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    Final Fantasy VII

    Game » consists of 20 releases. Released Jan 31, 1997

    The seventh numbered entry in the Final Fantasy franchise brings the series into 3D with a landmark title that set new industry standards for cinematic storytelling. Mercenary Cloud Strife joins the rebel group AVALANCHE in their fight against the power-hungry Shinra Company, but their struggle soon becomes a race to save the entire Planet from an impending cataclysm.

    Fighting Final Fantasy VII - Parts 34-64: Chocobos and Insanity...Make It All Stop!

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    ZombiePie

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    Part 34: I Need a Tutor for My Homework

    Before we pick up from where I ended last episode, there are multiple elephants in the room and they are shitting all over the place. Let’s get around to the biggest and most pressing elephant: the Materia System. Now unquestionably I must cede that the Materia system is a much more straightforward mechanic than the junction system from Final Fantasy VIII. Unlike the junction and item refining systems from VIII I was able to wrap my brain around the basic premise behind linking and using Materia. Better yet, I was able to accomplish all of this without having someone Sherpa me through it. Nonetheless, Final Fantasy VII commits many of the same aberrations that Final Fantasy VIII made. The most notable of these missteps is how the game honestly stops giving a fuck in trying to explain how any of its mechanics work. I understand that there is a room where you basically have Cloud explain how the various mechanics work in Final Fantasy VII, but that room sucks shit. Firstly, Cloud doesn’t even explain all of the ins and outs of Final Fantasy VII in this room. Worse yet, the “tutorial room” is almost always hidden away in some obtuse level that you have to go out of your way to discover. That right there is what we call in America a “dick move,” Square. At least Final Fantasy VIII had Quistis talk to you for twenty minutes non-stop about a new combat mechanic that she wanted to discuss! Tangentially related to this issue is how there are no “tutorial bosses,” where players use a newly explained mechanic in order to guarantee an immediate victory. Instead, Final Fantasy VII espouses a very “trial by fire” attitude towards its audience, and I am without a doubt not entirely prepared for this.

    I only understand about three things on this screen right now.
    I only understand about three things on this screen right now.

    So for a bit let me level with you before talking about the story. Question #1: Do I really need to worry about making the most of the Materia system, or are there only a scant few occasions where linking and mastering Materia is critical to the game? Thus far you could say that I have been “punting in the dark” when it comes to Materia, and I’m sporting a barebones and simple party composition to boot. One character usually has all of the healing spells, and the other two characters split the offensive magic spells that I have. It is probably worth mentioning that I haven’t exactly been putting in a ton of care and attention into leveling up my Materia, or experimenting with different combinations of Materia for that matter.

    Speaking of Materia combinations here’s my next question! Question #2: Should I just wait until later before caring about this nonsense? Similarly why is it that some weapons and armor say “Double?” Does that mean that the character or equipped Materia is leveled at double the rate that they normally would? Speaking of leveling, do all equipped Materia gain AP, or do I have to use them in combat in order to add AP to them?

    Do any of these stats actually matter?
    Do any of these stats actually matter?

    With that in mind let’s move onto the next shit producing pachyderm: party optimization. I’m going to be honest with all of you right now; I REALLY don’t want to subject myself to a ton of grinding in this game. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that many of you have been showering yourselves in a delectable amount of schadenfreude whilst reading my misadventures in Final Fantasy VII. It does bear repeating that this hasn’t exactly been a picture perfect experience on my end. Seriously though, I have been squaring-off with a team usually comprising of Cloud, Tifa, and Yuffie. As a result, everyone else has begun to fall behind regarding their levels. Question #3: Is this going to screw me over? Is my penchant for ignoring Barret and Red XIII going to seriously curtail my progress during the later portion of the game? I’m still committed to using Aeris as little as possible because...if she dies, she dies. Shit, I don’t think that I have even bought her a new weapon since she first joined the party.

    I'm going to guess that it's fine not giving a shit about Aeris and Cait Sith
    I'm going to guess that it's fine not giving a shit about Aeris and Cait Sith

    You know what? Fuck it! If I am able to finish the game then none of this meta game bullshit really matters! BUT WAIT...there’s one more gameplay aspect to Final Fantasy VII where I feel compelled to call “BULLSHIT!

    Part 35: The Names For These Spells is Terrible

    This...is...the worst.
    This...is...the worst.

    I want you to look real close at that screenshot for a minute. Do this for me. I mean it. I want you to look real close at the spell that I have selected and tell me what it says. Here, I’ll even zoom in on the spell so everyone can provide me with an answer:

    It says “HEAL,” right?
    It says “HEAL,” right?

    Smashing, the spell is named “Heal,” though I bet that many of you are wondering what any of this is leading up to. Well needless to say I purchased five copies of the “Heal” Materia believing that they were all stronger versions of the “Restore” Materia. For those that don’t already know, the “Restore” Materia restores HP, and it’s a “big deal” in Final Fantasy VII. I mean the spell literally says “HEAL,” what could possibly go wrong? What went wrong is that the “Heal” Materia removes status ailments and does nothing to improve your HP status. Another chestnut that I ended up cracking was that the only way you can unlock better magic in Final Fantasy VII is to continue to level up your desired Materia in combat.

    As you might expect I was not happy at this revelation. Now I can only assume that there are a number of you who would respond that this is MY fault and not the game’s fault. To that I would reply with two middle fingers. The fucking spell is called “HEAL” YOU MOTHERFUCKER! Last time I checked it wasn’t called “GET RID OF ALL OF THESE BULLSHIT STATUS AILMENTS!” The game doesn’t even provide you with biographies of what the spells in the Materia shops actually do. Instead, you have to pray that your gut reaction to the name of the Materia was interpreted literally by the developers rather than figuratively. In this case the developers decided to be real dickheads on how to interpret the word “HEAL.”

    Seriously fuck buying spells in this game! It’s a goddamned game of roulette whenever you buy a spell! Oh hey you bought three copies of “Earth?” WELL GUESS WHAT YOU MOTHERFUCKER? THAT SPELL SUCKS SHIT AND YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT LIGHTNING OR FIRE INSTEAD!

    Part 36: Everything About The Nibelheim Incident is Amazing

    Let’s get back to brass tax and jump right into Final Fantasy VII’s story. At the end of our last meeting our cast of social rejects and furries had just haphazardly navigated their way out of Midgar. Then, for reasons unknown to the audience, everyone decides to go to the small township of Kalm. When Could finally arrives to the hotel in Kalm everyone begins chastising him for being late to the team meeting.

    Sorry that I missed
    Sorry that I missed "Happy Hour," you asshole.

    From this point forward the player is subjected to a fairly long flashback. Here Cloud recalls an infamous meeting that he once had with Sephiroth which ultimately culminated in Sephiroth’s mental break down and descent into madness. Now before I get embark on my usual asshole nitpicky rampage I just want to make one thing perfectly clear: I loved this scene. The first flashback to Nibelheim is a work of masterful storytelling. It perfectly conveys a younger and eager Cloud who is excited to impress his hero. Spehiroth is flawlessly depicted as being someone well above Cloud’s abilities and skill level. Then the actual incident happens and Sephiroth leaves the scene having clearly established himself as the game's ultimate villain! You understand Sephiroth’s motivations, albeit they are more fantastical than I would have liked, and what he is attempting to accomplish. Understanding where a Final Fantasy villain is coming from is a bit of a novel experience for me, so bear with me here.

    It also bears repeating how the tone of the story and music work perfectly during this sequence. When you first enter the town of Nibelheim it has a sense of mystery, and the music masterfully underscores this sense. When you enter Cloud’s home where he witnesses his now deceased mother his memories of the event are fragmented and jittery with odd and terrifying screams spliced in. The game firmly establishes a foreboding sense that things are not what they seem once you begin interacting with your surroundings. When Cloud decides to confront Sephiroth in the Shinra mansion, and the music swaps to something more ominous, you just know that something cataclysmic is about to occur. Then the reveal that Sephiroth has massacred the entire population of Nibelheim plays out and it’s an impeccable scene that rouses up your emotions. It’s as if the writers of Final Fantasy VII actually understood the standard conventions of telling a story...SO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WHEN THEY MADE VIII?!

    Well I'm playing a Final Fantasy game, but otherwise I'm fine.
    Well I'm playing a Final Fantasy game, but otherwise I'm fine.

    Now I actually want to go over all of the Nibelheim Incident in greater detail before moving from the scene entirely. That means that the next few parts will convey my aforementioned nitpicks pertaining to this scene. All of these nitpicks aside I hope that it is perfectly clear that I really enjoyed the scenery while the Nibelheim sequence played out. Furthermore, I plan on sharing a few of my theories as to what the game’s ulterior motive is regarding this sequence. For those of you that have already played the game please just humor me here.DO NOT confirm or deny any of my theories. I mean, why ruin the fun of me realizing how wrong I am later down the road?

    Part 37: Some Bullshit With Dragons

    WHERE THE DRAGONS AT IN FINAL FANTASY?!
    WHERE THE DRAGONS AT IN FINAL FANTASY?!

    The initial premise behind the introductory scene to the flashback is perfect. Cloud acts overly excited during the preliminary stage of a mission that he has with his personal hero. There’s that and his behavior is entirely appropriate for your average sixteen year old. WAIT WHAT? How can Cloud be sixteen and also call Sephiroth a “war buddy?” Was Sephiroth off fighting terrorist with a fourteen year old? Furthermore, how the Hell did Cloud rise up the ranks to become a SOLDIER by the age of sixteen? Something isn’t right here...and I don’t have a fucking clue what it is.

    Now at some point Cloud and Sepiroth fight a damn dragon. I understand and respect what the creators were aiming for regarding this battle. They wanted the player to plainly witness how far above Sephiroth is in terms of skills and abilities in comparison to Cloud. That’s entirely honorable, and a respectable reason for having this battle. What I am less excited about is how the battle with the dragon actually plays out. You see for some reason the dragon would repeatedly attack Cloud instead of Sephiroth, and did so eight or nine times in a row. This in turn extended the entire sequence by about six to seven minutes, and that was six to seven minutes of pure monotony.

    When you finally reach the entrance of Kalm one of my great fears for this game begins to show its face. Sephiroth converses with Cloud and reveals that his mother is “Jenova,” whom Sephiroth claims died during childbirth. In turn, I am expected to connect this quip with the horrible decapitated titty monster from earlier at the Shinra Headquarters.

    AWWW FUCK THIS! THIS STORY IS GOING TO GET STUPID, ISN'T IT?
    AWWW FUCK THIS! THIS STORY IS GOING TO GET STUPID, ISN'T IT?

    I say that this is evidence of one of my “great fears” for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I have enjoyed how straightforward and simple the storytelling to Final Fantasy VII has been thus far. However, all of the signs are suggesting that the “Jenova” monster from earlier will quickly become a larger theme of Final Fantasy VII, and I have a problem with that. You see Jenova is a very “alien” concept, and I mean that both figuratively and literally. Jenova as a concept is a science fiction construct, and thus far the world of Final Fantasy VII comes across as a more grounded in reality fantasy. The reason why I have a problem with this is on account of my last Final Fantasy game being completely incompetent at properly managing “genre blending.” That horrifying experience soiled me on the idea that a Final Fantasy game can ever effectively manage overt fantasy AND science-fiction thematic storytelling simultaneously.

    So lo and behold here I am trying to absorb this fairly interesting character moment, and here’s this stark reminder of what will potentially make or break the game’s story! It’s just there looming over the game ominously...waiting to pounce at any moment spoiling what good will I still have towards the game.

    Part 38: Cloud’s Gaslighting is Starting to Get Annoying

    Oh and OF COURSE I located Tifa’s underwear!
    Oh and OF COURSE I located Tifa’s underwear!

    Looking back on it I haven’t exactly done the best job in conveying what I am assume is Cloud’s “gaslighting” in Final Fantasy VII. Whenever Cloud is forced to confront a story important moment, especially when it comes to his past, one of two things happen:

    • Option #1: The scene begins with Cloud talking to what the player assumes to be a “voice in his head.”
    • Option #2: The scene plays out in a disjointed manner. Quick cuts interrupt the scene as it plays out, and you start to develop this ominous sense that things are not what they seem. The clearest example of this occurs when Cloud enters his mother’s house during the Nibelheim flashback.

    Now first things first, the gaslighting of Cloud in concept is fine. Cloud is a man of mystery and the game wants to develop a sense that there is more to him than what can be seen initially. Such mystery builds up a desire to learn more about the character as the story develops. What I object to is how heavy-handed Cloud’s gaslighting comes across. The number of times when Cloud experiences a neurosis happens too fast and frequently for example. Oftentimes Cloud’s “voice” feels the desire to talk to him after some of the most benign events in the game play out. Earlier at one point Cloud’s mental voice chastised him for entering Honeybee Inn. SHIT, I really hope that this voice hasn’t been observing Cloud as he matured through puberty, or developed his first crush! Additionally, I simply must put my foot down on how often these interruptions occur. At the Shinra HQ Cloud was subjected to an internal monologue twice with each scene taking up another five to six minutes of my precious time. Not only do these moments deprive Final Fantasy VII of brevity, but they also remove any sense of “surprise.” After the third or fourth chapter I had developed an uncanny ability to correctly predict when the next neurosis or internal monologue would occur. Had these moments occurred less frequently there would have been a greater sense of precedence associated with each individual monologue.

    Look man! Don't judge my life choices! You aren't exactly a
    Look man! Don't judge my life choices! You aren't exactly a "Saint" by any stretch of word either!

    Now my second issue is a bit more fundamental to the story. I have a major qualm with how the primary cast members fail to act on Cloud’s neuroses. FUCK, why limit that criticism to just the other party members when it can also be levied against Cloud? Cloud’s existential debates with the voice in his head usually results in the voice demanding that Cloud confront his present reality. This usually results in Cloud DOING JACK SHIT to confront his present circumstances, and this just ruins everything. Rarely, if ever, does Cloud actually take the time to actively question his surroundings as the internal voice requests. Sorry if I am wrong on this count, but my memory is a bit hazy on account of all of these Guardian Forces that I have equipped right now. The second issue that I have is the lack of care that any of the remaining cast convey whenever Cloud experiences a mental prolapse! Usually these moments convey Cloud in excruciating pain which results in him passing out. However, most of the time everyone else acts annoyed whenever witnessing this happening to Cloud. It’s even more insulting when a character such as Tifa is witnessed brushing off Cloud’s request to understand more about his past. That said, it is even more mind boggling when Cloud forgets to continue to pester Tifa about this story pertinent information ever again.

    Then there’s the quandary of whether or not any of this character building will result in anything worthwhile or tangible, but that remains to be seen. But I swear on my grave...I SWEAR! If I end up subjecting myself to TWO Final Fantasy games that have zero payoff to the gaslighting of their characters...I’LL START FLIPPING TABLES! AND NOT JUST ANY TABLES! I’LL GO ON A QUEST TO FLIP ALL OF THE TABLES! NO TABLES WILL BE SAFE WHEN I GO ON MY TABLE FLIPPING RAMPAGE!

    Part 39: Will the Real Final Fantasy VII Story Please Stand Up?

    Was there any doubt that she wouldn't?
    Was there any doubt that she wouldn't?

    Now that we are beyond my aimless rambling we can move onto the next couple of set pieces, and boy are they a “doozy.” The malfunctioning Mako reactor that Sephiroth and Cloud were initially sent to investigate can only be accessed via a perilous and byzantine pathway up Mt. Nibel. This results in the collection of Shinra soldiers being guided by Tifa, because OF COURSE Tifa is the guide! Hey Sephiroth! Why don’t you ask Cloud to tell you how to get to the Mako Reactor? It’s not like Cloud lived here for twelve or thirteen years of his life! Oh, Tifa’s father is nonplussed at the prospect of his daughter being the tour guide for a handful of Shinra soldiers? Okay jackass, why don’t you save your daughter from perilous risk and volunteer to be the guide yourself? What’s that? You can’t because the plot won't allow you to? Well I guess you are royally fucked! Moving on, as your motley crew makes their way to the summit of Mt. Nibel the bridge they are crossing breaks, because OF COURSE IT WOULD!

