I can't talk to anyone about Ryan Davis

And it's driving me nuts.

I love video games as a medium for storytelling, art and plain old fashioned fun, in the form of stabbing dudes in the neck (like, UHN UHN UHN UHN UHN). But I'm a closet gamer. None of my friends are really into video games. None of my work colleagues are, either. In fact, not a single person I know outside of the internet is aware of Giant Bomb or has any inkling of what has happened today.

I have no idea how to express my sadness. I have no idea how to communicate to my closest friends why I feel like a sack of shit, because "some guy on the internet" died.

But I do feel like a sack of shit. And I didn't even know the man. It breaks my heart to try and comprehend how Ryan's friends and family are feeling.

I'm going to go pour out a 40 of Colt.

Quietly dealing with the death of a man who brought joy to my life on an almost daily basis.

This fucking sucks, you guys.

fuck.

That 40 sounds like a plan. I don't know any people that would give two shits about Giant Bomb, so I can relate.

RIP, Ryan. Aw man, I just teared up a little. Sleepy.

You still have us: all these blog posts, comments, tributes, the whole outpour of affection that's overflowing the website. That has to help.

What I ended up doing was telling people that someone I respected personally and professionally died today, and that I was completely broken up about it. That was enough for people to be empathetic, without needing any clarification.

But yeah, I had to chase off the feeling that I was the "Leave Britney Alone" guy in other people's eyes.

Quietly dealing with the death of a man who brought joy to my life on an almost daily basis.

Tell them a good friend of yours died.

Because, in a sense, he was. Right?

It hurts like it. But it would feel dishonest saying that. I know little to nothing about Ryan. That's more than I could say he knew about me.

@bombedyermom: This, so much. Feeling the exact same way. But you should know that the community is here. I read the forums for about 4 hrs straight. That gradually helped. I think you should check this topic out and share hugs - http://www.giantbomb.com/forums/general-discussion-30/guys-come-in-here-1444074/?page=1

Yeah... Same. I really cared for somebody I haven't even met. I'm glad I did though. All those years he made me laugh... I don't know what else to say.

I just told people a friend died. I hate to call people I watch on the internet 'friends' or that 'I know them' because as Jeff's said in the past, you really don't know shit about them. But I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I believe the man we saw on the camera was who Ryan Davis really was, he seemed to be the most transparent of any of the Giantbomb crew and kept very little private. From a man that once said, 'I ain't got shit to hide son', he seemed to be a very open individual, so I called it like that, a friend. I was a bit sad though, New Balance day will never be the same without him, especially when he'd randomly block someone on Twitter just to poke fun at em and they'd get piiiiiiissed.

I know where you're coming from, man. My girlfriend stopped by my place after work tonight, and I just laid there and sobbed into her shoulder.

Trying to articulate what was wrong was one of the most gut-wrenching and awkward situations I've ever found myself in. She offered empathy and support as best she could, and said she understood. But given how she kept changing the subject, I'm pretty sure she thought the whole thing was nuts. And it made me feel kinda nuts. Which just added another bitter flavor to today's emotional cocktail.

Thank you guys for being awesome. I wrote something in memory of Ryan that I plan to post now that the site's stable again. I'm just another duder who never met him in person, but I get where everyone like me is coming from when they say they feel like they lost a friend.

Goddamnit Ryan. Goddamnit.

Same boat here, I'm getting a lot of ""who?"s and blank stares. He has made the national news website here (www.stuff.co.nz) so at least people don't think I'm totally nuts... :(

@haychew21: Totally get what you're saying man. I told my girlfriend about this and her saying "why are you so affected" drove me nuts. But then I devoted the last 12 something hours explaining his impact and linking her stuff from the forums, and now she sort of gets it.

But more than anything, we're all here for each other man.

@bombedyermom: Dude, just come and hop in the Mumble, directions are right there. We've spent the better part of the day just shooting the shit about Ryan and all things Ryan. Being able to express some feelings via text is one thing, but I know for a fact sharing things just by talking to someone does worlds of good.

i feel the same way man, yesterday i read the news when i was sitting next to my girlfriend and she could she i was really upset about it. But yeah we couldn't really talk about it.

