Part 0: Oh God What Have I Done?
I have spent 125 hours of my life playing Final Fantasy VIII. The Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run played a large role in inflating this number. My contribution to this charity effort was beating the game over the course of three days. What could possibly go wrong?
My idea was sound. Romp through a game I had already beaten, whilst using several gameplay exploits to expedite my journey. I had estimated that finishing Final Fantasy VIII would take no longer than thirty hours. This meant I had to commit ten hours between three days. This sounded doable on paper. All I needed to do was put into practice what I had learned from my first playthrough. I was so confident I even promised you, my lovely viewers, I would play the game for twenty-four hours!
I was wrong. I was so wrong. It took me 1 day, 12 hours, 58 minutes, and 53 seconds to complete Final Fantasy VIII. That is approximately thirty-seven hours! At one point two users had to convince me to give up on my twenty-four-hour promise. On the third day, I called Gino to guide me through the last phases of Final Fantasy VIII. The game broke me. It broke my morale. It broke my spirit. It broke my body.
The following blog is a play-by-play analysis of my archive. One brief word of warning if you decide to watch my videos. This was the second time I live streamed a video game. I make no promises the stream is of a high quality or even watchable.
Part 1: The First Hour
Author's Note: Please start this stream at the 15:00 mark. Also, be aware the audio balance for Parts 1 and 2 is REAL BAD!I adjusted this for the later parts, but you have been warned.
Changing the names of the characters and GFs ruined everything. Being forced to rename Squall “Selphie” FUCKED ME UP! Here's a list of the nameable characters, GFs, and items during my stream:
- Squall = "Selphie"
- Rinoa = "Lil B"
- Angelo (the dog) = "PJ"
- Griever (the Lion/Ring) = "Zell"
- Quezacotl = "Zapdos"
- Shiva = "Selfie"
- Ifrit = "Quistis"
- Siren = "Shakira"
- Brothers = "GOT2FLOAT"
- Diablos = "Tidus"
- Carbuncle = "Rinoa"
- Leviathan = "HOTDOG"
- Pandemona = "WEED"
- Cerberus = "ShumiPupu"
- Alexander = "MsRruwrer"
- Doomtrain = "Quake Guy"
- Bahamut = "BestFFis8"
- Jumbo Cactuar = "Ryan Davis"
- Tonberry = "Selphie"
- Eden = "YOLO420"
This ruined a number of story moments in the game. While Rinoa and Squall were having their Shakespearean trysts, I was laughing my guts out. I want the record to show that one of the final battles in Final Fantasy VIII involved Selphie, Selphie, and Zell against Zell. THAT’S FUCKED!
I also forgot how abhorrently terrible the in-game tutorials are. There are a dozen tutorial sequences, and each is presented the same. Quistis pulls Squall to the side and drones about an important mechanic as a slideshow plays. The contrivance here is that the changes during these tutorials are not real. The player mimics these concepts on their own to master them. Worst of all, the game doesn’t bother to open complimentary mechanics as early as it should. Learning how to junction magic to your attributes is fine. The problem is this occurs before you have magic worth a fuck.
Another issue is what Final Fantasy VIII fails to tell you. There are entire mechanics not addressed in the game. Did you know you can use Triple Triad to avoid drawing spells? Or how about the item refining system? Even the most asinine object can play an important role in your playthrough. The only way for you to know this, is if you test these concepts on your own.
Part 2: Beating Disc One
Author's Note: The audio balance for Part 1 and 2 is REAL BAD! I adjusted this for the next parts, but you have been warned.
I had estimated that completing disc one would take me seven hours. I was off my mark by almost two hours. This was despite my best efforts to be an expert on Final Fantasy VIII’s first handful of hours. Grinding water spells from fish fins? CHECK! Stealing the Zell Card from Mama Dincht? CHECK! Mastering Zell’s Limit Break? CHECK! For as much as I may belly-ache, the first two discs were a relative breeze until my body gave out. Until my vain attempts to tackle the side quest nonsense in the game, I avoided the dreaded “Game Over” screen with relative ease.
There are two sequences in disc one I have never enjoyed. The first point of contention was the Tomb of the Unknown King. Navigating the labyrinth is a laborious task, and the game’s byzantine line of logic doesn’t make the experience any better. The culminating confrontation with the Brothers is no small task either… especially if you steadfastly refuse to use “Float.” The other black mark during my day one stream was the sewer sequence during the assassination mission. I hated it then and still hate it now. The sewers are a nightmare to navigate. Worse, it is a chore to figure out where the game wants you to go and how.