    SCIENCE!
    SCIENCE!

    See here we have a bridge that has been used for DECADES and it finally gave way during our mission of unfathomable importance. Oh Final Fantasy...when will you ever learn? The tumble from the top of the mountain is less of a life threatening scenario and more of a minor inconvenience, (except for the Shinra soldier that DIED), as the Mako Reactor can still be accessed. While the party navigates through a number of caverns they locate a source of natural Mako Energy, and it is at this point that the game finally decides to inform the player what Materia is and where it comes from.

    No shit? I thought that using Mako was actually making the environment better!
    No shit? I thought that using Mako was actually making the environment better!

    I get it, I completely understand what this scene is trying to accomplish, but why did we wait until NOW to have this exposition? At this point I have been tinkering around with Materia for a full seventeen hours! Then to make matters worse Sephiroth decides to chastise Cloud for referring to Materia as “magic.” Well you know what Final Fantasy VII? You can fuck right off! Materia is magic. There’s honestly no other way to describe it, but I digress. Yes, seeing Materia in its natural form is beautiful, and Shinra is depriving the world of such beauty, but we already knew that! Trying to frame Shinra as being “bad” for the environment is just redundant at this point.

    Part 40: Oh Boy...It’s Time For The Story to Get Stupid!

    When you finally make your way to the Mako Reactor Cloud and Sephiroth reach multiple startling conclusions. Firstly, they realize that the reactor is condensing Mako Energy and injecting that energy directly into the bodies of members of SOLDIER. Secondly, this process results in the aforementioned members of SOLDIER becoming horrible monsters. Why would Shinra do this despite already having complete control of the world? BECAUSE THEY ARE EVIL! But no really, why does Shinra need to create monster soldiers when they already have SOLDIER, the Turks, AND their own private military? Not only that, but why is Shinra continuing this super soldier project when all signs suggest that Hojo’s experiments aren’t working? PEARLS BEFORE SWINE SHINRA! PEARLS BEFORE SWINE!

    He's gritting his teeth because in his dreams he's stuck playing Final Fantasy games in perpetuity!
    He's gritting his teeth because in his dreams he's stuck playing Final Fantasy games in perpetuity!

    For reasons that are not entirely clear to the audience Sephiroth sees all of these science experiments gone wrong, as well as the name of his would be mother, “Jenova,” and assumes that he too is a monster. He ends up being correct, but why would a calm and collected war veteran leap to such a conclusion on the spot? We go from “I’m a cool bad-ass,” to “I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” in ten seconds. Secondly, why would discovering that he’s a tube baby cause Sephiroth to experience a mental breakdown? There’s no real reason given as to why discovering his origins effects Sephiroth so greatly, and instead he just “breaks” right in front of your eyes. Maybe if Sephiroth was depicted as being a classist “blue blood” who prided himself on his titles of nobility, then this scene would have made more sense. Unfortunately, no such character background is provided. Sephiroth just becomes evil for the sake of the story, and that’s just weak shit in an otherwise fine scene.

    No...sadly it's just a disappointing Metallica album.
    No...sadly it's just a disappointing Metallica album.

    Part 41: Everything is Awesome, But All of My Fears Are Confirmed!

    As I mentioned before the reveal of Sephiroth having massacred and destroyed the town of Nibelheim is a high point in the game. It also provides the game with its most iconic “money shot.”

    So why do so many cosplay as and fetishize this war criminal?
    So why do so many cosplay as and fetishize this war criminal?

    After viewing the destruction of his town Cloud rushes to confront Sepiroth only to witness Tifa grieving over the death of her father, and eventually being balded by Sephiroth. The fact that TIfa is currently alive right now, and shows no signs of scarring from the injury places Cloud’s recollection into question, thus adding more mystery to this entire scene. In fact, on account of Cloud being depicted as a bit of an unreliable narrator I am willing to concede that most of my complaints from earlier could be excusable in the grand scheme of things. In fact, in another attempt to further hit home that Cloud’s recollection of the “Nibelheim Incident” is suspect his story ends short of revealing how he survived his confrontation against Sephiroth. Normally I would declare this to be a “cheap shot,” but here it feels appropriate given the game’s penchant for establishing Cloud’s amnesiac status.

    Now as the title for this part may suggest things are not as rosy as I would like for them to be in the land of Final Fantasy VII. The game clearly establishes Jenova to be some sort of supernatural being from either another planet or era. This further skews Final Fantasy VII’s story towards a more cockamamy science-fiction direction, versus a more traditional fantasy adventure one. That and we all have to admit that Jenova just isn’t that interesting of a villain when all things are considered. Jenova is an evil malevolent monstrosity hell bent on absorbing the world of Final Fantasy VII for the sake of it. There’s nothing to really discover from Jenova’s motivations. At least with Sephiroth he has a scene that depicts his figurative “fall from grace.” You can’t exactly do that with an evil malevolent monster from another dimension.

    I'VE GONE CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!
    I'VE GONE CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS!

    Then there’s just the “wackiness” factor of the whole ordeal. Sephiroth honestly rips Jenova from “her” sarcophagus while automatically assuming that doing so would not result in irreparable harm to her. I can’t shake the feeling that all of this is just going to result in the game doubling down on its craziness all for the worse. Then, for what I can only assume to be for the purposes of the story, Jenova goes along with Sephiroth’s wacky adventures to explore the world in an attempt to find the “Promised Land.” This is despite the fact that the game later depicts Jenova as being an all consuming force that wishes to absorb all life on the planet. However, for some reason Jenova just stops doing that when Sephiroth starts carrying around her body parts. It is as if Jenova forgot how to complete her original directive, because she doesn’t take advantage of Sephiroth and absorb his body and abilities.

    However, I digress as the pure spectacle of the scene is something to marvel over. It’s an emotionally gripping scene that depicts human-like emotions despite its technical limitations. When Cloud finally confronts Sephiroth there’s a real and genuine weight to his words, and you feel for him. Now I wonder how the game manages to honor such an emotionally taut and riveting scene? It is almost as if the game has a real good opportunity to delve deeper into the pathos and logos of Cloud….

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPE!

    Part 42: Cognitive Dissonance Strikes Again! We’re Off to Hunt Chocobos!

    Are you goddamn kidding me? Fucking Chocobos? We honestly just watched Sephiroth murder and burn down an entire village, and someone thought that Chocobos would be the best way to follow up on that? A good number of you defended Final Fantasy VII when I criticized the game for having some of the most awkward and disjointed juxtapositions I have ever seen. To an extent I understand the perspective that says that levity adds “character” to any given story, and also makes it more palatable to audience members. That said, you have to have a better transition than this! I mean look at this! Cloud is literally watching Chocobos shake their asses to him!

    HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL IN BUSINESS?
    HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL IN BUSINESS?

    This is like driving a car and going from zero to 120 miles per hour in half a second. It’s jarring, and most likely would cause long term brain damage! Let’s delve into a bit of story “theory” for a bit. Say that you really think that it is necessary to transition the story to a more light-hearted moment, and to be honest I think that’s entirely appropriate at this exact moment. Normally, you would introduce a new significant setting and then subject the player to a few story based quests. Eventually the environment would then open up and allow you to explore it for the sake of your own enjoyment. From that point forward you engage in the funnier and joyous moments if you wanted to. I like to call this the “BioWare Technique,” because they have been pulling off this exact technique for over twenty years!

    There’s ultimately one main reason as to why I am grousing so much about the Chocobo Farm. Let’s be honest here...capturing Chocobos sucks ass. After talking to the young boy at the farm you discover that you can capture a Chocobo by defeating the monster(s) surrounding it during a random encounter. That last sentence may sound easy, but in practice it’s one of the most rage inducing parts of the entire game. On three occasions I managed to waste my greens on random enemies because the Chocobo decided to run away on the very first turn. This meant that I had to go back to the Chocobo farm and spend more of my Gil on bullshit greens, and hope that this time it wouldn’t happen again.

    This shit...it just never stops.
    This shit...it just never stops.

    Oh and guess what? When you try to buy the greens from the boy at the farm you have no idea which does what. So if you are like me you end up buying one of each only to discover that some of the greens are completely useless. And what was the purpose of all of this? Why because we needed to be able to quickly traverse a over swamp so is that a giant snake dragon wouldn’t be able to attack us. Hey game designers! How about throwing me a bone and just letting me progress the story? Oh and while you are at it would it have killed you to place the Chocobo Farm closer to where you actually race the fucking Chocobos? BECAUSE JESUS! Oh and whatever you do, don’t accidentally equip the Choco-Mog Summon and think that you have equipped the Choco-Lure Materia. That is unless you want to crush your soul as I did!

    At least it is an awesome summon.
    At least it is an awesome summon.

    Part 43: The Most Pointless Scene With The Turks Yet

    When you finally cross the swamp Cloud and company witness the eviscerated corpse of one of the snake dragons you manage to avoid fighting thanks to your recently acquired Chocobo. Despite Cloud having just told a story where Sephiroth single-handedly defeated a dragon, everyone acts surprised at this awesome display of strength, Cloud included.

    No dude, it just ended up there by accident!
    No dude, it just ended up there by accident!

    This all permits the party to access a cave system that inevitably allows them to witness a brief cutscene with The Turks. Here the player is once again subjected to a review of what the purpose of The Turks is: they kidnap and kill people at the whim of Shinra. One of their newer and duller minded members, Elena, then has the audacity to claim that The Turks intend to “try and stop you every step of the way.” No really...she does say that with a straight face:

    Really now?
    Really now?

    Fine, I get that The Turks are currently flummoxed in their attempts to locate and capture Sephiroth, but I have two issues with this scene. On one hand why are the Turks wasting their time gloating at Cloud? Shouldn’t they be busy doing their actual job of actually locating Sephiroth? Or how about splitting up their team up so is that they can investigate every reported sighting of Sephiroth? The next elephant in the room is related to the fact that the Turks do JACK SHIT to Cloud and his party during and after this scene! Not only do they literally have the high ground, but if their secondary goal is to “stop you every step of the way,” they sure do have a funny way of interpreting that. Instead of actively interrupting Cloud’s adventures all throughout the story; it is usually Cloud who locates the Turks and initiates a battle with them. But hey, at least Elena conveniently reveals where we are going to next!

    Fuck all video games forever!
    Fuck all video games forever!

    Part 44: I Got Yuffie, And It Was Still a Pain in the Ass!

    Yeah Yuffie...you can take on three people at once!
    Yeah Yuffie...you can take on three people at once!

    For those of you that watched my live-stream from a while back you may recall that I fruitlessly endeavored to locate Yuffie. Those of you who saw that may also recall that I spent around a half an hour trying to find her, but to no avail. Now luckily for me I did not have to sink in a similar amount of time in order to encounter her. Doubly so, I was able to finally add Yuffie to my party in an expeditious fashion. That said, the parameters for adding Yuffie to your party ARE ROYALLY FUCKED!

    Now I could write an essay on why having secret characters hidden in the random battle system is BULLSHIT! Said essay would most likely set the internet ablaze and frame me as the greatest Final Fantasy aficionado of all time, but I’m going to refrain from doing so right this moment. All I will say is that this time around it took me a SOLID ten minutes before Yuffie showed up at the forest near Junon. Admittedly, when you finally do encounter Yuffie you are then subjected to a standard battle with no real strategy required out of the player. However, the steps required to finally add Yuffie to the party afterwards are downright PAINFUL!

    Without any preconceptions or impressions of what Yuffie’s identity or psyche is we have to select the dialogue prompts that correctly match with her personality! One mistake, AND YOU FAIL TO ADD HER TO YOUR PARTY AND IT’S BACK TO THE GRIND!

    Oh and if you attempt to use the Save Point...THAT RESULTS IN HER RUNNING AWAY!
    Oh and if you attempt to use the Save Point...THAT RESULTS IN HER RUNNING AWAY!

    Now luckily the designers of the Yuffie encounter aren’t COMPLETE ASSHOLES, as you can attempt to locate Yuffie as many times as you need. Unfortunately, this means that you have to go back to the forest and hope that the random number generator has mercy on your ass! Boy howdy isn’t that just peachy! It was at this point that I loudly exclaimed directly into my computer screen “FUCK THAT! THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT! I’M USING A GUIDE NOW!

    So then I got Yuffie. She’s seems awesome.

    Part 45: Sea Monsters and Pointless Minigames

    What am I even fighting anymore?
    What am I even fighting anymore?

    Oh boy, it’s another town that allows Final Fantasy VII to grouse about the environmental implications of Shinra’s activities. Well whatever, there was a girl playing with a dolphin, and then a horrible sea monster attacked the girl. That sure went places. Is the horrible sea monster a result of one of Shinra’s experiments? Was the monster originally a normal sea critter that mutated into an abomination as a result of being exposed to Shinra’s pollution? We will never know because the game never addresses any of those questions. Instead, the game recognizes that it has been a good long time since the player had a boss fight, and decided to add one here. With the horrible seahorse of doom dead someone at Square Enix decided to put in a CPR minigame despite the narrative anachronisms in doing so.

    Why am I doing any of this? Is this what my life has come to?
    Why am I doing any of this? Is this what my life has come to?

    This may well be the most pointless moment in Final Fantasy VII yet. Not only do I have to rescue a young girl that will only factor into the story ONCE, but it goes on way longer than it has any right to. The player ends up completing at least a dozen inputs before the story is allowed to progress again. Why? Who thought that was a good idea? Shinra is off ruining the environment, and Sephiroth is busy burning down towns! So why am I being subjected to this nonsense?!

    Part 46: If I Burn The Bodies Will The Voices in My Head Stop?

    Remember my earlier criticism about Cloud not acting upon the voice in his head? Well this is the exact scene that I was referring to when issuing that criticism. After resting at the old lady’s house Cloud’s voice catches him in a paradox and implores him to address said paradox to Tifa.

    Well I guess you surprise easy Cloud!
    Well I guess you surprise easy Cloud!

    Then, when Cloud confronts Tifa she exclaims that she “doesn’t remember,” because it was five years ago. That’s not my problem with this scene, as the event that Cloud is wishing to dredge up involved the supposed death of Tifa’s father. Tifa in turn has a legitimate reason, at least this is my impression thus far, in avoiding the matter entirely. Instead, my problem stems from the fact that Cloud NEVER brings this issue up ever again! Cloud just completely forgets the paradox and moves on as if there’s nothing worth addressing ever again.

    So why don't you just let Cloud read your journal?
    So why don't you just let Cloud read your journal?

    I’m sorry but that right there is some fucking WEAK SAUCE. I mean honestly, if nothing is going to come out of the scene then why put it there in the first place? Cloud has already been established as having a hazy recollection of his past, so wouldn’t that motivate him to more actively seek out the truth? Why does Cloud continually fail to act upon his mental voice? Wouldn’t being confronted with a paradox immediately dredge up a myriad of fragmented memories of the Nibelheim Incident? Has Cloud been secretly hemorrhaging brain cells while I wasn’t looking?

    Part 47: Espionage and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Marching Minigame

    This fucking shit...it never fucking ends.
    This fucking shit...it never fucking ends.

    With Final Fantasy VII having effectively blue balled Cloud’s story progression it is time for the game to subject me to a myriad of terrible minigames. What is this, Mario Party? Before we can even get to that the party gathers together and recognizes that something is amidst at Junon Harbor. The young girl from earlier informs us that Shinra President Rufus is hosting a parade to mark his recent ascension to the top position at Shinra. So how do we manage to ascend to where Rufus is? Why by having a dolphin propel Cloud into the air!

    I’m honestly not joking about that last sentence
    I’m honestly not joking about that last sentence

    Okay...this is actually happening, and I have no idea how to decompress this. You press a button and then a dolphin flings Cloud into the air. Not only that, but you have to avoid hitting the electric fence otherwise you’ll knock-out Cloud. I did this twice out of spite. Oh, and the best part of this scene is when everyone else recognizes how stupid this is and has Cloud go first as the supposed “guinea pig.”

