I'm Marathoning Final Fantasy XIII For Charity! Learn How To Make Me EVEN MORE Miserable!

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ZombiePie

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Edited By ZombiePie  Moderator  Online
It's the most wonderful time of the year!
It's the most wonderful time of the year!

Donate now: https://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/fundraiser/1361587

Hello everyone, it's me again! It's a new dawn, it's a new year, and that can only mean one thing. It's time for me to play some Final Fantasy nonsense for charity! For those of you who followed my activities last year, you may recall I marathoned over thirty hours of Final Fantasy VIII for the Giant Bomb Community Endurance Run. That was a horrible mistake I have apparently not learned from if today is any evidence. This year I will be playing OG Final Fantasy XIII! To add insult to injury, I will be playing Final Fantasy XIII for twelve hours non-stop!

Yes, you heard that right, it's time to play Final Fantasy XIII.
Yes, you heard that right, it's time to play Final Fantasy XIII.

For those of you who know anything about Final Fantasy XIII, you know twelve hours isn't much. Worse, this livestream will be a "blind playthrough." Yup, this is bound to go magnificently! Either way, there is one major issue. My usual strategy of using nameable characters as a donation incentive is critically impaired. There's almost nothing in Final Fantasy XIII you can name. So in comes what I can only describe is my worst idea ever. Behold, the "Table of Minor Annoyances!"

Gino’s List of Minor Annoyances

Chris’ List of Minor Annoyances

1. ZP has to explain in excruciating detail why Taco Bell is bad.

1. Dramatic reading of Final Fantasy IX slash-fiction.

2.FF sing-along

2. Dramatic reading of Final Fantasy XIII fanfiction.

3.The Abyss Stares Back

3. Gino spends ten minutes saying nothing but nice things about Phil Jackson’s run as head executive of the Knicks.

4. ZP eats a salad

4. Final Fantasy Mad Libs

5.Dramatic reading of Jade Empire fanfiction

5. Gino says nothing but nice things about what he witnesses and experiences in Final Fantasy XIII for ten minutes. (sarcasm is encouraged).

6. ZP must say only nice things about vegetables for 10 minutes

6. Gino listens to three tracks, from Corey Feldman's “Angelic 2 the Core” album. ZP considers this the worst album in the history of music. (Gino may be required to mute his game audio for this)

7. ZP has to play a game of “Sacramento Kings player or JRPG Side-character”

7. Gino abbreviates and defends the amount of money he has purchased on Magic the Gather cards in a given year.

8. ZP has to try to justify the existence of given wrestling characters without using “racism” or “xenophobia” as the ultimate explanation.

8. Gino does a dramatic reading of the Wikipedia page for a video game with a ridiculously detailed Wikipedia page.

(Refer to Mega Man ZX.)

9. ZP has to tell a story of one of his food adventures.

9. Gino plays a game of “KOTOR or Mass Effect character.”

10. ZP has to make a bullet-point list of why Communism is the best political philosophy

10. Gino writes and sings a commercial “jingle” for Vienna Sausages.

11. ZP does a table reading of one of Gino’s favorite TV scenes

11. Gino listens to a YouTube playlist of bad video game music. (Gino may be required to mute his game audio for this.)

12. ZP has to stop and play a game of the FF TCG. (Gino may or may not need to use his full attention in order to win handily.)

12. General video game horror fanfiction. Not horror game fanfiction, fanfiction of random video games that happens to be horror.

You will notice many of my table items reference thatpinguino. That is because Gino and I will be playing Final Fantasy XIII simultaneously as a friendly competition. We also have TWO WHEELS! If you pick an annoyance from his table, it will be placed on his wheel. If you select something from my table, it will be placed on my wheel. For those who don't know anything about Gino, he's a New Yorker and basketball enthusiast. He plays Magic the Gathering semi-competitively, and Final Fantasy IX is his all-time favorite game. Outside of gaming, Gino is an environmentally conscious vegetarian who is happily married. He's also Italian.

This man deserves to be just as miserable as me.
This man deserves to be just as miserable as me.