Very weird, i didn't even know Ryan, and people i don't know that pass away don't really fase me but this man, oh my god i feel like shit about this. Getting teary eyed just typing this. It's gonna be a long day at work today.

sounds like a highly reputable news source.

@konig_kei said:

@pottsynz said:

Same boat here, I'm getting a lot of ""who?"s and blank stares. He has made the national news website here (www.stuff.co.nz) so at least people don't think I'm totally nuts... :(

sounds like a highly reputable news source.

Actually it is...all our newspapers (bar one) use stuff as their news site/portal don't let the name fool, it's legit...just a bit of a kiwi-ism. We like our shit laiiid back.

They're basically using Reuters.

I was working at Australia Zoo when Steve Irwin died, and I didn't feel anywhere near as bad as I do today. I'm actually stressed a little more that my housemate is going away on Saturday and I'll be alone for a week.

He was the ideal person we all want as a friend I think. That is what hurts the most.

His parents have it the most difficult though I think, there is nothing anyone can say to them to make them feel better other than he put a smile and gave the joy of laughter to many people.

I found out in the middle of my shift today via a steady stream of text messages from a friend of mine and my brother (neither of which follow Giant Bomb that closely, but knew that I did). It was like getting punched in the stomach. I tried to explain the situation to a few of my coworkers, but they didn't really understand who Ryan was and why I was so upset about it. I've had some family member pass away when I was little, but in those situations there was a shoulder to cry on. With this, I feel totally alone. I've never met Ryan, but he's been a part of my life for over ten years now. I'm not the kind of guy who likes talking about how I'm feeling, but I really feel like shit about this. I don't know, it's probably weird to get this worked up about someone you've never met, but regardless, I'm really hurting right now, just like the rest of the Giant Bomb community.

I couldn't keep it in, I had to tell friends and family about it and I think they understood. Especially when I told them about how young he was and the fact that he had just gotten married, it was easy to come to grips with how tragic the whole situation is. I don't know if they understand why it hurt me so bad, but they know I'm hurting and I think that's all the understanding I need in this sort of situation.

I felt the same as the rest of you. Once I got home it really hit and I just sorta broke down. Commenting on that article made me feel better, expressing how much it affected me, but I felt like I shouldn't hide my feelings on something that has affected me so much and somewhat unexpectedly. I just posted on my Facebook, that his passing did feel like losing someone I actually knew, because of what he gave us and for me how long I've been following him (since the GameSpot days). That did help me feel better and if my friends don't get it, it doesn't matter, I just needed to say it.

Completely agree with you. I read this as soon as I got up this morning at 7am before I had to drive my dad to radiotherapy then to his uncles funeral. I feel like shit. I have felt like shit for the past few months. Watching/listening to the Giant Bomb guys every day, especially over the past few months, has been one of the few constant joys in my life. I feel like I just lost a really close friend. Knowing that I'll never get to hear him say anything new again just breaks my heart. I have that feeling you get when someone you know and love passes away, that sinking feeling inside that tells you nothing will be quite right ever again.

:(

Never visited the GB forums before. I've consumed near every bit of Giantbomb content since its inception, but have never visited here before. This and the monster thread above remembering Ryan have helped me get through this hollow day. At a point in my life where my fiance is one of the few frequent points of contact in my life, balancing work and school, and the bombcast, GB video content and sparse twitter interactions with the guys have provided an intense, personal, and often hilarious service. Losing Ryan feels akin to that of losing a longtime friend or family member. I feel lost, inarticulate and simply gutted at the moment, but I'm thankful for the outpour of heart and warmth for the Davis family and the GB duders that have reminded me I'm not alone in my mourning.

I've fought off a bout insomnia listening to Ryan slogging through Chrono Trigger these past few days, but I'm not sure that I could handle it tonight. Rest in peace buddy. </3

Yeah....much like you guys. I found out that I am kinda alone when it came to this.

My best friends are all giantbomb fans and ofcourse loved Ryan. So there is that...but we are still guys.