    However, this is all chump change in comparison to what you are about to be subjected to in the next scene. As Cloud navigates his way through the harbor the Shinra soldiers just automatically assume that Cloud is an off-duty officer out of uniform. Can someone please explain how Shinra managed to take over the world with THIS ARMY? I mean for pity's sake, would it have hurt the developers to include a scene where Cloud steals a uniform by knocking out an officer? I digress as the looming specter that haunts my dreams every waking night is just around the corner.

    Oh God...please make the horror stop! Please stop the pain!
    Oh God...please make the horror stop! Please stop the pain!

    The commanding officer who notices Cloud first orders him to get into uniform. Then, he informs Cloud that he will be participating in a march honoring President Rufus. You have no idea how difficult it was to type that last sentence whilst my temples pulsated and spine shivered as a result of me recalling this scene. In fact, I have YET to encounter a single person who has played this game and will defend the marching minigame. It’s almost as if this minigame is some sort of hazing ritual for anyone playing Final Fantasy VII for the first time. It’s a miserable and dower affair that everyone just stomachs through and then pretends never existed in the first place.

    I’m delving into the histrionics strategically for a number of reasons. The main one is that I still don’t understand how to do sufficiently complete this minigame. The initial tutorial just implores the player to “march smoothly” and doesn’t display any button prompts. Though admittedly, given the nature of the default keyboard controls displaying the controls most likely wouldn’t have helped my situation at all. Oh, and the final dick move from the developer occurs when you finally reach the parade. As the commanding officer goes over his instructions once more your score begins to progressively decline. The game actually punishes you for listening to the final tutorial all the way through!

    WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING!
    WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING!

    When I completed the marching minigame and received six potions I happily accepted this reward and move on with my life.

    Part 48: Rufus is Evil and My Fight Against Bad Minigames Continues

    Now I had thought that I was done with the shitty minigames for this chapter, but it appears that I was wrong. After you are subjected to another “Rufus and Heidegger are evil” character moment it’s eventually revealed that Cloud is going to be participating in a drill team in an effort to impress Rufus.

    Oh God, why me?
    Oh God, why me?

    This minigame is “#doable” if you fancy a good amount of Simon Says, because that’s essentially what this minigame boils down to. The major difference between this minigame is that now you have to input the [Okay], [Cancel], [Menu], and [Switch] keys, within a given time window. Now for those of you that may have forgotten from earlier this is what the keyboard controls are for the Steam version of Final Fantasy VII:

    The horror! The horror!
    The horror! The horror!

    This means that [Okay] maps to the [X]-key, [Cancel] to the [C]-key, [Menu] to the [V]-key, and finally [Switch] maps to the [Insert]-key. I swear that [Insert]-key is going to be the death of me. Many of you are probably practicing your hand arrangements as I speak, and most likely have your left hand over the [X], [C], and [V] keys, and right hand hovering over the [Insert]-key. Well guess what? You also have to use the arrow keys in order to rotate Cloud when prompted to! Now I actually endeavored to get the best item from this minigame, and I’ll tell you why: you get an awesome sword if you manage to squeak out more than 100 points once the scene is done. After around six or seven tries I FINALLY managed to acquire the “Force Stealer!”

    FUCK YOU HEIDEGGER! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAT ASS MOUTH!
    FUCK YOU HEIDEGGER! FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAT ASS MOUTH!

    Oh and there’s a bunch of weird shit at the actual Junon Harbor. Ultimately it’s just weird fan service where you can see The Turks just hanging out at a bar, and members of Shinra just dicking around. Then for some reason someone at Square thought that it would be an excellent idea to relocate the tutorial room in an incredibly obscure place in Junon Harbor. Now you may be wondering if I spent a bit of time reviewing the information in this room given my general incompetence in comprehending the basic mechanics of the game. Of course my answer is a giant “FUCK NO!” This tutorial was terrible before, and it is still terrible now!

    With all of the faffing about thoroughly complete Red XIII reveals himself and immediately implores Cloud to board the Shinra cargo ship. It appears that while Cloud was marching in the parade everyone else managed to hitch a lift on the dolphin from earlier. Which honestly is a shame because I would have LOVED to have seen Barret on top of that dolphin. Whelp, I guess it’s off to our next set piece.

    Part 49: ALL ABOARD THE U.S.S. GO FUCK YOURSELF!

    At least this cargo ship still has a lower chance of giving you the norovirus than a Royal Caribbean cruise.
    At least this cargo ship still has a lower chance of giving you the norovirus than a Royal Caribbean cruise.

    So now we are on this cargo ship that all of the party managed to conveniently sneak into, and Rufus just happens to be here as well. The level of “plot by convenience” here is so strong that it hurts just thinking about it. Despite the game spending a great deal of time conveying Shinra as this monolithic and all powerful force it sure does appear to be run by a bunch of bumbling buffoons. I mean how in the literal fuck did all six members of our party manage to get into the cargo ship carrying the two most important members of Shinra? HOW?! GO FUCK YOURSELF GAME!

    Ten hours ago AVALANCHE was getting obliterated by Shinra, and NOW they can’t even identify Barret on the spot? The man honest to goodness blew up a Mako Reactor, and also sports a gun for an arm! How is no one associated with Shinra identifying him immediately? Then when shit hits the fan on the cargo ship it appears that no one ever had their weapons confiscated! None of those weapons even closely resemble the armaments of the Shinra military! AND THEN THERE’S RED XIII! HE’S DRESSED UP AS A SHINRA SOLDIER AND IT’S JUST TOO MUCH FOR MY BRAIN TO HANDLE!

    What is even GOING ON IN THIS VIDEO GAME!
    What is even GOING ON IN THIS VIDEO GAME!

    Is this fan service, because I sure do think so! We have all of these characters acting wacky and weird in ways that are clearly meant to entertain the audience...yeah that’s fan-service. Did I mention that the very next scene on the Cargo Ship involves Sephiroth massacring dozens of Shinra officers and soldiers? We went from weird and wacky to murder in record time! Oh and by the way...SEPHIROTH MANAGED TO GET ON THIS BOAT! WHO THE FUCK WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SECURITY ON THIS BOAT?!

    Part 50: Does the Game Want Me to Think That Cloud is Stupid?

    Eventually Cloud confronts Sephiroth, or what I am going to assume is an apparition of Sephiroth as he manages to levitate out from the ground. Here Cloud expresses a sense of shock and horror that seems entirely unwarranted.

    No Cloud, it was Santa Claus!
    No Cloud, it was Santa Claus!

    Seriously Cloud? Don’t you remember the former President of Shinra having Sephiroth’s sword stabbed through him? Why are you still surprised that Sephiroth is actually alive and kicking? So we end up fighting another horrible Eldritch abomination, and it’s an especially horrifying sight to see. Do I need to remind you that just two minutes ago I was laughing my ass off at the site of Red XIII dressed up like a human? Who was responsible for the pacing in this game? It is absolutely bonkers!

    Uhhh...what part of you is your
    Uhhh...what part of you is your "tail?"

    With the monster finally dead Cloud reviews the current predicament that the party is in. Sephiroth remains committed towards finding the long fabled “Promised Land” in order to empower his mother, Jenova. I guess Sephiroth “loves” his mother despite the fact that he’s chopping off parts of his mother’s body in order to sprout these monstrosities. As they say, love comes in many shapes and sizes, and in Sephiroth’s case involves evisceration. Whatever, I guess we are off to enjoy ourselves at the beach resort of Costa del Sol!

    Part 51: I Hope You Enjoy Your Video Games With Plenty of Filler!

    WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!
    WAIT WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

    Remarkably here we are, soaking up the sun, and relaxing on the beach as Shinra continues to usher the planet on a crash course towards disaster, and Sephiroth is off doing what Sephiroths do. My guess is that the rapscallion is off playing around with a box of matches given his penchant for setting things ablaze. As you might expect the story once again just stops. It genuinely just dies.

    Rufus leaves after commandeering a helicopter, and Sephiroth just disappears which lends credence to my personal theory that what we encountered earlier was an apparition. Though it is questionable how an apparition would be able to slaughter all of the Shinra soldiers that we saw from earlier. In any manner, everyone is just chilling until you encounter Professor Hojo hanging out with a handful of bikini clad women.

    Please tell me that it is “MURDERING TIME!”
    Please tell me that it is “MURDERING TIME!”

    Now then let’s get something straight real quick: THIS SCENE DOESN’T WORK! Professor Hojo is a goddamn WAR CRIMINAL! He was responsible for creating a number of horrible monstrosities, and even tried to impregnate Aeris with Red XIII. There is absolutely no reason why Cloud or Red XIII shouldn’t be fucking up Hojo right here and now. In fact, given Hojo’s penchant for feeding his ego I can only assume that he will factor into the story down the road. Seriously, why isn’t anyone straight up murdering Hojo right now? Instead of doing that Cloud and company just let him go...thus allowing him to return to Shinra at any time...to continue his horrible scientific research...which will most likely result in the pointless deaths of hundreds of people.

    Oh boy! I sure hope that this doesn’t backfire horribly….
    Oh boy! I sure hope that this doesn’t backfire horribly….

    All we really gain from this scene with Hojo at Costa del Sol is understanding where our intrepid explorers should ferret themselves to next.

    Part 52: Oh Great! More Abandoned Train Tracks!

    What exactly Final Fantasy means by “head west” is up to the player to parse out. Luckily for me I have long since set aside my aspirations of honor and nobility and looked up where I needed to go on a guide. Once you reach the base of a mountain you encounter an elderly man who purports having seen a man that fits Sephiroth’s profile, and I simply must cry “FOUL.” Now look here game, you have spent hours depicting Sephiroth as being this homicidal maniac and somehow I am meant to believe that he would leave this aimless elderly man alone? What happened to the Sephiroth that murdered all of the denizens of Nibelheim? Will the real Sephiroth please stand up!

    No really...why aren't we blowing this shit up?
    No really...why aren't we blowing this shit up?

    Eventually you encounter a Shinra Mako Reactor at the summit of the mountain and for reasons that I can only speculate the party decides to leave this reactor alone. Apparently our quest to relocate Sephiroth has completely erased all memories that these reactors are slowly killing the planet. Worse yet, this Mako Reactor is depicted as operating in complete isolation meaning that Barret’s “LET’S JUST BLOW IT UP,” attitude is entirely warranted in this scenario. For the love of God, why aren’t we destroying this reactor? Why isn’t the party attempting to poke Shinra in the eye whilst also continuing their Sephiroth relocation efforts?

    The party then navigates through a series of labyrinthine train tracks which on a number of occasions gives way, thus dropping Cloud down below. The conceit here is that players have the opportunity to nab a number of items whilst they fall perilously to their assumed doomed. Luckily Cloud is able to grab ahold of something to save the story from a premature end. The one nitpick that I have regarding this scene is how you have no real clear idea where the items are on the train tracks until AFTER you fall down. When your main party locates a drawbridge they notice the unselected party members waltzing around in the background. WAIT WHAT?!

    No seriously...where did all of you come from?
    No seriously...where did all of you come from?

    How the fuck did they manage to get there? No really, when did they decide to finally begin following me to the next set piece? WHATEVER! You raise the drawbridge and that essentially unlocks the next location, North Corel. Oh, but before we go to North Corel let’s steal ten Phoenix Downs from a gaggle of Chocobos! Oh and let’s also murder what I can only assume is their mother after stealing their shit!

    HOORAY FOR ANIMAL ABUSE!
    HOORAY FOR ANIMAL ABUSE!

    It’s worth mentioning that there’s a specific screen during this sequence that features one of the most hilarious glitches I have ever seen. Right before you begin walking on the train tracks there’s a pathway you need to walk on. Unfortunately the PC version of Final Fantasy VII really does not like this screen and prefers to display Cloud upside down and ENORMOUS! Here’s a few screencaps of what I am talking about:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Apparently this is a known issue with the Steam version and it is absolutely HILARIOUS!

    Part 53: Setting Up Barret For His “Character Moment” In The Worst Way Possible

    Now North Corel ends up serving a great purpose. The decrepit township is revealed to be the former hometown of Barret. As a matter of fact, when you first enter the shambles of the town you witness a couple of the town’s residents beating up Barret. Ultimately Barret is forced to confess that he bears some responsibility for the town’s present condition. Long ago he and a majority of the town’s population supported allowing Shinra to build a Mako Reactor nearby the town...WAIT WHAT?!

    So wait...there are other energy sources in Final Fantasy VII?
    So wait...there are other energy sources in Final Fantasy VII?

    Uh, I’m sorry but this scene completely contradicts Barret’s previous assertions that he is the primary reason for North Corel’s depressed status. Firstly, why isn’t the population turning their anger towards Shinra? It’s almost as if the forces of Shinra are the ones that committed the act of genocide that irreparably ruined the town forever. It’s not like there is a GIANT MAKO REACTOR right next to North Corel they could destroy in an act of revenge against the company. Summarily, Barret is depicted as being alongside a majority of the village population in support of inviting Shinra to build their reactor. Why aren’t any of them getting beat up right now? Oh wait that’s right...they are all dead.

    I understand that the game wishes to provide Barret with a redemptive character arc, but it almost completely botches this character arc right from the bat. It would have done the game many favors if Barret was depicted as being the strongest, or HELL, ONLY advocate for the construction of the reactor. In fact, doesn’t this scene contradict Barret moving to Midgar? Wouldn’t his character have functioned better if he was working tirelessly to organize the citizens of the North Corel to fight against the oppressive regime of Shinra? Why did Barret just assume that his lifelong friend, Dyne, died amidst the carnage despite never having located his remains?

    Well isn't that just dandy!
    Well isn't that just dandy!

    However, as with any character moment in Final Fantasy VII you really just have to push such logic to the wayside, and enjoy the pure spectacle of everything. It also helps that the ultimate payoff for this character arc results in one of the game’s strongest and most emotionally gripping moments thus far. The game finally manages to surface the motivations behind one of their own characters, and it does a magnificent job in justifying them being in this quest against Shinra and Sephiroth. Not only is Barret working alongside Cloud for a reason, but you know exactly why that’s the case. Even better, Barret owns up to his motivations, and makes them a part of his character. Now undoubtedly it is far from the clean and seamless storytelling that I would like to see, but it is functional character storytelling nonetheless.

    Okay Final Fantasy VII, I admit defeat! You have me hook line and sinker! You took a character that originally I was personally opposed to, and made me care about them! This monumental accomplishment is worthy of heaps of praise on your part and the people that made this possible. However, I dare ask...how will you follow up this momentum?

    Oh go fuck yourself game!
    Oh go fuck yourself game!

    Part 54: HOORAY! It’s Time For The Most Pointless Set Piece in All of Final Fantasy VII!

    Okay...so this is fucked. There’s really no other way to put it. After having watched Barret pour his heart out in regards to why he’s so committed to destroying Shinra...we decide to have fun at an amusement park/casino. That’s...just shit. I mean seriously? We honestly just recalled the massacre of Barret’s hometown, and THIS IS WHAT WE FOLLOW THAT UP WITH?! Need I remind you that Sephiroth and Shinra will bring forth the end of the world if we don’t act soon!

    Oh you've fucking got that right!
    Oh you've fucking got that right!

    UGH! Okay...let’s go over the latest batch of narrative cognitive dissonance in Final Fantasy VII:

    • Everyone you knew and loved in Nibelheim is dead because of Sephiroth...AND NOW YOU NEED TO CATCH A CHOCOBO!
    • You fight a Jenova Eldritch demon...and in the next scene you find Doctor Hojo hanging out with bikini girls. Worse yet, you just let him have fun with the bikini girls...instead of BLOWING HIS BRAINS OUT FOR BEING A WAR CRIMINAL!
    • NOW WE HAVE THIS! The world is coming to an end and you spend DAYS in the goddamn Golden Saucer!

