Part 116: It is the Final Countdown

We have finally reached the final stretch of Final Fantasy VIII my dear readers! At the steps of Ultimecia’s Castle the location immediately smacks the player across the face with its main conceit. Players have their “useful” abilities stripped from them once entering the castle. In order to regain these abilities players must first defeat all of the mini-bosses located within the castle. Each boss allows the player to “unlock” an ability of their choice once they have defeated them.

My understanding is that these mini-bosses are essentially Ultimecia’s posse or lap dogs, much like Seifer from earlier, but in this situation they are sentient monsters. Why these sentient monsters are lock and step with Ultimecia is beyond me. While I would normally decry that it behooves any game to develop an explanation as to why the game’s antagonist has supporters in the first place, we have to remember that this is Final Fantasy VIII. The game still has thoroughly failed to extrapolate why Ultimecia is evil in the first place. Oh and by the way, the character design for these mini-bosses is BONKERS! I mean look at this cross between a Sphinx and Rainbow Brite:

Now why do I mention these character designs in the first place? Well, because they provide for an incredibly awkward juxtaposition between the boss designs and Ultimecia’s Castle. Ultimecia’s Castle is this ornate and gothic building that evokes a feeling similar to a Mary Shelly or Bram Stoker novel. The castle feels as if it could have been copied and pasted from Victorian era horror. Then, you fight these brightly colored neon monsters that Final Fantasy VIII is apt to throw at your direction, and I’m just left with my hands in the air in disgust. While this does not entirely “ruin” the thematic feel of Ultimecia’s Castle, it sure does not help. Instead, what this does is remind you that narrative consistency is one of Final Fantasy VIII’s weakest points.

Here is one quick warning though about a recurring theme that you, my wonderful readers, will notice on this blog post. One aspect of Ultimecia’s Castle that truly “grinds my gears” is how exhaustively Ultimecia manages to bungle her “job” of eliminating Squall and company. Take for example the magical hex that blocks you from being able to cast magic or perform limit breaks. Why in the world would Ultimecia have her lackeys be the “key” to weakening this potent spell? If we are being especially hypercritical, why does not Ultimecia just blow up the entire castle, whilst it is populated by Squall and company, while transporting herself to a different timeline or dimension? Ultimecia is essentially a time bending sorceress, correct? So the moment that Ultimecia has so much as a HUNCH that MAYBE Squall is getting close to defeating her…why wouldn’t she just use her magic to reset the timeline, and try again? Why doesn’t Ultimecia just go back in time and kill Squall when he was a fetus? Why does Ultimecia essentially set herself up for this pitched battle against a fully prepared and trained Squall that is complimented with an entire party of child soldiers; one of whom, might I remind you, IS A FUCKING SORCERESS!

Part 117: Fighting More Bosses That Add Nothing to the Game

I know that this might sound harsh, but none of the mini-bosses that you fight at Ultimecia’s Castle seem especially “important.” That is not to say that they are all a cakewalk, but without any previous scene where it was established that Ultimecia was recruiting an army to support her maniacal plans for world domination, these battles feel…soulless. Who are these monsters and why are they supporting Ultimecia? Furthermore, HOW are these monsters supporting Ultimecia? What do these monsters have to gain from supporting Ultimecia? Now I know what a lot of you are about to say, “ZombiePie these characters are explained in greater detail in the in-game manual!” Now for those of you that do not know any better, this advice is entirely correct.

That said I want you to stop and think about what you have just said. Stop for a minute, and THINK about what you have just asked me to do. In order to understand what any of these fucking animals are…I have to look up their in-game biographies after defeating them. As you may expect, I am decidedly NOT OKAY WITH THAT! Now do not get me wrong. I enjoy a good in-game codex. I spent hours upon hours immersing myself in the Mass Effect codices whenever playing a game from that particular franchise. That said, an in-game codex should be there to provide extra information that is nice “window-dressing,” An in-game codex is NOT how you convey essential information that makes the story work.

However, here I am once expressing a level of exasperation regarding Final Fantasy VIII that will ultimately get me nowhere. If the game is not going to bother to “give a damn” for any of its secondary cast, then odds are that it is not going to “give a damn” with its secondary antagonists. I can only imagine how the game is going to shoehorn a character arc on Ultimecia at the last moment.

Part 118: Can We Talk About How Ultimecia’s Castle was Designed by Assholes?

Navigating Ultimecia’s Castle is a horrible nightmare. Yet again, we have a set piece that highlights how annoyingly designed most of the environments in Final Fantasy VIII are. The designers of Final Fantasy VIII had the common courtesy of placing the first mini-boss right in front of you, but where you go from there is up to you to discover. Once again, 1990s era video game design rears its ugly head in this circumstance. With that, players are thrust into Ultimecia’s Castle, seriously curtailed in regards to their abilities, with no real direction as to where they should go next. Certainly, the players are supposed to assume that they should enter the door that the rainbow Sphynx was guarding, but there are other doors and avenues for you to explore and aimlessly wander in.

Now the directionless nature of the castle I can tolerate alone, but as this is Final Fantasy VIII there are other flies that contaminate this bowl of pudding. Firstly, you have to split your part up into groups. This is always a maniacal bore as it constantly forces you to switch junctions, when you regain that ability, between your two parties. On TWO OCCASSIONS I had my party trounced due to the fact that I engaged a mini-boss with a party that I forgot to transfer junctions to.

The second “wrench” that the game throws to complicate your journey is the song and dance that you have to go through just to be able to encounter all of these mini-bosses. Because someone at Square-Enix was entirely confident in their abilities at designing adventure games, most of the time you have to perform some sort of byzantine task just to be graced by the mere presence of these neon colored abominations. Oh, and by “byzantine” I actually mean that you have to think exactly like the developer in order to get past these puzzles.

Part 119: The Chandelier of Doom and Fighting the Robot Dragon

After the rainbow Sphynx your second mini-boss should be simple enough. After entering the door that the Sphinx was guarding you immediately encounter a chandelier, which will quickly become the PLAGUE OF YOUR EXISTENCE! Once you inch your entire party onto it immediately collapses to a lower level in the castle. There the game forces players to interact with an obscure panel on the floor in order to descend a spiral staircase because THIS GAME WAS MADE IN THE NINTIES!

Now, once you have completely descended the staircase you discover that you are in Ultimecia’s wine cellar. Hey, even villains need to get their drink on from time to time. I mean what do you think Ultimecia is doing right this instance, whilst Squall and company are helplessly wandering inside her castle? Well she sure as Hell is NOT attacking and eliminating the other half of Squall’s party. Which might I add have no items, junctions, or equipment right now! Instead she’s probably just drinking a glass of cabernet sauvignon and chilling.

Down in the wine cellar you encounter this robot dragon, or at least I think it is a robot dragon. This monster talked in all capital letters, zoomed around as it was a helicopter, and attacked my party using electricity based spells exclusively. Luckily, I received some clutch advice from my Final Fantasy Sherpa, and as a result, my party was able to absorb all of this monster’s electrical attacks with ease.

Part 120: I Fought a Flying Crystal Ghost Monster…I Think

Stuck in the cellar your party is required to switch to B-Team immediately. With one team having already come crashing down the chandelier, now it appears to be entirely stable! After crossing it you walk up a door and encounter a crystal ghost looking monster that immediately dispatches your party because you forgot to junction B-Team.

In my quest to defeat this boss, I ended up summoning Eden. Now for those of you that do not know or are entirely unaware, the Eden summons takes a minute and thirty seconds to cast. I was not aware of this, and thought that I was witnessing a cutscene. The Eden summon is about as undisciplined as it gets when it comes to editing.

Once again this takes a MINUTE AND A HALF! Also, what the fuck is Eden? Is she a sentient ship? Is she a flying robot? Is Eden meant to look like a living embodiment of the Gardens? I DON’T CARE ANYMORE BECAUSE THE GAME DOESN’T CARE ANYMORE!

Part 121: The Fucking Art Gallery Puzzle

Before we get to the meat and bones on how FUCKED the gallery room is I’m going to spend a minute discussing how this game managed to waste a literal twenty minutes of my time. So here’s a picture of my problem:

Now I will have you know that I was running around in circles, because I could not find a way to get to those stairs on the right hand side of the screen. Once again, I got confused as to what was a part of the foreground versus the background in Final Fantasy VIII. As a result, I thought that I had encountered a dead end in the game when it was actually the only possible avenue to my next set piece. Instead of getting to where Quistis is standing I could not relocate my party to the correct position to where they could walk down the pathway to the lower level, and get to the gallery room. To that, I wish to condemn whoever made this screen to a slap on the face. Not an entirely “harsh” punishment, as we are about to get to the most damning moment of Ultimecia’s Castle, but an appropriate punishment nonetheless.

