is a laughably generic way to end any character. For a Final Fantasy game to resort to such a baseless and tired trope is downright unforgivable. Yeah, the scene where Zidane flips around inside the Iifia Tree is fun to watch, but it's in service of the game providing sympathy for the devil.

Until this point, Kuja was just full himself. We watched him bring devastation and death wherever he found himself, and now we are expected to view him as either misguided or worth redemption. Kuja is directly responsible for multiple acts of genocide and war crimes. Not only that, but Kuja enacted all this destruction with a sadistic sense of glee. He doesn't deserve shit! That Zidane is willing to talk with Kuja as a brotherly figure is even more insulting. Minutes ago both characters were pining to erase each other from existence.

This leads me to my point of the game being irresponsible. In providing Kuja the briefest sense of redemption the game belittles the implications of his prior acts of cruelty. How is saving a dozen people even close to absolving him of the countless lives Kuja ended at Madain Sari, Terra, Alexandria, Lindblum and Burmecia? This is dancing around a more fundamental issue I have with our chat with Kuja. By having this scene I feel as if the game uses genocide and war crimes as an empty story device. This belittles their gravity and makes Final Fantasy IX complicit in perpetuating the myth that even the worst of the worst has something redeeming hidden deep within them. This is downright reprehensible for any form of media.

From a more figurative perspective, the game does not do enough to set up what part of Kuja is worth “saving.”. For much of the game we have watched Kuja massacre civilians, profit from wars, spread mist, and raze entire cities. And yet we are told of the importance of remembering Kuja's legacy as part of Mikoto's eulogy. But what part of Kuja's legacy is worth saving? If we save any part of Kuja's legacy, isn't the game whitewashing his more heinous acts?

I honestly do not think the writers understood how careless the conclusion of Kuja's story arc was. They used the pain and grief Kuja caused to evoke an emotional response out of the audience, and when that utility was no longer convenient they discarded it. This is what I find objectionable most of all. It is that the game uses genocide as a story beat and asks us to view things with a long-term styled form of thinking. This is beyond fucked when you stop and think about it.

Part 135: Well... This Is One Way To End A Video Game

I think 80% of the conclusion for Final Fantasy IX is an unintelligible dumpster fire. The other 20% is a marvelous spectacle which ties the characters together in an emotionally resonant and touching conclusion. For all intents and purposes I should have violently rejected Final Fantasy IX's final vignettes as convenient bow-tying, and nothing more. But I cared enough about each of the character's on account of the game's heart being in the right place, and the story exuding charm during its quieter moments.

The emotional core of Final Fantasy IX comes from its use of interpersonal relationships. Whether it be a growing sense of brotherhood or burgeoning feeling of love; the story subjects you to the highest of highs when it stays grounded on relatable characters. The final batch of vignettes provides this in spades. Discovering Vivi’s family, or Eiko being adopted by Cid and Hilda provided the strongest emotional reaction I have had since the Black Mage Village on disc two.

Each character receives a satisfying conclusion you feel they have earned. Through hard work and due diligence, our cast members finally can wipe the sweat from their brow and settle down to appreciate the finer things in life. It is honestly a marvel to watch a story provide a sense of resolution to each of its characters that avoids coming across as cheap and unearned. Every character ends up in a position which fits their character. It's as if we are witnessing the magic of storytelling in action.

Freya finds herself back in the loving arms of Fratley. While she still retains the memories of their previous relationship, she recognizes the need to make a new lineage of memories as they both work to rebuild Burmecia. Eiko has been adopted by Cid and Hilda, with the quarrelsome couple finally having patched their relationship up. Eiko is seen expressing a sense of affection towards her adopted parents and knowing she is finally in a loving home is a touching reward given all she has been through. Steiner convinces Beatrix to delay her retirement so they can defend the kingdom they have grown up in together. Shit man, I'm just thankful Steiner somehow turned into a character worth a fuck. Amarant is still seen wandering the outskirts as a vagabond, but this time is seen with Lani. This suggests he's finally seeing the worth of working with friends, rather than in isolation. Quina is a chef... that's all I will say about Quina.

Then we watch Garnet assume the throne of Alexandria. She has transformed into the queen she was destined to become, and gone is her superficial posturing. She is humble, mature, and serious when it comes to her responsibilities in running her kingdom. Then there's Vivi... GOOD GOD did this game almost manage to squeeze a tear out of me. After the characters were subjected to hypercharged melodrama, witnessing the conclusion of Vivi's arc is without a doubt the most rewarding aspect of Final Fantasy IX's story. While Vivi is dead, he has ensured the continuation of his life lessons by spawning a new generation of Black Mages. Our rewards in life sometimes are not physical or material goods, and this serves is a friendly reminder. The progeny of Vivi also underscores the narrative's point about the immortality of memories.

The speech Vivi extolls in the game's last moments is equally poignant. Being the game's emotional core you cannot help but feel a twinge of sadness Vivi is gone. Knowing this, the writers had every line of dialogue from Vivi detail why we would shouldn't feel sad. Vivi thanks Zidane and everyone else for providing him with a rewarding life, and promises that the experiences he has had with them will live on forever in the next generation of Black Mages. It's a deathbed soliloquy that works versus the problematic soliloquy we witnessed from Kuja. Here we literally watch a character say goodbye to both the characters in the game, and us, and I cannot help but feel emotionally moved.

One can decry the game for relying too heavily on a heterosexual nuclear family as a cultural norm. The game presents heteronormativity with no alternatives. But if the result is as emotionally moving as this you almost want to let the issue slide. Well, there is one thing which really bugged me about the ending.

Part 136: Zidane Is A MASSIVE ASSHOLE To Garnet

So there's a person who really likes you. I would even hazard a guess they are madly in love with you and may be interested in spawning an army of children with you. You feel equally passionate about this partner. You two get split up, and your partner believes you to be dead and has been struggling to come to terms with your death ever since. Surprise, you aren't dead, so my question is this: how do you approach your partner for the first time?