    I mean...fucking come on game writers! Have there be a better reason to first enter the Golden Saucer than “HEY LET’S JUST HAVE FUN, AND FUCK STOPPING THE APOCALYPSE!” Certainly I have to concede that I am throwing a hissy fit about video game storytelling from Japan in the late nineties. To that extent it's a miracle that honestly anything in this game makes sense. Likewise, it is worth noting that this exact juxtaposition problem still exists in video game storytelling to this day. But SHIT, this still stings!

    The art design is an even bigger clash with what we previously saw at North Corel. North Corel was a desolate wasteland smeared with heavy tones of brown and grey. It was a depressed look that fit the location. Then we immediately transition to the Golden Saucer where players are subjected to neon pinks and yellows. This spasmodic palette shift is dizzying to say the least. It almost gives credence to Barret shirking away Aeris’s calls for him to have fun at the Golden Saucer. Speaking of which:

    RIGHT! What are we doing here?!
    RIGHT! What are we doing here?!

    I’m intended to side with Aeris in this scenario, but I just can’t...I just can’t even. Tifa’s and Aeris’s attempts to goad Barret into relaxing and having a fun time do the opposite of making me see and understand their perspective. In fact, Aeris’s naivety and lack of compassion in this circumstance is simply untenable. Worse yet, Barret has the “high ground” regarding Sephiroth. The world is in danger, and everyone decides that now is the time to have fun at some money sink of a casino?

    Now I guess it would be worthwhile mentioning what I actually did in the Golden Saucer. If you want a plain and simple answer, I lost a ton of gil. In fact, I went from about 7,000 gil to under 1,000 once I had finally decide to stop dicking around in the Golden Saucer. How is that possible you may ask? I wasted around 6,000 gil on ill-fated gambling on the Chocobo races. Now I had assumed that betting on the races was the same as "racing" the chocobos. So I continued betting on the same Chocobos thinking I was leveling them up that way.

    I was wrong...I was so wrong.
    I was wrong...I was so wrong.

    Then I tried playing the basketball game in the arcade in order to acquire GP that would allow me to use the save point...I failed again. Broke, penniless, and pissed off I finally decided to progress the story only to unleash a different type of Sisyphean torment on my soul.

    Part 55: I Hate Cait Sith With a Fiery Passion

    Oh no...oh God no! Please tell me it isn’t so! Someone tell me that I haven’t “unlock” Final Fantasy VII’s “comic relief” character! I...oh no no no no no.

    FUCK THIS!
    FUCK THIS!

    It’s all coming back to me...all those repressed memories of Final Fantasy VIII and having to deal with Zell’s love for hotdogs and Selphie bullshit train fetish. I can’t...I honestly just can’t even everyone…I just can’t. I can’t do this anymore. OH AND HE SUCKS SHIT IN COMBAT! IT IS ALMOST AS IF THE DEVELOPERS WANT TO GIVE YOU A DOUBLE “FUCK YOU” WHEN INCLUDING HIM IN THE GAME! I’m all ears if that last statement is actually false! Thus far Cait Sith comes across as being absolutely pointless to have in your party during combat scenarios. As a result, I have some serious doubts that this is going to happen, but like I said, I’ll try to keep an open mind regarding the issue.

    Part 56: Everyone Is Dead, And I Blame Cait Sith For Making This Situation Worse

    First off, you have the option of encountering the owner of the Golden Saucer, Dio, before going to the Battle Square. If you elect to do this you discover that good old Dio encountered a caped man asking about “Black Materia” that fits Sephiroth's profile:

    And that didn't seem suspicious to you in any way, shape, or form?
    And that didn't seem suspicious to you in any way, shape, or form?

    Look, this is becoming increasingly annoying. Sephiroth was continually established to be this war veteran from Shinra that is widely credited for ending the previous war that afflicted the world of Final Fantasy VII. In fact, if you recall from one of the earlier moments in the game, Cloud revealed that he wanted to join SOLDIER at an incredibly young age in an attempt to live up to his hero...which happened to be Sephiroth. Now here’s my issue, how do none of these people know who Sephiroth is? I’m not just talking about Dio! I’m talking about the old man from the bottom of the mountain, the villagers from old Junon, and every Shinra soldier that describes Sephiroth as being a caped crusader. How did all of these people forget what Shinra’s original “golden boy” looked like! Has everyone in this game been gaslighted?! Did everyone forget to unequipped their Guardian Forces?!

    Eventually you take the time to make your way to the Battle Square. Once you reach the location your party quickly discovers that the entire area has been massacred. JESUS CHRIST HOW MANY MASSACRES ARE THERE IN THIS GAME! Now rather than immediately contact the authorities and medical staff of the Golden Saucer; our wayward characters decide to investigate the scene even more. While the original assumption was Sephiroth, the fact that everyone appears to be shot to shit suggests that the perpetrator is instead Barret. It is at this point that Dio enters the Battle Square and immediately becomes suspicious of Cloud and company.

    That's an entirely reasonable question that warrants a reasonable response.
    That's an entirely reasonable question that warrants a reasonable response.

    This is a bit of a predicament, but nothing entirely unmanageable. Hey Cloud! How about you calmly and clearly explain the current situation to Dio? If I recall correctly Dio did goad you into entering the Battle Square. Just tell him that you went to the Battle Square seeking a test of your might. There’s no reason to panic and le....

    YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS!
    YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS!

    Are you kidding me? You decided to listen to Cait Sith and run away from the scene of the crime? Why would you do that? You don’t even know how to exit of the Battle Square, let alone how to exit the Golden Saucer entirely! This honest to goodness did not need to happen if we had all behaved like rational adults! Why is any of this happening?!

    Part 57: OH GEE LOOK! WE ARE IN PRISON AGAIN!

    Awesome, we are in prison again! Boy I sure do hope that there is some sort of story convenient way that I can exit this prison with relative ease. Oh and real quick. Why does the amusement park have its own prison system? Honestly why would Shinra allow for the Golden Saucer to operate on its own set of laws that may contradict their own? Wouldn’t allowing for the Golden Saucer to grow in wealth and influence directly contradict Shinra’s desire to own practically everything in the world of Final Fantasy VII?

    Oh you shut the fuck up! This is all your fault!
    Oh you shut the fuck up! This is all your fault!

    Whatever, we are in prison again and it's all Cait Sith’s dumbass fault for telling everyone to “run!” Goodness...it’s almost as if Cait Sith doesn’t actually have the best interest of the party in mind. I wonder if that will factor into the story somehow in future. Especially where it is even suggested that there’s a traitor in the party. Hey, you never know! It could be that this is pure speculation on my part.

    It turns out the the prison is less of a prison and more of a camp located in the middle of a desert. Okay...so how is it that no one has died of malnutrition or dehydration here? Judging from the background and foreground it doesn’t exactly look as if the Corel Prison was originally designed to be a prison. There are plenty of car parts and dilapidated building structures. Oh and for some reason practically every part of the Corel Prison permits random encounters to afflict your party! After conversing with some of the denizens of this prison you quickly discover that there is only one way to exit it: winning a Chocobo race. Lord have mercy on your soul if you elect to explore your surroundings. I attempted to explore the desert wastelands only to encounter a number of these GIANT SANDWORMS OF DOOM!

    [insert Dune reference]
    [insert Dune reference]

    Luckily for me some random bozo on a Chocobo run carriage was willing to pick me up and send my ass back to the entrance of the Corel Prison.

    Part 58: It’s Time to Transform Barret Into An Interesting Character!

    When you finally decide to progress the story further you confront Barret at an abandoned house where he professes his innocence to the massacre at the Battle Square. He does suggest an alternative suspect, and that’s his old friend Dyne.

    So I'm guessing that it's incredibly common for people to get their arms replaced with guns if a doctor knew how to do that.
    So I'm guessing that it's incredibly common for people to get their arms replaced with guns if a doctor knew how to do that.

    Hold on a minute Barret! If Dyne is in the Corel Prison then how did he manage to exit it in order to commit this heinous act? Better yet, if Dyne is still in the Corel Prison how did he manage to get there? Can we follow his trail and not have to subject ourselves to Chocobo racing? Looking back, does Dio not have cameras in his amusement park? Why would he unquestionably assume that Cloud and company were responsible for the massacre from earlier? Oh and wait one minute...HOW THE FUCK DID BARRET GET HERE?! If I am truly meant to believe that the Corel Prison is this horrible maximum security prison camp then why have TWO characters been able to willingly enter it?

    I kid around on all of these counts, because I love. In the grand scheme of things Barret’s character moment works. His plain and simple character arc is completed in an exhilarating and emotionally engrossing manner. When Barret finally finds his “purpose” in life you begin to not only root for him, but also welcome into the party as a person. In fact, when Barret’s backstory was complete I really felt as if I had a better understanding as to why he behaved as he did in the previous scenes in the game. Thus far he has attempted to control the uncontrollable ever since his life was inverted right in front of his eyes. While his attempts to gain said control may appear to be chaotic and brash there’s a deeper meaning to his sometimes ill-advised behavior. However, I do believe that I am getting ahead of myself.

    Before Barret actually confronts Dyne he reveals how he lost his hand. Whilst attempting to rush to North Corel’s rescue during Shinra’s attack Barret discovers Dyne dangling from a ledge. When Barret attempts to rescue Dyne both of their hands are shot by the Shinra military. It appears that the Shinra soldiers finally managed to hit a target. Dyne is clearly the one who ends up the worse of the two. He walks with a haggard limp and his mannerisms, as well as overall physical appearance, suggest that he is a “broken” man. Directionless and clearly attempting to fill in a void in his life Dyne lives in a dump littered with broken cars and vehicles. It goes without saying that Square did masterful work here in setting up the final confrontation between Dyne and Barret. This is done by the game’s tremendous art design, music, and dialogue. As suggested earlier the broken wasteland does wonders to allude to Dyne’s broken body and spirit. The music occasionally crescendos but with a darker and more melodic tone. Finally, Barret talks to Dyne with compassion and humanity, and his mannerisms this time around humanize him rather than convey him as this absurd caricature. All of the pieces that would have otherwise conflicted with one another in a worse case scenario congeal into a clear and cohesive narrative.

    Shoot...it looks like you are down a hand.
    Shoot...it looks like you are down a hand.

    Barret finally confronts Dyne, and he does so on his own prerogative as well as by himself. Cloud, nor anyone else for that matter, take time away from Barret, and instead allow him to shine on his own stage. Dyne is filled with a rage that while is ill-advised, is understandable. Having lost everything that he has loved Dyne commits acts of murder in order to fill the void that he feels in his life. Something that I really enjoyed about this scene is how Barret responds to Dyne. Barret repeatedly doesn’t ask Dyne to forgive him for what transpired at North Corel. Instead he asks Dyne to forgive himself and to come to his senses for the sake of his daughter Marlene. It is without a shadow of a doubt one of Final Fantasy VII’s most emotionally charged moments. To the credit of the writing, Dyne and Barret both behave like human-beings caught in an unfortunate circumstance. Knowing nothing else but death and grief Dyne challenges Barret to a battle to the death.

    When you finally manage to off Dyne you end up feeling the same sense of regret that Barret feels when the battle concludes. Then, in what I can only call Final Fantasy VII’s most spellbinding scene yet, Dyne commits suicide by leaping to his death.

    I will refrain from making any jokes here.
    I will refrain from making any jokes here.

    With Dyne having forced Barret’s hand he now NEEDS to live and fight for Marlene as he is all she has. Bravo to the writers for going in such a daring route, and I double that praise for their willingness to not pull any punches. Emotionally taut scenes such as these truly prove what these characters are capable of. When the writers feel up for the challenge these characters end up becoming wonderful vessels to depict and convey more mature and darker themes. Not only that, but the writers have the tact and know withall to depict such themes in a manner that is not insulting to the audience...unlike a different Final Fantasy game that I have played. I’m as flabbergasted as you possibly are right now, but again all I can say regarding this scene is “bravo!”

    Part 59: Chocobo Racing Is Bad...It’s Really Bad

    I will capitulate that a lighter scene is absolutely necessary after watching a character commit suicide. I will also acknowledge that the set up for the Chocobo Racing is exactly what I asked for during my grousing about the Chocobo Farm and Golden Saucer set pieces. What I will not relinquish is the notion that Chocobo Racing is any sort of fun. I mean look at this screen and tell me what I am looking at:

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    I honestly SHOULD enjoy this sequence. We finally have a legitimate reason to be faffing about, as winning a chocobo race is the only way to exit the Corel Prison. See what you did there writers? You provided an actual plot device that added “stakes,” and as a result your audience was more invested in what transpired during the sequence! It’s almost as if the magic of storytelling is finally in action here. Then you have an actual mentor to guide you through and assist you in succeeding during the event. Wow, it’s almost as if a new world is starting to open up to me!

    So what’s the problem? Well the answer is simple: EVERYTHING ELSE! I MEAN LOOK AT THIS SCREEN! WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?

    Wait...WHEN DID WE ENTER SPACE?!
    Wait...WHEN DID WE ENTER SPACE?!

    There’s really not a lot to Chocobo Racing. You have to budget your stamina so is that you use most of it by the end of the race, but not too expeditiously. If this mission was meant to instill a sense of eagerness that resulted in me growing excited to race Chocobos...it didn’t. The neon drenched backdrops almost made me want to vomit. Furthermore, some of the herky jerky camera movements actually managed to give me a cluster headache. The lack of any semblance of overt control over the race is another damning aspect of this nightmare of a minigame. In fact, I would describe Chocobo Racing as less like a race, and more of a “pick up and deliver” board game. Your real objective is to move from Point A to Point B, but you have a limited amount of fuel in being able to do so.

    I don’t know...I didn’t find the actual racing to be especially fun. Looking over the actual parameters for the Chocobo Racing side-quest suggests that it is unnecessarily Byzantine and tedious. That said if the items are genuinely worth it...I’ll at least consider doing it. I already regret saying that, but it’s true. I have a soft spot for items that end up making my life easier in the long run. Well, there’s that and the fact that I am always willing to subject myself to any manner of torture for the sake of your entertainment.

    Part 60: Everyone Is Terrible At Their Job!

    Before we get back to the story let’s go over a bit of housekeeping that I managed to accomplish before pushing the narrative forward. I was strongly advised by multiple sources to expand the number of Enemy Skills that I had at my disposal by adding at least three or four “essential skills.” Again these were just a few assertions that I acted impulsively upon, and nothing incredibly story critical. Simply put, I mentioned to a couple of my sources that I was struggling with the combat a bit and needed a few “quick fixes.” This is what I managed to accomplish:

    Enemy Skill

    Photographic Evidence

    My Impression

    Aqualung

    No Caption Provided

    HOLY SHIT AM I SO HAPPY THAT I GOT THIS SKILL! On a number of occasions I was fighting some tough random encounters and this spell royally saved my ass when I was in a bind. At this stage of the game Aqualung essentially one shots any non-boss enemies that I face. In fact, when I cast Aqualung for the first time it was the first attack/spell that resulted in over 1,000 points of damage. Needless to say this spell is awesome.

    Big Guard

    No Caption Provided

    Okay so someone told me to get this spell but I don’t entirely know why. In fact, in their own words Big Guard is “one of the most powerful spells in the game.” Alright then, what does it do? I have yet to use it during combat so I’m open to being enlightened.

    White Wind

    No Caption Provided

    Well at least I finally have something that can wean me off of the Restore Materia! That said, White Wind is something that I use sparingly on account to its rather significant MP cost. Although, if I am being perfectly honest there are times when I need to make up massive HP deficiencies with my party. Luckily White Wind fills this role perfectly.

    Frog Song

    No Caption Provided

    The “Frog” status effect is such a pain to deal with. Initially I found it to be hilarious, but once I realized what it actually did to my party members I stopped laughing. If you do not have anything to cure the “Frog” status ailment then be prepared for it to single-handedly elongate even the most benign battles two-fold. So in the end it doesn’t exactly hurt that I have this skill.