The Gallery Room puzzle is a very bad puzzle that was designed by bad people who should go back to video game design school. You start off by entering this inexplicable art gallery in Ultimecia’s Castle, because hey I guess Ultimecia enjoys art as well as wine. From there the game subjects you to what I can only describe to be one of the most mind-numbingly byzantine puzzles I have seen in a good long time. Now I enjoy adventure games, and as a result I have experienced my good share of bad puzzles. While I cannot declare this to be the worst puzzle that I have ever been subjected to in a video game, I sure as Hell did not enjoy trying to solve it nonetheless!

I would like to inform all of my readers that I only had a few hints here and there from my Sherpa when in this room. I also, out of principal, did not look up the solution to this puzzle via a guide. As a result, it took me a solid twenty to thirty minutes to get out of this room. However, might I add that I was kicking and screaming during every minute of this excruciating exercise in video game design?

You enter this room and it contains a myriad of paintings strewn across two levels. My first gut reaction was to interact with all of the paintings in the gallery room. Eventually I discovered that there was a large landscape artwork in the back of the room. Interacting with this artwork reveals that you are prompted to “title” it using three names from the smaller artworks found in the room. My reaction to this was to inspect the larger artwork and try to “match” icons from it to three smaller artworks in the room.

After approximately fifteen minutes of trial and error, I discovered that this was incorrect and getting me nowhere. This resulted in me going back to my more “primal” adventure game instincts. My second hypotheses was that there must be an object, or piece of furniture, in the room that essentially gave away the solution to the puzzle. Once again going to my adventure game instincts, I assumed that the object was either a large clock or a bureau of some sort. Scouring both floors of the art gallery resulted in me discovering that there were no pieces of furniture in the room that I could interact with. It was at this point that I just gave up and asked for the answer from penguin, and my immediate reaction to the solution was total and complete frothing RAGE!

So what was the real final answer to this puzzle? The gallery's floor has a picture of a clock with hands pointing to VIII, IV, and VI. These values refer to three specific paintings that contain those particular Roman Numerals: VIII for "Vividarium," IV for "Intervigilium," and VI for "Viator". The player then enters those three titles in that exact order. The answer was essentially starring me in the face, but I just wasn’t able to put all of the pieces together thanks to Final Fantasy VIII’s bullshit graphics and art design. Now I know that I have touched upon how confusing it can be to determine what part of the screen is the foreground versus the background before. Well, here is yet another example of this issue rearing its ugly head. I saw the floor and the clock design, but didn’t think anything of it. The numbers on the paintings found in the art gallery? I had the same reaction as well. Now I understand that this may come across as “belly aching,” but not being able to solve this puzzle is NOT my fault! I say that because there is no puzzle like this in Final Fantasy VIII prior to this room, and as a result the game never prepares for you to solve some Myst ass shit like this. Additionally, unless you were the designer of this puzzle I feel confident in saying that you have no hope in solving this puzzle without some form of help.

Then this golden robot just pops out of nowhere and attacks me. Why did it wait until AFTER I had solved the painting puzzle to attack me? Why didn’t it attack me whilst my back was turned and I was distracted with paintings? Did the puzzle summon the robot? How did solving the puzzle summon the robot to appear? Are these paintings part of a collection, or are they artworks created by Ultimecia? Why didn’t Ultimecia pump poisonous gas into this room whilst I was stuck trying to solve the gallery puzzle? Why is any of this happening right now?

So Trauma is another robot monster, and I did what any logical person would do in this circumstance…I summoned another robot to fight it in the form of Alexander. At least I think Alexander is a robot. MAN I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!Here are some awesome screen caps of Alexander fucking up Trauma.

I know that I have asked this before, but I am going to ask it again, what the fuck was Ultimecia doing while all of this was happening? Why isn’t one of her minions attacking the party stuck in the wine cellar that also happens to be un-junctioned? Why doesn’t she just blow up the castle? How about pumping poisonous gas in the wine cellar?

Part 122: Some Bullshit with Keys and Robots (AGAIN!)

Once Trauma is down for the count, you switch back to A-Team. Here A-Team is expected to lock itself in a prison cell and immediately locate the key that allows for them to escape said prison cell. Why would you put the prison key conveniently inside the same prison cell which I can only anticipate is meant to lock people up as a punishment? I have no idea.

I grab this “Prison Key” only to be pounced by ANOTHER robot looking monster. Luckily, this giant suit of armor has a distinct weakness when it comes to Diablos. Once “Red Giant” was down for the count I went on a long winded journey to locate even more keys in order to progress the story. I am honestly not joking about that last sentence.

On one occasion there was a key that was placed precariously on a rickety walkway. Not knowing how to walk slowly I knocked this key down before I could acquire it. On top of that, the game required that I pick up a “Treasure Vault Key” from a random fountain. Bonus points to the game for actually having a glowing animation that provides hints as to where these keys are, but I deduct double those points for requiring that I aimlessly wander in Ultimecia’s Castle, one of the coolest set pieces thus far, picking up FUCKING KEYS!

Do you want to know what would have been cool? It would have been interesting if you, as the audience, saw human beings enslaved by Ultimecia toiling away in the construction of her castle. Another good idea would have been to show some evidence of what the real world implications of Ultimecia being the supreme leader of the world were. Don’t you DARE give me that “the world collapsed in on itself and everything is destroyed as a result of Ultimecia using Time Compression,” NONSENSE! All of these proposals would have replaced such migraine inducing gibberish. Here is another interesting idea that the game could have done! How about have each room in Ultimecia’s Castle provide a hint as to what caused her downfall to the “dark side.” From here the game could slowly, but surely, build up what the actual character of Ultimecia is. That is all I am really asking for right now! Give me a villain that is an actual character who I can at least follow their thought process for!

However, let us get back to Ultimecia’s Castle. Final Fantasy VIII has this FANTASTIC castle set piece and absolutely WASTES it by having players pick up mindless nonsense, blow through pointless bosses, and solving benign painting puzzles. Locations should create mood and tone, and in this case, while Ultimecia’s Castle is certainly interesting to look at it ends up coming across as a half-baked end piece. So much more could have been made of this impressive location, but nothing ever really happens here other than you beat a bunch of monster that you have no clue as to what they are or why they are here. I understand if you use “Scan” you discover that most of these enemies are weapons that Ultimecia literally gave life to, but once again think about the implications of that. I have to do the actual busy work just to find out what most of these enemies are made out of or why they are loyal to Ultimecia!

This is all frustrating, rather than rage inducing. I would have loved to know more about Ultimecia’s motivations leading up to my final confrontation with her. That would have done more to add some much-needed stakes to all of these battles. Instead, none of these battles feel like they matter or are of the greatest importance, and if anything else feel more like hindrances and filler. This is most likely NOT the intended effect that Square wanted to have on its audience during Final Fantasy VIII’s last “Boss Rush,” but that is how I felt when playing through it.

Part 123: Oh Yeah…Back to These Bosses

The next battle is with a giant mummy because…I guess they ran out of ideas when it came to boss character design. I am not going to lie; this guy actually cleaned my clock a couple of times. Thus far I have not had the best of luck when it comes to enemies that have status ailment attacks, and this giant mummy was no exception.

After dispatching the mummy Squall and company were off to ANOTHER dimly lit compartment in Ultimecia’s Castle in order to fight yet another monster that has little consequence to the story. Have I mentioned how all of this feels like “filler,” yet? My hunch at this point is that the fourth disc is almost entirely comprised of CGI cutscenes related to the conclusion as well as the ending. However, the developers knew that they could not just have the battle with Ultimecia be the only real fight on Ultimecia’s Castle so they put all of these battles in here as a result. Maybe they thought that if there were no boss battles prior to Ultimecia this threatening and ominous castle would feel lifeless and void of danger. The only problem is, as I have hinted at before, none of these battles really matter or are interesting in and of themselves. I guess the character design for this giant mummy was neat…it was kind of cool when it transformed into its final form, but I cannot help but raise my ultimate issue with all of these battles: why is any of this happening? Is there a point to me getting invested in beating any of these monsters? If so, where do I find this information?

Part 124: More Bullshit Platforming and Oh Hey There’s a Dragon

Now we are down to the last of Ultimecia’s lapdogs and then it is off to our “final confrontation.” Before we can even think about that we have yet another battle with Final Fantasy VIII’s foreground. You see, once you defeat the giant red dog monster Final Fantasy VIII whisks you off to the clock tower of Ultimecia’s castle…because I guess she needs to be able to tell what time it is despite having complete control over time. When you reach the very top of the tower you actually have to jump onto the clock towers’ pendulum in order to get to the other side. The problem is that you have no idea what position the game wants you to be in when jumping onto the pendulum. Once you line up your pixels EXACTLY RIGHT you finally get to the other side and start your battle with a blue dragon looking thing.