So how is this going to work? For just a paltry $5, you can pick an item from my table OR suggest your own annoyance. If the wheel is already full, your selected idea will be put in the "idea bucket." Items in the bucket will be randomly selected after the wheel has been spun. Don't worry; I have a feeling the wheel will be used quite often!For $10 you will not only get to select an annoyance, but we will also spin our wheels! Please be aware this is the table of "MINOR Annoyances!" I mean, FUCKING HELL, we are already playing Final Fantasy XIII! Your suggested annoyance should follow these criteria:

  • They should NOT force one of the recipients to cease playing their game.
  • General stupidity is encouraged. Think of Pat Baer's 404ing It panels!
  • They SHOULD cause the opposing stream minor to moderate distress.
  • Your suggestions should NOT involve anything emotionally distressing and AVOID any rhetoric not becoming of human decency.
  • Racist, homophobic or sexist suggestions will be ignored.

Now before I leave, there's one more donation incentive I'd like to discuss. Last year, two of you took me up on my $100 Vienna Sausage dare. Twice I drank a shot of the juice from a can of Vienna Sausages. Thankfully, I will NOT be doing that this year. In its place, I am instead rewarding whoever has the largest donation on my page with the ability to suggest future entries in my Torture Chamber podcast series. I should mention Blood and Bacon, Bad Rats, and Sakura Clicker are currently on the podcast docket. If you want to use one of those, feel free! This donation incentive only has one rule. Please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't suggest any of those wretched porno visual novels on Steam! For reference, previous "Torture Chambers" included:

  1. Hatoful Boyfriend
  2. Doki Doki Literature Club
  3. Jade Empire
  4. Mobius Final Fantasy

Oh, and before you ask, I'm playing six hours of Mobius Final Fantasy on Friday, and six hours of Final Fantasy X-2: The Last Mission on Sunday. That's a total of twenty-four hours worth of Final Fantasy content! The least you could do is donate to my page!

I regret my life choices.... BUT IT'S FOR THE KIDS!
I regret my life choices.... BUT IT'S FOR THE KIDS!

TL;DR

A $5 Donation - You can "activate" an annoyance from either table or suggest one.

A $10 Donation - Same as the $5 tier, butwe also spin our respective wheels.

My largest donor - Can select the game for the next Torture Chamber podcast.

Donate now: https://fundraise.pencilsofpromise.org/fundraiser/1361587

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sparky_buzzsaw

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#1  Edited By sparky_buzzsaw

I don't mean to brag, but my submission for the wheel of pain is amazing.

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Justin258

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Twist: ZP winds up enjoying FFXIII and defends it with a passion that would have made Hailinel proud.

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ZombiePie

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#4 ZombiePie  Moderator  Online

I don't mean to brag, but my submission for the wheel of pain is amazing.

For those wondering, Sparky's donation request is for me and reads: "Wheel of Torture submission - Chris has to try his best to sing along to Final Fantasy X-2's opening song with lyrics in hand."

@thatpinguino I'm already regretting this.

Twist: ZP winds up enjoying FFXIII and defends it with a passion that would have made Hailinel proud.

Only time will tell. If I can fall in love with Final fantasy X when I was expecting to hate it, there's an honest chance this happens as well.

@kega said:

You know in Japanese that game isn’t to bad it’s a reaction to ffxiis negetive fan response. The localisations liberty’s are terrible though

Donating and requesting the game be played in Japanese for ten or fifteen minutes sounds like a decent idea!

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sparky_buzzsaw

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@zombiepie: It was that or making you re-enact the waltz scene in FFVIII with a mop as best you could manage. Hm. Wonder how I could scrounge up another ten bucks?

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Justin258

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#6  Edited By Justin258

@zombiepie: For what it's worth, I honestly think XIII isn't that bad. If you liked X in 2018, then XIII might be right up your alley. It will at least be a masterpiece in comparison to X-2.

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Silver-Streak

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I'm not requesting any torture after donating. I mean, you are already playing FF13, and the first half is torture already.

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soimadeanaccount

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3rd. Best. FF. Fite me! The ones that I have played at least. Although that is probably partially due to the low bar of the rest...

12 hours might actually get you through most of the "decent" parts if you rush it, and you can actually rush that game without much penalty.

