I suppose that title is misleading. While it's true that the last time I wrote one of these theme-themed blogs was in July of 2015, my theme purchasing never truly waned from that period to the present time, so there isn't really a way for me to have regressed back into a terrifying addiction that I never actually quit. It's been more of a steady decline into Valley of Defilement-style awfulness for the past year and a half. On the positive side of this nightmare (please don't actually believe there's any upside to PS4 theme hoarding) I've become a bit more savvy about making sure the themes I purchase are at least decent. I've learned which publishers (yes, I am familiar with theme publishers, as well as pure sadness) put in work, and which are doing it on the cheap and hoping to dupe people with sub-par efforts. In addition, the advent of increasingly common preview trailers has made knowing what you're paying for much easier. Also, if you're not an idiot, you can usually guess whether or not a theme is good solely by the preview image. Unfortunately, my theme collection clearly shows that I am an idiot.
Hey Spoonman, shut up! Let's talk themes!
Skeleton Dance
Remember "Thriller"? This isn't anywhere near that cool, but it remains substantial dope nonetheless. Ahem, *spooky Vincent Price voice* It was a dark and stormy night in the North Baitesville cemetery. A night that just happened to be the anniversary of the Valentine Street massacre. The air was misty, the grass was dewy, and the dead... were funky! *end spooky voice* No really, this is an excellent, fun theme to queue up on your PS4 around Halloween time. The background is active with lightning strikes, falling leaves and burning candles. The main attraction is disco-esque music and dancing skeletons. If you enjoy your skinless friends' animations, but feel this theme is a bit too dark and dour, there is a summertime alternative in Tropical Skeleton Dance--though I greatly prefer the original's thematic consistency and find this one's lack thereof to be a bit jarring. Choose for yourself.
Spoonman Approved *
3D Dragon Flight Dynamic Theme
This a simple theme that will delight anybody that thought dragons were as cool as I did when I was a high school nerd reading Tolkien and the like. An expertly-crafted dragon flies through a misty valley while piano music plays and female vocals sing longingly in some language that is surely more emotional and meaningful than English ever could be. The dragon glides through the air, dives towards Earth (or Middle-Earth, or Earthsea, or maybe fantasy writers could have been a little more creative with their world names, eh?), then spreads his wings wide to slow his descent. All the while you can see the quivering of his wings from the pressure of the wind. The theme will also alternate between front-view and rear-view, as well as day and night. The sound effects have been replaced with the whoosh of leathery wing flaps, and the thuds of mystical tomes being slammed shut. Overall, a great fantasy theme.
Spoonman Approved *
Crabs, Crabs, Crabs!
Oh joy! This one makes me irrationally happy. Look at how happy these little crabby guys are! The lady sighs in the music make me a little uncomfortable, but not necessarily in a bad way and I really appreciate that. The sound effects sound vaguely crab claw snappy, or sand shuffly in a way that's just barely accurate enough to make me believe it was done intentionally. If you're more into mammals than arthropods I recommend you use the similarly charming Llama theme with banjo tunes to induce your joy-joy feelings.
Spoonman Approved *
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves Remastered Dynamic Theme
While there aren't many Uncharted themes that I wouldn't recommend (they are based on art coming out of Naughty Dog, after all), I have to say that the Uncharted 2 theme is definitely the one that impressed me the most. The phurba dagger that plays a critical role in that game's storyline is the centerpiece of the scene as it sits upright, stabbed in the snow of the mountain train-wreck scene with which fans are familiar. As you interact with the menu, the camera angle will shift, revealing a full 3D environment of destroyed train cars and burning wreckage. I have never seen this done in a theme and am somewhat surprised it's actually possible. The major drawback of the theme is the audio loop. While not short, it does cut off the track, and starts the music from the beginning in a way that is obvious and unmistakable. I also enjoy the Uncharted 4: A Thief's End Ink Dynamic Theme as it features all the series' MacGuffins as though they were being sketched in Mr. Drake's notebook.
Spoonman Approved *
Star Trek PS4 Dynamic Theme
Have you ever dreamed of boldly goin... ah, forget it. I'm just talking about a cool theme so it seems a bit silly to invoke the grandiose language used in the much-loved TV series about interstellar scientific adventure. In this theme you'll follow the original U.S.S. Enterprise through the vastness of space as it engages warp and visits alien worlds. The 3D model has a clean and polished look to it and the warp effects are... out of this world. No, I won't apologize. Get out of my blog. For those of us who are aware that Picard is absolutely the superior captain to Kirk, there's also a Next Generation theme with the appropriate enterprise model facing down an ominous Borg cube.
Spoonman Approved *
3D Assault Mech: The Last Stand Dynamic Theme
So let's get one thing straight before we begin. This is a robot, not a mech. If you cannot forgive that mistake, I don't blame you. Have a nice day, see you in the next blog. If you're less of a stickler for the classification of mechanical thingamajigs (that's in the spellcheck dictionary. I weep for the English language), then you may have just discovered one of the coolest themes ever. This robot is clearly the last line of defense because he's pulling out all the stops. He's unloading his dual, chain-fed machine guns, letting loose with his massive cannon, and launching his shoulder-mounted rocket pods at unseen aerial foes. All the while the camera circles him in dramatic Kojima-esque low-angle shots. I'm truly impressed with the feel of genuine mechanicalness that the 3D model and animations combine to create. This robot means business, and the suspenseful piano sequence goes a long way toward heightening the intensity of the situtation. Whatever the situation may be that requires a combat robot to shoot wildly into the air at nothing.
Spoonman Approved *
So there you have it. I've suffered tremendous indignation for you all once again. Please show your appreciation by sending me lots of money. These themes are expensive, man!
* DISCLAIMER: Spoonman does not actually approve of the purchase of any PS4 theme, dynamic or otherwise. Please consult with a mental health professional before engaging in any theme purchasing.
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