The weirdest thing is....My friend broke the news to me of Ryans passing while we were on Skype our other friend had texted to say so. I ofcourse freaked out and just said NO untill it was confirmed. I had to leave he skype chat shorty after as I was about to burst intot tears....a steady stream has been happening since....

So I got up and had to tell my dad since he is bound to hear sobbing or see me in a state....and i just came to him blubbering trying to be composed and failed. He ofcourse thought the worst.

Once I could talk and explain. I told him...and he sort of went "is that it?" then was a bit speechless. He knew how much of a big deal Giantbomb is to me yet I get this reaction.

He did somthing even weirder.....he tried to be fatherly. I know that sounds weird but my dad has kinda shyed awayed from such things when he can. So he tries to help me with my greif and tell me what I should do, compose myself right a message to his family.

I mean yeah....if he was my actual best friend...but its not realy like that....just feels like it.

The main thing is with my dad he was treating it like my first death....like we never had to do this before. I am 25 and he almost did the "why people die talk" since....we never had that conversation. I am mostly a self raised kid with more so guidance from my father.

He asked me if I was "fine". I had to reply "Thats a rehotrical question isnt it?" since he was more expected just a flood of emotion on the breaking of the news.

My sister who also still lives with us. I think she understands it..mainly because she has never seen me so broken up.

Its not like that. This is someone I have spent hundreds of hours watching and listening. Getting know, looking up to him and just feeling warmed by him.

A duder that like I keep hearing you meet him at PAX he is shitting with you and treating you like a buddy with in seconds of knowing your GB fan.

We were all close to him, not in the traditional sense....but he was a friend.

Thats why I am going to articulate the best way "I just got news a friend of mines passed away." because while we can split hairs on how to define the word "friend" and the real relationship to Ryan.

IT MOTHERFUCKING FEELS LIKE I LOST A FRIEND!!!

The massive outpour from the community has certainly helped, but I gotta admit I feel a bit, if not ashamed just silly, when explaining my cause of grief. But hell, I do feel bad and that something of significance is gone from my life. Breaks my heart it's no more "Hey everybody, it's tuesday" :(

But the best I could explain it, I started feeling there's all reasons to feel bad, and no shame in it. Hell, for over 4 years bombcast has been a constant part of my week, if I had a shittier week, I knew I had at least something fun to look forward to. And though I didn't personally know him, that long time is enough to get attached and to let it go feel painful. Especially when the whole thing is such a tragedy, so young and on his honeymoon. Focusing on that makes me realise that I cannot even fathom the pain his widow must feel, or not even what the bombcrew does.

Last bit said, us longtime fans should be supportive to the guys now, they're going thru hell trying to hide the pain but still do their job.

You know, he was more of a 'friend' than most of my real friends.

@bombedyermom: Same. I'm in black tie at work today, it's all I could think of to do..... and when my colleagues ask me why, I tell them who he was and what he did for this community and industry. And nobody cares. Not many video gamers in private hospitals :/ Like, there's just me.

I feel lucky that I can share this awful moment with my wife but it'll be more difficult to articulate it to others. I know one guy at work who listens to the bombcast, so maybe it won't be as difficult to explain to him why this is just so sad.

Having said that, Ryan was great at making people smile or laugh. And I'm going to do my best to remember that.

It's really fucking cool to see a community that can, at times, be more divided than most over bullshit hot button topics, come together in a tragedy of this level. It's also incredibly helpful to see I'm not the only one who is having a hard time expressing this pain to those around us.

Giant Bomb is a magnificent bastard of a community. Thank you duders, for making this hard time a little less so.

@akyho: I'm there with ya, friend. Been kinda sheepishly mentioning to friends today about why I might be feeling blue. Hell, even my mom. She actually remembered me mentioning my favorite podcast.

But we gotta remember in the sadness that the reason it hurts so bad is because Ryan made us smile and laugh so much. I think that a just a tiny part of every laugh and smile from the past 4 years, I have Ryan to thank for. And that's a good thing! Those positive things keep us going onwards! So, to quote Borderlands 2: "Let's not be sad that he's gone, but be happy that he was".