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Teddie

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I bet FFXIII would actually be a pretty fascinating game if all the lore was presented during the story instead of hundreds of encyclopedia entries, and if all the character arcs were applied to less absurd/irritating characters.

I'm curious to see if you'll find any of the "FF charm" in this game. When I played it, my final opinion was that it felt like it came off a factory line, hollow and passionless. That's really the sticking point that elevates this one to "worst Final Fantasy" territory for me.

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Darknorth

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Twelve hours? You won't get to make a single choice that early in the game, and only gain 2/3 of the combat mechanics. Slow and linear doesn't begin to describe it.

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forteexe21

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As someone who got a platinum trophy in FXIII, its not that bad. Voice acting is irritating and the lore terms are fucking confusing but i think i still enjoyed it? For 12 hours, itll be impossible to get lost as its just hallways and enemies arent that hard as you cant grind during that time. Good luck!

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imhungry

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FF13 isn't the best but it has a totally different approach to storytelling than the previous entries in the series which honestly I thought was pretty interesting. Knowing how much you hate bad pacing with bizarre 'filler' story segments, I think you might actually really enjoy FF13.

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clagnaught

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Now before I leave, there's one more donation incentive I'd like to discuss. Last year, twoof you took me up on my $100 Vienna Sausage dare. Twice I drank a shot of the juice from a can of Vienna Sausages. Thankfully, I will NOT be doing that this year.

I would like to state again for the record, you drank that second sausage juice on your own. I did not ask you to do that. That was your fault. I am a simple man. I only wanted to donate to a good cause and change Rinoa's name to Lil B. That is all.

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ArbitraryWater

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Oh boy, those opening hours of Final Fantasy XIII are gonna be punishment enough without people showering an extra layer of malice upon you. I still maintain that game eventually becomes alright, but you're setting yourself up for some pain trying to play that stuff straight through.

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Dixavd

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I love this ❤️

I am extremely happy that you learned from last year and after taking breaks (i.e. not 24 hours straight on your own) and aren't going to eat terrible food. Stay healthy!

Don't worry, ZP, no matter how miserable you get, I'll be there to keep you're spirits up ❤️

Also, Final Fantasy XIII has a lot of positives to it despite its reputation. Honestly, I think you're going to find that it's a much better game to play on stream than Final Fantasy VIII because of its linearity (at least the soundtrack is a masterpiece).

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xanadu

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Blessed is though who suffers for others fortune.

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ZombiePie

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#19  Edited By ZombiePie  Moderator  Online

Alright everyone, for those who have not noticed, I am getting the literal shit kicked out of me by @thatpinguino! What can I say, the man has friends in low and high places Anyway, I need you to make this "friendly competition" an actual competition, within reason. I don't want to place a financial burden on anyone, but for just $5 you can subject me to endless misery for your own entertainment! Regardless, let's address some of the input I have received:

@zombiepie: It was that or making you re-enact the waltz scene in FFVIII with a mop as best you could manage. Hm. Wonder how I could scrounge up another ten bucks?

I have a feeling Mobius Final Fantasy and Final Fantasy X-2: The Last Mission will wear thin quickly. I'm more than open to playing an amalgam of games if it means people donate more money. I was just under the impression taht if I maximized my misery, I would maximize my donations.

@zombiepie: For what it's worth, I honestly think XIII isn't that bad. If you liked X in 2018, then XIII might be right up your alley. It will at least be a masterpiece in comparison to X-2.

Is there ANYTHING in the game I can rename for the purposes of extra donation incentives. I have been told there are not, but still thought I should ask.

I'm not requesting any torture after donating. I mean, you are already playing FF13, and the first half is torture already.

Bless you. You are a true hero.

3rd. Best. FF. Fite me! The ones that I have played at least. Although that is probably partially due to the low bar of the rest...

12 hours might actually get you through most of the "decent" parts if you rush it, and you can actually rush that game without much penalty.

Again, if people want to see EVEN MORE Final Fantasy XIII coverage instead of Final fantasy X-2: The Last Mission just a handful of $5 donations will make it happen! as I always say, I try to give the people what they want! I'll even let you pick an item from the torture table as normal!