What is there to say about the story? First, I want to say the first disc is an odd mish-mosh of disparate themes and plot points. The story begins with Squall becoming a child soldier in a mysterious for-profit organization. Somehow, this results in him getting entangled in assassinating a sorceress. Be that as it may, the first disc is the game’s strongest narrative showcase. The game operates within the realm of its own reason and develops a growing sense of mystery. Let’s not deny how effectively the first disc ends. With Squall out of commission and Edea victorious, the game does a wonderful job of motivating you to see what is next.
No discussion of Final Fantasy VIII’s story would be complete without a passing mention of Laguna. I still view the Laguna sequences as being superior to Squall’s story. With Laguna we witness a sense of brotherhood develop between himself and his compatriots. Laguna’s romantic entanglements are another treat. While Squall’s romance is a boorish exercise in “plot by convenience,” Laguna’s romances are multifaceted and touching. They succeed in large part because they embrace the "human element" of love.
Part 3: The Undoing Of A Man
I went to bed after my first stream around 2 a.m. I woke up to play Final Fantasy VIII around 8:30 a.m. Starting what is a twenty-four-hour video game stream with six hours of sleep was a bad idea. By the time I called off my 24-hour stream I had a throbbing headache and a strong desire to vomit. Do as I say, and not as I do.
SO LET’S TALK ABOUT VIENNA SAUSAGES! My food based “challenge” was a moronic endeavor. I ended up consuming the contents of a single can, and let me tell you, I regret it to this day. My stomach was turning over by the time the stream ended. It was thoroughly rejecting the sausages when I went to bed. I would like to mention how after opening the first can, the sausages changed color after an hour. They started out as pale pink and then turned neon bright after being exposed to the air. That’s not distressing at all.
Disc two is mostly a disappointment with a few exceptions. Watching the Garden become a flying airship provides a breathtaking spectacle. I would even hazard to say the Garden battle is the best scene in the game. But these moments are too few and far between. Both the prison and missile base sequences play out for what feels like an eon. Both curtail the momentum the game built following the conclusion of the first disc. The end result is Final Fantasy VIII feels aimless during its middle chapter.
The true "highlight" is the concert scene. In what is the game’s most bizarre moment, it drops everything to have the cast fawn over Squall for no goddamned reason in particular. This scene is an absolute train wreck. Squall has done nothing to earn a loving performance by his party members. Neither has he done anything to warrant Rinoa’s concern and romanticism. But the scene plays out despite all evidence pointing to the contrary. It is one of the best/worst scenes in video game history.
Part 4: I Should Have Stopped
This is where I fell apart. Full disclosure, at one point I started hallucinating. My eyes and head were throbbing in agony. I was in no physical state to continue playing video games. I continued to play Final Fantasy VIII for another eleven and a half hours. Why didn’t I listen to the angel on my shoulder, and stop? Mistakes were made.
Final Fantasy VIII's insufficient direction drives me insane. On multiple occasions, you can see me struggling to locate the “triggers” to progress the story. I LOVE the Garden battle scene. The Garden battle is one of the strongest visuals the game offers, and it is one of the few occasions where it can make good on its own insanity. Paratroopers who use rocket-powered motorcycles? Sure, why the fuck not! However, it is the worst offender regarding my issue of direction. The game asks you to locate another cast member without informing you where to look. Moments like these drag scenes out far longer than they should.
It would behoove me to mention the orphanage scene. I still feel comfortable calling this one of the worst plot twists in Final Fantasy history. It reeks of someone attempting to write themselves out of a hole. What little logic the story had been functioning on gets thrown away. I cannot help but view it as a “which came first?” paradox. Did the writers want the cast to be interconnected, and this allowed them to do so? Or, did the writers always want this scene from the get-go, and everything preceding it was filler? Whatever the answer may be, it's a terrible development. Learning of the cast's interconnected nature is contrived and far too convenient for my tastes.
Then there's the Galbadian soldier minigame. While I recall hating this minigame when I first played it, I do not recall it being a major impediment to my progress. Then again, the circumstances this time around are extraordinary. While Final Fantasy VIII deserves credit for not subjecting you to “minigame Hell,” the ones that are here are painful. That the developers saw fit to include this exact minigame TWICE is mind boggling.
Part 5: Final Fantasy VIII Is A Dark Torment Of Pain
Author's Note: This was recorded during my ill-fated attempt to play Final Fantasy VIII for 24 hours non-stop. I failed. This where the game literally breaks me, and I am physically a mess. Don't do this at home!