Do you:

a.) Relocate your partner post-haste. Why cause them to fret about your supposed death more than necessary?

OR

b.) Wait months upon end until you can surprise your partner as a masked member of an acting troupe.

The play as a scene is too fucking long. You immediately understand what the game is going for the moment the play starts. At no point does the game invert your expectations. It satiates your expectations without disappointing them. Even then, a solid five minutes could have been lopped off of it and I would have felt better about the scene overall.

Like seriously, Zidane is an asshole. Here's the one person he loves more than anything else and he waits until he can make a massive scene where everyone can watch him be lovingly embraced by Garnet. This is a real fucked up thing to do to the person you love. But hey, it provides the game with its final "money shot," so I guess everything is forgiven.

Also, this game seems to know me better than I know myself. After Garnet and Zidane have their loving embrace the game smash cuts to this prompt:

The game responds to its own prompt with the greatest possible answer:

Part 137: How Do You Solve a Problem Like Final Fantasy IX?

So I'm done. I am finally free from another one of my Final Fantasy induced Sisyphean torments. This time I feel calling my Final Fantasy journey a "torment" is pure histrionics. There was a lot to be enthralled about over Final Fantasy IX. Simultaneously there was plenty to decry about the game all the same. I can safely say I enjoyed my time with Final Fantasy IX more than what I initially suspected.

I have yet to find the Final Fantasy game which strikes a chord with me. I'm still trying to find "my" Final Fantasy game. Final Fantasy IX got closer than the previous entries in the franchise I have played. Unfortunately, there was enough in the game I found to be "off," that it didn't entirely resonate with me as much as I would like. This blog series has made my perspective on storytelling and narrative structure nakedly apparent. A simple, but tight narrative goes a long way, and so far this series has been bereft of what I normally look for in my stories or video game experiences.

I cannot shirk away the "lower" moments I had with the game's story either. The twists and pivots in Final Fantasy IX were without a doubt better storytelling devices than those which graced Final Fantasy VII or VIII, but they were personally more frustrating. I was bored with the initial set up to Final Fantasy IX given my personal distaste for the fantasy genre. Knowing what I know now I cannot help but wonder if the game would have benefited from being a more traditional Final Fantasy game through and through. By not being a more grounded in reality story Final Fantasy IX swung and missed on a stark number of story set pieces. This also exacerbates the game's issue of having more than a dozen half-baked story twists and plot developments. For every Vivi character arc, we have everything which occurred in Terra. For all intents and purposes, the math is against Final Fantasy IX's favor.

Then there's the point of mechanics; a point I have honestly neglected on this series. Final Fantasy IX is the Final Fantasy game I enjoyed "playing" the least. The odd middle ground the game seeks to strike between the junction system from VIII and the more traditional combat systems from the past made it difficult for me to wrap my mind around. The game failing to surface its nebulous jobs or classifications of characters also hurt my experience. I can see the value of having gameplay distinct characters after Final Fantasy VII and VIII both struggled to differentiate their cast with their respective "Tabula Rasa" combat systems. However, Final Fantasy IX pushes things too far to the opposite side of the spectrum. The game’s battle system is a sluggish bore and takes its sweet ass time to speed up to a tolerable pace. What I find even more intolerable is how it fails to become visually or mechanically interesting until the second-half of the game.

But when Final Fantasy IX "works," it is a marvel to behold. Those "half-baked" plot pivots I mentioned earlier? They don't account for as much of the game as I make them out to. In their stead, are some resonant and touching character moments which I will hold on to for the rest of my life. When Final Fantasy IX understands the value of its characters and their place in its narrative, it can function at the plane it believes it is worthy of functioning at.

I have already mentioned how I believe Vivi is the emotional core of Final Fantasy IX, but it is a point worth echoing. Vivi isn't just the best character in Final Fantasy IX; he may well be one of the greatest characters seen in the medium. Over the course of the game, we watched a clumsy and naïve young lad evolve into a mature adult. His transformation is a slow, but deliberate change you relate and empathize with. Vivi's journey with mortality is one we will all have to face at some point, and I can only hope to face my mortality with half the grace Vivi did.

A majority of the cast were equal heavy hitters. I could moan and groan about Amarant and Quina until my face turned blue, but even they had their moments in the game's concluding hours. Better yet was Steiner, Garnet, and Zidane. All three of these characters annoyed me to no end during the game's initial moments, and yet somehow the game convinced me to care about them. From watching Steiner become a self-reflective adult to Garnet casting aside her superficial affectations; the changes to these characters felt real. Zidane was an emotional roller-coaster for me. Some of the game's "lowest" moments owe their dubious status on account of him. However, I cannot help but see a part of myself in Zidane, and I can only imagine the designers intended me to feel this way. His brash naivety is continually confronted by the stark world he is forced to interact with, and eventually, he comes to understand what really is important in life. His brotherhood with Vivi was a continual delight, and his other interpersonal relationships brought a true sense of unbridled joy to Final Fantasy IX.

While I'm still not entirely "sold" on the relationship between Garnet and Zidane, it was a relationship at least built upon the foundation of mutual respect and affection. Unlike Final Fantasy VIII, whose relationship arc was the equal to nails on a chalkboard, there was a sense of progression with Garnet's love for Zidane, and vice versa. We watch Zidane and Garnet playfully tease each other, and through it all you watch the two come to a mutual understanding of each other. This sense of progression was an attribute to Final Fantasy IX I greatly appreciated. The worlds we explore morph and change depending on our place in the story, and characters come and go depending on our actions. Final Fantasy IX is a game which leaves no stone unturned even for the smallest things.