Loading Video...

@teddie said:

I bet FFXIII would actually be a pretty fascinating game if all the lore was presented during the story instead of hundreds of encyclopedia entries, and if all the character arcs were applied to less absurd/irritating characters.

I'm curious to see if you'll find any of the "FF charm" in this game. When I played it, my final opinion was that it felt like it came off a factory line, hollow and passionless. That's really the sticking point that elevates this one to "worst Final Fantasy" territory for me.

That sounds endlessly entertaining! If you want me to play Final Fantasy XIII instead of Final Fantasy X-2: The Last Mission, I just need a handful of $5 donations asking for Final Fantasy XIII, I WILL MAKE THIS HAPPEN!

And remember to pick something from the tables! This isn't replacing the original worth of your donations, IT'S ADDING TO IT! I AM LITERALLY LEAVING MY FATE IN YOUR HANDS!

@kega said:

@zombiepie: I’d be happy to, just need to get paid.

Of course, don't worry. But when you hit pay dirt, remember your request of playing the game in Japanese will only cost you $5!

I'll even play the game in any of the selectable languages!

Twelve hours? You won't get to make a single choice that early in the game, and only gain 2/3 of the combat mechanics. Slow and linear doesn't begin to describe it.

If you want more Final Fantasy XIII I'll give it you! Am I starting to sound like the used boat salesperson from Monkey Island?

God, I hope you all know I'm being sarcastic and not annoying.
God, I hope you all know I'm being sarcastic and not annoying.

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sparky_buzzsaw

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@zombiepie: I didn't mean actually play the games. Just Youtube that stuff and sing or dance your heart away. For my amusement. So mu8ch amusement.

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TobbRobb

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How much do I have to spend to make you do all the optional content on a different stream later on? I promise it's only grindy, tedious and horrifyingly boring if you let it be!

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Silver-Streak

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@zombiepie What would we need to do to get you to play FFXIV instead (or in the future). At least then you'd be playing a good game, and there are others on the site (myself included) that could help you along?

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#26  Edited By Zirilius

As soon as I get paid I'll be donating to this horrible wonderful cause.

And no @thatpinguino I will not be donating to the loser team even if that makes us all winners! This is an important cause I need to know your thoughts on that Corey Feldman album and whether you think him being stabbed was fake or not.

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ZombiePie

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#28 ZombiePie  Moderator  Online

As someone who got a platinum trophy in FXIII, its not that bad. Voice acting is irritating and the lore terms are fucking confusing but i think i still enjoyed it? For 12 hours, itll be impossible to get lost as its just hallways and enemies arent that hard as you cant grind during that time. Good luck!

The common complaint about the voice acting leaves me with one of the more compelling user request for the $5 donation incentive: "PLAYING THE GAME IN JAPANESE."

The only supported languages with full audio are Japanese and English.

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ZombiePie

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#29 ZombiePie  Moderator  Online

@jeffrud: @mento@finaldasa@gamer_152@danielkempster@nickieroonie@riostarwind@ltsquigs

Now before I leave, there's one more donation incentive I'd like to discuss. Last year, twoof you took me up on my $100 Vienna Sausage dare. Twice I drank a shot of the juice from a can of Vienna Sausages. Thankfully, I will NOT be doing that this year.

I would like to state again for the record, you drank that second sausage juice on your own. I did not ask you to do that. That was your fault. I am a simple man. I only wanted to donate to a good cause and change Rinoa's name to Lil B. That is all.

@dixavd said:

I am extremely happy that you learned from last year and after taking breaks (i.e. not 24 hours straight on your own) and aren't going to eat terrible food. Stay healthy

@xanadu said:

Blessed is though who suffers for others fortune.

@zirilius said:

As soon as I get paid I'll be donating to this horrible wonderful cause.

Whelp, I sure am getting the shit kicked out of me by @thatpinguino. This leaves me with one last "nuclear option." It's time to ransom my health and well-being for the purposes of raising money for charity!