Oh and Gilgamesh appeared during this battle and killed the blue dragon for me! That was cool:

With the slog of mini-bosses behind us we can finally get to the final confrontation with Ultimecia, right? Wait…you mean to tell me that there’s ANOTHER BOSS that I can fight on Ultimecia’s Castle? Does it have something to do with that ominous purple cloud next to the staircase leading up to the clock tower? Oh no!

Part 1: I Do Something Incredibly Stupid

With the battle with Ultimecia nigh my Sherpa ordered that I stop all story related progress that I had in order to begin my ill-fated quest to defeat Omega Weapon. Now eagle-eyed readers may find that last sentence a bit surprising as in an earlier episode I stated that I was not going to attempt to defeat Omega Weapon. Now I would like to clarify that I did NOT go about beating Omega Weapon in an honorable or legitimate way. For those wondering why that was the case here’s my checklist:

1. Number of Lion Hearts in Squall’s Possession: ZERO
2. Number of Ultimate Weapons at My Disposal: ZERO
3. Number of Meltdowns at My Disposal: ZERO
4. Number of Party Members with Max Health: ZERO
5. Number of Party Members at the Level Cap: ZERO
6. Ability to Perform Zell’s Limit Break Manually: TOTAL GARBAGE

As you can see from my points above, I simply did not have any hope of defeating Omega Weapon legitimately. So what did do instead? Why I cheated dear readers! Now how do you cheat beating the hardest boss in Final Fantasy VIII? Well here’s my step by step guide on making the magic happen:

STEP	Visual Evidence
Step #1: Refine the Gilgamesh card into ten Holy Wars. A single Holy War will grant temporary invincibility for your entire party. The effects of a single Holy War is not permanent.
Step #2: Refine the Bahamut card into 100 Megaelixirs. This may have been overkill, but I did it just in case the battle with Ultimecia got “hairy.” I mean seriously have you seen what her hairstyle has been up to since the beginning of the game?
Step #3: Have Selphie in your party, and preferable have Selphie in Limit Break mode.
Step #4: Go through the song and dance of “summoning” Omega Weapon. That means that the player must place the chosen battle team on the switch point near the fountain and use the other team to ring the bell outside the gallery, which activates a short timer in which you can run up and fight Omega Weapon.
Step #5: Do not forget to use a Holy War on your first turn as Omega Weapon has the ability to cast Meteor and Megiddo Flame, and those spells are NO JOKE!
Step #6: When it is Selphie’s turn select her Limit Break…and keep rolling until you get “THE END.”
Step #7: Accept a soul-crushing amount of luck and die about twenty to thirty times.
Step #8: Get “The End” to appear
Step #9: Cast “The End” on Omega Weapon.
Step #10: Laugh
Step #11: Go to the Menu and Locate the “Proof of Omega”

OKAY FINE I WILL ADMIT THAT I CHEATED! I used a handful of items and a certain Limit Break to essentially “Brute Force” my way to victory, rather than employ a skillful understanding of Final Fantasy VIII’s mechanics or systems. That said beating Omega Weapon “legitimately” was never a possibility for me. Look…I’m not the one who gave Selphie an attack that essentially kills everything and anything on the screen in one attack! Blame the game, not the player as they say!

Selphie’s Limit Break does raise an important question for me. As I have mentioned before, I genuinely enjoy the amount of freedom that Final Fantasy VIII gives to its players regarding its gameplay. What I am still questioning is whether or not the broken nature of its mechanics (i.e. the junction system) was deliberate or not. If the designs for these mechanics was deliberate, does that make Final Fantasy VIII a “bad” or poorly designed game? In the end, a doofus like me was essentially able to “cheat” their way to victory against what is supposed to be the hardest boss in the entire video game. So is that proof that Final Fantasy VIII is a poorly designed game? Not only that, but the reward that I get from beating Omega Weapon is the same as those who defeat Omega Weapon “legitimately.” Is that fair to the audience? I do not have an answer to that question but it is something that I cannot help but ask as I look at the fruits of my labor.

Part 125: It’s the Final Countdown…to Insanity

With all of the bullshit finally behind us, and NO I AM NOT DOING THE QUEEN OF CARDS SIDEQUEST, let us finally end this motherfucking video game!

I know that I have griped about Ultimecia before, and how the game has continually failed to articulate her motivations for being the ultimate antagonist in this game, but HOT DAMN do I enjoy her design and music. Both complement her cackling evil nature. In fact, Final Fantasy VIII gets the superficial basics behind its antagonist down perfectly. When you finally confront Ultimecia, she is sitting in an ornate throne bellowing disappointment at the player’s party of heroes. From there she begins a dramatic monologue as her melodious theme plays in the background. The thematics and basics are down, but much like candy, it lacks long term substance. This would all mean more if I, the viewer, understood what warrants Ultimecia’s arrogance or contempt.

However, with that minor grousing aside the pure spectacle of battling Ultimecia was utterly breathtaking. Ultimecia’s many forms range from the magnificent to the psychedelic, and it all feels warranted given how the game has concluded in the final few acts leading up to this moment. Need I remind you that space-time was populated by TIME DOLPHINS? Then we have Ultimecia’s theme, which I can only honestly describe to be one of the greatest boss themes that I have ever heard. I strongly recommend that all of you give this a listen if you have not already:

Your first battle with Ultimecia is simple enough. The same Ultimecia that confronted us in a throne is the Ultimecia that we battle right off the bat. Things went swimmingly enough as my party was painfully broken by the time we reached this confrontation. That said I was decidedly NOT prepared for how the game adds unnecessary chaos to this confrontation. When you confront Ultimecia the game randomly selects which three party members will stand to oppose Ultimecia at first. When one of your party members dies, another one is picked randomly to replace their fallen comrade. You, as the player, have NO CONTROL over who is in your party besides Squall, who is guaranteed to be in your starting party no matter what.

This right here is the final “JERK MOVE” that the game plays on you before you can finally be rid of it. Unfortunately for me, this design meant that I was forced to battle Ultimecia with only ONE character that had access to a limit break, and that character was Squall. Interestingly enough, Squall has an Ultimecia specific animation when performing a limit break on Ultimecia, which I must admittedly describe as being a “nice touch.” That nice touch does NOT however redeem the shitty situation that the game forces you into when tackling the final boss in the game.

By the way, let us extrapolate upon what happens to a party member when they actually die during this battle. Firstly, they announce that they have lost the will to continue with the battle, and then just disappear from the plane of existence. I was later informed by my Sherpa that the canonical explanation is that Ultimecia absorbs the characters into time, permanently removing them from the battlefield. That is uh…somewhat creepy, and wouldn’t that mean that they are essentially dead FOREVER? When Adel got absorbed by Ultimecia she did not all of the sudden re-appear after Ultimecia’s defeat. So why is it that Irvine and Quistis are back with the party hanging out in the ending? How do you escape being dead in space-time? Did Ultimecia shit them out before getting killed? AW FUCK IT LET’S JUST CONTINUE WITH THIS BATTLE!

Part 126: Then a Fought a Giant Space Lion

Here I am fighting this neon red space lion. This is what my life has come to. I mean I could honestly be playing The Witcher 3 or Fallout 4 at this point. Instead I’m fighting what looks like the love child between a wolf and a piñata. Luckily I was able to gleam that the name of this abhorrent mess of a creature is “Griever.” For those that are not in the know, “Griever” is the name of Squall’s lion emblem on his gunblade…because you know, it makes a lot of sense to name your favorite symbols. By summoning “Griever” Ultimecia is perverting something that Squall holds near and dear to his heart. For Squall, Griever represents loyalty and honor, but here Griever is a horrible monster hell bent on serving Ultimecia. Ultimecia has essentially taken what Squall thinks is the greatest Guardian Force in the world of Final Fantasy VIII, and made it a monster.

Admittedly, that is an interesting premise. In fact, I will give credit where credit is due and concede that Final Fantasy VIII did foreshadow this event in an earlier scene where Squall explained the significance of the Griever emblem. I am also intrigued at the antagonist trying to wage psychological warfare on the protagonist by essentially inverting something precious to them. Squall is very literally fighting something near and dear to him when confronted by Griever. There is only one problem, and that is the game fails to make anything out of this interesting premise beyond a superficial level.