    In any manner, moving onto the story! Our intrepid explorers finally find themselves reconnoitering the deciduous forests of Gongaga. Here we have yet another hilarious encounter with the Turks. This time you walk-in on Rude confessing to having a crush on Tifa...which I suppose is funny, but it really isn’t. As you might expect we end up fighting Reno and Rude. Once again Elena ends up running away, and once again doing jack shit to help her compatriots. This battle with Reno and Rude isn’t especially hard, and I managed to defeat Reno before Rude, but the entire affair is just so “meh.” The game has done so much to remove the sense of fear that I originally associated with the Turks, and instead devolved them into being a team of bumbling comic-relief fools. Soon after the battle I acquired a magical wand for Aeris which will do me WONDERS in the late game boss battles on Disc Three!

    Then the Turks just disappear. They don’t call for reinforcements, or inform the forces of Shinra where Cloud and his party are. They just run away. Then the party tries to confront the reality that one of our party members is not like the other.

    It’s almost as if there’s someone in the party that may be here for reasons unbeknownst to everyone else...
    It’s almost as if there’s someone in the party that may be here for reasons unbeknownst to everyone else...
    Cloud, let’s be serious about this. Who in this party just joined the group for no goddamn reason in particular?
    Cloud, let’s be serious about this. Who in this party just joined the group for no goddamn reason in particular?
    It’s Cait Sith...fucking come on people!
    It’s Cait Sith...fucking come on people!
    SO WAIT! You trust the random bozo we picked up at the casino? BECAUSE I SURE AS FUCK DON’T!
    SO WAIT! You trust the random bozo we picked up at the casino? BECAUSE I SURE AS FUCK DON’T!

    And then they completely forget about how there might be a spy in the group! They just move on with the adventure! Wait, what? NO! That’s not okay! Cloud you dolt! You are the leader of this shit show! Show some leadership skills for once in your life! Part of your job is to make sure that no one in your party dies! I hate to break it to you, but you are going to fail at this very simple task, and shit like this is part of the reason why!

    Part 61: Gongaga Village Was Interesting...I Think

    I actually enjoy what the game managed to accomplish with its limited time with Gongaga Village. The hesitation that you might have seen from my title only exists on account of how little time you spend at the village. In fact, I would have preferred if the game had spent more time extrapolating upon the backgrounds behind Tifa and Aeris. The commonality that they share at this village really makes exploring the village and its history all the worthwhile.

    First things first, we come across the smoldering ruins of an obliterated Mako Reactor. The ruins here once again hit home the conceit that Shinra are playing with fire when it comes to Mako energy. As you explore the ruins Scarlett, one of Shinra’s board of directors, waltzes through the ruins. Somehow both she and the leader of the Turks, Tseng, don’t notice Cloud crouching a few yards away from them.

    I've got your
    I've got your "Huge Materia" right here!

    With Scarlet’s hints you get the sense that the Shinra Corporation is actively developing more nightmarish creations that will eventually plague your adventures in the future. Shit son, foreshadowing in a video game? I would have never guessed it! However, once that is done you have the immediate pleasure of learning more about what exactly happened to the reactor at the Gongaga Village. Now I really lucked out here. I was tinkering around with my party composition and just happened to have both Tifa and Aeris in my party. Thank goodness that I did as they both have short, but touching character moments that are best enjoyed when done together.

    After entering one particular house in the township you come across an elderly couple asking Cloud if he has ever seen a member of SOLDIER named “Zack.” The sheer mentioning of this name manages to dredge up uncomfortable and painful memories in Tifa as well as Aeris. The sudden flood of memories is so painful for the two that they rush out of the building and require comforting from Cloud before continuing on with the adventure.

    There's a lot that you haven't told me about yourself...no really!
    There's a lot that you haven't told me about yourself...no really!

    While the game doesn’t oblige you with the entire story about Zack, and I am happy that the writers didn’t, the scene manages to serve the roles that it was meant to serve. Here we have a quieter moment that allows for Cloud to learn more about Aeris, as well as her background. Tifa on the other hand is entirely opposed to sharing her relationship with Zack to Cloud, and that fits her character as she hasn’t exactly been forthcoming to Cloud about the past. This is less of a character “development” scene and more of a character “solidification” moment, and again there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Part 62: Cosmo Canyon Is A Bad Level That I Didn’t Like Very Much

    Right then, let’s get something out of the way before we get into the nitty gritty of Cosmo Canyon. I think Red XIII is a fucking boring character. I mean honestly the guy’s weapon is a feather that he puts on his head...what’s the deal with that? Part of this stems from the fact that his character arc, that of an ardent environmental preservationist with a strong sense for the natural world, seems redundant in the grand scheme of things. Firstly we have Aeris, whose status of being an “Ancient” means that we already have a character that literally “talks” to the planet. Then you add in Tifa and Barret who are both eco-terrorists, as well as Final Fantasy VII’s already overt allegorical themes pertaining to environmentalism, and Red XIII just comes across as overkill. If we are being perfectly clear as to why anyone really cares about him as a character it’s because he’s a talking dog thing; that’s honestly all he really has going for him.

    Will there ever be a well designed level in this game?
    Will there ever be a well designed level in this game?

    Now Cosmo Canyon itself is a fucking nightmare to navigate through. It is especially worse for someone like myself who is playing the game for the first time. The entire level is built into a single blob-like mountain, and this is the primary reason as to why it is so difficult to navigate. The entire mountain and its avenues are the same pale browns over and over again. Worse yet are the camera angles which can entirely obscure some of the entryways. Then there are buildings, ladders, and caves in the background that you assume wouldn’t be entryways to new locations, but are. Eventually I simply had to admit defeat and ended up toggling the [Select]-input in order to highlight where all of the doors were.

    Moving onto the actual purpose of Cosmo Canyon. It appears that what we have just experienced with Barret at the Corel Prison is about to happen to Red XIII, or I guess I should say Nanaki. Here we discover that Red XIII is the brash and young explorer of his village at Cosmo Canyon. I find all of this to be odd as thus far the game has conveyed Red XIII as more of a “wise sage,” than a young brazenfaced rapscallion. I place emphasis on “young” as it is eventually revealed that Red XIII is approximately sixteen years old in human years, and is itching to begin his transition into adulthood. Apparently, this involves him descending into a cave full of giant goddamn spiders. Why can’t his grandfather just get Red XIII his driver’s license instead? All the same, my previous point still stands. It’s almost as if the game retracts the character they have built in Red XIII thus far in order to make this scene succeed.

    Part 63: More Heavy Handed Environmental Allegory And A Cave of Doom

    It turns out that not only is Red XIII’s “grandfather” a floating Weeble, but he’s also some sort of hippie space wizard. Once you have talked to all of your party members, which is no easy task by the way, you select two friends to accompany you to the old man’s space observatory. Despite the actual scene suggesting the contrary the floating Weeble purports that the observatory has a limited capacity. I selected Cait Sith and Aeris because I honestly didn’t give a fuck at this point, and I just wanted the story to move on. What can I say? At least I am being honest!

    They have to play Final Fantasy VIII forever!
    They have to play Final Fantasy VIII forever!

    Oh goody, it appears that someone at Square watched their good share of Miyazaki films when writing the script for Cosmo Canyon. For those of you not “in the know,” it turns out that Mako Energy is actually the life force of those whom have passed away. It’s kind of like Soylent Green, but less gross. Because Sqaure assumes that their audience may not have already put the pieces together regarding Shinra’s unfeathered used of Mako Energy; the psychedelic space wizard explains that the planet will break apart unless something is done to stop Shinra. Golly, I feel like I should react to this revelation with surprise, but I can’t because the game has been hinting at this possibility for the last TWENTY HOURS! Yeah I get it Square! You can’t have your cake and eat it! I got that the first time around.

    From here we are off to the caves of puberty so is that Red XIII can finally become an adult! Hopefully I won't have to witness what Red XIII has been dreaming about the last couple of nights.

    What a load of bullshit!
    What a load of bullshit!

    This cave sucks. It really is a pain to navigate through and is filled to the brim with enemies that are just aggravating to deal with. The first “puzzle” that you are forced to deal with involves you cracking away at rocks in body sized crevices within the initial cave. There is one rock here which will open up the pathway to the next location. All of the other rocks will result in a battle with a horrible monster. So what hints does the game provide to assist you in locating the correct crevice?

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! OF COURSE THERE AREN'T ANY HINTS! YOU HAVE TO RELY ON PURE CHANCE TO LOCATE THE CORRECT ROCK!

    Did I mention how irritating the enemies here can be? All of the undead random encounters have some nasty status ailment attacks as well as the “Death Sentence” spell. The latter of which is a spell that results in instant death to the target if the battle does not end within sixty seconds. It’s a real bullshit spell to say the least. Then there are these giant spider monsters:

    Oh these motherfuckers!
    Oh these motherfuckers!

    These assholes have a ton of HP and sport an attack that automatically drains about 75% of the target’s health points. WELL FUCK YOU TOO GAME! Luckily for me, I had the White Wind and Aqualung Enemy Skills to act as a crutch for these battles. The only consequence is that I was desperately low on MP by the time I had reached the final boss. However, thank goodness the final boss in this level was an undead one! With zero fucks to give I just killed the asshole with an X-Potion.

    Call me a man without honor all you want, but I am DONE dealing with this shit!
    Call me a man without honor all you want, but I am DONE dealing with this shit!

    Part 64: I Still Think Red XIII is Boring

    I’m sorry but the title still rings true after having witnessed Red XIII’s ultimate character moment. While it is “interesting” to see him witness the sacrifice of his father in person this moment lacks the gravitas and emotional weight of Barret’s character moment. Part of this stems from the fact that the game builds up the character of Red XIII’s father, and not Red XIII himself. I get that for the longest time Red XIII was always ashamed of what he perceived to be his father’s “betrayal.” Be that as it may, this is supposed to be Red XIII’s moment, and not his father’s! Shouldn’t Red XIII be forced to commit a sacrifice that re-contextualizes his world view? Plus, when the stone statuette of Red XIII’s father starts crying...I’m sorry but I just can’t take any of this seriously anymore!

    Do dead statues dream of electric sheep?
    Do dead statues dream of electric sheep?

    This is just cheesy as fuck! The statue is literally crying tears of unfathomable sadness! Additionally, I don’t understand what Red XIII’s father is crying about! Is he proud to see his grown son? I thought he was dead so how is he crying? Why did the Weeble keep this information away from Red XIII? Wouldn’t Red XIII’s curiosity to know more about his father culminate in him trying to research his past before this moment?

    Worse yet is how Red XIII ends up convinced to “tag along” with the party for the rest of the adventure. Rather than have Red XIII reach his own decision as to what he wants to do with his life as an adult, his grandfather ends up picking his destiny for him. That’s uhhh...shitty to say the least. In fact, this completely contradicts the whole purpose of Red XIII going down into the caves and “becoming” an adult in the first place. How did no one realize that? I’m an idiot, and even I figured that one out! Wouldn’t you want the audience to see a maturation and change in Red XIII after his moment with his father? By having his grandfather pick his destiny Red XIII comes across as having little real motivation of being on this adventure in the first place. Next time I’m making my party I’ll try to remember NOT to pick the moody teenager that just got their cellphone confiscated!

    DON'T YOU BULLSHIT ME! NO YOU DIDN'T! YOU ARE STILL THE EXACT SAME AGE!
    DON'T YOU BULLSHIT ME! NO YOU DIDN'T! YOU ARE STILL THE EXACT SAME AGE!

    Anyways I think I have had enough of Red XIII’s psychedelic hippie environmental nonsense to last a lifetime, and with that we will close this entry of my folly into Final Fantasy VII.

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    beforet

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    #1  Edited By beforet

    I haven't read this all yet, but to answer your (first) three questions:

    Question #1: Do I really need to worry about making the most of the Materia system, or are there only a scant few occasions where linking and mastering Materia is critical to the game?

    Not really. The most important "linking" materia you will use is "All". That makes the linked spell materia target all available targets instead of just 1. So Fire will hit all enemies. Cure will hit all allies. Etc. There are others. If you get one that sounds cool, equip it. Try it out. Something you will realize is that, so long as you don't make a habit of running away from everything, FF7 is easy AF. You can more or less freely experiment, so long as you have someone with Restore-All equipped and maybe Heal (yeah, that's some bad naming there) you'll be good.

    WARNING ABOUT ALL: It only works however many times up to its level. So a Fire linked to a level 3 All will hit all enemies 3 times in a battle.

    Question #2: Should I just wait until later before caring about this nonsense? Similarly why is it that some weapons and armor say “Double?” Does that mean that the character or equipped Materia is leveled at double the rate that they normally would? Speaking of leveling, do all equipped Materia gain AP, or do I have to use them in combat in order to add AP to them?

    You're basically better off using what works immediately and not worrying about it. Hyper optimizations really only come into play when fighting Ruby and Emerald WEAPON. Double means exactly what you think it does, and you don't have to "use" materia for it to get AP. Just having it equipped is enough. And don't worry about grinding Materia levels. It will happen naturally. Just try to keep someone equipped with an All materia so that it levels up to max. Trust me, you'll want an All materia to max out.

    Question #3: Is this going to screw me over? Is my penchant for ignoring Barret and Red XIII going to seriously curtail my progress during the later portion of the game? I’m still committed to using Aeris as little as possible because...if she dies, she dies. Shit, I don’t think that I have even bought her a new weapon since she first joined the party.

    There are times when you'll be forced to use characters. Barret, in particular, gets some solo action later EDIT WAIT NOPE YOU DID ALREADY THAT NEVER MIND YOU'RE GOOD. But again, the game is not that hard. And aside from those story sequences, there will never be a time when any character is better suited than another. The thing about the Materia system is that there is little to 0 mechanical difference between characters outside of limit breaks. Aeris is the only character who is like "oh yeah, this is a magic user." Everyone can be whatever you want. It's all about what Materia they have equipped. So use whoever you like. And by whoever you like, I mean anyone other than Cait Sith. Never use Cait Sith. Fuck Cait Sith.

    Also tip: I don't know if the game ever mentions this, but hitting whatever equivalent there is to the Select button (no idea what this would be on PC, sorry) should bring up tooltips for Materia before you buy them.

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    beforet

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    Also I TOLD YOU WHAT BIG GUARD DID but whatevs I'll go over it again:

    Big Guard doubles your defense, magic defense, and speed. So you take less damage from everything, and you go faster. And it works on the entire party. It's actually really good for boss battles.

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    Teddie

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    #4  Edited By Teddie

    I can't wait to see that dolphin minigame in stunning HD. Because there's no reason they wouldn't include that in the remake, right?

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    beforet

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    @teddie said:

    I can't wait to see that dolphin minigame in stunning HD. Because there's no reason they wouldn't include that in the remake, right?

    MOTHERFUCKER THEY BETTER!

    That is actually kind of my view of the remake. I want them to include every single bat shit stupid PS1 era JRPG one off mechanic and mini-game. I want to snow board and spend hours doing a stupid Fort Condor mini-game god dammit!

    Don't look at me!

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    CommodoreGroovy

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    Another great post! And I don't think I can deny it anymore. FFVII has a real problem transitioning between serious and light-hearted scenes. But to its credit, it's a video game, not a movie. I don't think every cutscene needs to follow up on a mood, specifically if the cutscenes are separated by entirely different areas, but because it happens so often it becomes jarring after a while.

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    ShadyPingu

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    #7  Edited By ShadyPingu

    Reading these blogs, I'm always struck by how reliant these games can be on prior mechanical knowledge, both of jrpgs in general and Final Fantasy games specifically. Looking at that screenshot of the Heal materia, I instantly knew "that's probably got Esuna on there, duh," but your assumption about it being a better Cure spell is entirely logical, and understandably frustrating. Like all languages, Final Fantasy is second nature to those who know how to speak it, and utter gibberish to the those who don't.

    I guess what I'm saying is, I have no fucking idea how you've even gotten this far.

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    cypher89

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    Why you continue to torture yourself with not using the [SELECT] function on maps is insane to me, some maps are garbage as you have written about at length. But hey keep it up enjoyable read as always.

