ForewordIt has come to my attention that the Giant Bomb community, and indeed some members of the staff, have not familiarized themselves with proper farting procedure. Having recently obtained my Ph.D in Flatulence Studies at Cornell University, it is to my dismay that so many people have such reckless disregard for this delicate process. It is my intention to correct this by bestowing on you, the community, with just a taste of the knowledge that I have been gathering for 16 years at Cornell.
Why Would You Want to Learn How to Fart?The answer to this question is quite simple. Knowing the proper procedure is useful because :
- It's safe. Studies have shown that 6 out of 5 prolapses have occurred due to overly-forceful flatulence that could easily have been prevented had the proper steps been taken.
- It's effective. Farting properly eliminates 30-31% more gas than normal farting.
- It feels good. People who fart properly report feeling more rejuvenated and refreshed than those who sleep on old fashioned metal spring mattresses.
- It's fun! Farting properly can increase your score on the Bristol Sliding Scale of Happiness by 5-10 points.
The ProcedureThe Herschwinn-Kraussenschweigger Flatulence Enhancement Manoeuvre was invented in 1917 in Brussenheimen, Austria. The name may seem intimidating, but all it takes is a few simple steps:
- Stretch. Take a few slow, deep breaths and extend your arms over your head. Hold for 5 seconds and release. Take a few more deep breaths and touch your toes 10 times. This may seem a bit extensive for a behavior as spontaneous as farting, but this step is key, as it forces any air bubbles downward to the rectum.
- Get into position. Squat slightly and bend your arms at a 90 degree angle so that your forearms are parallel to the floor (Figure 1). This position relaxes the anus, allowing for more air to escape.
- Release. The key here is not to force it out; that could result in an undesired pantaloon defecation. Just relax and let it come naturally. You'll know you've done it right when the heady aroma of peanuts and honey fills the room.