So I am left with this final conclusion. I can finally recommend a Final Fantasy game without a caveat. I recommend Final Fantasy VIII to anyone who wishes to play the video game equivalent to a laughably bad movie. For Final Fantasy VII, I stand by my assessment every person with a decent respect for video game history should at least attempt to play Final Fantasy VII once. So where does this leave Final Fantasy IX? Final Fantasy IX is a charming and heartwarming affair anyone who needs to feel better about themselves should play.

Final Fantasy IX has its fair share of issues, but many of these issues are endemic to a franchise as storied and complicated as Final Fantasy. But by hook or by crook the cast and characters of the game drag the story straight to your heart. Some of the absolute best moments in video game storytelling can be had in Final Fantasy IX. Sure you need to wade through what seems like a mountain of bullshit, but it's worth it to see the game's character moments progress a wee-bit more. And that's ultimately where I have to leave you. Final Fantasy IX is a flawed diamond on every possible edge, but somehow you see a luminous center worth holding on to till the end of time.

So give the game a try. It is a game made with a pure vision with a cast of characters that exude charm. Maybe you'll end up thinking the story doesn't work, but you will be hard-pressed to deny it's a game crafted without an ounce of cynicism or malice. I won't blame you if you end up walking away from it after the first ten hours, but you have to try it at least once. If you appreciate video games as a medium for self-expression and art, then you owe it to yourself to run through the game. I promise you will not regret doing so.

I actually fell off of FFIX fairly early (still on Disk 1) and it's one of my biggest gaming regrets. I just found the intro too slow and, as superficial as it may be, I couldn't get past an art-style I really dislike. I know so many whose favourite FF game is IX though, so I do want to go back to it at some point (I'm just always either wanting to play a new game coming out, or replay one I love - going back to an older game I missed or didn't complete is something I rarely do).

I'm glad you found a game that you could enjoy overall though (even if that chocograph searching side-quest sounds like torture)...

Does this mean Final Fantasy X is next? Please, Please, Please play X. I'm almost sure you'll hate Tidus (and therefore the entire conceit for the story's delivery) but it's my favourite game of all time so I'd love to read your adventures through it.

Fantastic write-up. You should play FFX next, but totally understand if you want to play something else for a while. I find Final Fantasy games are hard to play back to back. I always need a game or two in between to help clear my gaming palate.

Glad to see you made it through it. I'm not going to defend against most of your complaints about Disc 4; they're valid. I think I just always felt the way you seem to in your final assessment; the good outweighs the bad. And I mostly don't even notice the bad (it helps that I never do the side quests).

Except Necron. Fuck that guy.

I honestly enjoyed every minute reading these. I don't know if I'm impressed or worried for you for finishing all that in a single sitting though.

Curious if you thought about playing a different JRPG series such as Lunar or Suikoden? I think those games typically tend to be better RPG's than the Final Fantasies but don't have nearly the budget either. Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete and Suikoden are some one of my favorite PS1 era JRPGs. Suikoden III is fantastic if you have access to a PS2.

Also everything you stated about the final battle is 100% why I actively disliked FFIX as a whole. I think the game presents a very strong Disk 1 but really fails to improve upon it in the latter disks. The redemption of Kuja is also incredibly shitty.

Edit: I realize that Lunar is a Sega CD game but I never owned or a played Lunar until my PS1

Ha! He said "square away".

@zombiepie I'll just say this about other FF games...if you think about playing FFXV, wait. Just wait. Wait for all the DLC to come out, wait for the story patches. Quite frankly, it just isn't finished yet. However, once it is finished, it could be pretty great. It's definitely great from a gameplay standpoint, and it's got some great presentation aspects, and the leads are actually really strong and go a VERY different direction than most Final Fantasy games. It's just better to wait for all of the pieces to be in place first.

PSX Fantasies done! I suppose X is next. Good luck with that. Voice acting!

(You really should play Xenogears sometime. It's the absolute insanest of the PSX JRPGs.)

Well done.

Congratulations for getting this far. You only have 10 main-series, non-MMO Final Fantasy games left, alongside at least 3 direct sequels!... maybe you should just do what you did when you watched High School of the Dead and play them all while slightly drunk?

@zombiepie: So...you played Blackjack at the end, right?

Thanks for doing this series, zombie. FFIX is my favorite Final Fantasy games, and one of my favorite games, but watching my fiancee play it last year, and reading this, made me realize a lot of the flaws in this game. And in every Final Fantasy because guess what, they never figure out the minigame thing. They are all terrible. Believe no one. They are all horrible. You haven't even seen X's blitzball (or X-2's fucked up fantasy Blackjack). But god damn, IX has some fucking heart to it. More heart than you'll find in most games. And honestly, I don't know if you're going to find a game that gets close. You'll find better playing games (XIII and X are my favorite systems in the series so far), and games that might have more skillfully crafted worldbuilding (some weirdos reeeeally love FFXII for this reason, and that applies to all of the Ivalice games), but I don't think you'll find any that hit the highs that FFIX does. And none of them have a Vivi.

I know you're going to play X next, and I hope you enjoy that game. It's honestly not as bad as it may have been hyped up to be. A lot of it is the kind of awkwardness that comes with having voiced dialog for the first time. I don't know your schedule after that, but I would really love to hear your thoughts on XV. That is a game that has a lot of neat ideas and executes well on none of them. You might want to swing by FFVI before hand though because there are a lot of callback.

Having played this game to a breaking point I at least understand why people view Final Fantasy IX in such a high regard. The game exudes charm and for the most part crafted with a sense of joy you cannot stop looking at. It certainly could have benefited from a bit of tightening up here and there, but video games as a medium are still struggling with much which plagued Final Fantasy IX.

In terms of playing Final Fantasy X... I have one surprise for everyone who enjoys this series, but I think the cat is out of the bag at this point. X GON GIVE IT TO YA!

@thatpinguino is never going to allow me to have a "break" from Final Fantasy games. I have been running this series for two years, and I have just completed the PlayStation One era Final Fantasy games... I AM DOOMED! DOOMED! HOW MANY FINAL FANTASY GAMES ARE GOING TO BE PUBLISHED IN THE TIME IT TAKES ME TO GET CAUGHT UP TO THE MOST RECENT RELEASE?