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    kasaioni

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    Interesting about the "Heal" thing; in FFXI the job Dancer has the ability to cure itself and allies both HP-wise and status ailment-wise. The ability to restore HP is called "Curing Waltz", but the ability to get rid of status ailments is called "Healing Waltz".

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    LawGamer

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    @zombiepie:

    @beforet did a pretty good job of going over your questions, but I'll add a small point to No. 3 - make sure you check your equipment when you need to change to a new party. The game does occasionally split you up for Plot Reasons(TM), and when it does, it has an unfortunate tendency to unequip, well . . . all the materia from characters. Without telling you. It also does the reverse, but forcing you to pick a party without being able to review which materia you've assigned to which party member. It also likes to do this right before boss fights. So, you know. FYI.

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    @zombiepie In regards to Big Guard, it's an amazing spell that will make the game significantly easier. It places protect, shell and haste on all of your party members, so they suffer half damage, half spell effects and their ATB fills much faster.

    The only thing to watch out for is that the half spell effects include healing.

    The 'barrier' bars next to the characters names in the battle UI shows the duration remaining on protect and spell, so you can time your healing such that you cure your characters when the spell wears off, and once they are back at full health you can cast Big Guard again.

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    beforet

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    @zombiepie: Before I forget, there is one thing that Cait Sith is good for. One thing. I'm going to put it in a spoilers block, but know that it's about Cait Sith's limit breaks, and certain end game quests.

    Cait Sith's second limit break is "Slots". It has a variety of random effects depending on what you pull. I think you can time it to an extent, but I could be totally wrong about that. But one of the effects is instant kill all enemies. This does not behave like the spell Death, and will work on all bosses, including Emerald and Ruby WEAPON. This can be an easy way to kill those bosses if you just want their prizes.

    Note, however, that there is also an effect that will kill your entire party. Again. Fuck Cait Sith.

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    #13 ZombiePie  Staff

    @beforet said:

    I haven't read this all yet, but to answer your (first) three questions:

    Question #1: Do I really need to worry about making the most of the Materia system, or are there only a scant few occasions where linking and mastering Materia is critical to the game?

    Not really. The most important "linking" materia you will use is "All". That makes the linked spell materia target all available targets instead of just 1. So Fire will hit all enemies. Cure will hit all allies. Etc. There are others. If you get one that sounds cool, equip it. Try it out. Something you will realize is that, so long as you don't make a habit of running away from everything, FF7 is easy AF. You can more or less freely experiment, so long as you have someone with Restore-All equipped and maybe Heal (yeah, that's some bad naming there) you'll be good.

    WARNING ABOUT ALL: It only works however many times up to its level. So a Fire linked to a level 3 All will hit all enemies 3 times in a battle.

    Question #2: Should I just wait until later before caring about this nonsense? Similarly why is it that some weapons and armor say “Double?” Does that mean that the character or equipped Materia is leveled at double the rate that they normally would? Speaking of leveling, do all equipped Materia gain AP, or do I have to use them in combat in order to add AP to them?

    You're basically better off using what works immediately and not worrying about it. Hyper optimizations really only come into play when fighting Ruby and Emerald WEAPON. Double means exactly what you think it does, and you don't have to "use" materia for it to get AP. Just having it equipped is enough. And don't worry about grinding Materia levels. It will happen naturally. Just try to keep someone equipped with an All materia so that it levels up to max. Trust me, you'll want an All materia to max out.

    Question #3: Is this going to screw me over? Is my penchant for ignoring Barret and Red XIII going to seriously curtail my progress during the later portion of the game? I’m still committed to using Aeris as little as possible because...if she dies, she dies. Shit, I don’t think that I have even bought her a new weapon since she first joined the party.

    There are times when you'll be forced to use characters. Barret, in particular, gets some solo action later EDIT WAIT NOPE YOU DID ALREADY THAT NEVER MIND YOU'RE GOOD. But again, the game is not that hard. And aside from those story sequences, there will never be a time when any character is better suited than another. The thing about the Materia system is that there is little to 0 mechanical difference between characters outside of limit breaks. Aeris is the only character who is like "oh yeah, this is a magic user." Everyone can be whatever you want. It's all about what Materia they have equipped. So use whoever you like. And by whoever you like, I mean anyone other than Cait Sith. Never use Cait Sith. Fuck Cait Sith.

    Also tip: I don't know if the game ever mentions this, but hitting whatever equivalent there is to the Select button (no idea what this would be on PC, sorry) should bring up tooltips for Materia before you buy them.

    Thank you for all of this important information! Also, yeah...Cait Sith can go fuck himself.

    @loamlife said:

    5. Knights of the round is NOT worth it.

    Every other user informed me to at least TRY getting Knights of the Round. Whether or not I actually get it is another thing. The same goes for the items that you acquire from the Chocobo Racing. Who knows if I actually commit to doing every single race...I'm still going to try doing some of it.

    @beforet said:

    Also I TOLD YOU WHAT BIG GUARD DID but whatevs I'll go over it again:

    Big Guard doubles your defense, magic defense, and speed. So you take less damage from everything, and you go faster. And it works on the entire party. It's actually really good for boss battles.

    This is a bit off topic, but what are the Speed and Spirit traits? I have some items that boost those traits but I'm not sure if they even matter.

    @beforet said:
    @teddie said:

    I can't wait to see that dolphin minigame in stunning HD. Because there's no reason they wouldn't include that in the remake, right?

    MOTHERFUCKER THEY BETTER!

    That is actually kind of my view of the remake. I want them to include every single bat shit stupid PS1 era JRPG one off mechanic and mini-game. I want to snow board and spend hours doing a stupid Fort Condor mini-game god dammit!

    Don't look at me!

    BUT THERE'S SO MUCH STUPID BULLSHIT IN THIS GAME!

    I mean I think there's a way to convey Chocobo Racing in a modern game and have it be fun and interesting, but what about everything else? How do you depict being flung by a dolphin in the air in HD? Or how about marching in parade?

    AND SPEAKING OF THAT I STILL HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO WELL IN THE PARADE! FUCK THAT SCENE!

    Another great post! And I don't think I can deny it anymore. FFVII has a real problem transitioning between serious and light-hearted scenes. But to its credit, it's a video game, not a movie. I don't think every cutscene needs to follow up on a mood, specifically if the cutscenes are separated by entirely different areas, but because it happens so often it becomes jarring after a while.

    The issue is that it honestly happens every time the game attempts for something dramatic in its narrative. The game is woefully incapable of maintaining and complimenting its darker and serious moments with transitions that guide the player to a new set piece seamlessly. As I mentioned on the blog this is a problem with all video games ever. To expect a game that is over fifteen years old to have the solution to this problem is more than a bit unreasonable, but that does not mean that it isn't a problem that exists.

    Reading these blogs, I'm always struck by how reliant these games can be on prior mechanical knowledge, both of jrpgs in general and Final Fantasy games specifically. Looking at that screenshot of the Heal materia, I instantly knew "that's probably got Esuna on there, duh," but your assumption about it being a better Cure spell is entirely logical, and understandably frustrating. Like all languages, Final Fantasy is second nature to those who know how to speak it, and utter gibberish to the those who don't.

    I'm going to be 100% honest with you...this is the exact reason why I have never played a Persona game. Those games have the LITERAL WORST NAMING CONVENTIONS I HAVE EVER SEEN! As someone with no experience with any of the RPGs that Atlus has created in the past their games come across as incomprehensible technobable. It's almost as if the franchise has created its own language and anyone like myself has to play their games with a translated dictionary.

    @lawgamer said:

    @zombiepie:

    @beforet did a pretty good job of going over your questions, but I'll add a small point to No. 3 - make sure you check your equipment when you need to change to a new party. The game does occasionally split you up for Plot Reasons(TM), and when it does, it has an unfortunate tendency to unequip, well . . . all the materia from characters. Without telling you. It also does the reverse, but forcing you to pick a party without being able to review which materia you've assigned to which party member. It also likes to do this right before boss fights. So, you know. FYI.

    This is such a pain in the ass. At least Final Fantasy VIII had a simple "switch" menu option where you could immediately transfer junctions and summons between party members. Unless I'm doing something wrong every time I want to change my party up I end up leaving a town and going to the Overworld. Then I manually unequip all of my items and Materia on the person that I want to swap out. Then I have to do the same thing all over again with the character that I want in my party...BUT OH WAIT THEIR WEAPON DOESN'T HAVE AS MANY SLOTS AS THE OTHER CHARACTER! Then it is back to the drawing board....

    @zombiepie In regards to Big Guard, it's an amazing spell that will make the game significantly easier. It places protect, shell and haste on all of your party members, so they suffer half damage, half spell effects and their ATB fills much faster.

    The only thing to watch out for is that the half spell effects include healing.

    The 'barrier' bars next to the characters names in the battle UI shows the duration remaining on protect and spell, so you can time your healing such that you cure your characters when the spell wears off, and once they are back at full health you can cast Big Guard again.

    Okay that does indeed sound awesome! Here's my issue currently: I'm running out of MP real quick. Do I only use Big Guard when there is a boss battle, or should I basically use it whenever I fight? Is there an easy way to gain MP in Final Fantasy VII that I don't know about? Or should I just continue using the hotels to restore my HP and MP?

    @beforet said:

    @zombiepie: Before I forget, there is one thing that Cait Sith is good for. One thing. I'm going to put it in a spoilers block, but know that it's about Cait Sith's limit breaks, and certain end game quests.

    Cait Sith's second limit break is "Slots". It has a variety of random effects depending on what you pull. I think you can time it to an extent, but I could be totally wrong about that. But one of the effects is instant kill all enemies. This does not behave like the spell Death, and will work on all bosses, including Emerald and Ruby WEAPON. This can be an easy way to kill those bosses if you just want their prizes.

    Note, however, that there is also an effect that will kill your entire party. Again. Fuck Cait Sith.

    Wait a minute...didn't Selphie Tilmitt have "Slot" in Final Fantasy VIII? I owe that Limit Break for allowing me to beat Omega Weapon.

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    @zombiepie: Speed is how fast your ATB bar fills up. Arguably the most important stat, in the way that speed is always the most important stat in these games. Spirit is used with Magic Defense to determine your actual magic defense.

    This is such a pain in the ass. At least Final Fantasy VIII had a simple "switch" menu option where you could immediately transfer junctions and summons between party members. Unless I'm doing something wrong every time I want to change my party up I end up leaving a town and going to the Overworld. Then I manually unequip all of my items and Materia on the person that I want to swap out. Then I have to do the same thing all over again with the character that I want in my party...BUT OH WAIT THEIR WEAPON DOESN'T HAVE AS MANY SLOTS AS THE OTHER CHARACTER! Then it is back to the drawing board....

    So, I think you actually can switch all materia from one party member to another. If you go into the materia menu and click on "Arrange", as in actually bring your cursor over arrange and select it, there should be an exchange option. You still run into the problem of party members not having the same number of materia slots, but it makes it a bit quicker at least.

    Wait a minute...didn't Selphie Tilmitt have "Slot" in Final Fantasy VIII? I owe that Limit Break for allowing me to beat Omega Weapon.

    Selphie's instant kill limit break is way easier to use and cheese than Cait Sith's; don't expect anything like that.

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    GERALTITUDE

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    Great post! I remembered Barrett's "origin" very fondly. He's a great character, and the fight with Dyne is awesome. At the time, I was surprised to fight a battle without Cloud in it.

    Red XIII and the cosmo map are not great. But you know who is? Bu-bu-bu-BU-GEN-HAGEN!

    To answer a question: you shouldn't need to be putting up Big Guard for most fights. As you've seen, MP is a little harder to replenish than health. Use in times of need and at the start of a boss fight. Though inns aren't super expensive iirc, save money for weapons/items/materia and buy some tents instead.

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    @zombiepie 'Okay that does indeed sound awesome! Here's my issue currently: I'm running out of MP real quick. Do I only use Big Guard when there is a boss battle, or should I basically use it whenever I fight? Is there an easy way to gain MP in Final Fantasy VII that I don't know about? Or should I just continue using the hotels to restore my HP and MP?'

    Typically, I only ever used Big Guard for boss battles. Healing is cheap, so if you can survive a non-boss fight without it, it's typically more MP efficient to just cure/potion your way through the damage.

    MP is important in FF7 and you will discover a great many ways to manage it as you progress through the game. One fundamentally important way to improve your MP is to take a close look at your materia assignments. You might have not been paying attention to it because it's a pretty small detail, but each materia affects the stats of the character it is equipped on. Usually, magic will give +MP -HP, and summons will have a greater effect. Conversely, physical materia like cover will increase HP, etc.

    What this means is that once you have a good range of materia, you can build your characters into different archetypes. Loading someone up with a lot of summons, e.skill and some healing spells will give you a high MP character who can cast powerful spells more freely. I advise ranged characters such as Barret or Yuffie for this role since they can be put in the back row to counteract the lowered max HP and not suffer damage degradation.

    For my runs, I tend to run one character like that, another with cover, counterattack and similar materia to serve as a physical attacker and tank, and a third who fills the adaptable jack-of-all-trades position so that I won't be backed into a corner by bosses with specific immunities.

    Later in the game you will find purchasable materia which you can slot to just flat out gain +X% to max MP or HP. I implore you to grab more than you think you will need as soon as you see them, because the % value increases as you level them up. At that point, it will become more of a balancing act of how many spell materia you want equipped vs how many stat materia.

    Personally I played through the game mainly with a party of Cloud with Yuffie and Barret - their penultimate limit breaks are statistically the best in the game. (Ultimate limit breaks sadly tend to be underwhelming because damage maxes out at 9999) However, once you've got a handle on the various, poorly explained systems at play in FF7 it can become an incredibly easy game, and the characters are all similar enough aside from ranged weapon superiority and different limit breaks that I suggest you go with the characters you find most interesting, since there is a whole lot of custom incidental dialogue for almost everyone that can add a lot to some scenes.

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    If I recall correctly, Cait Sith is a decent magic user, but not much good for anything else. After Aeris, he's probably the best to build as a pure magic-user. Cloud is a potent magic-user as well, but he's good at everything. It's worth noting that equipping materia will usually lower melee stat while boosting the magic stat. Equipping Ice and Fire on Cloud will weaken strength, while boosting his magic stat.

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    outlawtorn13

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    @zombiepie: Look forward to these as much as the regular content on GB. Thanks Zombiepie

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    #19 thatpinguino  Staff

    @zombiepie you forgot to mention the tonal shift between meeting Aeris and learning her history and going to Wall Market. The first half of disc one sure doesn't know what tone it wants.

    Now I'm replaying FFVII as well so that I can have fresh opinions for our podcasts and because no one should suffer alone. I have to say, FFVII holds up a lot better than I remembered from a gameplay and drama perspective. However, the characterizations of each of the main party members vary wildly from scene to scene. Cloud goes from hyper-competent soldier to aww-shucks shrugs in like two seconds and from aloof to caring just as quickly depending on what the scene needs. Barret goes from slang to perfect grammar in the same text box sometimes. FFVII is so close to being great.

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    Barret's whole arc was definitely amongst my favorite parts when I first played it, glad to see it still works for someone looking at the game with fresh eyes.

    Yes, Cait Sith is completely terrible.

    "Every other user informed me to at least TRY getting Knights of the Round. Whether or not I actually get it is another thing. The same goes for the items that you acquire from the Chocobo Racing. Who knows if I actually commit to doing every single race...I'm still going to try doing some of it."

    Pretty sure I put it under my "Fuck that shit," list. Racing and breeding Chocobos felt soul-sucking when I was 11, I can only imagine what kind of existential crisis it would provoke in me today.

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    shodan2020

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    I can see from your screenshots why you don't like Chocobo racing. You have it set to manual, and trying to control the chocobo yourself is super frustrating and not worth it. I always had it set to automatic and just sat back, cracked a beer/lived the vape life, and let the chocobo manage itself. Once you start breeding them, especially if you breed a golden, it will easily blow away all the other entrants on the racing field, plus the AI of the other racers is pretty meager.