Griever is supposed to be an attempt at psychological warfare by Ultimecia on Squall. Unfortunately, when Griever arrives to the scene Squall does not even flinch. You witness no reaction by Squall when Griever arrives to fight your party. As a result, Griever goes from being an interesting premise to just another roadblock to the ending of the game. Could the game have had a scene where Squall realizes that he must first overcome a part of himself before beating Ultimecia? Why yes the game could have done that. Did the game actually have a character building moment like that? ABSOLUETLY NOT and therein lies the problem with this confrontation. I know that many of you have pointed out that I maybe ask too much of this game, but here I must insist. This battle should have been more than just the second stage in a multi-phase battle with an evil time witch. All of my points here could have made the battle with Ultimecia MORE than just a cinematic masterpiece, AND also an emotional masterpiece. For what it is worth, at least everything looked interesting, but I cannot help and think that this all could have amounted to something more substantial.

Part 127: Ultimecia Becomes a Furry

One thing before we move onto the final stage of this battle. Ultimecia junctioned Griever to herself, correct? So if Ultimecia is capable of performing junctions, and most likely has junctioned other lifeforms to herself in the past…how does she remember who Squall and his party are? Wouldn’t her junctions slowly, but surely, destroy her memories and understanding of her surroundings? Oh yeah I’m looking right at you Final Fantasy VIII! If you throw that shade in my direction, then I am going to throw it right back at you!

There’s nothing much to say about this fight other than I think it’s great. In fact all of the fights with Ultimecia feel good and look good. Disregarding my points earlier, the feel and look of everything during this battle come across perfectly. The nightmarish designs for the multiple forms of Ultimecia feel earned due to her time bending abilities. Because Ultimecia has the ability to manipulate time and space she feels less like a human, and more like an eldritch monster at this point. To their credit the designers throw some truly horrifying abominations at your direction in the last couple of forms that Ultimecia assumes. As I have mentioned, a few reactions from Squall and company would have gone a long way, but much like a “popcorn movie,” these battles titillate your senses and keep you interested in seeing more. That is something that is worthy of being commended for.

Part 128: Ultimecia Becomes an Eldritch Monster

When Ultimecia finally is forced to assume her final form she essentially becomes an eldritch monster that would give Stephen King nightmares. The design for Ultimecia this time around is an abhorrent nightmare, and in this context it works perfectly. Essentially down on her last leg Ultimecia is pulling no punches and has become a monster capable of destroying Squall and company. The cinematics of this confrontation are without a doubt amazing and is heightened by the fact that the player is close to witnessing the end of the game. Her upper form harkens to the multi-armed form of Vishnu, whereas the bottom half looks like the Mothman/Mothwoman. Again, turning Ultimecia into a monster works for the purposes of this scene because of her control over space time. At this point she has essentially become a supernatural being, and as such transforms into a monster to prove that. You can also tell by the design that the designers had a lot of fun working on Ultimecia because there’s a ton of attention to detail regarding her model. To having a top and bottom form, and interlacing veins and patterns it’s a great model that works to really hit home that this is the final battle in the game. Now if only Ultimecia were an actual character with a genuine character arc. That not only would have been the icing on the cake, but also the ganache, fruit, fondant decorations, as well as the champagne to Final Fantasy VIII’s end boss dessert.

For this fight we are transported to a black void of nothingness, and as you fight Ultimecia she babbles about destiny. I know that a lot has been written about these final words by fans of Final Fantasy VIII on the internet, and I am going to refrain from speculating as to what they mean on this blog post. There are a few reasons for that. Firstly, everything that is revealed about Ultimecia during Final Fantasy VIII’s final moments, which we will get to in a little bit, felt forced and rushed. So much so that I think they negate any value of speculation. Secondly, the idea that there is some sort of secret message hidden in Final Fantasy VIII is laughable at best. If this game wanted to say something it would have just struck you across the face, because that’s honestly how blunt and unrefined the narrative to Final Fantasy VIII has been up to this point. Need I remind you how this game has gone about conveying that Rinoa and Squall are lovers?

Back to the battle itself, Squall is the big MVP of this last boss battle. I repeatedly had him perform his limit break against Ultimecia over and over again until the evil time witch was down for the count. Once again I cannot say enough how spectacular the spectacle of all of this is. Now if only this game had managed to maintain such an awesome spectacle for its ending….

Part 129: OH FUCK WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?!

Because what this game really needed was epilepsy inducing amounts of light bloom. Everyone that is not Squall is somehow transported to a white void in space time…even those that were absorbed by Ultimecia during the last battle. Seriously how did they manage to get here? Did Ultimecia just fart them out after she died? Wait never mind…that’s not exactly a mental image that I want to have.

So what exactly is this white void that everyone is running around in, and how did the characters get there? Well the game doesn’t want to tell you so you are shit out of luck when it comes to trying to deduce what is happening in the game right now. I like my theory that they are stuck in some kind of purgatory where they will have to rot away for all eternity. That seems like a fitting fate for a scumbag like Irvine. Yes I know that Quistis and Zell do not deserve to be punished for Irvine’s sins, but sacrifices needed to be made.

Now because Squall is about to have some LSD induced character development scene shortly, you discover that he is located in a different space-time void. His void is black, like his teenaged angsty heart, and somehow he ends up getting transported back to when he was a child at the orphanage. Wait how did that happen? Why did Squall get thrown back into the past, but Rinoa, Quistis, and everyone else did not? Wasn’t Squall standing right next to rest of his party when Ultimecia bust into beams of light? Who is picking where everyone ends up in space time? WHO WROTE THIS NONSENSE?!

Oh shit Ultimecia is here! I guess we need to fight her…wait a minute.

Part 130: The Game Finally Decides to Give Ultimecia a Character Arc…After I Killed Her

You have got to be joking me. The game finally decides to extrapolate upon why Ultimecia is an evil sorceress…AFTER Squall killed her. What a wonderful game. So let me get this straight, Ultimecia was evil because she wanted to avoid her destiny of being killed by Squall? If Ultimecia was so concerned about being killed then why didn’t she just become a good sorceress that cured cancer or feed the poor? If she had done that then Squall would have never wanted to kill her in the first place! Or how about when Ultimecia was fighting Squall in her final form! Why didn’t Ultimecia just go back in time and try to kill Squall again, as in BEFORE HE PERFOIRMED HIS KILLING BLOW? Look, if you are going to have time travel in your plot there are going to plot holes here and there. That said if your story starts to immediately collapse due to major oversights because time travel is a part of your story, then we have a problem.

Now let’s stop and talk about Edea for a minute. Edea sees future Squall and immediately makes the connection as to what is happening in front of her eyes. Great so why the fuck doesn’t she just inform Squall when he was younger about his destiny in order to prepare him for the future? Wouldn’t that have made his life easier to deal with, as well as prevent him from psychological trauma? Remember in Terminator 2 when Sara Connor very clearly tells a young John Connor that he is the key to saving humanity when Skynet is created? Why the fuck didn’t Edea do that with Squall, or any of the children in the orphanage? Wouldn’t telling Squall about his destiny have given him much needed direction in his life, and thus prevented him from becoming the self-loathing teenager at the beginning of the game?

Wait a minute…does that mean that the whole purpose of SeeD and the Gardens was to prepare a select group of children, rather than an army, to fight an evil time sorceress? Then why did they end up with three gardens with hundreds, if not thousands, of child soldiers? Wouldn’t that be overkill? Were all of those children destined to help Squall and company to defeat Ultimecia? How did Cid and Edea know that? How did Edea and Cid know how many child soldiers they needed to recruit? If Edea knew that she was possessed by an evil sorceress why didn’t she come clean about it before Ultimecia took complete control over her? Why didn’t Edea make that announcement way before she was completely under the control of Ultimecia to the world? If Edea and Cid knew that Irvine, Selphie, Zell, and Quistis were destined to help Squall along his way, why did they allow them to become separated as they grew up? Why did Cid and Edea allow for all of the orphans to completely forget how they were connected with each other? Letting that happen not only is a real asshole thing to do, but it also seems counter-intuitive towards stopping a time-sorceress from ending the universe. This revelation just works to remind me how much of the story to Final Fantasy VIII feels inconsistent and disconnected. Nothing from Disc One matches up with Disc Four, and so on and so forth. There’s a real genuine disconnect with how the game started out, and how it ends.

Another thing that I am entirely confused about is if Squall ends up creating an infinite loop where the world of Final Fantasy VIII is perpetually fighting Ultimecia. By going back in time and possessing Edea doesn’t Ultimecia essentially guarantee that she’s going to continue to exist in the main timeline of Final Fantasy VIII forever? Does that mean that when Squall goes back to the present there’s still a future where Ultimecia reigns supreme? Is this game secretly Groundhog Day? Is my brain imploding in on itself? Can someone please call a doctor as I think that I am suffering an aneurism because of this game?