But the "elephant in the room," as I tend to say, is this inevitably means I have to play Final Fantasy X-2. I do not know how I feel about this.

Final Fantasy IX was a tough nut to crack for me. Never before have I felt such a wide spectrum of emotions while playing a video game. It goes without say that the game ended up winning me over in the end. There certainly were bumps and bruises along the way, but the game's characters are so heart-warming and touching. How can you fault a game that provided Vivi? Put Vivi in a can and sell it to me for $500! I'll take twenty!

But fucking Necron... what the fuck? The crystal shit is almost as bad as Necron, but DAMN is Necron just a wet bag of farts in an otherwise pleasurable ending.

If only I had captured the frantic Steam chat messages I sent to thatpinguino. Within the first two hours of working on the Chocobo Hot and Cold mission I honestly wanted to walk away from the game. For reasons I will never fully comprehend I was stuck trying to get the last couple of treasure maps on Chocobo's Lagoon. A literal two hours of my life were wasted banging my head on the wall that is Final Fantasy IX's random number generator. It broke me. The game broke me.

I threatened to quit the game, and as I was about to apologize for walking from my obligation to record his podcast... I got both treasure maps in the same dig attempt.

I hate 45% of Final Fantasy IX.

On a previous episode I recall hinting at currently possessing a Raspberry Pi with a game emulator. I played a handful of games from the Ys and Lunar franchises. Ys seems absolutely BALLER! It has an interesting mix between action-adventure elements with RPG mechanics I could seem myself getting behind. Lunar: The Silver Star has a sense of scope I was entirely unprepared for. That game starts with a bang, and continues to work on creating an epic world you really want to explore. Mind you, I only played around two hours with each game, but my initial impressions were completely positive.

Did you mention a Final Fantasy game which starts with a strong first disc, but quickly devolves into nonsense? I'm sorry, but I thought Final Fantasy VIII was on a different blog series?

I am no pun master like @mento, but when I see the opportunity to take advantage of a pun, I PUN FOR THE HILLS!

The end at last!

For you question...

There are so many conflicting design and story decisions within the game I honestly do not know what to make of it. Were the enjoyable moments with Vivi a sign of Square's mastery of their craft, or just dumb luck?

I think you found the answer yourself

I have an easier time relating to wanting to protect one's family and friends, rather than some Deus Ex Machina crystal.

The issue with most of these stories or games is that if you dive deep enough eventually you get to a point where you have to ask the questions, where the world comes from, where life comes from. This isn't just limited to FF. This is a (literally) world building problem. Even a story based in the "real" world as long as there's a "magical" element the question then merely becomes where does this "magic" comes from (SMT/Persona series for example). Answering these questions are not always fun and clean, and very often falls apart one way or another when it goes into the deep end. In some respect perhaps less is more, and not letting the story go into that direction is a smarter move, sometimes however that might be just a bit too shallow. Too campy, too crazy, too generic, are also common criticisms of this problem. Occasionally however a crazy deep dive could be interesting to some, or perhaps unraveling the mystery IS the point of the game, and that's why there are people like me who are into the likes of Xenogears and Xenosaga. Character stories or moments are perhaps easier to relate, but not always necessarily agreeable, think of all the "bad decisions" Garnet, Zidane, or Steiner made for instance, but even if they are flawed and disagreeable, they could be view as character traits or room for characters to grow.

Minigame, side quests, RNG, and fetch quests are also problems that games run into in general, perhaps less now with mini games. If you really get down to it nearly everything is a fetch quests in one form or another. Go somewhere, talk to someone, get an item, kill an enemy. Hell, go somewhere, talk to NPC, kill the NPC, then loot the item could all be a single fetch quest, clever writing could disguise it a little, but if you look hard enough it's mostly the same. For side quests if it is critical, why optional? If not critical, why exist? Are side quests just something for the player to check off? Something that exist in games because they always have? Although FFXIII-3 might be worth a look regarding these aspects. RNG is also complicated, there are games out there that build almost solely on top of a rng, as for FF itself sadly I feel like they are going deeper into the rng direction. Rare enemy spawn, rare drops are common occurrences in the later titles, along with tedious grinding I feel like they took the wrong MMO lessons.

Back to IX itself.

I don't know if Garland needs a redemption arc as much as he should have been more than just a text info dump nearly every time he shows up, but the time for Garland to shine was already gone by this stage of the game. The final dungeon itself is something that FF is still trying to get a grip on. FF final dungeons are always fairly difficult, they are often long and perhaps a bit too tedious. Should the story still be ongoing while inside the dungeon or should it have wrapped up mostly and the dungeon is merely as a final challenge? I think they still struggle with that and honestly I don't know if there's a good solution.

As for Kuja the quasi-redemptive scene with him is indeed odd. His world destroying rampage is clearly "wrong", but I think it could be somewhat acceptable for him to have his final scene if there's a clearer focus. I think it should have been more clear that it is about him fighting against his fate similar to Zidane and Vivi, but he is doing so in the complete opposite way. It might have worked better if the posturing of the fight between Zidane and Kuja is one of ideology differences and the having and lacking of people around them. Considering he was the first to rebel against his pre-destined role, the Mikoto's scene isn't completely unwarranted.

We don't talk about Necron...I guess it is possible to view Necron as the goal of Kuja's action as in Necron is actually the one/thing that is going to destroy the world as Kuja wanted, but still random as fuck.

Forget FFX! I want to know the verdict on LunarSSC! It is my it-isn't-bad-but-I-spent-too-much-time-looking-and-money-on-it game.

I'm glad you (seemed to) enjoy most of the ending vignettes. I always felt like IX has one of the more powerful/fulfilling endings of the series, which is also the main reason the Necron stuff never bothered me (the other part being that there's usually an awful "but the true villain was *god* all along!" twist in JRPGs, and so I don't even bat an eye at its appearance anymore).