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    beforet

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    RE: Knights of the Round, there is a way to get it without breeding chocobos.

    If he manages to use Cait Sith's slots to cheese Ruby Weapon, he will get an item that can be traded in for a gold chocobo. Fighting Ruby legit is also an option, and it's way easier than Emerald, but doing so without knights is definitely a pain.

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    #23 ZombiePie  Staff

    @mechamarshmallow: Okay that sounds like a plan. I guess it was a mistake to sell all of my MP restoring items...for 1 Gil.

    Anyways how do I determine which characters are more aligned with magic, and which ones have a stronger affinity towards inflicting physical damage? Are there characters that are more nuanced that I should worry about or consider?

    @beforet said:

    RE: Knights of the Round, there is a way to get it without breeding chocobos.

    If he manages to use Cait Sith's slots to cheese Ruby Weapon, he will get an item that can be traded in for a gold chocobo. Fighting Ruby legit is also an option, and it's way easier than Emerald, but doing so without knights is definitely a pain.

    I still think that I need to at least attempt the normal route regardless of my feelings about Chocobos or their garbage racing minigame.

    What I have gleamed about Chocobo Breeding does indeed look like the opposite of fun.

    I can see from your screenshots why you don't like Chocobo racing. You have it set to manual, and trying to control the chocobo yourself is super frustrating and not worth it. I always had it set to automatic and just sat back, cracked a beer/lived the vape life, and let the chocobo manage itself. Once you start breeding them, especially if you breed a golden, it will easily blow away all the other entrants on the racing field, plus the AI of the other racers is pretty meager.

    So is it true that there is a button input that allows you to restore the stamina to your Chocobos while racing them? What buttons did you press on the controller or original PC version to accomplish this?

    Great post! I remembered Barrett's "origin" very fondly. He's a great character, and the fight with Dyne is awesome. At the time, I was surprised to fight a battle without Cloud in it.

    Red XIII and the cosmo map are not great. But you know who is? Bu-bu-bu-BU-GEN-HAGEN!

    To answer a question: you shouldn't need to be putting up Big Guard for most fights. As you've seen, MP is a little harder to replenish than health. Use in times of need and at the start of a boss fight. Though inns aren't super expensive iirc, save money for weapons/items/materia and buy some tents instead.

    Yeah fighting Dyne without any help was certainly weird, but it wasn't a complete dickhead thing to do to the player. No, a REAL ASSHOLE would force the player to fight a dragon without Materia in order to save the piece of shit that stole the Materia in THE GODDAMN FIRST PLACE!

    FUCK YUFFIE! FUCK THAT SCENE! WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!

    @alexl86 said:

    If I recall correctly, Cait Sith is a decent magic user, but not much good for anything else. After Aeris, he's probably the best to build as a pure magic-user. Cloud is a potent magic-user as well, but he's good at everything. It's worth noting that equipping materia will usually lower melee stat while boosting the magic stat. Equipping Ice and Fire on Cloud will weaken strength, while boosting his magic stat.

    Man there are too many characters in this game for me to grind and worry about leveling up. It would be one thing if grinding wasn't a massive pain, but it is and I feel like I'm not at a great part of the game where grinding is optimal. That said I could be wrong on that regard.

    @zombiepie you forgot to mention the tonal shift between meeting Aeris and learning her history and going to Wall Market. The first half of disc one sure doesn't know what tone it wants.

    Now I'm replaying FFVII as well so that I can have fresh opinions for our podcasts and because no one should suffer alone. I have to say, FFVII holds up a lot better than I remembered from a gameplay and drama perspective. However, the characterizations of each of the main party members vary wildly from scene to scene. Cloud goes from hyper-competent soldier to aww-shucks shrugs in like two seconds and from aloof to caring just as quickly depending on what the scene needs. Barret goes from slang to perfect grammar in the same text box sometimes. FFVII is so close to being great.

    That's not as bad a transition because the initial phase of the Wall Market works initially. The Wall Market comes across as this sleazy red light district where larger than life characters reside. The initial batch of characters that you interact with fit with the setting and to be honest the art direction of the Wall Market is impeccable. The problems only start when you have to actually do shit in the Wall Market...all of the mission stuff there is the worst.

    @jesna said:

    Barret's whole arc was definitely amongst my favorite parts when I first played it, glad to see it still works for someone looking at the game with fresh eyes.

    Yes, Cait Sith is completely terrible.

    "Every other user informed me to at least TRY getting Knights of the Round. Whether or not I actually get it is another thing. The same goes for the items that you acquire from the Chocobo Racing. Who knows if I actually commit to doing every single race...I'm still going to try doing some of it."

    Pretty sure I put it under my "Fuck that shit," list. Racing and breeding Chocobos felt soul-sucking when I was 11, I can only imagine what kind of existential crisis it would provoke in me today.

    This is now the second bit of input advising me not to do this...hmmm let me consult this guide that I found for the game....

    *CHECKS GUIDE ON CHOCOBO BREEDING*

    OH FUCK THIS!

    I think I still need to try it at least once.

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    @zombiepie: 'Anyways how do I determine which characters are more aligned with magic, and which ones have a stronger affinity towards inflicting physical damage? Are there characters that are more nuanced that I should worry about or consider?'

    You could go through the effort of unequipping everyone and looking at their stats, or you could google it, but to give a quick rundown:

    Cloud has the best stats in almost categories, and near-top in the others. He can fill any role you want, but since he uses melee weapons you might want to avoid tanking his HP with too much magic unless you have a free spot for the Long Range materia.

    Red XIII, Tifa and Yuffie are solid all-rounders. Red skews magic, Tifa strength and Yuffie speed. Red gets his best equipment earlier than everyone else, but Tifa can pull off some neat tricks with the Critical Hit materia once you get one of her accuracy-boosting weapons. Yuffie is a ranged combatant so takes less physical damage, and has very useful, fast-charging limit breaks (her ultimate sucks, but penultimate does monster damage)

    Cait Sith sucks. He's got some fun, goofy limit breaks but statistically he is weaker than other options in all areas.

    Barret and Cid are physical and tanky. Barret is ranged, so can potentially serve as a back-row tank. Both have really strong limit breaks, Barret's penultimate and Cid's ultimate are alongside Cloud's ultimate and Yuffie's penultimate as the most powerful damaging attacks in the game.

    Aeris and Vincent are strong casters. Vincent is without a doubt weaker than Aeris, but is a ranged fighter and has a very strong limit break for sections in which you can't use materia. A word of warning on this character: Vincent was very nearly left on the cutting room floor along with Yuffie. They were saved at the last minute, but Vincent was left with only a handful of unique lines and a really bad sidequest. If you pick him, you won't be getting much story out of it. Thankfully, Yuffie (my favorite character) was also a favorite of one of the writers and has a lot of really great unique dialogue like everyone else.

    The nature of the game is that you don't need to play optimally to complete it, but on a first run through focusing on a few characters and using their strengths correctly can make up for not knowing the gimmicks and secrets a lot of more experienced players rely upon.

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    #25  Edited By ZombiePie  Staff

    @teddie: @encephalon: @loamlife: @lawgamer: @geraltitude: @alexl86: @thatpinguino: @jesna: @shodan2020: @beforet: @mechamarshmallow: @dankempster@mento@sparky_buzzsaw

    I got to the Temple of the Ancients...this is a bad level. There's the M.C. Escher platforming bit...the asshole random encounters...then the clock puzzle...then the monster coming out of the doorways...and the bosses are the worst.

    FUCK THIS CLOCK PUZZLE! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! AND ALL OF THE ENEMIES ARE DICKS! WHY IS THIS ON THE FIRST DISC?

    IT'S FUCKING FUCKED IS WHAT IT IS!

    Was this scene ever good? Is it just the Steam version of the game, or is The Temple of the Ancients just shitty?

    I'm going to be honest with you...I'm almost "broken." HELP!

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    #26  Edited By beforet

    @zombiepie: Temple of Ancients is pretty rough. I don't remember hating it, but I also don't remember my first time playing through it. I am pretty sure I used a guide. Pretty sure I got lost, and those puzzles are mother fuckers.

    This is just me copying and pasting a paragraph from the Final Fantasy wiki on the clock puzzle:

    Once getting past the room with the Rolling Boulders, the player will enter a circular room shaped like a huge clock, and the end of each number leads to a room. It is possible to move the hands of the clock, but only one at time. The hand moved is respective to where the player starts; if Cloud came from a room connected through the minute hand, he'll be only able to move the second hand, and vice-versa. By completing a full cycle, either clockwise or counterclockwise, the player can move the other hand as well.

    Suffice to say, there are unique items in every room good items in most of the rooms. Try to get all of them! One of them is really good!

    It's the Ribbon!

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    beforet

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    @zombiepie: I'd need someone to back me up on this, but I am pretty sure it's a long time until the game gets as esoteric with its environment design as in the Temple of Ancients, if it ever does. So power through it! We believe in you!

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    #28  Edited By MechaMarshmallow
    @zombiepie said:

    I got to the Temple of the Ancients...this is a bad level. There's the M.C. Escher platforming bit...the asshole random encounters...then the clock puzzle...then the monster coming out of the doorways...and the bosses are the worst.

    FUCK THIS CLOCK PUZZLE! I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!?!?! AND ALL OF THE ENEMIES ARE DICKS! WHY IS THIS ON THE FIRST DISC?

    IT'S FUCKING FUCKED IS WHAT IT IS!

    Was this scene ever good? Is it just the Steam version of the game, or is The Temple of the Ancients just shitty?

    I'm going to be honest with you...I'm almost "broken." HELP!

    Believe it or not, that 'puzzle' was actually worse in the original Japanese version where you had no control over the movements! But I will agree with @beforet that the Temple of the Ancients is the worst point of the game as far as BS puzzles and annoying enemies go. I can see what they were going for to some extent with weird geometries and whatnot, but it's not good.

    It sounds like you got through it though. If so, then you're basically over the 'FF7 doesn't know how to do puzzles' peak and will only be running into the occasional mostly-unoffensive puzzle or minigame from here on out.

    Edit: IMO FF7 suffers the most of any FF from Square wanting to leverage new tech for minigames. People remember it fondly because all of those sections were revolutionary at the time, but I feel the best FF games are the last ones made on the 90s era platforms - 6 and 9 - because the team was most competent with the hardware and knew how to avoid the sort of mistakes you're seeing in 7.

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    ZombiePie

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    #29 ZombiePie  Staff

    I fucking got knocked down again while trying to pick up items on the clock puzzle.

    Oh boy that means that I get to battle those two bullshit dragons again.

    This is great...I love this. This is just a wonderful part of the game.

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    Rastopher

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    @zombiepie: Temple of the Ancients is probably the hardest part of the entire game. It was for me, anyways. The bosses are really rough and I usually end up putting my party in the back row for them. In case you're not aware, putting your dudes in the back row causes them to deal/take about half damage. The exception being ranged weapons like Barret's gun and magic. Then you just pelt the bosses with magic and keeping your health up becomes much more manageable.

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    soimadeanaccount

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    #31  Edited By soimadeanaccount

    The pacing and tone switch is weird since if you have been fighting then there's technically down time in between. Also dramatic juxtaposition is actually used pretty often in actual Japanese/Korean media sometimes to great effect.

    Attempting to even out the tone of the game lead to either adding in more fillers or keeps the whole thing to focus on just a handful of character beats. Putting minigames and puzzles in games are likely used to keep it from being a "go to the maker, kill a guy" gameplay, but I could see how they aren't necessary and some of them really needs a fucking guide.

    I wonder how big the difference of selecting party member makes in a semi-rush playthrough, in a extended game it really doesn't matter. Multi hit is king in FF7. a lot of the single hit limit breaks are kind of pointless (you usually get them in Disc 1). Watch for good yellow materia.

    You really need to experiment to see which does better damage. You might actually be able to use Vincent to great effect if your team is weak. I think exp is partially shared for off team members so they gain a fraction. I would actually say Vincent's side quest is also sort of important if not interesting at the very least in a manner that is beyond about just him, it is also easy to do.

    I think Speed affects character's response time so in long fights they get more turns. Some armor give bonus to stat but they won't tell you on the description, some weapons also give bonus (usually to magic I think), so keep checking the character stat screen. Some are pretty great giving like a 30 point boost.

    Some materia combo works in theory but not in practice, and they are usually the one that you would really want. Try linking some yellow materia with All, I think Deathblow works maybe Morph and Steal also.

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    ZombiePie

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    #32 ZombiePie  Staff
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    Jesna

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    @zombiepie: I'm pretty sure your materia is safely deposited back in your inventory. The equipment is gone for good.

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    beforet

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    @zombiepie: materia is certainly put back in your inventory. I don't know about equipment. What did she have?

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    #36  Edited By MechaMarshmallow

    @zombiepie: You don't lose your materia. You have lost your equipment temporarily. I believe you will get them back in a few hours, but if you really need it, you will have to replay that sequence. Keep in mind that aside from limited items like the ribbon, you'll probably be buying upgraded versions of whatever you lost before too long anyway.

    Edit: I was mistaken: You get the accessory she is wearing back, but the weapon and armour are gone forever. Since no one else can use staves, the only thing to consider is if that armour is super good.

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    soimadeanaccount

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    But you can sell stuff for cash money! Unless you actually bother to get ultimate weapon which is worth 1 I think.

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    wchigo

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    @zombiepie: I actually enjoyed doing all the side-quests in the game when I first played it but I'm sure I've probably outgrown that to a certain extent. However, I do have a bad tendency to try and be a perfectionist when playing through RPGs so I have this compulsive desire to ensure that I complete all side objectives, get all the ultimate weapons/moves, etc.

    The Chocobo breeding thing is definitely obtuse and time-consuming, but it's not terribly difficult. Some of it comes down to RNG as well, meaning you'll be doing some save scumming in order to try and cheese the results to what you want, lest you want to dump even more time than is necessary to reach the goal. For your sanity, I wouldn't really recommend you trying to get Knights of the Round, but I'd likely enjoy seeing you undertake that journey and also your reaction to the fruits of your labour.

    Regarding the regenerating stamina thing in races, that was indeed a thing in the original PC release of FFVII (I actually played the version before) but I can't remember what buttons I had to hold down to do that. Apparently it was R1+R2 in the PS version and from a cursory glance it seems like the button combination is [Page Down] + [End] in the great new keyboard control scheme.

    The Speed stat affects how quickly your ATB bar fills, though personally I've never really thought it had a noticeable effect. Spirit affects magic defence.

    I wouldn't worry too much about keeping party member levels completely even, though it might be advisable to keep an extra character somewhat close in level (it's an RPG and bullshit happens). Closer to the end game, there's a decent area you can grind at where a specific enemy gives a ton of exp and ap for beating them; I remember grinding at that area to get all my guys up to 99 (which is completely unnecessary) and also taking advantage of the high ap plus double equipment in order to max out a bunch of my materia.

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    @wchigo: 'The Speed stat affects how quickly your ATB bar fills, though personally I've never really thought it had a noticeable effect. Spirit affects magic defence.'

    Speed also affects physical evasion.

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    #40 ZombiePie  Staff

    @outlawtorn13: @alexl86: @encephalon: @loamlife: @lawgamer: @geraltitude: @thatpinguino: @shodan2020: @rastopher: @soimadeanaccount: @jesna: @beforet: @wchigo: @mechamarshmallow: @sparky_buzzsaw:@dankempster: I need to ask a bunch of dipshit idiot questions that only someone like myself needs to ask. I'll use this image to address my first batch of questions:

    No Caption Provided

    Question #1: So "Attack," "Defense," and "Magic" have a "regular" number and a percentage. What is the difference between the two? What does the regular attack number on top relate to, and how is it different and similar to the percentage number below it? That question also applies to the Defense and Magic stats.

    Question #2: A TON of you mentioned that Summons are a great resource not to squander in the game. My issue is that they take forever to level up. Which ones are worth leveling up? Are there any Materia that link to Summons? Which combinations are the best?