Part 131: The Creators of Final Fantasy VIII Experience an Aneurism

Speaking of aneurysms let’s talk about Squall experiencing an LSD induce nightmare! Once you experience the brief scene at the orphanage with Ultimecia and Edea you discover that Squall has been transported to an endless wasteland in the space-time continuum…because that makes sense. Where and what this exactly is, is beyond the viewer because the game honestly stopped trying to explain itself way back in Disc Three. As Squall traverses this wasteland he begins to experience flashbacks to previous scenes in the game that featured Rinoa.

The problem is that whenever Squall experiences a flashback it gets fuzzy and fucked up. Images of Rinoa from the ballroom dance sequence from Disc One feature static over Rinoa’s face. The flashback to Squall saving Rinoa in space features her visor shattering, and thus dying. Oh, and then THIS HAPPENED:

Then when the nightmare fuel stops you see Rinoa walking in the same wasteland as Squall. Somehow Rinoa was able to exit the white void of space time, and didn’t manage to bring everyone else with her. Eventually she discovers Squall and when she succeeds in waking him there are FUCKING FLOWERS EVERYWHERE! Which means that somehow Squall and Rinoa are back “home,” in the present.

Now I want to provide you with two theories as to what all of this nightmare fuel actually means. The first is from my Sherpa, thatpinguino, and the other is from me. Penguinman is confident that these images of Rinoa becoming fuzzy and fucked up translate to Squall experiencing memory loss. The images going backwards and forwards in quality signify Squall fighting back against his memory loss. Just as he loses hope in seeing Rinoa again, she is able to relocate him, and they both discover that they have subconsciously migrated to the place where they agreed to meet up: the field with the white flowers from earlier. This was their destiny.

Now my theory is simple: the writers realized that they wrote themselves into a corner and had no idea how to end the game. So in order to save money and resources they just recycled old assets from earlier and fucked them up in order to create the illusion that they mean something different. As cynical as that may sound hear me out here; what would be the easiest way to end a game? I would say having a flashback to previous cut scenes is the answer to that. There’s one problem with my theory. While it explains why these scenes are what they are, it does not explain what these scenes mean. My counter to that is simple: there is no meaning because I bet not even the writers knew what they were doing at the time. The fact that none of this makes sense is a sign that the writers simply had no idea how to end this game, and thus there’s really no meaning to it.

Like how did Squall mange to exit the black void and get transported to the wasteland that just happened to be the field with the flowers? I don’t know, and I sure as Hell bet that the writers don’t know either! Did Rinoa “transport” herself and Squall to their world? WHO FUCKING CARES? If the writers don’t bother to explain it in the story then it’s pointless to theorize how it was possible!

Even with my cynical theory I still have so many questions. Did everyone else have to fight back horrible LSD flashbacks? Did Rioa have to witness Squall’s face turning into a black hole? How is Squall able to move through and exit the continuum of space-time without the help of Rinoa or Ellone? Where is the wasteland that Squall is wandering around in? How did Rinoa end up in the wasteland of space time? Did Rinoa use her sorceress powers to transport Squall and herself to the flower field, or was the wasteland always the flower field? Where were Quistis, Zell, Irvine, and Selphie during all of this? How did everyone else manage to get out of the white void of space time? Did the power of love cause all of the flowers to grow? Oh GOD….

We go from an endless wasteland to a field of flowers in less than five seconds, and I just can’t even guys…I can’t. I just…can’t. It’s the worst thing ever. We go from zero to “happy ending” in record time, and I just can’t do this anymore. I just want to watch the ending. All I want to do right now is to finish the game. The pain…it needs to end. I got to the ending…I’m done! I’m done trying to make sense of this game! Please make my nightmare end!

Part 132: Are you Ready for the Game to Conclude in a Neat Bow? WELL I’M NOT!

Are you ready for some end game fan service? Well that’s exactly what is about to happen! Right off the bat you find Seifer fishing with his friends in Balamb Town. WAIT, FUCKING WHAT?! How is Seifer NOT in jail for war crimes, or crimes against humanity? He was one of the prime supporters of Ultimecia, so why does he get a redemptive arc at the end of the story? I mean for one, he tortured prisoners in the D-District Prison at the behest of an Ultimecia controlled Edea. After that Seifer was responsible for leading the G-Forces’ conquest of the Galbadian Garden which I can only assume resulted in countless deaths of hundreds of SeeDs and SeeD candidates, and those that were not killed probably became displaced refugees. Seifer ordered for the Battle of the Gardens which again resulted in hundreds, if not thousands, of deaths on both sides of the battle. Then he also piloted the Lunatic Pandora which brought forth an insurmountable amount of death and destruction upon the citizens of Esthar; death and destruction that I suspect that the city and people of Esthar will not immediately recover from. Then in his very last scene he kidnapped Rinoa, and allowed her to be junctioned to Adel, thus necessitating Squall’s battle with Ultimecia.

Why is Seifer not currently being prosecuted for war crimes in The Hague? How is he able to walk up to the docks of Balamb Town, a city that he ordered to be violently occupied, and be allowed to fish peacefully with his friends? Wouldn’t someone want to punch him in the face, or maybe have him thrown in jail? Then the Balamb Garden flies over Seifer and company. So I guess SeeD is still a thing even after Ultimecia has been defeated? What evil is there to kill now that the last truly evil sorceress has been defeated? So like are all of the governments and countries of Final Fantasy VIII going to allow for this private military company, WHICH RECRUITS CHILDREN, to continue to exist? Can’t everyone just quit SeeD and retire the Gardens forever now that “World Peace” has been achieved?

Now this joking aside we end this conclusion on a somber and emotional note that Final Fantasy VIII manages to not bungle. In the next scene you are transported to Laguna who is now an old man. Then you flash back to the time when he proposed to Raine. During this scene he articulates, albeit without voice acting, that he wishes to marry her and the scene comes to together with Raine accepting his proposal. Then when you flash back to the present, once again seeing the physical age on Laguna’s face, and discover that he’s standing over Raine’s grave. It’s a heavy and emotionally taut scene that hits all of the notes that it aimed for. Laguna’s relationship with Raine was clear and easy to follow throughout the story. Raine had a reason to love Laguna, and Laguna had a reason to love Raine. Their relationship never once felt forced, and instead felt earned. When you see Raine’s grave you feel for Laguna. The end of the game means that he can heal and continue to foster the relationships and friendships that he still has. Having Ellone, Kiros, and Ward standing patiently in the background while Laguna has his moment helps to highlight all of this.

As I have mentioned before Laguna is a character with an arc that you can related to and follow. His motivations are simple, but they are motivations that you can really get behind. When I criticize the storytelling and narrative scaffold around Squall and Rinoa, I cannot help but look back on Laguna with some semblance of jealousy. I should feel the way that I feel about Laguna for Squall and Rinoa, but I just do not. As we will go over shortly, Laguna highlights how the story to Final Fantasy VIII should have been simpler, and not denser. It needed only a few basic elements rather than a baker’s dozen. For what it is worth Laguna’s story comes to an appropriate conclusion that manages to perfectly convey all of the emotions that the writers wanted the audience to experience upon seeing this scene. Now I wonder what Final Fantasy VIII follows this up with….

Part 133: Final Fantasy VIII’s Funniest Home Videos

Final Fantasy VIII follows up Laguna coming to terms with the death of his wife with a bunch of home videos featuring the main cast doing HILARIOUS THINGS! I wish that I was lying about this, but I am not. Whilst the credits are playing Selphie powers up a camcorder…which has a display that resembles that of a camcorder from the 1990s. You see Quistis and Irvine bowing to Cid and Edea, and thanking them for everything that they have done for them over the years…despite the fact that Cid and Edea are responsible for subjecting all of the children from their orphanage to decade’s worth of psychological trauma. I mean seriously…Cid and Edea are the WORST foster parents that I have ever seen in a video game.

Then the camera switches hands to Irvine, who hilariously uses it to lecherously look at a number of female SeeDs…despite the fact that he’s essentially dating Selphie at this point. What a wonderful human being. Zell is off eating hotdogs with the pigtailed girl, and then hilariously starts choking on a hotdog that he was trying to wolf down. Then Irvine slaps Zell on the back and he’s suddenly fine! Oh and then Selphie discovers Squall and Rinoa about to kiss each other when…the batteries to the camcorder run out. Did I mention that this is the scene that follows Laguna standing over the grave of his dead wife?

I know that I just said this already but I honestly just can’t even everyone…I just can’t. I can’t do this anymore. This is the worst thing to follow up the scene with Laguna with. It’s just terrible. All I wanted was for this game to end of a good note and then this “happened.” It’s just fucked. But at least it’s over…OH FOR FUCKS SAKE IT’S NOT OVER YET!