I'm pretty sure I've disagreed with you on a lot of tonal whiplash moments or undeserved character moments, but I'll give you Kuja's "redemption". Doesn't reflect anything we've seen of that character, breaks the parallel with Vivi for cheap melodrama. Dunno who thought that was a good idea.

I almost wish they dropped the name after FFIX. I've mentioned before it was the last game the creator of the series ever directed, and you can see a lot of the passion he put into it. It definitely feels like a farewell and a celebration of what came before. I don't think Final Fantasy has felt the same since, and certainly don't think it's found a strong leg to stand on all these years later. FFXV is a mishmash of popular western design, archaic JRPG design, pretty boys, so many plot elements introduced and discarded in the same cutscene, characters given no development or screen time whilst the game acts like you do care, and references to past games that feel hollow and undeserved. It's essentially the anti-FFIX as far as I'm concerned.

But hey, you cleared out an entire generation of Final Fantasy! Congrats!

NOW PLAY THE XIII TRILOGY AND SUFFER WITH THE REST OF US

I'm happy you came around to FFIX being a net positive experience. As a child, it's harder to point out the inconsistencies in the plot when you don't have the experience to do so or the experience to know what's good. And yet even when I a kid, I knew Necron was complete bullshit! Still, that ending with Vivi's final letter. Man... Vivi is the best.

Since everyone else is throwing in their recommendations for the future, I nominate Suikoden 2. One of my favorite JRPGs and one that I believe still holds up. I don't know, it could be a nice change of pace since Suikoden's plot and setting are removed from the type of narrative most JRPGs fall under. Instead of a globe-trotting journey with companions on a quest to defeat an evil and save some crystals, Suikoden takes place in a historical-like war setting, like the Sengoku Jidai or the Three Kingdoms period, albeit with some magical undertones. You're basically a youth who, for a number of reasons depending on the installment, builds up an army (filled with people you've bonded or helped along the way) to confront the atrocities of these wars and ultimately end them. Personally, I feel like Suikoden 2 is the most well rounded game in the series with the best story, while still being competent gameplay wise.

@zombiepie said:

It's hard to blame fans for thinking that, since the series has done that before:

(in fact, Zeromus is kind of both of those fan theories at once!) and since:

But you're right that it's not really going for subtlety.

@zombiepie: When you say this kind of stuff - when are you going to learn your lesson?

Out of pure desperation, I ended up examining several fan theories as to the “true meaning behind Necron.” I ended up deeply regretting my decision, but that is a story for another time. The fan theories I saw devolved into two distinct camps. The theories either thought Necron was the personification of a negative emotion, or Necron was the reincarnation of a character we encountered earlier. As was the case when I idiotically decided to read into the "Squall is dead" fan theory for Final Fantasy VIII, I ended up seeing massive flaws to each of these fan theories.

Steiner definitely won my "Most Improved Character" award by the end of this game. It also helps that in the final boss fight during my first playthrough he was the last character standing, in Trance, and delivered the final shot with less than a thousand hit points left.

Nine was also the Final Fantasy game that I spent the least amount of time knocking out sidequests. After playing through VIII and VII, I just did not see them as anything more as filler to pad the hour count. It was much better to just play through the main story, with a little sidetrack here and there, and get it all pounded out in 30-40 hours.

@zombiepie

@zirilius said:

Curious if you thought about playing a different JRPG series such as Lunar or Suikoden? I think those games typically tend to be better RPG's than the Final Fantasies but don't have nearly the budget either. Lunar: Silver Star Story Complete and Suikoden are some one of my favorite PS1 era JRPGs. Suikoden III is fantastic if you have access to a PS2.

Also everything you stated about the final battle is 100% why I actively disliked FFIX as a whole. I think the game presents a very strong Disk 1 but really fails to improve upon it in the latter disks. The redemption of Kuja is also incredibly shitty.

On a previous episode I recall hinting at currently possessing a Raspberry Pi with a game emulator. I played a handful of games from the Ys and Lunar franchises. Ys seems absolutely BALLER! It has an interesting mix between action-adventure elements with RPG mechanics I could seem myself getting behind. Lunar: The Silver Star has a sense of scope I was entirely unprepared for. That game starts with a bang, and continues to work on creating an epic world you really want to explore. Mind you, I only played around two hours with each game, but my initial impressions were completely positive.

Did you mention a Final Fantasy game which starts with a strong first disc, but quickly devolves into nonsense? I'm sorry, but I thought Final Fantasy VIII was on a different blog series?

Touché! I can't argue with you on that.

I could never get into the Ys games but know they have a reputation of being good games. I'm curious if I would have a better appreciation of them these days as I typically have more patience in wanting to learn new systems. I can't recommend Lunar enough though. I've played just about every iteration of that game that has been released with the sole exception of the Sega CD version. The PS1 version is the closest to the original game but the XSEED Lunar: Silver Star Harmony for the PSP would be a close second.

@soimadeanaccount: The problem with Final Fantasy IX is that it attempts to answer "big questions" with fan service. Plenty of games try to explain where life or souls originate from and fail, but Final Fantasy IX's failure in dealing with either of these questions is a whole different beast. The crystal reveal as well as Necron come out of nowhere, and not properly scaffolded within the context of the mainline story. Again, I do not fault the game for trying to explain the origin of life within its universe, but at some point everyone deserves better than "oh hey, there's a crystal in the center of the universe... PEACE!" The crystal is presented, and then never addressed again. It's simply there because previous Final Fantasy games revolved around collecting crystals. Had the first batch of games not revolved around this premise, then the game would not have had this reveal.

And I want everyone to understand I really liked Kuja right up until the game tries to build my sympathy for him. Just have him be the villain. Why is this not acceptable?