    Question #3: Should I be worried about grinding yet? Should I be grinding? Right now I'm at a level that has been reached as a result of progressing the main story and a few side quests only. I have not deliberately engaged in leveling and grinding at all. Should I rectify this, and if so where should be grinding? Is there a latter level in the game where this can be accomplished efficiently?

    Question #4: Related to the previous question is the amount of time I should be spending leveling up my Materia. I have yet to Master a single Materia yet, but are there any that I should go out of my way to master?

    Question #5: The Temple of Ancients...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ALL ABOUT? I MEAN WHO THE FUCK DESIGNED THAT GODDAMNED LEVEL?!?!?

    I ask all of this because many of the guides that I have been located are either intended for experts wishing to 100% the game, or engage in the meta-game of Final Fantasy VII. I have no interest in participating in either. I honestly just want to see what the game has to offer in its story and a few fun side adventures here and there.

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    LawGamer

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    #41  Edited By LawGamer

    Question 1: Attack/Defense% are your "hit" and "dodge" chances. The straight "Attack" stat is the actual strength of your physical attack.

    Question 2: If I remember correctly, Summons don't "link" to anything else. The increase in materia level just determines how many times you can summon a particular creature per battle. As far as leveling slowly, that goes for most materia early in the game. If you want things to level faster, be on the lookout for equipment with "double" or "triple" on it, as that doubles or triples the AP that gets applied to the materia equipped on it. By contrast, also look out for equipment with "none" or "no growth." That tends to be powerful stuff, but materia doesn't gain any AP if linked to that equipment.

    EDIT: The Copycat thing I mention below can be used on characters without the summon to repeat a summon used by another character on their turn. If I remember correctly, that isn't subject to the summon limit, since Copycat is technically a skill. Essentially it would allow you to get three summons out of a single level of the summon materia.

    Question 3: Depends on your tolerance for it, I guess. My strategy was always to stick near a new town and grind for money until I had enough to equip my entire party with the new "best" equipment for that stage of the game. The time I spent doing that usually resulted in me gaining enough character levels.

    Question 4: The "All" materia is worth a ton of money if you want to master it to sell the copies you get. Otherwise, it's kind of up to you and what materia you find most useful. I really liked the Double-Cut materia and the Copycat materia, since pairing those allows you to launch ridiculously powerful combos later in the game. I can't remember where you get them, though (it's been about 10 years since I last played through the game).

    Otherwise, I remember the combo of "Cover" and "Counter" together with "Luck" being pretty good. With "Cover" at a high enough level, the equipped character will tank just about every attack aimed at the party and then get a free counter-attack while the Luck stat will boost your chance of a critical hit. If you've got enough healing in the party, that strategy can work pretty well.

    Question 5: I dunno. My theory is they lock an intern in the basement and make him read the Necronomicon until he goes crazy, at which point they take his insane scribblings and make them into a level.

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    MechaMarshmallow

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    @zombiepie:

    Question #1: The percentage values are accuracy or dodge rates. The numerical ones are the raw damage/reduction. I don't know the exact maths behind it, but higher is better.

    Question #2: There are some materia that summons link to and they are great. MP Absorb will give you MP based on the damage you do with linked materia, and can be linked with your most powerful summon for much more efficiency. Turbo MP will increase the cost of the linked materia, but boost its power too. Elemental Hit and Added Effect will grant you either elemental attacks/ailment attacks based on the linked materia, or immunity/absorb to those effects.

    The best summons tend to be the ones with raw damage or cool effects. To list a few of these: Choco/Mog is wind elemental, amazing for pairing with Elemental Hit. Phoenix revives all party members and does massive damage. Hades does a lot of status effects for Added Effect linkage. The Bahamut line of summons do monster non-elemental damage.

    The best way to level materia up is to equip it on equipment with double or triple AP generation, although the best weapons in the game give no AP at all.

    Question #3: I never grind, but then I'm a JRPG nut and FF7 is an old reliable game for me, so I don't find the need to. My general suggestion is that if you find yourself running into a hard spot that you're really having trouble proceeding in, that's when you need to grind and no sooner. Sadly I don't know where you would do that.

    Question #4: I'd be surprised if you had mastered any materia at this point in the game. You get more AP from stronger enemies so you'll find yourself with none for some time, then suddenly mastering many materia out of nowhere. Good targets for mastery are 'utility' materia that will improve any character, such as double-cut or quadra-magic. Poor targets are powerful, MP-hogging summons that you can't afford to use heavily, and anything that you don't need more than one character to have equipped.

    Obviously, any materia with a max-level spell that seems appealing should be levelled up, regardless of whether or not you intend to use the newly created materia too.

    Question #5: My thinking is that it was the first time a FF game was made for a 3D console. They wanted to use the new gimmicky opportunities they had available to them but didn't know how to reconcile that with their previously 2D exclusive puzzle making experience. If you look at them, a lot of the really awful puzzles and minigames in FF7 would be a lot more effective in a 2D game where your character was always in lock-step with invisible tiles, and not so easy to carelessly wander off of a ledge.

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    beforet

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    @zombiepie: Basically what @lawgamer said. I'll just add that you really don't need to worry about actively leveling up Materia. As long as you keep the materia you actually want to use on your characters (so your restores, magic attacks, all etc), you'll get the higher levels of those.

    Each new summon you get is much better than the last, so really don't bother worrying about leveling them up until you have the ones you like. It's the same with other materia.

    Honestly, AP grinding is incredibly inefficient until literally the maybe 4th to last room in the game. It is just not worth it trying to grind anything out.

    Also, here are the best link combos for summons (you might not have some of these yet, so spoilers):

    Quadra Magic: this is the easiest Materia cave materia you can get due to a glitch. You cast the linked spell 4x. It does consume 4x the MP, but it's good to use for when you need huge damage all at once. Does not work with Knights of the Round.

    Final Attack: This is specifically good with a future summon, Phoenix. Phoenix revives downed allies, and it will revive whoever has this combo equipped too.

    HP Absorb: you get back 10% of the damage you inflict as HP. Great for summons.

    MP Absorb: you get back 1% of damage inflicted as MP. If you, by some miracle, get Knights of the Round, this is maybe the best one for that.

    There may be some better ones, but those are what make the most sense to link with summons.

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    soimadeanaccount

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    Another thing to keep an eye on about Attack% is that there's a few weapon that has 255% hit rate, they are great for Deathblow. You should have one for Vincent already, he is a weird character where the weaker your team is the stronger he seems, but the stronger your team is the weaker he seems.

    IMO grinding for summon alone isn't that useful except for a few, but if you are grinding already then might as well tag them along. Yes they are powerful and early on they are a good tool in boss fight and harder encounters, but if I recall only KotR is multi hit, and by the time you do heavy grinding most of your normal attacks especially with double hit could match if not exceed summon. Master Summon is great, but that's like super deep end grinding. Also, I don't remember if the game tells you, when you master a materia you get a fresh copy of the same materia, you can technically keep mastering them to get more copies.

    I think most materia that link to magic also link to summon. So Elemental and Added effects could be use offensively or defensively similar to their magic counterpart. Some might offers better stat bonus or less stat penalty than their magic counterparts. Some summons later on carry multiple element and status effects so they can be good defense.

    Combo like Quad magic and Mimic doesn't even become available until way later and need chocobo breeding to get to, I think quad can be glitch without chocobo.

    Grinding for AP isn't too bad with double growth weapon and armor which you should have access to now. There is an unique spot to grind for exp as soon as you can sail the shallow waters in disc one. Go to the Southeast part of the world and there should be an island with what looks like a town with two brown huts sticking out from a forest. You can't get to the town, but you can land on the island and start fighting enemies there. If you can take them on they are quite rewarding. There's also an afk leveling trick near here also but won't become available until later. There's also an exp plus materia, but again disc 2.

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    wchigo

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    @zombiepie: #3 - Unless you're having considerable trouble against the mobs, I don't think grinding for levels is necessary. It greatly depends on how you feel you are progressing and if you're doing fine, I wouldn't worry about it. I do have a tendency to do the same thing that @lawgamer mentioned in his post, so if you're concerned about the growth of your characters, maybe give that a shot.

    #4 - A lot of the good ones have already been mentioned so I'll just go into some more details about the "concept" of mastered materia. A huge late-game benefit to mastering materia is that it gives you the ability to combine all your mastered materia of a single type (i.e. - magic) into one super-duper materia. That materia is also free of any drawbacks (no reduction in hp, etc) and it's great to be able to combo this "super-duper materia" with something like 'All' so that all your magic spells are multi-target. This is extremely late game stuff so I wouldn't worry about it now (if at all for you) but it's quite a sweet benefit.

    Another aspect of mastering materia is that once you've achieved mastery of it, it decides to split off some part of it to create a new baby materia for you. So if you have Fire and you manage to get it to max level, it will create a level 1 Fire materia so you can start the process all over again! But seriously, it's good for rare materia that you cannot easily get ahold of.

    #5 - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was pretty good. Temples are cool. Doom is cool. Hey, let's make our own Temple of DOOM! ;D

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    Zirilius

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    #47  Edited By Zirilius

    You know what's funny is that almost 30 years ago when I was playing JRPG's on my NES I had the same thought about Heal vs Cure.

    In my mind you "Heal" wounds and you "Cure" diseases. Even as a kid I understood that. Now I've adapted and understand you Cure hitpoints and Esuna ailments.

    Also screw raising chocobos. Second worst part of the game for me but unfortunately necessary if you want to get Knights of the Round.

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    hassun

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    I'm having some flashbacks reading these. Man what an amazing game FFVII is. Just thinking back at Red XIII dressed as a Shinra soldier makes me smile.

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    GERALTITUDE

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    The temple of the ancients is awful, I have nightmares about that clock room. It was so hideous too at the time I really remember just being disgusted and hating my time there. It's definitely my least favourite part a game I otherwise love nearly top to bottom.

    I wouldn't worry about mastering material at all. I it happens it happens. No reason to seek it out unless you are taking on the optional bosses of the game. Later on you'll have faster travel around the map and you can worry about grinding AP then. Similarly, I wouldn't worry about grinding out levels until you hit a wall.

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    ZombiePie

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    #50 ZombiePie  Staff

    @soimadeanaccount: @thatpinguino is a die-hard believer in the idea that Vincent is one of the best characters in the game. I kind of see where he is coming from...sort of.

    @loamlife said:

    @zombiepie: You should be fine without grinding unless you REALLY want the awesome endgame master materia that way overkills enemies. As for materia to prioritize leveling up the all and restores should be your biggest ones. Other than that if you can get double cut maxed its insane but standard double cut is already really good and hp up materia are also great to level up. Besides that just grinding your enemy skill materia is the biggest concern.

    But honestly do I need to? Do I honestly need to give a crap about maxing out the characters and engaing in the game's deeper meta-game, or can I just continue to dick around?

    @lawgamer said:

    Question 4: The "All" materia is worth a ton of money if you want to master it to sell the copies you get. Otherwise, it's kind of up to you and what materia you find most useful. I really liked the Double-Cut materia and the Copycat materia, since pairing those allows you to launch ridiculously powerful combos later in the game. I can't remember where you get them, though (it's been about 10 years since I last played through the game).

    I noticed this on my journey, but is there a real genuine difference between the second and third level of the "All" Materia? To be honest I have noticed that the number of times where I genuinely need to cast a spell to every character more than once is rapidly declining.

    @zombiepie:

    The best summons tend to be the ones with raw damage or cool effects. To list a few of these: Choco/Mog is wind elemental, amazing for pairing with Elemental Hit. Phoenix revives all party members and does massive damage. Hades does a lot of status effects for Added Effect linkage. The Bahamut line of summons do monster non-elemental damage.

    The best way to level materia up is to equip it on equipment with double or triple AP generation, although the best weapons in the game give no AP at all.

    So wait...am I combining these summons with the Added Effect Materia on weapons or armor? I finally am wrapping my mind around which weapons are worth using and which ones are not.

    @beforet said:

    Quadra Magic: this is the easiest Materia cave materia you can get due to a glitch. You cast the linked spell 4x. It does consume 4x the MP, but it's good to use for when you need huge damage all at once. Does not work with Knights of the Round.

    Final Attack: This is specifically good with a future summon, Phoenix. Phoenix revives downed allies, and it will revive whoever has this combo equipped too.

    HP Absorb: you get back 10% of the damage you inflict as HP. Great for summons.

    MP Absorb: you get back 1% of damage inflicted as MP. If you, by some miracle, get Knights of the Round, this is maybe the best one for that.

    There may be some better ones, but those are what make the most sense to link with summons.

    So for all of those Materia I am placing them on a weapon and not an armor item, correct? Does it matter one way or the other?

    Also...I am going to attempt to get Knights of the Round. It sounds like it is a bit of a "right of passage" for anyone who plays Final Fantasy VII.

    @wchigo said:

    #4 - A lot of the good ones have already been mentioned so I'll just go into some more details about the "concept" of mastered materia. A huge late-game benefit to mastering materia is that it gives you the ability to combine all your mastered materia of a single type (i.e. - magic) into one super-duper materia. That materia is also free of any drawbacks (no reduction in hp, etc) and it's great to be able to combo this "super-duper materia" with something like 'All' so that all your magic spells are multi-target. This is extremely late game stuff so I wouldn't worry about it now (if at all for you) but it's quite a sweet benefit.

    Another aspect of mastering materia is that once you've achieved mastery of it, it decides to split off some part of it to create a new baby materia for you. So if you have Fire and you manage to get it to max level, it will create a level 1 Fire materia so you can start the process all over again! But seriously, it's good for rare materia that you cannot easily get ahold of.

    YOU GET A LEVEL 1 MATERIA WHEN YOU MASTER A SPECIFIC MATERIA?!?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

    WHY HAVE I BEEN BUYING MULTIPLE COPIES OF THE SAME LEVEL ONE MATERIA?!?!?!

    @zirilius said:

    You know what's funny is that almost 30 years ago when I was playing JRPG's on my NES I had the same thought about Heal vs Cure.

    In my mind you "Heal" wounds and you "Cure" diseases. Even as a kid I understood that. Now I've adapted and understand you Cure hitpoints and Esuna ailments.

    Also screw raising chocobos. Second worst part of the game for me but unfortunately necessary if you want to get Knights of the Round.

    RIGHT?! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN I SERIOUSLY WASTED MORE MONEY THAN I NEEDED ON ACCOUNT OF THIS MISUNDERSTANDING.

    @hassun said:

    I'm having some flashbacks reading these. Man what an amazing game FFVII is. Just thinking back at Red XIII dressed as a Shinra soldier makes me smile.

    It's so stupid, especially when you consider that in the very next scene we witness a dozen or so Shinra soldiers having already been massacred by Sephiroth. Every single comic-relief scene is immediately complimented with a scene where the tone of the game shifts towards a more serious subject matter. It's honestly one of the most off-putting aspects of the game.

    The temple of the ancients is awful, I have nightmares about that clock room. It was so hideous too at the time I really remember just being disgusted and hating my time there. It's definitely my least favourite part a game I otherwise love nearly top to bottom.

    I wouldn't worry about mastering material at all. I it happens it happens. No reason to seek it out unless you are taking on the optional bosses of the game. Later on you'll have faster travel around the map and you can worry about grinding AP then. Similarly, I wouldn't worry about grinding out levels until you hit a wall.

    ALL THEY NEEDED TO DO WAS HIRE ONE PROGRAMMER THAT KNOWS HOW TO DEVELOP PUZZLES! WAS THAT HONESTLY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

    Look...I played Myst and from that point would call myself a fan of the 90s era of adventure games. These are not good puzzles! There's no conceit, or logic to the parts of the environment that you need to examine in order to understand what you need to accomplish or solve. The clock puzzle is solved simply by your ability to move its arms and explore every room that you can. There's nothing anywhere to suggest where you should go for the next room.

    Anyways, how long is Disc Two? I'll direct that towards everyone.

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