Part 134: But Wait…There’s More

Because the ending to Final Fantasy VIII was secretly directed by Peter Jackson it finally ends once the credits have finished playing. On a balcony Squall and Rinoa kiss while the garden flies off to the monster moon.

I’m free, I’m finally free. This six month long nightmare is finally over! I am a free man for the first time in a long time! It’s over, it’s finally all over.

Part Z: Final Fantasy VIII Post Mortem

Here we are my friends, at the end of a long winded and oftentimes baffling journey. Through everything I finally managed to complete my very first Final Fantasy game, and from that my very first traditional Japanese roleplaying game. For what it is worth I do not regret doing any of this. From an entirely selfish perspective these Final Fantasy blogs have been my most successful and widely read blogs of the entire year. From a more holistic perspective the experience has proven to be surprisingly enlightening for a neophyte like myself.

That aside, many of you are most likely wondering what my final impressions of Final Fantasy VIII are. To put it simply; Final Fantasy VIII is a weird, but memorable game. As I once said before, Final Fantasy VIII is the tar you find in cigarettes, it’s the stuff that sticks with you for life whether you want it to or not. I am never going to forget the major plot points and story beats of Final Fantasy VIII. I will remember the orphanage scene and concert at Fisherman’s Horizon for the rest of my life. For what it is worth, managing to accomplish this is commendable for any video game. As it stands, most of my video game experiences are, to put it bluntly, “throw away” experiences that are meant to fill in time. While I played Final Fantasy VIII out of an obligation, I continued well past my obligation out of pure curiosity. Once things got increasingly weird…I HAD to know what was going to happen next. Final Fantasy VIII had effectively sunken its tendrils into me by the end of Disc One, and from that point forward I was in it for the long haul.

If you are looking for a cohesive video game experience, Final Fantasy VIII is a terrible game. If you judge a game based on its interface or how balanced its mechanics are, Final Fantasy VIII is one of the worst games ever made. It’s narratively all over the place, and it tries to do too much in one game, but that’s not the entire picture that I want to paint about the game. If it has not become painfully obvious already, I am normally a stickler for cohesive and normal storytelling conventions, but I loved this game anyways. Now I know that “love” is a strong word to use, but be patient on me here. Its mechanics allow you to break the game within the first couple of hours that you gain control of it. Being able to blow through entire bosses in under a minute is an empowering feeling. That said it certainly did not benefit the game when there would be this strong and ominous boss standing in front of me, and I was able to off them in about twenty seconds. Then there was the story. The absolute zaniness of the story was both its greatest handicap, as well as its greatest attribute.

That last sentence might surprise you if you have been following this blog series since the very beginning. Repeatedly on this blog series I reminded you, my audience, and the creators of this game how “unorthodox” the story and storytelling of Final Fantasy VIII is. When I look back on it, all of my suggestions most likely would have led to a better story, and possibly a better game, than what Final Fantasy VIII actually ended up being. That said, if the game had put into place all of my “corrections” it most likely would have been a less memorable experience.

Now first and foremost, the story of Final Fantasy VIII is a HOT MESS. If story is what you look for in a game, then I cannot recommend Final Fantasy VIII without a grin and holding back a myriad of chuckles. It starts out with a handful of teenagers practically BEGGING to become mercenaries in a private military company. Then a half dozen of those teenagers are arbitrarily selected to MURDER A SORCERESS! Past that, we discover that everyone forgot that they were childhood friends, and BOOM one of your party members turns into a sorceress whilst you are floating in space. THE GAME WENT TO SPACE FOR FUCKS SAKE! Then you travel through space-time to kill the wicked witch of the west, and somehow everyone gets a happy ending when everything wraps up in the end.

I hope that summary shows how Final Fantasy VIII manages to blend about four or five storylines and genres all into one video game. The creators of Final Fantasy VIII, simply put, attempted to accomplish too much in a single video game. That said I feel obligated to give credit for effort. I have never seen, and most likely never will again, a video game quite like Final Fantasy VIII. Much like a three-headed albino snake, Final Fantasy VIII is a monstrosity worth getting both horrified and enamored with.

I cannot even begin to fathom the insurmountable challenge that faced the men and women tasked with making Final Fantasy VIII. Not only did they need to make a new game in a highly venerated franchise, but they also had to follow up on a game, Final Fantasy VII, that many people still to this day cite as being one of the greatest games ever made. As a result, the designers, programmers, and writers took significant risks when making Final Fantasy VIII. The story and gameplay, which I have discussed repeatedly, disregarded all of the normal conventions for games in general. It goes without saying that most of the time these risks do not pay dividends. In terms of the story, it falls flat on its face sixty percent of the time. However, those few moments where things actually work are magical. Laguna for example is a fine character that I was excited to learn more about, and looked forward to controlling every single time. The scene where Laguna stood over the grave of his wife still is Final Fantasy VIII’s most touching and powerful moment.

Even Squall and Rinoa have their moments. Rinoa showed significant signs of maturation from her introduction to the end of the game. She started out as a naïve freedom fighter, and by the time the game ended she became far more humble. Then there’s Squall who admittedly had far fewer “successful” scenes, but there’ still one that sticks out to me as I write this blog. The scene where Squall is emotionally gripped by Rinoa being afflicted by a coma, and as a result grabs her and decides to try to find a cure for her alone. This is the scene where he ends up running on the train tracks, with Rinoa slumped over his shoulders, and slowly realizes the gravity of his situation. This scene still works for me and it is one of Squall’s most memorable moments. Even scenes where I reacted with an unintended emotion stick with me. The concert at Fisherman’s Horizon was laugh inducing for me, and I still can’t help but chuckle when thinking about it now.

I have said it before, but I’ll say it again: this game was created with a great deal of sincerity. While it oftentimes does not work the story was written in a sincere attempt to convey teenage romance, science fiction, action adventure, and many other genres and themes. Now anyone with any knowledge of storytelling conventions should have realized that any given story should only feature one or two of those themes within its narrative. However, the extra elements were not, at least in my opinion, added to try and make a game that appealed to a wider audience, and thus make more money. No, instead I think more themes were added to the story because the men and women behind Final Fantasy VIII genuinely thought that they worked to create a cohesive and emotional story that contained their characters. On one side I want to condemn them for not realizing their folly in the first place, but on the other side I feel as if I need to commend them for trying. A real and genuine risk was taken in Final Fantasy VIII. While it did not pan out in the best way possible they tried nonetheless. Now rest assured, I have not lost my senses. Final Fantasy VIII features one of THE WORST STORIES that I have ever seen in a video game. It is an absolute train wreck, but it is a train wreck that I enjoyed laughing at and mocking.

Something does need to be said about the mechanics of Final Fantasy VIII. The junctioning, item refining, drawing, and Triple Triad all are worthy of blogs in and of themselves. The problem is that I am not entirely equipped to accomplish an exhaustive examination of these mechanics. As someone who has never played any other Final Fantasy games I can at best share what it was like playing this game in a vacuum. Triple Triad is a lot of fun, but holy shit, do not spread any of the other rules in your game. I also enjoyed how there was a non-battle based way of acquiring spells and items to use in order to make my party more powerful. Item refining breaks Final Fantasy VIII, and warrants a comprehensive tutorial in the game. The problem is that no such tutorial exists and you are left to your own devices to discover how to take full advantage of it. Also, the interface for item refining is piss poor. It is a byzantine nightmare that is more work than it has any right to be. That said if you take the time to learn the item refining system it will reward you handsomely, and thus make the entire game a complete breeze.

The same can be said of the junction system. The junction system should have a better in-game interface, as well as a tutorial worth a fuck. Once you finally wrap your mind around the system, it immediately opens you up for experimentation, and eventually perfection. I still am stuck in a conundrum, like Final Fantasy VIII’s story, on whether or not to praise or condemn the junction system. The junction system allows you to break the game, and thus become free of Final Fantasy VIII’s gameplay based bullshit, and as someone who has not played a ton of JRPGs I was fine with this. To me the broken nature of the junction system provided me with a ton of freedom and breathing room. To be perfectly honest, if this game had forced me to spend a significant amount of my precious time grinding and doing “traditional” JRPG stuff my opinion on the game would have soured more quickly. However a more pressing question should be asked: was I meant to “play” Final Fantasy VIII as I did? Was someone like me really meant to beat Omega Weapon? Should I really have been given the ability to overpower my party as quickly that I did? I ask these questions not as an exercise for myself, but to see if any of you have answers.