@clagnaught: I don't know if Final Fantasy IX should be the "correct" answer. I understand why thatpinguino selected it as his favorite Final fantasy game, but there's enough to the game that sticks in my craw that I cannot help but hope there's something better down the road. And by "road" I mean future games I play on this horrible blood pack I have made with thatpinguino.

I am nowhere near Final Fantasy XV at this point. By the time I get to Final Fantasy Xv I fully anticipate three mainline Final Fantasy games would have been released, as well as a new MMORPG. Shit, at this point I could reasonably predict the release of twenty mobile/iOS games by the time I get to Final Fantasy XV.

I have been doing this FOR TWO YEARS! Over the course of two years I have only managed to complete THREE FINAL FANTASY GAMES! I AM DOOMED!

I said it on the conveniently topical thread discussing the voice acting in Final Fantasy X, but I am entirely blasé about what I have seen. It is a product of its time.

Watch anything that aired during the original run of Toonami, and come back to me about the quality of anime voice acting in the 2000's.

I am all but sure consuming alcohol whilst playing a Final Fantasy game is a felony in my state. I'm not one to tote having an encyclopedic knowledge of penal code, but I'm pretty sure playing a Final Fantasy game is considered to be operating a "vehicle" in most of the United States.

Also, I would like the record to show I really do not want to play the MMORPGs. I'm not ready. I will never be ready.

I... I don't think the problems associated with Final Fantasy IX are all that hard to solve. Like seriously, they just need to stop with the minigame bullshitery. Just let me resolve the issues in the game either through diplomacy/dialogue or combat. RPGs have been using varying degrees of the dialogue choices vs. combat spectrum for decades. Why has this never been legitimately attempted in the final Fantasy franchise? Wouldn't allowing for this result in... "role-playing?"

But yeah, Final Fantasy IX has heart and soul like no game I have ever played before. The motley crew in the game are there to please you every step of the way and there isn't an ounce of cynicism or malice to be had whilst playing it. Final Fantasy IX is a game which is guaranteed to make you laugh and smile at some point. It's just I wished the game had more evenly spread out its "lighter" moments.

You have inadvertently reminded me of Jeff's Blitball rant by the way.

@zombiepie: Necron as Soulcage is just dumb. Necron as the personification of nihilism, or even the nihilistic part of Kuja's subconscious, is an interesting idea, but one the game doesn't set up for at all. They could have though. Kuja going feel nihilistic was setup well I thought; he realizes he is basically the same as the black mage he has been manipulating and he won't live to see any of his dreams realized, so he snaps. Fine. At that point the game could've gone the route of looking at the consequences of that nihilism, with Necron being the end result. But none of that happened. Instead the game sabotages a fantastic finale fighting Kuja (so good music...) with this outta-nowhere big dummy.

@zombiepie: I'm not sure if you have selected a next game, but I imagine you might appreciate FFVI from the little bit I've played of it and the general buzz around it. Too bad the PC port has those kind of messed up graphics. If you go newer, I'm not sure how that will hold up. Despite how funny I think it would be for you to play the FFXIII's, there's almost no way you would like them more than what you've seen so far. I really liked FFX, but it's been 10 to 15 years ago.

Maybe you've been talking about this stuff with Gino. I've been downloading those Final Fantasy podcasts, but haven't listened to them yet. I've been saving them for some reason.

@zombiepie: You're right, they aren't that hard to solve. I kind of misspoke there when I said "any game", I was mostly thinking in terms of Final Fantasy. And...I don't think any of the Final Fantasy games have actually solved those problems. And I don't think any of the Final Fantasy games have managed to hold a theme like IX does. But I haven't played them all, and some weirdos reeeally love FFXII.

For Necron, I like the idea that it's just Death. Not nihilism or evil or anger, just death. Thematically, the entire game is about death. It makes sense that the final challenge would be some personification of death.

Does that make it well done? Nooooooooo! Necron is easily the worst part of this game, from its place in the story to its actual fight.

Using crystal as an origin of life macguffin in the FF series isn't a new concept as you have no doubt have noticed. Not to mention IX was touted as a return to form for the series and they even named dropped crystal during their marketing campaign. I don't particularly like it, but I guess for me it doesn't come about as much of a twists or fan service when it showed up, but rather as "oh you are doing this again, got it" kind of deal, not impressed, but good enough I guess. Which is sort of my feeling towards the game in general, well maybe slightly more positive. I think you actually like IX more than me, and through following your blog I think I am starting to understand why people are so enamored with it.

Enjoyed this blog a ton and I have to say I relived a few roller-coaster moments from my own FFIX play-through in the days of yore while reading. IX's only real hold on me was the characters and by jeebus I needed to see how their stories played out! I blew so many late nights on this game.

I'd like to recommend a JRPG intercession with deep character investment; Star Ocean: The Second Story. It's a Tri-Ace joint published by Enix before Square got ahold of it. It has some of THE best combat mechanics from the sprite age. The characters and their interactive nature are superb and are devilishly good at making you care about their stories. I constantly pine for the days of another equal caliber Star Ocean to release but I think that ship sailed when 3D took over the AAA landscape. Here's hoping you aren't too crushed by FFX (I still never finished X-2 and if you make it there I think I might just boot it up again and re-live the agony).

PS: Embrace the Dressphere

@gee_rad: So there's two things about this that I am still wondering about. First, is Necron a shameless Final Fantasy reference from a literal and figurative level? Necron coming out of nowhere seems to honor a tradition within the franchise I am none too please to see be honored. However, is the narrative use of Necron also a reference? Is a final boss being the personification of a negative emotion an established trope in the series?

If that is what we are talking about... this is the worst game ever made.

I am amazed at how Garnet and Steiner improved over the course of the game. Both were introduced as "fish out of water" characters, and their humor was largely intolerable. I have to wonder if the game needed to both characters come across as nuisances for so long, but all well that ends well. I would even argue Eiko develops some redemptive traits as the story progresses. She's not that terrible as the story concludes.