This is where you can tell how exhausted I was. My commentary becomes reduced to a handful of grunts and moans. I struggled to complete even the most benign tasks in Final Fantasy VIII. At some point, my viewers had to convince me to stop my ill-fated twenty-four-hour promise and get rest before making my final effort to complete this game. To those of you who did this, I owe you a debt of gratitude. You may well have saved my life.
I’m coming around to Squall. I still feel he’s an incessant piss-baby, but I don’t think he’s as bad as I characterized him the first time around. The scene where Squall picks up an unconscious Rinoa, to walk her to Esthar, is when I realized this. Squall acts impulsively, believes he has the world figured out, and is indignant about his beliefs. This fits Squall being a teenager. The only issue is he doesn't develop beyond his original tropes until the literal last hour of the game.
Navigating through Esthar is a downright painful task, BUT IT ALLOWS US TO GO TO SPACE! I think I overplayed the orphanage scene and underplayed what occurs in space on my original blog series. While in Esthar’s massive space station, you discover a sarcophagus for the sorceress Adel, and a moon populated by monsters. It is all stupid schlock. I suspect the design team of Final Fantasy VIII had their locations planned out before their story. I have a hunch they designed several set pieces to include in the game before starting the writing process.
Then I attempted the two hardest sidequests. The Deep Sea Research Facility and Doomtrain lost more of my progress than any other part of the game. Getting Doomtrain is possibly the worst fetch quest in video game history. Things got worse when I attempted the Deep Sea Research Facility. While attempting to complete the mission, I listened to Zell when I shouldn’t have. This resulted in the game’s hardest enemies being unleashed on an empty shell of a man. They handed me my ass so many times I did not understand what to do. I was broken, and went to bed dejected.
Part 6: Are You There God? It’s Me, ZombiePie
Giving up on the Deep Sea Research Facility wasn’t exactly my proudest moment. If we are being honest, I probably should have been more selective about the side quests for my live stream. If I had been smarter, I would have just done the main story missions. Playing the last moments of Final Fantasy VIII, for nine hours and without a break, was a bad call on my part.
Fuck Ultimecia’s Castle! That level is BULLSHIT! Removing each of the player’s abilities until they have defeated several bosses is about as contrived as you can get. It hurts that knowing what to do in the castle is like trying to read Latin the first time. From fetching random keys to the bullshit painting puzzle, Ultimecia’s Castle is a complete slog. It doesn’t help that saving your game is a locked ability until you win it back. The boss rush isn’t a slouch either. Each enemy requires a great deal of patience to beat properly.
Let’s talk about Omega Weapon. I have no fucking idea how I beat Omega Weapon on my first try. Yeah, I used my Holy Wars to beat Omega Weapon, but this alone does not explain my luck. It’s not as if I had been playing the game at a high level either. Exhausted and fed up with the game’s bullshit, I resorted to spamming Zell’s Limit Break. You can’t exactly blame me!
I forgot how fucked up your final battle with Ultimecia is. Having the game randomly select which three party members you use is horseshit. Each of her forms could level my ill-manned party with ease. Between Griever having a final attack which inflicts over 7,000 damage, or Ultimecia’s final form destroying your magic junctions, the final battle is a bore. Thank goodness for my remaining Holy Wars, right?
I will never defend Final Fantasy VIII’s ending. It is a fever dream someone put into a video game. It is a series of bizarre visuals with no context. But it’s the best way to end Final Fantasy VIII! No game swings, misses, and keeps on swinging like Final Fantasy VIII. As a package, Final Fantasy VIII is an unmitigated failure. Its gameplay is hilariously broken, its story is a trash fire, and it is a slog to play. However, there is no game like Final Fantasy VIII. It is so earnest about what it attempts and fails to accomplish. I cannot help but look at the game with a sense of broken nostalgia. I realize it's not a great game, but I love it. You would have to be crazy to want to play Final Fantasy VIII, and that is exactly why you should.
Part X: What Did I Learn?
Well for one, if there's no Waffle House near you, just get the same experience by stealing a continental breakfast from a Motel 6 and eating it in a gas station bathroom. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh, Final Fantasy VIII?
I’m never doing this again. Thirty plus hours playing a single game? FUCK THAT! If I was to play video games for charity, this is what I would do instead:
- Play more than one game.
- Sleep more than six hours before starting a video game stream.
- Play a BETTER Final Fantasy game.
- Take breaks every three hours; instead of every six hours.
- Practice playing a game more than once.
- Do not do a food challenge.
- Don’t play a JRPG for over fifteen hours in one day.
- Play a WORSE Final Fantasy game.
- Hydrate
- Question if this is what you want to do with your life.
All joshing aside, I am grateful I did this. I raised over $1,000 of my $800 goal. To all who made this possible, thank you so much for your support.
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