Now the drawing system…it’s complete garbage and becomes irrelevant by the end of Disc Two, and the same goes for summoning. GFs boil down to junctions, rather than summons, once your Limit Breaks become strong enough. There are other mechanics like these that never really play out and/or immediately die-off in Final Fantasy VIII. Most of the potential Junctions in the game, (i.e. Spirit) are not worth a warm bucket of spit. It should also be noted that not once in this game did I refine new weapons for my party members to use. All of these systems lead to an inconsistent gameplay experience; an inconsistent experience that subjects its audiences to the highest of highs, as well as the lowest of lows. It was AMAZING that whenever I confronted a boss that I was able to defeat most of them in twenty or so seconds. However, the question remains if I should recommend this game based on its gameplay, and I still do not have an answer for that. Whatever the answer is all I know is that I enjoyed “playing” Final Fantasy VIII even if that involved wadding through rivers of bullshit…and trust me there were dozens of rivers to wade through.

Now here I am rambling and making circular arguments when I promised myself not to. My final thoughts are thus: if you have never played Final Fantasy VIII you probably should. It is the video game equivalent to watching a really good B-movie. Thanks to it gutting all of the normal conventions found in JRPGs up to that point, even neophytes to the genre will be able to succeed. It’s a fucking GREAT game…except when it is a TERRIBLE game. It is a fun game, except when it is a frustrating and rage inducing game. Final Fantasy VIII manages to make you feel an entire spectrum of emotions whilst playing it, and if you are interested in riding such a rollercoaster you should. There’s no way you can truly prepare yourself for this game, and once you are done with it you’ll end up a better person. Just know that if you do play this game that I’ll have my eyes on you:

Dude...what an ending. I always thought the stuff during the credits was pretty goofy but cool.

Eden is the natural follow-up to the notoriously-long Knights of the Round summon in FF7. I'm don't think Square ever topped it (thankfully), and I think starting with FF9 they began to include a "short summons" option.

Whatever else you can say about the ending, at least the music is great.

Haven't read this yet. But I want to say that I am extremely excited to read your thoughts. This series of blog posts have been great. I love the ending of this game.

You know, there is . . . another. . . theory as to what's happening at the end of the game.

Imma just leave this here for you: http://squallsdead.com/

Also in all seriousness, play FFIX next. It actually has real gameplay mechanics and likable characters and a story that partially makes sense. 99% teenage angst free!

That's only true because Vivi's not technically a teenager.

Let this not be the end, but a new beginning.

May your soul finally be at peace.

Man, the way you talk about that castle must mean you are a huge classic RE fan. You have to be!

Ah what a beautiful mess this game is, brings back some great memories. It's worth noting that the time between FFVII and FFIX is the height of Square's fame, excess and complete insanity. This is when The Spirits Within started its development. The project took 4 years to make, cost $137 million (including marketing) and, when finally released in 2001, would make Square lose around 80-95 million USD.

Small corrections:

• The caption under the Griever image names him "griver".
• "BEFORE HE PERFOIRMED HIS KILLING BLOW"

After reading this last post, I'm convinced you should play FF6 (originally FF3 in the States) next. Its final dungeon is also done with multiple parties & has numerous boss fights, so it would be interesting to see you compare the two. I also think FF6 does a better job of explaining its antagonist and his lackeys, and has a more cohesive story overall. Its Esper system is a simpler method of the character customization seen here.

Most of all, I would recommend doing FF6 next over the more recent FF games (FF9, FFX, etc) because of how different the 2D games feel from the 3D games. It's interesting to see how a series known for elaborate cutscenes handled things when all it had were sprites.

It also looks like most of the creative team was the same for both games. The biggest difference I spotted is that FF6 has a different writer than FF8. FF6's English translation also features the work of the legendary Ted Woolsey.

If you do decide to play it, though, I suggest running the original version of the game on an emulator. I've heard the recent Windows-native remake is extremely poor.

Where's the fun in good translations?

You spoony bard!

I support this petition, FFIX being another one of those games that looked real neat and drove me off before I could finish it for reasons I won't spend time going into.

................. Gosh, maybe I should do my own series on that game. I wonder if it's on Steam...

I loved these articles. Im sad they're done.

If you're gonna do another FF game don't play the 2d ones, they're all fucking terrible. Don't let anyone tell you they aren't.

I said it before in the comments on your podcast with thatpenguino, but I'm really looking forward to your inevitable playthrough of a different nightmare JRPG, be it FF X-2, the FF XIII saga, or Chrono Cross. It would be no fun if you actually played something that was well-loved and had a story that made a lick of sense.

Thanks for the many articles Zombiepie, it was a lot of fun to re-live the memories of a game that always stuck with me.

Did you ever bother with the boost mechanic of the GF's? I remember mashing 'A'to boost their powers during their animations. Maybe that's not necessary when you break the game.

Good! Now play FFVI so you can have your sanity back.

Using the mechanics of the game to compete battles quicker seems like a valid way to play through FF VIII. Sure you could have gone down a similar path I did which lead to more grinding but both ways you still experience all of the content.

This has been a unique way to revisit the world of Final Fantasy VIII again and I'm glad you decided to write about your journey through it. If you still want to continue down a JRPG path without sticking to FF might I suggest Star Ocean: The Second Story. The story isn't anything special but the action based combat might keep you interested in it. Trying something else you've never played before could be worth doing too. Maybe something that doesn't take 6 months to compete?

It's a Christmas miracle!

Also, fuck every game that has you play with B-Team. B-Team are B-Team for a reason. I like A-Team. If you make me play as B-Team and have expected me to have wasted time leveling up and equipping B-Team then fuck you. And if you want the same for a C-Team then really fuck you.

I heart this blog series and will genuinely miss it.

I mean, uh, you're a monster. Zeep, yadda yadda yadda.

Well done, and now on to Final Fantasy IX!

It was a wild ride, ZP. I look forward to reading about your next adventures in video game masochism!

Well...FUCK!

@zombiepie said:

Well...FUCK!

Ahem. I believe you mean:

It makes no thematic sense as a follow up to the scene with Laguna, and feel incredibly out of place. Plus what the fuck is the garden doing to floating around being operational and populated with SeeDs? Why?

But why are the summons that long in the first place? Was it a way to showcase technical prowess of the PlayStation One, or was their an in-game justification for it?

Like...you think this game has a "good" ending? As in un-ironically love?

My discussion on the validity of the "Squall is Dead" fantheory was discussed extensively on my previous blog. My favorite sentence from that website comes in its last paragraph:

I choose to believe that this is how the game was intended to be understood because, to me, the game makes no sense otherwise. Everything that happens to the characters after the first disc is ridiculous. The ending is like recapping the game on acid. There has to be something more to the story than a simple ‘Hero Takes All’ plot.

Isn't that the game that has a furry protagonist? From what I hear Final Fantasy IX is a personal favorite of @thatpinguino's...it is almost as if he has speedrun that game multiple times for charity.

The greatest joke will be me never playing another Final Fantasy game, and as a result having FFVIII cloud my judgement and perception of the entire franchise.

That would be HILARIOUS!

I just was completely done with the game at that point, both in playing it and writing about it. The biggest problem that I had with this whole experience was having to write blogs after my sessions that detailed my experiences in excruciating detail. It literally sucked the life out of me every single time that I had to sit down and write a +10,000 word blog about it.

So the idea of me doing the same exact thing...but for a new game...it horrifies me.

Not only have I seen The Spirits Within, but I have also seen Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children...without having played Final Fantasy VII. I had a rather humorous conversation with @mento and @thatpinguino regarding my understanding of Final Fantasy VII's story just based on what I had seen from Advent Children.

I want to take a break from playing Final Fantasy games. Not only am I horribly behind when it comes to playing recent releases that I want to play (i.e. The Witcher 3 and Fallout 4), but I just don't have it in me...I just can't do it...but penguin is probably going to convince me to play Final Fantasy VIII for the next Community Endurance Run.

It's not available on Steam, and I do not have any platforms that have access to the PSN. But that didn't stop penguin from exploring ways to force me to play the game. At one point he was considering mailing me a PlayStation One with a factory sealed copy of the game to boot. I think he's trying to tell me something about that game.

Where is this coming from, because most of the input that I have received on my blogs has been the complete opposite. Well actually most people have admitted that the 2D Final Fantasy games are far harder than what I have experienced in Final Fantasy VIII, but that's about it.

See you keep mentioning these games and besides the XIII franchise I really lack the ability to play any of those games. In the future I think I'm going to refrain from composing nineteen page blogs, because it's just too much for me to handle anymore.

I never did invest in boosting my GFs because my Sherpa felt that Limit Breaks were the far superior alternative to using the GFs. Not only do the Limit Breaks save you a ton of time, but they also are far more broken. As a result I never unlocked the boost ability.