In regards to side quests... I don't know. Every Final Fantasy side quest I have done thus far has been either a dumpster fire, or for sake of grinding. I have to hope they get better eventually, right?

It warms my heart to know Necron being a load of bullshit is an openly accepted fact among even the most die-hard supporters of Final Fantasy IX. After my folly into the realm of fan theories I was under the impression most fans were apologists for what can only be described to be lazy and abrupt storytelling. But this is all a side note as you suggested. Vivi's letter and the vignettes at the end are all spectacularly done. They aim directly for your heart, and the game manages to hit its target perfectly for once.

The thing about Ys is that the franchise seems to experiment with each game. Some are more fundamental than others, but it is nice to see another JRPG series introspectively adapt their mechanics similar to Final Fantasy. Lunar impressed by its sheer anime-ness. It was still baller to play, but that was game that clearly aimed for technical excellence first and foremost.

Is he the weird samurai dude who can kill any boss in one shot, but you have to sacrifice a dumb amount of money in order for him to do that?

If he is, he's okay.

While he does not argue Necron is Soulcage, @thatpinguino is a die-hard supporter of the notion Necron is the personification of "nihilism." As my blog post hopefully articulates I do not entirely buy into this notion, but the idea is interesting enough to discuss. In the end, why couldn't we have just had Kuja transform into Necron? Why couldn't the game just have two or three crazy transformations of Kuja like every Final Fantasy game tends to have for its bosses?

If you are going to have the ending of Final Fantasy IX be a walking reference factory, then why not also use that trope? It would have actually improved the story ten-fold.

Well, I wouldn't call Necron a reference exactly. But I guess you could call him the unfortunate combination of two Final Fantasy tropes: third-act bullshit and final boss as personification of evil.

It's been in the series since the first entry, in which Garland absorbs power and transforms into Chaos, so it's definitely a thing. 4 and 10 I posted screenshots from, and it's also arguably a thing in 3 and 5. The point is Necron being the personification of nihilism or whatever wouldn't be an outlier for the series, just a particularly bad execution of it. Although 4 arguably does a terser, blunter version of the same thing.

But on the bright side, 10 is about defeating Sin from nearly the beginning, so you have that to look forward to.

FFX being my favorite of the single-player Final Fantasies, I suppose now that you're moving on to X, this becomes the point where I become a regular reader of these things. I worry so much I'll start sounding like some sort of defensive fanboy, yet at the same time I can hardly wait 'till you begin.

@zombiepie:

I DID EXACTLY WHAT THE GAME WANTED ME TO FOR TEN MINUTES! AND I GOT NOTHING! NOTHING! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? This is downright unacceptable! This isn't fun! This is a nightmare factory! At no point was I enthralled with the world I was interacting with. Someone please make the pain stop! THERE IS NO RELEASE! THIS IS THE END!

I couldn't help but picture Jeff saying this. Great write up.

It's really interesting to see how someone who never played these games at the time experiences them now. My thoughts and feelings on particularly VII, VIII, IX and X are coloured by the fact I was a kid/teenager when I played them. So a (reasonably ;P) grown up person playing them now is fascinating. You make many good points about how these games play out that my kid/teenager brain either didn't pay attention to, assumed I was to young to fully understand, or straight up didn't care because I was just playing Final Fantasy and back then I was in love with the franchise. Even when I go back occasionally and replay one of them, I can't help but have my nostalgic rose tinted glasses on and give passes to things that today I wouldn't. I still hope through the pain of such games, you have found a little pleasure! ^_^

@zirilius: @quarters: @jesus_phish: @arbitrarywater: @justin258: @naoiko: @pauljeremiah: @dixavd: @drdarkstryfe: @dudeglove: @fezrock: @clagnaught: @soimadeanaccount: @gee_rad: @marokai: @stordoff:

Hey everyone, I fucked up! I started playing Mobius Final Fantasy ironically and... I can't stop playing this game. It's terrible... but I can't stop. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be playing Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster, but know I have fallen into this mobile F2P hole. I dun fucked up!

I actually started doing the math on how much money to put into this thing so I can see more of the story. How do I stop?

Bosses after supposed end bosses might be one of my least favourite things.

@zombiepie: Exactly how terrible is Mobius Final Fantasy? Could you write an extraordinarily detailed blog about it?

@zombiepie: While I'm still desperately looking forward to you playing X (and even X-2 if you have the will for it!), I'm not necessarily opposed to this development.

You are, and forever will be, my favorite goddamn monster, Zeep.

@zombiepie: On the bright side, you will eventually hit a wall with the available content and then you could move on to X. If not, hey you could do a side story about your adventures with Mobius. XD Hang in there duder! You walk a rough path, but your not alone. Your duder friends will try to help. Remember, stay away from the 'store' button, and everything will be ok.

Makes you think.

@zombiepie

Just make sure when starting X that you know about two very particular item pickup moments- one near the beginning, one near then end. If you pass them by, these Dark Superboss things go and hang out in front of them and you'll never get them. So 100% make sure to know about those two instances.

"Is he the weird samurai dude who can kill any boss in one shot, but you have to sacrifice a dumb amount of money in order for him to do that?" No that's the summon Yojimbo. Auron is a party character- and older guy in a red kimono.

On the flip-side, if Final Fantasy IX didn't have these characters, and relied entirely on its main story-line and mechanics I don't think anyone would be talking about it now. What really makes Final Fantasy IX special isn't what I thought it would be. But in the end, who cares? If a gae is able to hook you, no matter how cheap, it still managed to hook you.

Here's a fun fact about my recent folly into Final Fantasy X. I DIED BEFORE REACHING THE GAME'S FIRST BOSS! @thatpinguino didn't believe me at first, but it happened. I died on the Sin Scale monsters before I could even reach the glowing dagger tentacle monster.

You are speaking LATIN right now! I have been doing my best to locate treasures here and there, but I can imagine I have already missed a couple of things. Is what you are alluding to the weird "Moon Crest" you pick in the Bikini Town? Because I have no idea what that is.

My first impressions of Final Fantasy X are mostly positive. The HD Remix is AMAZING! The textures and resolution of the game is without a doubt laudable to everyone who worked on the package. There are two notable consequences to the higher resolution graphics: 1) the majesty and impact of the CG cutscenes are diminished now that the overall game looks better, and 2) they up-rezed the facial textures, and sometimes when the faces animate EVERYTHING LOOKS TERRIBLE!

I try to please when writing these blogs! Examining any game well after its release with a fine-toothed comb can be "problematic" to say the least. Back when I decided to do the Final Fantasy VII series I realized that was the "do or die" season. Either the community would allow me to "have my way" with a more venerated Final Fantasy game, or I would stop. This isn't to say I wanted to subject my readers to crass or offensive humor, but I was honestly concerned what the response would be to both the VII and IX series given how beloved they are.

Now that I know we can all have fun and discuss the ins and outs of each game it alleviates me of one of my greatest fears. People spoiling stuff will always be an issue, but if I can still have fun then it is all worth it.

When you boot the game up the first screen says "TAP TO START!" THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO REMOVE ALL THE REFERENCES TO THIS NOT BEING THE IOS/ANDROID VERSION OF THE GAME!

Oh and used my free tickets to get a high-leveled Dark Magic card... BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHARACTER CLASS THAT CAN USE DARK MAGIC! So now I have to grind to unlock more tickets, or just buy them, in order to hopefully draw a class that can use Dark Magic.

I need to write something about the first chapter of that game... someone needs to. But don't worry I just played Five hours of Final Fantasy X.... I had a weekend filled to the brim with Final Fantasy. I got so light-headed that at one point I accidentally moved Yuna two steps backwards on her sphere grid.

That is a thing I did. It happened.

@zombiepie: Look, man...I spent some money on Adventure Capitalist on PS4. I can't say a dang thing.

@zombiepie: Ha! I have never heard of anyone accidentally dying in the opening moments of that game - so much so, that I once purposefully caused myself to die just to see what would happen. That death floor texture is unique to those first few fights (especially since the "boss" only uses Demi which will never kill you due to it being a percentage based attack) so you should leave happy that you got your money's worth from the HD Remaster.

Fun fact, the second "boss", Geosgaeno - the giant fish-eating monster with a massive cage-like stomach who chases Tidus into the ruins - also does percentage based attacks making a death to it impossible. So you can take solace knowing that until the third "boss", the most dangerous enemies are the Sin Scale creatures you died to. There should be an achievement for dying during the early game: I'd call it, "Didn't know how to use it" as reference to the line Auron says when giving you the first sword "I hope you know how to use it".

If you have Yuna in your party, you would be passed the first treasure that @dhutch was referring to. Inside the Cloister of Trials in Besaid there is a type of sphere called the Destruction Sphere (it's purple) which you can use to unlock a special chest, blowing up a wall and revealing the Besaid Symbol above the chest for a quick moment. In general, you want to get all of these chests from each Cloister, but this one especially is a huge pain to get later when you need the chest open (the item isn't as important as the Besaid Symbol having been revealed, so don't worry if you use/get rid of the items). To check if you have it in your inventory, the item is: a weapon for Yuna, 'Rod of Wisdom' with 3 slots (Magic + 3%, Magic + 5%, Sensor). If you didn't open the chest: Reload. If you don't have a previous save: Restart. (Though it might be funnier if you do neither...)

As bad as Necron is as a plot device and boss battle, his fight does have a bitchin' tune

I attempted to play this on my phone and it's pretty terrible. I'd say it's the equivalent of Final Fantasy Type-0 if Type-0 was a mobile game asking money from you to move on to the next mission. The best advice I can give is to unplug your computer, take out the hard drive, and kill it fire. PURGE THE DEMON!

I never know Mobius exist, but you mention Dark Magic...does it mean it has a Dark Knight character class? Knowing their history they always fuck up the DRK class.

I HAVE NO IDEA! There are tons of classes, and you only have access to three "free" classes. To "unlock" the remaining character classes you either: a) use "Summoning Tickets" gained from the main quest to draw a random class from the bank on unlockable classes; or b) exchange money for the in-game currency to purchase the tickets outright. Either way, there are TWO branches of magic which are entirely unusable unless you try your luck and unlock a class that can use dark magic.

Also, I started playing the Final Fantasy VII Remake level, and this happened:

Yo dawg, you and @thatpinguino tried to warn me the first temple puzzle would be this difficult thing to figure out. It wasn't, and I think I owe a debt of gratitude to my love of the Myst franchise for making adept in figuring out environmental orb puzzles. So consider dumb wizard/witch staff GOT on my part.

That wall is in Chapter Two! TWO! Not Chapter four or five, but CHAPTER TWO?! The game essentially says, "hey I hope you enjoyed the first ten percent of the game, but where's my money? No really, where's my money?"

At some point even monsters deserve happiness and companionship in their lives.

@zombiepie: I think that's when I stopped playing it on mobile. I thought it was nice and all, but it didn't hold my attention enough to want to pay for it. I mean, if it was one of those one time fee things for 15 bucks or what ever maybe. But knowing that it's got that lovely pay wall in more than one place as it goes along made me leave it be for now.

Ok fair enough- I'm trying to avoid spoilers!

I wasn't talking about the secret item in each Cloister, though those are good. These are actually a little later in. You're going to fight a giant amoeba, there will be a 'romantic' cutscene right after, and after that you neeeeed to go back to Besaid (the first town) to pick up a couple Overdrive related items. If you don't, a superboss will show up and block them.

There's another similar situation, but I'll PM you after some story reveals so I can be more specific. This one is actually the Sun Crest, like the Moon Crest you already got.