  1. IF I reach my fundraising goal before my Sunday stream, I'll play Final Fantasy X -Will-. For those who do not know what that is, it is an audio dramatization of what happened after the events of Final Fantasy X-2.
  2. If there are enough donations that request I swap out my Sunday coverage of Final Fantasy X-2: The Last Mission for more FF13 content, I will make it happen.
  3. HOWEVER! IF I DO NOT reach at least 60% of my goal before 4/20/2018 I am going to eat this:
Gallery image 1Gallery image 2Gallery image 3

This is a can of pickled Japanese mackerel that I found in my cabinet. If the dates on the can are to be interpreted correctly, this can of pickled fish expired in 2015. If I do not reach 60%, I will take a single bite of whatever is in this can. If eating rancid fish is any indicator of success, I could be the next Drew Scanlon or Matt Kessler.

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riostarwind

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#30  Edited By riostarwind  Moderator

@zombiepie I thought we escaped from last years bad food idea. Guess I was wrong. At least this time your letting people stop you from eating expired food.

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Zirilius

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chaser324

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#32 chaser324  Moderator

In spite of some major pacing problems and Hope being annoying as shit, there is some good stuff in FFXIII that you might actually like. It sets up XIII-2 and Lightning Returns, which are two great games, so it's worth the time investment to play through it, imo.

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thatpinguino

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clagnaught

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Never again.

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xanadu

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@zombiepie: I've never seen anyone threaten physical harm to themselves if they dont reach a donation goal. And god dammit, it worked on me you damn bastard.

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thatpinguino

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@xanadu: You actually donated to my page and not ZPs, which is perfect. It will lead to increasingly nonsensical actions. And it looks like someone almost single-handedly pushed him out of the meat zone.

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xanadu

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@thatpinguino: Oh ok lol I just clicked a random link in the thread. Didnt even realize there was two pages. It's all for the same charity, correct?

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thatpinguino

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@xanadu: Yes. Same charity, same team. And ZP and I are even sharing some donation incentives because we're doing the FFXIII thing together. So it's all good. It'll just make ZP try even harder to raise money, which is ultimately good for everyone.

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ZombiePie

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#39 ZombiePie  Moderator  Online

@thatpinguino: @xanadu: I think what is "fair" is Thatpinguino has to donate an equal amount of money to my page. That seems like the compromise everyone is looking for.

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Zirilius

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ZombiePie

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#45 ZombiePie  Moderator  Online

ALRIGHT EVERYONE! The community effort to avoid my death by eating spoiled food has hit a snag. After a flurry of donations, I haven't raised a single dollar in at least 24-hours. If you have donated already, please spread the word to anyone who might be able to help out! Regardless, let's respond to some of the input I have received:

@tobbrobb said:

How much do I have to spend to make you do all the optional content on a different stream later on? I promise it's only grindy, tedious and horrifyingly boring if you let it be!

I'm totally down with playing more FFXIII on Sunday. Just say it on your donation.

Never again.

Thank you so much for your donation. In all likelihood you'll probably be selecting the game for the next time I record a "Torture Chamber" podcast @thatpinguino

My favorite quote:

Food poisoning from eating spoiled meat will usually resolve after a period of 7 to 10 days.

This is going to be AWESOME!

In spite of some major pacing problems and Hope being annoying as shit, there is some good stuff in FFXIII that you might actually like. It sets up XIII-2 and Lightning Returns, which are two great games, so it's worth the time investment to play through it, imo.

Yes, but is Hope worse than eating a rusty can of spoiled pickled fish? I'm going to hazard a guess and say "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

No Caption Provided

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jeffrud

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Alright for real, what fucked world do you live in where you casually keep expired tinned fish around? Do we need to crowdfund your ass a new pantry?

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clagnaught

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@jeffrud said:

Alright for real, what fucked world do you live in where you casually keep expired tinned fish around? Do we need to crowdfund your ass a new pantry?

I didn't pick an annoyance when I donated, but this does need to be explained. One of the annoyances should be "ZombiePie has to explain why he keeps expired food".

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wchigo

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@zombiepie: is there any other avenues we can take for donation? I tried to make a donation last night but it didn’t accept my credit card. :(

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Zirilius

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thatpinguino

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@zirilius: Boo. Though playing 3 hours of Guitars of War while Pete teaches me about the hidden depth in My Immortal is way worse.