You and @mikelemmer both really want me to go backwards in time rather than forwards...I'll consider it, but for now I really do need to take a break from Final Fantasy.

FUCKING A, RIGHT! At least you can transfer junction in Final Fantasy VIII, but any other game being forced to control B-Team is just abjectly the worst thing ever. The game gave me a cast to pick and choose from and then...it decides to take that freedom away from me! That's totally fucked!

It I had not had the assistance of penguin then most likely this would have never happened. There's no way I would have managed to figure out how to navigate the menu system, or how to refine items. Then there's the junction system which is the most arbitrarily byzantine equipment/spell system that I have ever seen in an RPG. Admittedly once I figured everything out I was able to breeze through the entire game with relative ease.

The fact that this took six months to complete is entirely my fault. In fact...what you are reading now I actual completed way back in October. Again...that's "my bad."

WELL NOW I CAN'T PLAY FINAL FANTASY IX ANYMORE BECAUSE SOMEONE JUST GIFTED ME A COPY OF FINAL FANTASY VII ON STEAM!

YOU ARE A REALLY BAD PERSON! WE AREN'T FRIENDS ANYMORE!

@zombiepie said:

Well...FUCK!

Where's @dankempster when you need him?

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! PLEASE PREVENT ME FROM FALLING VICTIM TO THIS NIGHTMARE! HOW CAN I AVOID THIS TAKING OVER A YEAR OF MY LIFE LIKE IT DID FOR YOU?

270 hours of my personal backlog is Final Fantasy. Help.

@zombiepie: There are ways and you know it. Playstation TVs are like $20 now, opening you up to a world of infinite witch-touching weirdo anime RPGs from the PSP and Vita catalogs but also PS1 classics (such as say... pretty much every major Squaresoft release from that era) and the vita version of Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD. Oh, and Persona 4 Golden, which I'm to understand is Giant Bomb dot com's favorite JRPG, but you probably don't want to play that.

Or... maybe "someone" will "accidentally" gift you a copy of FF XIII on steam. Who knows?

@zombiepie: I definitely recommend taking a break from playing Final Fantasy and, well, JRPG's in general.

I would like to see how you react to FFVI, though. I'm not going to say that it doesn't have plot holes, but it does have a legitimately great (and cohesive!) story. More importantly, the game does an excellent job of using the SNES's limited capabilities to show the story. Also the music is better.

I would never ask you to do this again, though. As entertaining as it was, if you do play another Final Fantasy game, I'd rather just see summarized thoughts of the past ten or fifteen hours of gameplay than blogs this long.

Finally, I didn't actually start playing Final Fantasy or JRPG's in general until a few years ago. I started with Chrono Trigger. If you only ever play one other Japanese role-playing game in your entire life, make it Chrono Trigger. It's only 25 hours long, there are no random encounters, and it's easily one of the best stories I've ever heard.

But, for now, yeah, take a break man. JRPG's are generally a huge undertaking and can be pretty taxing.

Now you can finally start on Final Fantasy 13!

The only thing I liked about FFVIII was Laguna and his group of misfits. But then again, I th ink everyone felt the same way about him. He was just a fun loveable dude.

As for what you'll be playing next. I would recommend FFIX. Vivi makes that game great. His story arc is great and he's basically 1b to Zidane's 1a as far as main characters go.

Or take another step into the weirdness and go with Chrono Cross. I still don't fully understand all the stuff that happened in that game. I just know that I really enjoyed it's music and world.

After experiencing this game second-hand through a let's play years ago, and now through your blog series, I guess all I can say is that FFVIII is at least bad in an entertaining, if not somewhat compelling way. FFXIII is just outright bad, and I honestly think if some monster were to force you into writing a blog series on that game it'd be at least twice as long as this series was because of all the garbage you'd have to cover.

I'll just chime in with the others recommending FFIX, if you ever have the opportunity to play it. If FFVII was focused on getting one of those games to work in 3D, and FFVIII was getting the production values up, FFIX was the one where they had all the technical know-how already and focused on the writing, characters and worldbuilding. I still think one of the characters in that game has the best arc/storyline I've experienced in a game, even when held up against acclaimed modern stuff like The Last of Us.

Just wanna say, this series was a long road (and read), but a damn good one. Thanks for all the time you put into this!

Also as an aside, if you liked the final boss music for FFVIII you should check out some of the final boss themes from other Final Fantasy games (although, spoilers and all that). A lot of them have similar motifs of slow, eerie builds into fast-paced distortions of the main battle themes-- as far back as the first game, even.

Not gonna lie, this has made for some of the most entertaining content on Giant Bomb throughout the whole year. I am also now having doubts about whether you'd enjoy the Resident Evil remake :o...

@zombiepie: Oh yeah it makes NO sense in the grand scheme of things. I always felt like it was the developers way of going...meh we wanna see these people doing goofy things. Credit bonus footage time!!!!

@yummylee: RE is definitely the next thing he should tackle if he hasn't played any of the old ones yet.

@zombiepie: The only thing Advent Children can teach you is what awful films look like.

@hassun: I don't know if my fortitude can withstand witnessing the remake getting torn to shreds! Everything he dislikes about the end game gothic castle stuff in FF8 is basically classic RE 101 :P

@zombiepie: I legitimately liked the ending because I had no idea that anything like that was going to happen. But, then again, I enjoyed the story in the game even though it is pretty nonsensical.

Also, I disagree with the item refining/low-level-run/card game/junctioning system breaking the game because to do any of those to maximum efficiency it requires a lot of time. The easiest way to break the game is to do a low-level-run. And to do that properly there is a lot of time that needs to be spent in the game doing a lot of side things and getting extra magic that helps you avoid getting experience from the few mandatory battles in the game. Playing the game "normally" would probably run the average first-timer a longer amount of time than a "broken" run. This is simply because, while battles become shorter, the preparation becomes much much longer.

But reading your blog posts did make me realize that Final Fantasy VIII doesn't have a good story, but it has great moments. Playing through the story I got to experience some really memorable gaming moments, but I was confusing that with actual plot and story. Also, even though I really like Zell because he is a lovable moron, the game does almost nothing for character development for party members.

YEAH WELL SPEAK OF THE DEVIL!

THIS IS FUCKING FUCKED! I HAVE THE LITERAL WORST FRIENDS EVER!

I feel the only way this can end is @zombiepie jumping off a waterfall from Tommy Lee Jones after his repeated attempts to gift him Final Fantasy Tactics.

God damn. Thanks so much for sticking it out with us, man. I was really heartened by your final thoughts on FFVIII. For all the criticisms one could levy against the game, insincerity is definitely not one of them, and it's absolutely one of the most memorable gaming experiences I've ever had, for good or ill. I will never forget key moments like the assassination mission, the orphanage scene, the GARDEN BATTLE, Squall catching Rinoa in space, or that climactic last battle against Ultimecia.

Fuck Final Fantasy VIII.

Long live Final Fantasy VIII.

@zombiepie: Or was this a clever ruse to get people to send you copies of games you want to play! Follow the Steam Gift trail!

Well except for that FFV from @thatpinguino. Someone who spreads shitty mobile ports of FF games is no friend of anybody.

@hassun: Better shitty mobile ports of great games than PC ports of mediocre ones!

Great blog series, ZP. FFVIII is a terrible game, that said, there are a few moments in it that I enjoyed

This was the second best piece of Giant Bomb content this year, next to Metal Gear Scanlon 4.

You don't like the moment at the end where Irvine checks out some girls and then Selphie punches him and gives him the face? I want more of that, they should have been doing that the whole game. The world used to be safe for a harmless lech. I suddenly realize that allmy favoritemaleFinal Fantasy characters are like that. My favorite was introduced in that game by kidnapping a woman he was attracted to. Seems problematic now.

Final Fantasy VIII is the Deadly Premonition of JRPGs; utterly enthralling, for better or worse.

I'm not so sure about that.

@zombiepie: Well, I have to thank @thatpinguino and @chaser324 for doing my work for me. If you need an oasis of sanity when you're drowning in JRPG, just say the word and I'll send you one of the Heroes of Might and Magic III gift codes I have laying around AT ALL TIMES.

Well done fella on finishing the game and the blog series. Enjoy your break playing the games you want to play now cos FFVIII is a fucking slog.

@mikelemmer: @lawgamer: @believer258: @shaunk: @shindig: @thatpinguino: @arbitrarywater: @hassun: It's not stopping. My nightmare is not stopping.

Man, I love this game. I also think it's the worst possible choice for a person's first Final Fantasy game. This has been entertaining.

@mikelemmer: Well you can now rest assured that thanks to @mattyftm my Christmas is ruined: