It has come to my attention that the Giant Bomb community, and indeed some members of the staff, have not familiarized themselves with proper farting procedure. Having recently obtained my Ph.D in Flatulence Studies at Cornell University, it is to my dismay that so many people have such reckless disregard for this delicate process. It is my intention to correct this by bestowing on you, the community, with just a taste of the knowledge that I have been gathering for 16 years at Cornell.
Why Would You Want to Learn How to Fart?
The answer to this question is quite simple. Knowing the proper procedure is useful because :
It's safe. Studies have shown that 6 out of 5 prolapses have occurred due to overly-forceful flatulence that could easily have been prevented had the proper steps been taken.
It's effective. Farting properly eliminates 30-31% more gas than normal farting.
It feels good. People who fart properly report feeling more rejuvenated and refreshed than those who sleep on old fashioned metal spring mattresses.
It's fun! Farting properly can increase your score on the Bristol Sliding Scale of Happiness by 5-10 points.
The Procedure
The Herschwinn-Kraussenschweigger Flatulence Enhancement Manoeuvre was invented in 1917 in Brussenheimen, Austria. The name may seem intimidating, but all it takes is a few simple steps:
Stretch. Take a few slow, deep breaths and extend your arms over your head. Hold for 5 seconds and release. Take a few more deep breaths and touch your toes 10 times. This may seem a bit extensive for a behavior as spontaneous as farting, but this step is key, as it forces any air bubbles downward to the rectum.
Get into position. Squat slightly and bend your arms at a 90 degree angle so that your forearms are parallel to the floor (Figure 1). This position relaxes the anus, allowing for more air to escape.
Release. The key here is not to force it out; that could result in an undesired pantaloon defecation. Just relax and let it come naturally. You'll know you've done it right when the heady aroma of peanuts and honey fills the room.
Conclusion
I hope you've all learned something here today. This information will probably change your life, making you more popular at parties and with the opposite sex (or with the same sex, if you're into that). And when people compliment you on your lovely farties, just remember it was me who gave you that knowledge.
Your guide fails to include important farting tips. For example, the "One cheek sneak" is a vital technique for not killing the mood when in a religious ceremony or on a date. There's probably other major points you are missing too.
We don't just need to know the most comfortable way to fart, or how to do it without pulling a muscle (or worse), we also need to know all the other techniques which will serve us in good stead as we go through life. Because flatulence is such a vital part of all our lives, I can't in good conscience recommend this guide because it lacks the comprehensive information it promises.
Your guide fails to include important farting tips. For example, the "One cheek sneak" is a vital technique for not killing the mood when in a religious ceremony or on a date. There's probably other major points you are missing too.
We don't just need to know the most comfortable way to fart, or how to do it without pulling a muscle (or worse), we also need to know all the other techniques which will serve us in good stead as we go through life. Because flatulence is such a vital part of all our lives, I can't in good conscience recommend this guide because it lacks the comprehensive information it promises.
Also, you totally made me smile.
"
I would say that the guide is 100% spot on. The subtext is that we shouldn't be caring about who is around us or if it's time for the silent prayer. Let it fly, brother, and proudly exclaim whom dealt it. That's the path to the perfect fart.
There is an object page, but maybe you would prefer a farting concept? I would find that much more agreeable to be honest. ...Though I have no idea why I chose that word...
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