Every now and then I realise that he's really gone and it just makes me go...."FUCK".

It's a really strange feeling that I'm the only one in my house who's mourning him, and no one knows (or would understand) why I'm so bummed. I've been listening/watching this guy since the Hotspot/On the Spot days. I made an account on Gamespot in 2003 (although, truthfully I'd say I had only become a fan of his until a few years later).

This is the weirdest, suckiest thing.

Same here. I actually don't want to hang out on the forums cause it's fucking depressing as hell but if I close my browser I sit in an empty room and am depressed. It is fucking stupid, I never ever could have imagined that the death of "some guy on the internet" would break me this hard.
Fucking hell, I'm never going to roll my eyes again when people cry because some popstar or actor died.

It feels weird. My girlfriend, brother and some of my friends understand, but I can't even begin to explain to my coworkers and the rest of my friends why I'm so down today. I almost called in sick just so I wouldn't have to.

Same here, none of my friends use the site and my family just wouldn't understand why I was so upset. I'm glad I have you guys.

I'm in the same boat. None of my friends know Giant Bomb, although it has been an almost daily part of my life for the last few years. That's why I really admired the Harmonix guys for doing the Twitch stream for Ryan, yesterday. There might not be somebody sharing your tears right next to you, but I know the Giant Bomb family does. Talking to them in the chat and reading the forum did help.

It's such a weird world we live in, but I'm eternally grateful for having been able to get to know Ryan without ever meeting him. Pouring one out in Vienna.

god this fucking suuuuucks

Man, I really hope that Jeff is not alone right now. Feels weird to say this but if you look at Twitter you can almost feel his desperation. Brad and many others (including John Drake who is just a fucking trooper) trying to be light-hearted, making jokes, talking about what a great guy Ryan is etc. while Jeff has just been silent almost the entire time. I was always a bit jealous of their friendship cause they just seemed like the best friends the world has ever seen. Can't even imagine what he is going through right now.

@deadfish
Me too. At least the weather is nice in Vienna today, that helps...

@bombedyermom: you don't have far to go. I'll listen man. I only have a small handful of ppl myself.

@bombedyermom: Me too man, nobody around me is going to understand how depressed this makes me. Can't even begin to explain it to them without looking like a weirdo. I don't even let most people know that I play video games.

I have to admit, the news hit my a lot harder than I expected. Having other dudes to share our memories of the happy times has definitely helped, though. Ryan is irreplaceable, and that's what hurts the most.

I'm a teacher. I had to cancel my class. I just said a friend I had back in the States died. I told my fiance, who knows who he is because I watch GB videos so often and listen to the Bombcast, but she really doesn't get why I needed the time to process it.

Ryan. Jesus. I'm sorry man. To me this is like when Bill Hicks left us.

I know what you mean. Just yesterday, I officially signed my contract for my new job - and today my friends want to celebrate. I wouldn't mind going out at all of course, but I am also feeling kind of somber and I don't want to have to stay the night with one of them because there is no late night bus on weeknights here, so I can come home to my hubby. Instead of being excited about my new job, my first job since I moved to Norway, I am just feeling sad for the loss of Ryan Davis, and for the people who knew him personally. I don't really know how to tell them why I am so bummed out over the fact that ' "some guy on the internet" died.' - or how to explain that I don't want to stay out all night, because my husband was an even bigger fan than me, and I would rather sit and be bummed out with him ' because "some guy on the internet" died.' than party with them.

t's Tuuuuuesday

When I was a kid I used to see pictures in Rolling Stone of people who looked so broken when they found out that Kurt Cobain had died, and I always thought it was so dumb.

But now I'm the one that's dumb, and I don't know how to relate that to anyone without sounding like some super weird guy that is too heavily invested in strangers on the internet :(

I laid down and couldn't fall a sleep. I got out of bed and came straight here and read the article for the 20th time it feels like. Now I'm here....

This is so weird. Hard to wrap my mind around this situation.

The difference being Ryan engaged with his fanbase....and you probably watched/listened to Ryan for a good 6 hours a week...it's a massive hole